quote:
Her feet felt nearly dead, but she decided not to slow her walk. The pain could only last so long, and Mira had to save her young sister Silu. The faster, the better. Not once did she worry about failing: merry hope burned strong within her, an enduring flame.
She arrived at a frightful, cold building that had to be where the wizard Lor was. At least according to the description her friend had given. Mira drew even closer, holding tightly for luck her dead mother's red ring.
Next to the front door, was a sign that read: "Only applicants come here."
For a short moment, Mira wondered if she should leave. Although she didn't know what an applicant was, she almost certainly wasn't one.
But, did it matter? She had gold from pawning her old treasures, and the glitter of money could get much from many.
I would appreciate some critique of the opening pages of a book I am writing.
I apologize for constantly asking for help on these forums, I only do so because I have no one else to look to for criticism, and because I am perfectly willing to critique as well.
[This message has been edited by Phanto (edited November 23, 2003).]
Sample crits:
"Her feet felt nearly dead, but she decided not to slow her walk." There is no reason not to use the character's name here. The only thing you accomplish is to briefly cast doubt on whether this is Mira or some other character that has to do something that Mira isn't doing because she's off saving her sister (note that this criticism assumes that this is the first line of the story or of this POV section).
"The pain could only last so long...The faster, the better...Not once did she worry about failing...an enduring flame." This is fairly effective POV that lets us see the character from the inside.
"merry hope burned strong..." this just sounds a bit funny. I can see determination in the rest of the description, I don't see merriment. If she's feeling 'merry hope' then I would like to see a reason.
"She arrived at a frightful, cold building that had to be where the wizard Lor was." There are a bunch of problems with this line. The first problem is that it is really sudden, she doesn't see the building before she arrives, she just suddenly is there (perhaps there is a blizzard or something?). The second problem is that the description is vague. We finally are dealing with a physical scene outside of Mira's feet and her feelings...but we have no description about what she's seeing (it could be a blizzard at night, or a desert waste at noon, or both...we just can't tell). The final problem is that the sentence structure here is really clumsy, partly because you manage to do a double passive back-flip...which is never graceful, and isn't necessary in this case. Passive voice has its place (see above)...just not here.
For more, send your story to me
quote:
The pain could only last so long, and Mira had to save her young sister Silu. The faster, the better.
Don't take the crit. too hard. Not all of it is proper (?), just my suggestions.
