With apologies to Niven, I'll change the names later...
++++++++++++++++++
Louis had the nanoscope scanning the tissues at a subatomic level, and he found what he was looking for. The tissues were permeated with nanoscopic crystalline structures. Billions of them imbedded in the flesh. Some only a few angstroms in diameter. A crystal had detonated!
“So you’re saying he was NOT shot from the inside - out, but poisoned?” Carlos said with a look of incredulity.
“In a manner of speaking, yes.” Louis replied.
“Amazing, now we have three mysteries.” Carlos swung the hoverchair around to face Louis.
“Yah.”
“You realize what you have to do next, don’t you?” Carlos smiled just a little, and rubbed his eyes. The jinxian gravity was getting to him. He’d have to rest soon.
Note from Kathleen:
Please do not post more than the first 13 lines of a story on the Hatrack Writers Forum. We ask this in order to help you reserve your electronic publication rights.
[Note: This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury]
Posted by Shadow-x (Member # 1536) on :
You can email me the story.
Posted by kwsni (Member # 970) on :
Well, one thing i notice right out front, is that you have two Characters who already know what is happening eplaining things to each other, just so you can get the information in. THis technique is a little annoying, since it doesn't advance the story at all.
Ni!
Posted by docjohn (Member # 1545) on :
Maybe I shouldn't have started in thmiddle of chapter two
I'll polish the beginning and start over...
Posted by Survivor (Member # 213) on :
Yeah...and generally, a scene should begin in a natural manner. Coming in on the middle of a highly technical discussion won't make most of your readers too enthusiastic. And the readers that are enthusiastic about those sorts of details will eat you alive for "scanning the tissues at a subatomic level" to identify nano-scale features (atomic is picoscale, subatomic is smaller than femtoscale).
With that warning in mind, I might like to read the first chapter (or prologue, if there is one).