The hot wind whirled around me, sending coals and ash skittering as I slowly rose from my place, shook out my wooden mat, and turned to walk away.
There were no tears, I had no more to cry, instead, silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me. I knew had only one choice, go to Teana. The Crier’s last refuge.
I rolled the wooden mat and put it under my arm, though it was useless now. I was Thalia, Last Crier of Domika. But more than that, I was a Crier who could not cry.
Then start the story with it.
It'll need cleanup, I'm sure, but it's better than the reader being confused.
I actually think that starting around there might work better as a hook; possibly re-working it to something like "As silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me, I knew had only one choice: go to Teana. The Crier’s last refuge." That could still use some work, but I think that would grab the reader's attention more immediately.
Certainly don't give up; I think this sounds like a great idea with possibilities. I'd love to see a re-write of these lines (and I'm happy to critique more of the story if you want me to).
Now, there was nothing, Domika was nothing more than ash, and I Thali, the last Crier had no more tears. There was nothing but Teana, the crier's last refuge.
*****
Better?
Suggestions
I had no more tears to cry. I was the last mourner of the city of Domika, and I had no tears with which to cleanse the sins of those who could not escape the flames.
Now, there was nothing...
Reasons. "last crier": a crier is someone who cries out the news, as in, town crier. Since this is a job description, it sounds like an announcer rather than one who grieves.
"city of Domika" -- it's hard to know if it's a city, a person, or a country
Striking the last sentence in the paragraph -- just doesn't seem needed here.
Guess I'll keep trying. It has nothing to do with mourning per se. His people cannot cry, happy or sad tears. They are unable to cry.
I really liked the beginning, if anything, I would dwell a bit more on that first image of her leaving and then tell us she's a Crier.
Nit:
quote:
There were no tears, I had no more to cry, instead, silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me. I knew had only one choice, go to Teana. The Crier’s last refuge.
Coma splice. Besides: There were no tears/ I had no more to cry is kind of redundant. How about: I had no more tears to cry. Instead, silent sobs...
The omanti cannot cry, so men (or women) like Thali must cry for them. I guess I'll have to try again...
That way, we know who the first person narrator is. Opening with a seeming contradiction makes for a hook, provided you explain relatively soon.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited February 05, 2007).]
Throughout history criers have . . . for the omanti.
"The hot wind whirled around me, sending coals and ash skittering as I slowly rose from my place, shook out my wooden mat, and turned to walk away.
There were no tears, I had no more to cry, instead, silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me. Throughout history criers have . . . for the omanti. "
Then introduce Thalia, Last Crier of Domika to us.
Crier is significant enough, and new enough to us that leaving out the definition leads to confusion. Slipping it in as part of Thalia's thoughts on the moment feels natural and helps us to understand the import of the lack of tears.
Keith