posted
This is the beginning of a story, I don't know how long... Sci-fi, on another planet, I guess I just want to know the good and bad about it.
The hot wind whirled around me, sending coals and ash skittering as I slowly rose from my place, shook out my wooden mat, and turned to walk away.
There were no tears, I had no more to cry, instead, silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me. I knew had only one choice, go to Teana. The Crier’s last refuge.
I rolled the wooden mat and put it under my arm, though it was useless now. I was Thalia, Last Crier of Domika. But more than that, I was a Crier who could not cry.
posted
Ditto Briggs. The tone is nice, but this raises a whole lot of questions without giving me anything to sink my teeth into. A little less suggestion and a little more clarity would help.
Posts: 671 | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Firstly, let me say that the idea of this intriuges me. I want to know who this 'Crier' is, and why she can't cry. However, I don't think this works amazingly well as a hook. I wasn't really interested until I reached "I knew had only one choice, go to Teana. The Crier’s last refuge."
I actually think that starting around there might work better as a hook; possibly re-working it to something like "As silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me, I knew had only one choice: go to Teana. The Crier’s last refuge." That could still use some work, but I think that would grab the reader's attention more immediately.
Certainly don't give up; I think this sounds like a great idea with possibilities. I'd love to see a re-write of these lines (and I'm happy to critique more of the story if you want me to).
posted
I had no more tears to cry. I was the last crier of Domika, and I had no tears with which to cleanse the sins of those who could not escape the flames. I was no longer 'son of the city' as a crier to the highest house was called.
Now, there was nothing, Domika was nothing more than ash, and I Thali, the last Crier had no more tears. There was nothing but Teana, the crier's last refuge.
posted
I like either for an opening. There is a feel to both that I like--sorry I can't pin it down better. Things you could consider to strengthen it are to let us see more directly how the character feels about his plight, and what he thinks he's going to do when he reaches his destination. I like what you've got enough I wouldn't suggest forcing those things into first lines just to have them in there. In reading the opening those were the things I was interested in finding out next.
Posts: 612 | Registered: Jul 2005
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posted
I like #2 better. I could puzzle out what was happening. (It did still require some puzzling out.)
Suggestions
I had no more tears to cry. I was the last mourner of the city of Domika, and I had no tears with which to cleanse the sins of those who could not escape the flames.
Now, there was nothing...
Reasons. "last crier": a crier is someone who cries out the news, as in, town crier. Since this is a job description, it sounds like an announcer rather than one who grieves.
"city of Domika" -- it's hard to know if it's a city, a person, or a country
Striking the last sentence in the paragraph -- just doesn't seem needed here.
posted
Crier is his title. The crier is the first one to receive news, good or bad, and only AFTER that he or she will tell the family to whom they are assigned. Thali happened to work for the 'mayor' of Domika.
Guess I'll keep trying. It has nothing to do with mourning per se. His people cannot cry, happy or sad tears. They are unable to cry.
posted
If "crier" means "newsman," then it's confusing to have that so near the verb "cry" meaning "produce tears," as is.
Posts: 2830 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
I liked the first one better bc it starts with action and then moves on to the expodump.
I really liked the beginning, if anything, I would dwell a bit more on that first image of her leaving and then tell us she's a Crier.
Nit:
quote:There were no tears, I had no more to cry, instead, silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me. I knew had only one choice, go to Teana. The Crier’s last refuge.
Coma splice. Besides: There were no tears/ I had no more to cry is kind of redundant. How about: I had no more tears to cry. Instead, silent sobs...
posted
Crier means 'one who cries' in this case. HE is the crier for the mayor and thereby the city. To have a crier unable to cry is rare, and frightening.
The omanti cannot cry, so men (or women) like Thali must cry for them. I guess I'll have to try again...
posted
My opinion is probably wrong, but I think these should be the opening lines: I was Thalia, Last Crier of Domika. But more than that, I was a Crier who could not cry.
That way, we know who the first person narrator is. Opening with a seeming contradiction makes for a hook, provided you explain relatively soon.
[This message has been edited by ChrisOwens (edited February 05, 2007).]
posted
Perhaps if you started out with a short descriptive of a "crier".
Throughout history criers have . . . for the omanti.
"The hot wind whirled around me, sending coals and ash skittering as I slowly rose from my place, shook out my wooden mat, and turned to walk away.
There were no tears, I had no more to cry, instead, silent sobs and screams battered my mind and soul from the city behind me. Throughout history criers have . . . for the omanti. "
Then introduce Thalia, Last Crier of Domika to us.
Crier is significant enough, and new enough to us that leaving out the definition leads to confusion. Slipping it in as part of Thalia's thoughts on the moment feels natural and helps us to understand the import of the lack of tears.
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