(Note: The Sci-fi part doesn't come into the picture until Marc gets to the bottom of the canyon...)
Wedged between chaparral, prickly pear, and tarweed, the trail tossed up a puff of dust with every footstep. The course snaked downward between the scorpions and tarantulas to a sandy streambed in the heart of the ravine that seldom flowed, and only after a good, long rain. One of many interconnecting rifts between San Diego’s neighborhoods, the canyon was where Marc Krause had spent much of not-too-distant youth. His resolute steps distracted him from his recent aches by providing familiar and repeatable movements that didn't require much thought. As it happened, Marc had just overcome a vicious flu, the kind that made his mind and body toss during the night and be of no use during the day.
[ February 03, 2014, 11:57 PM: Message edited by: jerich100 ]
Posted by Denevius (Member # 9682) on :
quote: Wedged between chaparral, prickly pear, and tarweed, the trail tossed up a puff of dust with every footstep.
I get what you're saying here, but it reads as if the trail is walking.
This is a very dense opening that I think risks losing readers' interest. I also think the way you write pushes readers out of the narrative. Like, the tone is kind of conversational, something akin to a blog entry, or forum response. And I think you take too long to get to a point, or hook, in the opening.