The only prize is the knowledge that you've got one of the hardest parts of preparing to submit your novel well in hand.
So we all know which queries to look for to critique, the entries (so far, the deadline is still a couple of days away) are:
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 19, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
MAGE STORM: (212 words)
quote:
Dear Agent:Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. But that was before her parents died, and now she's left alone in a world of magic and danger she doesn't understand.
Her only hope to survive is to steal her mother’s notebook from the Grandmothers with the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy. Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC is a complete 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever Meredith put in hers] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC: (121 word query)
********
REVISED QUERY,(232 words)
Dear Laura Rennert,
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. Then her parents died and left her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being thin doesn't help you pay bills.
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls.
If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
NAME
phone
email
Mailing address
Revised query after comments.(243 words)**********
Dear.....,
If you could change everything you don't like about yourself, then does that mean everything about you is wrong? FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is the un(TRUE) story of Larissa Alvarez, a sixteen-year-old girl who only cares about magic because it can make everything she doesn't like about herself go away.
Her mother owns the only surviving copy of the Killing Runes, powerful runes fought over for centuries. When the Grandfathers set a trap to steal the Killing Runes, they destroy everyone in Larissa's family, except Larissa. As the only sophomore invited to a very important party, she refused to flee with her family, or stay home to watch her five-year-old sister.
With her family gone, and the guilt of her little sister's death on her shoulders, Larissa vows to steal her mother's notebook back, no matter the cost. She finds an ally in the boy with no boundaries, Joe Penrod, a lost mage who knows less about magic then she does, and finally becomes the witch her mother always wanted her to be, just too late for her mother to see.
Along the way, she realizes that her new ally Joe is an unknowing tool of the men who killed her family, and that by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy.
Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a complete 70,000 word YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [...] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration,
Sheena Boekweg
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited January 04, 2011).]
New Kind of Warfare (227 words)
quote:
Dear Agent,Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart.
A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.
The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 01, 2010).]
SYMBIOSIS (~270 words)
Dear Agent,
Doctor Omar Ajami is no stranger to hard choices. In United Korea, he’d decided who would live or die from among the war wounded. As an ER surgeon, he’d been forced to choose between violating the ethical codes of his profession in order to save his fiancée’s brother, or losing precious minutes waiting for another surgeon to come and operate. His choice had proven to be a fatal one.
Aboard the cruise ship Royal Empress, he’d traded hard choices and cold corpses for sandy beaches and smooth sailing. Yet when a race of sentient symbiotic aliens - one of which takes Omar as his host - invade the Royal Empress, a decision to eclipse all those before is thrust upon him.
Node, his symbiont, can wipe his recent memory and allow him to return to the easy life on the Caribbean to remain blissfully ignorant of the Symbiont race, or he can sacrifice his very genetic code to the aliens to become the first of a new mankind. A new species that - in the service of the Symbionts – will chart humanity’s role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that promises more death than he has seen in his lifetime.
But when Omar discovers that Node is capable of influencing or even controlling his emotions, senses, and thoughts, how can he be sure he the decision will be his own?
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] hard science fiction novel informed by degrees in psychology and neuroscience as well as a career in genetics. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.
Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
Regards,
[Name & Contact Info]
----------------
OLD QUERY
----------------
Okay, here we go, this is my first crack at a query for my WIP novel. Actually my first crack at a query, ever. 
SYMBIOSIS (~270 words)
---------------------------------------------
Dear Agent,
‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter.
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers are unaccountably missing.
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s backs.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.
Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 24, 2010).]
quote:
Dear Agent:Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone.
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews.
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected.
Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
quote:
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words)Dear Agent,
I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one.
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.
The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo.
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.
Thank you for your time.
Dear Agent,
In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school.
There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.
She finds that wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company.
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life.
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland.
The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Me.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited December 16, 2010).]
Dear Agent,
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue.
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.
The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Real Name
The Purest Sword (253 words)
quote:
Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName,Enniorhon thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders.
For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he.
In a world where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.
The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Yours truly,
MV
265 words long.
Dear Mr. Hamilburg
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth.
Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life.
After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett
Ms. Phyllis Stein-Cutpurse
Cutpurse Literary Agency
13 West 24th St.
New York, New York 10010
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,
The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston.
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.
At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector.
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.
Sincerely
Matt Leo
My first impression is that this sounds an awful lot like most of the aspiring fantasy writer manuscripts I've seen. This doesn't make Rell sound like an interesting or compelling character, just somebody who things happen to and who runs into things. It sounds from your query like you've put more thought into your world building than into your characters and their conflicts. We have no reason at all to care about the Great Mage Wars and their (literal) fallout, because we get fifty drafts for apocalypse on our desk every single day.
