posted
I'm dying to know why its too late. Nice job. Nice visualization, also, in that first paragraph. Good thing your first para is a gimme, no sweat on the POV.
Adjectives. In the second para, two occurences of "that <adjective>" so, that irritates just a little. A teeny bit - you may be justified, I don't know, but that with the other adjs. and it is noticeable.
posted
First paragraph...beautiful, terrific, don't touch it. It drew me in and I sense that it is a metaphor for the rest of the story, that it is too late for something, or that it will be by the end and you are explaining how it crept up on you and you never noticed.
Second paragraph "crunched with a hard crunch..." awkward. Other than that, good start.
posted
I agree, the first paragraph flows very well. I think there might be one or two VERY minor things that could be improved, but really, it would be nit-picking at very, very minor details.
However, I do want to say one thing that others might disagree with, but this is just my opinion. From the 3rd sentence: "somewhere deep in your gut" , To me, the word "gut" just seems out of place with the wonderful mature words and phrasing used. It's like mixing in an 8th grade word in high school writing. Or in other words, to me it sounded like one note played off-key in a song--it stands out as being out of place.
In the second paragraph, I wasn't really bothered by the "crumbled" "crunch" as I was by the word "desert" mentioned twice in the same sentence--we already know the 'where' from its first mention.
But that might just be me; I remember those little things sometimes after I read a book.
However, I don't know what the story is about, but if I knew the plot and liked your idea, then plot+the excerp would be just what you strive for=to get the reader wanting to read more. And you've succeeded on the excerp.
posted
Grrrr...sorry about that, must have needed to go to bed.
Nevertheless, there is still something about that second paragraph that doesn't sit right with me. I read the other comments (always after I give my own because I don't want them to influence my initial reading) and perhaps the repeition of desert is a problem. It may also be that you use too many adjectives, and it's time to get past the fact that you're in a hot desert and get on with it.
And a follow up, I can kind of see the 8th grade mix in the first paragraph, but it worked so well for me, I would hate to see it changed. As a matter of fact, I think the fact that on some level you bring it down to 8th grade makes it more understandable and less pretentious. I hate opening paragraphs that I need to concentrate on to read.
posted
This is probably me since I seem to be at odds with the other comments, but I think this is a great opening lost in words. I like the leading question as an opening, as a method of immediately involving the reader by asking a question, yet I wonder if you're losing some greater opportunity to truly capitalize on the poetry and strength of your first volley: "Strange, the way that darkness comes. Not as a torrent, no, that darkness is far more subtle." Then I'm not sure if that loses the somnambulant mood.
Each time I read the first paragraph, I wanted to rearrange the second sentence to fit the full poetic mood. Instead of "It does not come," "It comes not" might flow better.
However, there are 9 or 10 "its" in there. If you stay with the opening question, then "It comes not as a torrent, no, that darkness is far more subtle." would get rid of one "it"; the repetition here of "that darkness" is no different than repeating a character's name, and lends itself to the poetry. Leave off the "it" after "know."
I, too, didn't like "gut," but the rest of the story might support it.
"It draws itself around" -- I have no idea what this means. Plus, "draws" has just been used. You could easily go right into "it fills...it caresses," but again, get rid of some "its." Why not "that blackness fills..." or some other substitutes rather than the ambiguous "it?"
The words "true presence" suggests there was a false presence. Why not just "presence" or maybe "full" presence, since the darkness was slowly filling things.
I'd get rid of "wicked desert" -- "desert" because it has been just used, and "wicked" could be considered overwriting. Leave the poetry to the first paragraph.
As harsh as all this may sound, I really liked this opening, and found it compelling. I'd read on.
posted
I lack the vocabulary to explain this, but I found the difference in style between the opening paragraph and the following sentence almost jarring. The first paragraph flows, reflects a kind of dreaminess, and then it's followed by a bald, crunch of a sentence.
I liked it, frankly, but if the first paragraph is the same pov as the last sentence, I would hope that much more of the protagonist's personality is revealed to account for his occasional shift in, oh, I guess "accent" is as good a word as any, like a guy going from reciting a french love sonnet to chanting a celtic lay translated into Klingon. Okay, a little hyperbole on my part, and I apologize.
As I say, I liked it. Silverberg, I think, did this sometimes in his Amber series, but each accent got more than a few lines at a time.
It's a contrast that lifts my attention, and I'd read hoping to see what kind of protagonist I was dealing with.
[This message has been edited by ccwbass (edited January 13, 2004).]
posted
Thanks for all the critiques. Some of them made me check myself, some didn't. A few of them pointed out issues that will affect my novel as a whole.
I took the "artistic" corrections with a smile and a grain of salt. Style has many different methods, and I appreciate the varied takes you all had.
Lastly, I'd like to say that I appreciate all of your postings. Hopefully, one day this book will see the light of day. I'm pretty much complete ('cept for the self edit). I'll let you all know if I ever "make it".
I love the mystery and flow of the first paragraph, and the couple of changes you made to the second one made all the difference to the flow. I found the first version of the second paragraph too rough and distant somehow to following the first paragraph. Now the whole thing has a really nice, rich flow to it. I think there might still be a factor of distance by not referencing the POV character withing the first sentence of the second paragraph. The first paragraph is very intimate, then there is a sense of distance by returning to the direct physical without a strong feeling of being grounded within the character we saw so closely within the mussings of the first paragraph.
[This message has been edited by GZ (edited January 13, 2004).]
posted
I agree....and actually in the first version I was jarred when the pov was referenced in the second sentence but not in the first. In this version it seems ok, but that could also be because I read it before and knew it was coming. In any case, this is definitely better.
Posts: 3567 | Registered: May 2003
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posted
I would actually prefer a book that started with your second paragraph. I never know what someone is trying to say, getting philosophical without actually saying what they mean - the Wheel of Time books do it too - and I start skipping that stuff. It is certainly well-written, and I'm sure I'm in a tiny minority - most people will love it. I just want to know what darkness you are talking about - for example, if it's night, well I don't find it strange how it comes about. If it is a darkness of heart or mind, well, I don't know the pov or his/her problem, so I don't really connect with it.
But I really like the beginning of the second paragraph - it says so much and pulls me in right away - I can feel it.
posted
I normally don't visit this section of Hatrack -- ergo, I normally don't do critiques. But here's my opinion. I wholeheartedly agree with punahougirl84. Sure, the first paragraph is beautiful writing, but, frankly, what the hell does it mean? Just a lot of mystical gobbledygook, in my opinion.
The beginning of your second paragraph is much, much stronger -- though you'll have to do a good job to answer the question of why a first-person narrator sounds so much like a third-person narrator.
If you want to begin with a quasi-philosophical introduction -- and there's nothing wrong with that -- then either find a good quote you can use (as Asimov did at the beginning of "Nightfall") or rewrite it to make it sound more like a diary entry, which would be strange if you keep the first-person narrator.
Sorry to be such a party-pooper. Well, not really.
posted
Woah! I sure do. FOr some reason, and I don't know why I do this, I always get those two mixed up. Probably because 20 years I went on a reading binge involving both of those two.
Posts: 249 | Registered: Jan 2004
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