In Between Dreams:
The horrid screams of John’s men ravaged his mind. Huddled in the corner of a cave he held his sword, eyes straining to see through the darkness. A darkness filled with sounds of scraping and ripping of what sounded like flesh, and reeked of blood. He wanted to charge and blindly swing his sword in hopes to kill whatever was hunting them, but his body wouldn’t answer.
End, please end, take me away he prayed. Time seemed to slow down at that moment, he could feel the cold iron of his sword, hear his men groaning, hear sounds of feet that scuttled across the floor, feel every beat of his heart. He dropped his sword, fell to his knees laughing.
“Where do you go inside that head of yours?” A voice spoke. His mom stood in his room, staring at him, her eyes filled with concern.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 25, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 25, 2007).]
You started me on one story then yanked me out of it. A dream. Now I have to start all over again, investing myself and my emotions in another story, another character, another setting? It doesn't work for me.
Sorry.
If it's important that you have that scene AND that it be a dream, you can save this by saying something like:
In his dream, the horrid screams...
I know having a dream in the beginning is usually bad and I'm aware of that, but I have to have it. It's not really a dream though, what's happening there is as real as what's happening to him in real life, so I took out the dream part hoping that fix's it.
He's not sleeping when he goes to this world, so dream was probaly the wrong word and not really needed.
Does this fix it at all for any of you?
Oh and if my edit makes it pass 13 lines, I'm sorry, my screen is wide and it's hard to tell.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 25, 2007).]
I'd say, don't bother being subtle: be clear. Tell us at the beginning it's a dream.
I have to say that I didn't feel tricked or anything, but that was as the result of a different problem. The first paragraph is difficult to read, my eye naturally skipped down to read the next paragraph first and thus the conceptual order was altered for me. I knew that the first paragraph was a flashback or vision of some kind.
Interestingly, it sorta worked for me that way. The first paragraph is still difficult to parse, filled with overly complex or ambiguous syntax and pronoun references. But the scene seemed interesting, if still slightly overblown, because I was conscious that it was a reality break of some kind.
So I would suggest addressing djv and wbriggs concerns by starting as he's slipping out of reality. Describe what that feels like, being conscious and then realizing that your perception is being altered by a process you don't fully control. As John slides into the terrifying situation the horror of what he experiences drives out the question of how he's experiencing it.
That seems like a very hookish opening to me, if you address the readability problems with the scene itself.
Thanks again for all your comments.
send it to me whenever you want readers I am a newbee but would be happy to give you an untainted view.
rosejohnrose@hotmail.com