heres a sample fragment :

"Fire Team, I sense ambush." said the Corporal.

The Void. Four zero zero quadgrids of sand, decay
and expended ammunition. Ammo from all perspectives of
Fire; infantry to sattelite artillery. The biggest
proving ground for any Grunt, from daylight inferno to
obsidian evening shade.
Roads, highways, leading to stretches of ash and
gravel, leading to ruins of towering skyscrapers, of
twisting steel. Arcologies and ruins, leaving marks of
civilizations' vein, structures massive and voluminous,
shadows bending and slithering with life as the crimson
moon moves across. Arcologies and ruins, all massed in
staccattoes of tiers and alleys, forming a Daedlus for
the evening vertigo.

end fragment

interested? wanna see all 164ks of an unfinished symphony? : slade007@otakumail.com

Sorry, but we must ask that people post no more than the first thirteen lines of their stories. This is to protect your electronic rights as well as to keep the size of posts here on the Hatrack forum down to a reasonable size.

Thank you.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 29, 2003).]
 

Sylkra@aol.com

"And then the hiss. There is nothing beyond such a sound. Nothing"

Vycye
 

As for the above fragment, I don't know why a team leader would say "I sense ambush" rather than telling them what to actually do, but military jargon is not my forte.

I'm a bit puzzled by why they would be fighting in an area littered with arcologies and ruins, unless perhaps it is the initial landing point of the colony and they are fighting to claim the resources there. Why would the arcologies land, though?

Nice voice. But using "ammo" to refer to expended munitions sounds odd. Satellite artillery is also a bit of an odd idea, unless only one side has space based weapons (if both sides have space weapons, it makes more sense for them to fight each other in terms of energy/materiel cost--knocking out an enemy satellite would be far more valuable than taking out any plausible ground target, particularly a ground target vulnerable to conventional forces).
 

I tell you what, though. I, too, and knee deep in a novel and would be interested in some feedback. If you are willing, why don't we trade a few pages every week?

Unfortunately, this comes when I'm going to be going on vacation just next week, but if you think this is a good idea, start by sending me the first 10K words or so and I'll respond with my first few chapters. If that works out, we'll keep going.

survivor : thanks for pointing that out
abt arcologies.
actually, its all DEAD arcologies, ruins, blasted out and all.
hadda add that in.
Ammo? thanks, didn't spot that, in the .mil we say 'brass' for expended ammunition.
as for satteliteartillery :
in my plot, those exosphere guns are leftovers from a previous war. factions try to recapture them by hacking signals, espionage, etc.
the whole context of my material is post-postapocalyptic <does that even make sense>

you should get a clearer frame of it all once u get my fragment.

well, I tend to bounce around on the POV, in terms of the narrators element to change voice from character to character.

>the "four zero zero" line took me a couple times to figure out what you were saying. Being x military, I would think that would be more spoken way of putting it. "400" would have made it easier to understand.

its just a random point for style I guess, spelling it out gives the reader the impression on how we talk on the comm, <ever been R.O? ie, you say a freq four zero zero instead of four hundred? etc.>
I mean, saying four zero zero miles is clearer to the comm than saying "four hundred" <some distorted comm ive encountered was "four hungered", "Four wondered.... etc>
 

>I mean, saying four zero zero miles is clearer to the comm than saying "four hundred" <some distorted comm ive encountered was "four hungered", "Four wondered.... etc>

I agree completely that spoken numbers in the military have to be broken down since some of the communications are not that great. If I would have read "four zero zero miles" then I would have understood right away. But in the context its written it made it harder to understand.

On the narative side four hundred or 400 would make more sense. If you like breaking it down, or it has the effect you want, why not make it into more of a dialog from the main character. Possibly make it thier thoughts which would allow you to use a more first person language while still holding to a third person viewpoint. Just an example:

The Void. Four zero zero quadgrids of sand, decay and expended ammunition. He thought while looking over a vast waistland. Ammo from all perspectives of
Fire; infantry to sattelite artillery. The biggest proving ground for any Grunt, from daylight inferno to obsidian evening shade.

The thought could then lead into the description and it also gives the reader a perspective of looking at it from the view of the main character.