posted
In this story...previously entitled Lord of Berlin, the speculative element happens later but within the next 200 words (the next 14 lines)--but not at all in the intro. So I guess at this stage I want to know if this intro is hooky in itself.
It was cold January morning when he buried them. He wore his suit, not his RAF uniform. He studied the two wooden boxes. Sarah’s coffin was a foot and half longer than Alice’s; they were made from the oak floorboards of a local bombed-out house. The mourners shook his hand as they left; they all said how awful it was that he should lose his whole family. He accepted their condolences, but it felt false—he shouldn’t be there. “I want to fly, sir,” was the first thing he said to the Wing-Commander when he got back to the aerodrome that evening. “Don’t you think it is a little soon, Jeff?” You have to come to terms with the fact you killed your wife and child. The Wing-Commander didn’t actually say it--he didn’t need to—
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 10, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 10, 2008).]
quote: Jeff buried his wife and daughter on a cold January morning.
I get setting, and nascent psychological conflict. I'm neither pulled in nor repulsed (by the story, that is. Jeff is thoroughly repulsive. The killing family thing is hard to take as a hook).
Page two will tell ?
[This message has been edited by branteaton (edited April 10, 2008).]
posted
I didn't think he'd actually killed them--I got that he just felt responsible.
I'm afraid I'm not really pulled in either. This plot line just feels a tad, well, familiar, I guess. There wasn't enough in there to make it stand out for me. And the telling not rooted in character thought didn't help either: "... but it felt false--he shouldn't be there." This would work if Jack came through a bit more strongly, but this early on, it just felt like summary.
Also, the line "You have to come to terms..." pulled me right out of the story. I think you could actually cut it, and maybe put something else in there, a physical description, like Jeff notices his commander is tight-lipped, that sort of thing, and then the line, The wing commander didn't..."
posted
I'll go along with the indirect killing if the commander's thought is removed ("You have to come to terms").
Along with what Annepin says, that's a bit too deep penetration in a strong thought (I took it as fact and wondered if the contradictory thoughts of the MC are reliable.)
posted
What was wrong with the opening you written about a month ago? I liked how you started the story with him getting shot out of the sky. I don't believe this forshadowing helps what you were working on.
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posted
It's rather dark, and maybe opening in the cemetery is a bit cliche. I agree with snapper, the previous first 13 with him being shot down was more engaging for me.
Is there a POV problem? I think we're in Jeff's POV but the thought in italics seems to be the Wing Commander's. (Or am I becoming too nit-picky in my point of view on POVs?)
posted
The italicised thought section is Jeff imagining what the Wing-Commander wants to say. The Wing-Commander knows Jeff blames himself but in no way supports that POV.
The reasons why I tried this opening despite my own preference for the action story opening were:
a) Some comments critters made about being plunged into the action before there was time to care about Jeff.
b) Sometimes you look at the amount of back story you will have to get in and you wonder if perhaps you should start earlier.
I think I need to regain my former confidence in my writing judgement--seem to have mislaid it somewhere.
posted
I don't like having to struggle, or wait, to find out who these women are that he's burying. Why *not* tell us in line 1? Better yet, start with the hook: that he's responsible for their deaths.
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