[This message has been edited by JBShearer (edited January 23, 2004).]
Adjectives. In the second para, two occurences of "that <adjective>" so, that irritates just a little. A teeny bit - you may be justified, I don't know, but that with the other adjs. and it is noticeable.
HiJolly
Second paragraph "crunched with a hard crunch..." awkward. Other than that, good start.
However, I do want to say one thing that others might disagree with, but this is just my opinion. From the 3rd sentence: "somewhere deep in your gut" , To me, the word "gut" just seems out of place with the wonderful mature words and phrasing used. It's like mixing in an 8th grade word in high school writing. Or in other words, to me it sounded like one note played off-key in a song--it stands out as being out of place.
In the second paragraph, I wasn't really bothered by the "crumbled" "crunch" as I was by the word "desert" mentioned twice in the same sentence--we already know the 'where' from its first mention.
But that might just be me; I remember those little things sometimes after I read a book.
However, I don't know what the story is about, but if I knew the plot and liked your idea, then plot+the excerp would be just what you strive for=to get the reader wanting to read more. And you've succeeded on the excerp.
Good job )
Z
Nevertheless, there is still something about that second paragraph that doesn't sit right with me. I read the other comments (always after I give my own because I don't want them to influence my initial reading) and perhaps the repeition of desert is a problem. It may also be that you use too many adjectives, and it's time to get past the fact that you're in a hot desert and get on with it.
And a follow up, I can kind of see the 8th grade mix in the first paragraph, but it worked so well for me, I would hate to see it changed. As a matter of fact, I think the fact that on some level you bring it down to 8th grade makes it more understandable and less pretentious. I hate opening paragraphs that I need to concentrate on to read.
Each time I read the first paragraph, I wanted to rearrange the second sentence to fit the full poetic mood. Instead of "It does not come," "It comes not" might flow better.
However, there are 9 or 10 "its" in there. If you stay with the opening question, then "It comes not as a torrent, no, that darkness is far more subtle." would get rid of one "it"; the repetition here of "that darkness" is no different than repeating a character's name, and lends itself to the poetry. Leave off the "it" after "know."
I, too, didn't like "gut," but the rest of the story might support it.
"It draws itself around" -- I have no idea what this means. Plus, "draws" has just been used. You could easily go right into "it fills...it caresses," but again, get rid of some "its." Why not "that blackness fills..." or some other substitutes rather than the ambiguous "it?"
The words "true presence" suggests there was a false presence. Why not just "presence" or maybe "full" presence, since the darkness was slowly filling things.
I'd get rid of "wicked desert" -- "desert" because it has been just used, and "wicked" could be considered overwriting. Leave the poetry to the first paragraph.
As harsh as all this may sound, I really liked this opening, and found it compelling. I'd read on.
I liked it, frankly, but if the first paragraph is the same pov as the last sentence, I would hope that much more of the protagonist's personality is revealed to account for his occasional shift in, oh, I guess "accent" is as good a word as any, like a guy going from reciting a french love sonnet to chanting a celtic lay translated into Klingon. Okay, a little hyperbole on my part, and I apologize.
As I say, I liked it. Silverberg, I think, did this sometimes in his Amber series, but each accent got more than a few lines at a time.
It's a contrast that lifts my attention, and I'd read hoping to see what kind of protagonist I was dealing with.
[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited January 13, 2004).]
I took the "artistic" corrections with a smile and a grain of salt. Style has many different methods, and I appreciate the varied takes you all had.
Lastly, I'd like to say that I appreciate all of your postings. Hopefully, one day this book will see the light of day. I'm pretty much complete ('cept for the self edit). I'll let you all know if I ever "make it".
[This message has been edited by JBShearer (edited January 23, 2004).]
I love the mystery and flow of the first paragraph, and the couple of changes you made to the second one made all the difference to the flow. I found the first version of the second paragraph too rough and distant somehow to following the first paragraph. Now the whole thing has a really nice, rich flow to it. I think there might still be a factor of distance by not referencing the POV character withing the first sentence of the second paragraph. The first paragraph is very intimate, then there is a sense of distance by returning to the direct physical without a strong feeling of being grounded within the character we saw so closely within the mussings of the first paragraph.
[This message has been edited by GZ (edited January 13, 2004).]
HiJolly
But I really like the beginning of the second paragraph - it says so much and pulls me in right away - I can feel it.
The beginning of your second paragraph is much, much stronger -- though you'll have to do a good job to answer the question of why a first-person narrator sounds so much like a third-person narrator.
If you want to begin with a quasi-philosophical introduction -- and there's nothing wrong with that -- then either find a good quote you can use (as Asimov did at the beginning of "Nightfall") or rewrite it to make it sound more like a diary entry, which would be strange if you keep the first-person narrator.
Sorry to be such a party-pooper. Well, not really.
quote:
Silverberg, I think, did this sometimes in his Amber series...
You mean Zelazny, correct?
[This message has been edited by Balthasar (edited January 14, 2004).]
I AM going to keep the first paragraph, it is related further on and develops into a major plot string, but thank you anyway for the comments.
I really appreciate all of the help/comments/quips. Thanks.