I would like to run the first 13 lines of a new sci-fi story by folks. Any comments are appreciated.
Sol sparkled at the edge of Mercury. The crescent of fiery gold made Jack’s eyes water, even so, he couldn’t turn away from that life-giving light amidst all this vast darkness. Dawn had always affected Jack profoundly. Even at home in the Florida Keys he never failed to be up in time to see the sun rise. It was the sun that had made him want to explore space. “Time to earn our pay,” Wainwright said at Jack’s left. Captain Edward Wainwright tapped in the command sequence to lower the sun shields. Plates like overlapping armadillo scales rotated downward, protecting them from the heat of the sun as their orbit brought them out of the dark side of Mercury, creating an artificially quick sunrise.
Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :
I think the telling of the impact this imagery has upon the MC makes me crave to see it. The exposition takes me from it and has a wishy washy feeling, in my opinion. it seems that setting up the imagery and having it jolted by the dialogue from the captain could work as an effective lure, but as this lies, it doesn't grab my attention.
Deepen pov... lets see this through the eyes of the MC, bring in some conflict. Why does the story begin here? What has changed in the characters perception of reality?
Posted by rcmann (Member # 9757) on :
I liked the first paragraph. I got the impression that the second paragraph was a bit crowded. Mainly the last sentence. But the setting is gripping. I liked it.
Posted by Eliza C (Member # 9805) on :
Thanks Bent Tree and rcmann. On second look that last sentence was a mouthful! I also saw that it was redundant to say they lowered heat shields that would protect them from heat - duh - so was able to shorten that - thanks.
Bent Tree - the next few lines are about the deployment of the experimental solar sails and how if it doesn't work they won't live. My hope is that the beginning is enough to pull readers on to the next paragraph.
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
My only concern with the first paragraph was the line:
quote:Dawn had always affected Jack profoundly
very telling, I would suggest cutting it. I feel you show its affect on him already.
The last paragraph seemed a little thick. Maybe breaking down the sentences more will help.
Posted by mayflower988 (Member # 9858) on :
It sounds like a very interesting story. I had to read through it again to figure out what you meant by "sol". And "said Wainwright at Jack's left" sounds a little awkward. But if you need a reader, let me know.
Posted by Eliza C (Member # 9805) on :
Thanks for the offer, mayflower. I think I'm okay as far as beta readers for the whole, but I appreciate the comments on the beginning. Thanks also Tiergan.