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Author Topic: In Between Dreams
Grijalva
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This a fictional short story that I just finished and would like readers, if the first 13 line grab you. The story is 6 pages long, double spaced, and the word count is 1,486.

In Between Dreams:

The horrid screams of John’s men ravaged his mind. Huddled in the corner of a cave he held his sword, eyes straining to see through the darkness. A darkness filled with sounds of scraping and ripping of what sounded like flesh, and reeked of blood. He wanted to charge and blindly swing his sword in hopes to kill whatever was hunting them, but his body wouldn’t answer.
End, please end, take me away he prayed. Time seemed to slow down at that moment, he could feel the cold iron of his sword, hear his men groaning, hear sounds of feet that scuttled across the floor, feel every beat of his heart. He dropped his sword, fell to his knees laughing.
“Where do you go inside that head of yours?” A voice spoke. His mom stood in his room, staring at him, her eyes filled with concern.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 25, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 25, 2007).]


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djvdakota
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The first twelve lines grabbed adequately well, but the thirteenth killed it.

You started me on one story then yanked me out of it. A dream. Now I have to start all over again, investing myself and my emotions in another story, another character, another setting? It doesn't work for me.

Sorry.


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wbriggs
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I'd put the story down. I feel tricked: you "promised" me this gripping, gut-wrenching story, but it was all just a dream.

If it's important that you have that scene AND that it be a dream, you can save this by saying something like:

In his dream, the horrid screams...


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Grijalva
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Thanks for the comments so far.

I know having a dream in the beginning is usually bad and I'm aware of that, but I have to have it. It's not really a dream though, what's happening there is as real as what's happening to him in real life, so I took out the dream part hoping that fix's it.

He's not sleeping when he goes to this world, so dream was probaly the wrong word and not really needed.

Does this fix it at all for any of you?

Oh and if my edit makes it pass 13 lines, I'm sorry, my screen is wide and it's hard to tell.

[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited January 25, 2007).]


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wbriggs
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The change has no effect, for me. Even if you didn't say it's a dream, I still *think* that's what's happening.

I'd say, don't bother being subtle: be clear. Tell us at the beginning it's a dream.


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Survivor
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KDW has set the text input box for posts so that it should display thirteen properly formated lines.

I have to say that I didn't feel tricked or anything, but that was as the result of a different problem. The first paragraph is difficult to read, my eye naturally skipped down to read the next paragraph first and thus the conceptual order was altered for me. I knew that the first paragraph was a flashback or vision of some kind.

Interestingly, it sorta worked for me that way. The first paragraph is still difficult to parse, filled with overly complex or ambiguous syntax and pronoun references. But the scene seemed interesting, if still slightly overblown, because I was conscious that it was a reality break of some kind.

So I would suggest addressing djv and wbriggs concerns by starting as he's slipping out of reality. Describe what that feels like, being conscious and then realizing that your perception is being altered by a process you don't fully control. As John slides into the terrifying situation the horror of what he experiences drives out the question of how he's experiencing it.

That seems like a very hookish opening to me, if you address the readability problems with the scene itself.


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Grijalva
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Interesting. I like your idea survivor. I will have to implement that into this story by showing how he fades into this concious reality of a different world, but directly relates to the world he lives in.

Thanks again for all your comments.


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Ash
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Survivor puts the problem most exquisitely. I was unbothered by the fact that it was a dream, or whatever. In fact, it made the character doing the dreaming more intriguing to me, which might just be me, I hear it is a bad thing to do daydreams, but the writers who succeed break all the rules (Shakespeare made up a tenth of all his words, and look where it got him). The real problem here however, is that like Survivor, my brain went into skim mode with your details. For an effective first thirteen lines, the brain CANNOT go into skim mode. You MUST have the average reader hanging on every single word. I got the general idea from your first paragraph without really reading it, if an editor does that, he will say to himself "Hmmm, graphic bloody imagery, but I didn't care about why." Make us care about why. Then break us out with the next line into reality, and it leaves us wanting more, which perhaps you supply later.
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BruceWayne1
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I liked it and would be happy to read it when you want. I didn't feel tricked at all, it was jarring but that is what you were trying to do. obviously the kid feels jerked around by these visions. I didn't think dream either because his mom says so.

send it to me whenever you want readers I am a newbee but would be happy to give you an untainted view.

rosejohnrose@hotmail.com


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