FINDING LIFE
(working title)
a screenplay by:
Brian Walton
&
Matt Cardwell

FADE IN:
EXT. STREET-- NIGHT

JONATHAN LAMB, 18, runs desperately down an empty street at night. His head darts from side to side as he runs. Every headlight, ever stray cat, every shadow causes paranoia. He runs frantically yet everything seems to move in slow motion.

JON (V.O.)
Have you ever had the feeling that you were about to die? As if any second some freak accident would just wipe you off the face of this earth.

He rounds a corner just as another car does. Tires squeal, a horn blares. Jon darts frantically out of the way.

JON (V.O.)
Did you ever feel like you had to say goodbye to your parents and tell them that you love them because you don't want your last words to be something stupid.

He is running along the train tracks now, right down the center between the bars.

Well, there's the first few pages. Let me know what you think and if you wanna read more I can e-mail it.

Sorry, even screenplay samples need to be keep to the first thirteen lines (or first page).

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 27, 2002).]
 

It seems like you have the mechanics of screenplays down pretty well. You might want to avoid words like "desperately". It seems like a character thought or feeling, something that should be avoided in screenplays. Instead, simply write what we see. If done properly, the actions should be enough to convey the ambiance without resorting to adverbs (stamp them out, as King would say).

Your V.O. dialogue seems fine. I see where you're going with it, but I just hate the word 'Stupid'. Perhaps change that with something like 'insignificant' or 'meaningless'.

How much have you done of this screenplay?
 

dragyngide@yahoo.com

Shasta
 

~bw