It was a dark and stormy night...
It was cold January morning when he buried them. He wore his suit, not his RAF uniform. He studied the two wooden boxes. Sarah’s coffin was a foot and half longer than Alice’s; they were made from the oak floorboards of a local bombed-out house. The mourners shook his hand as they left; they all said how awful it was that he should lose his whole family. He accepted their condolences, but it felt false—he shouldn’t be there.
“I want to fly, sir,” was the first thing he said to the Wing-Commander when he got back to the aerodrome that evening.
“Don’t you think it is a little soon, Jeff?” You have to come to terms with the fact you killed your wife and child.
The Wing-Commander didn’t actually say it--he didn’t need to—
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 10, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 10, 2008).]
quote:
It was a dark and stormy night...
Cliche avoidance:
quote:
Jeff buried his wife and daughter on a cold January morning.
I get setting, and nascent psychological conflict. I'm neither pulled in nor repulsed (by the story, that is. Jeff is thoroughly repulsive. The killing family thing is hard to take as a hook).
Page two will tell 
?
[This message has been edited by branteaton (edited April 10, 2008).]
I guess it isn't clear. I thought it was.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 10, 2008).]
I'm afraid I'm not really pulled in either. This plot line just feels a tad, well, familiar, I guess. There wasn't enough in there to make it stand out for me. And the telling not rooted in character thought didn't help either: "... but it felt false--he shouldn't be there." This would work if Jack came through a bit more strongly, but this early on, it just felt like summary.
Also, the line "You have to come to terms..." pulled me right out of the story. I think you could actually cut it, and maybe put something else in there, a physical description, like Jeff notices his commander is tight-lipped, that sort of thing, and then the line, The wing commander didn't..."
my 2 cents
Along with what Annepin says, that's a bit too deep penetration in a strong thought (I took it as fact and wondered if the contradictory thoughts of the MC are reliable.)
Is there a POV problem? I think we're in Jeff's POV but the thought in italics seems to be the Wing Commander's. (Or am I becoming too nit-picky in my point of view on POVs?)
Cheers,
Pat
The reasons why I tried this opening despite my own preference for the action story opening were:
a) Some comments critters made about being plunged into the action before there was time to care about Jeff.
b) Sometimes you look at the amount of back story you will have to get in and you wonder if perhaps you should start earlier.
I think I need to regain my former confidence in my writing judgement--seem to have mislaid it somewhere.