Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Cauldron War -- Fantasy 3100 words

This is topic The Cauldron War -- Fantasy 3100 words in forum Fragments and Feedback for Short Works at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

Looking for readers:

Ronald and his brother fished the waters around the Kirin Islands for their entire lives and had never worried much about the pirates. Pirates and fishermen hunted different prey, and both groups pretty much left each other alone. None of this made Ronald feel any better about the pirate vessel, the Merry Dancer, bearing down on his little fishing boat.

The pirate ship dropped sail as it coasted into position alongside his boat. “Ahoy,” a pirate shouted as he threw a line down to Ronald.

Ronald grabbed the line and tied it to a cleat before turning a worried eye to his brother, Donald, at the tiller.

Donald shrugged and shook his head.

Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :

I would rearrange to show the pirate vessel bearing down, and then bring up how they never really worried about pirates.

I would read on. I love a good pirate story.

Posted by wbriggs (Member # 2267) on :

I prefer the order it's in. Before we know how worried to feel (with MC) about the pirate ship, we need to know, well, how he feels about pirate ships.

I'll read. Will send email.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

I'll read if you want. Email it to me.

Posted by Antinomy (Member # 5136) on :

I could go either way on the opening, but a pirate ship bearing down on a fishing party assures a coming conflict.

I am more disturbed by the similarity in names, i.e., Ronald/Donald, which may confuse readers until their individual characters are well defined.

I'll read your email. Yarr, it's a pirates life for me.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

I'm a little confused:

Are the pirates attacking Ronald and Donald? Are they friends?

In one sentence the Merry Dancer is bearing down on Ron and Don, and the pirate calls out "ahoy" and tosses them a line.

The First sentence says Ron and Don don't worry about the pirates, and the Second-to-Last shows Ron worrying abot the pirates.

Posted by tdeveson (Member # 5187) on :

I like the order it's in. And you've got my attention, I definitely want to know what happens next.

The fact that sailors don't worry about pirates until they actually get boarded doesn't bother me.

I've got two nits:

1) The name thing. I'm confused. Even if their parents had named them in rhyme, by the time they were grown they would each have personalized their names. (Ron/Donald?) As a reader, I stumbled over that and had to regroup for a moment. Unless there's a powerful reason, I'd make their names different.

2.) You used the word "pirate" two more times than you needed to. In the first sentence, we establish that pirates are bearing down on them. Further down you write, "pirate ship" in one sentence and "a pirate shouted." These would have been wonderful opportunities to describe the ship and the shouting man (which I, as a reader, would have let represent all the other nasty scum aboard).

These are my humble opinions. I know nothing. I just wrote my first 13 lines of fiction this morning and posted them in short story fragments. Please take my comments accordingly.

I would really like to read the rest of it.

Toni

[This message has been edited by tdeveson (edited March 15, 2007).]

Posted by Dude (Member # 1957) on :

Thanks for the offers to read. It should be on the way.

Posted by Sara Genge (Member # 3468) on :

I didn't get it

Posted by Lynda (Member # 3574) on :

I'd prefer to see the opening begin with the pirate ship bearing down on them (and do change the names! "Ron/Don", that's confusing!) and then be surprised at Ron's lack of worry - then you can get into why he isn't worried. That creates an intriguing difference from most pirate stories, IMO, that he isn't worried about being boarded. Hope this helps. Good luck with it!

Lynda