Think of the great YA books and series. The hero is vivid and his personal quest compelling. Harry Potter is a boy who has no place in the world, because his true place is in the world of magic. When he discovers his place, he must prove he is worthy of it. Taran of Caer Dalben is an assistant pig-keeper who wants to be something more; he wants to be a hero. He doesn't understand that heroism is found in unlikely places. Taran must learn that a true hero can make even pig-keeping heroic.
So what is Rell's quest? Is he happy where he is until the unwelcome touch of magic sets him apart? Then his quest is to restore things to the way they were by taking a journey that makes him more than he was at the outset. Is he a loner or outsider who doesn't fit in? Then his quest is to find his place and thus make things right.
Make Rell identifiable as an individual; give him friends we love and enemies we fear. Why does Rell seek out Trav, and why does he trust Trav?
Stylistically, I think it might be best to speak in the present tense consistently, e.g., "After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list." becomes "Rell witnesses a student exploding after Trav goads him into containing his magic. Realizing he may be next, Rell flees."
I still thing the exploding bit sounds a bit "Tim the Enchanter" if we aren't bought into world yet, which you won't do in a query. Therefore I'd use "die" instead of "exploding" if you don't want to sound a bit silly.
I think your revised query is better, although the paragraph breaks are a bit odd (starting a paragraph on "But" without a line between.
I like the way the query focuses on the character's personality, problems and relationships. I think it gets a pit precious here:
"If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers."
It's trying to conversational, but it comes across as forced. IT also has too many words to express the underlying idea, and too much shoehorned into a single sentence. In fact the whole paragraph is a bit cluttered. I think it might go better this way:
"Larissa needs her mother’s notebook to make sense of any of this, but it's in the hands of the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. She enlists Joe Penrod to help her steal it back. She falls in love with him, not realizing he's on the other side of the war that killed her family."
Also it Joe Penrod is the boy who walks through walls in the prior para, identify him there. I thought this bit was a kind of obvious and maybe trite:"and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason."
Also this kind of melodramatic turn in the last paragraph is at odds with the somewhat zany atmosphere of the opening. It might do to foreshadow that a bit because its jarring.
I'm generally not a fan of heavy handed world building, but the premise of the MC owning a gladiatorial arena is intriguing. One thing that really stood out (in a bad way) was:
"A *very unusual* individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show".
That's what I call in manuscripts a "hard sell". We're told what to think about a character. It gives a bad impression here. I think it might work better like this:
"Owyn is approached by a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk, who want to be part of the brutal show. He is a rare snow white Rarruhirr, whom Owyn mockingly calls 'Snowflake'."
I think the query sounds like you've got a fine set up, but the coy ending (" Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.") makes it sound almost as if you haven't figured out what to do with that set up yet.
Finally, I think it might be nice to get a better idea of what Owyn is like. Is he a cynical, worldly money-grubber, who's curiousity is motivated by greed? Or does his curiosity about his new star attraction indicate he is a fish out of water, not at all suited to the hard driving question-avoiding world of combat entertainment?
I really like the humorous opening, but by the time we get to "All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens..." I'm starting to lose interest. I think that's because we're getting more details about the twists of the plot than I'm ready to be interested in. This is a sales pitch, not a plot synopsis. There's perhaps a little too much stage management in this query and not enough focus on the basic problem the MC confronts.
Also, there's something of an inconsistent tone in the query, which I've found looking at a number of such queries. We have this kind of Douglas Adams humor, then in the next paragraph we have the MC confronting the corpse of the woman he loves.
It's like Stalin's famous statement that "The death of one man is a tragedy. The death of millions is a statistic." One might as well substitute "drama" for "tragedy" and "comedy" for "statistic". So will it be Arthur Dent, shuffling around the galaxy in his bathrobe looking for a decent cup of tea because he can't get his brain around the entire world being blown up? That's comedy. Or will it be Lt. Ripley playing cat-and-mouse with an alien horror? This
There's also one compositional problem in the query: "he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice." At first I took a doubletake here. Wasn't that *three* bodies? No, the woman he loves *is* the nurse. So, do we really need to know she's a nurse here to understand what this story is generally about?
Here's the impression I'd get from this query. The author has a certain flair for humor, but hasn't quite made up his mind what kind of atmosphere he wants for his story. This is a very common problem in manuscripts I've seen, which can't make up their mind to be tragic or comical or flirty. The plot is complicated to the point of obscuring the basic conflicts in the story. The query has one serious proofreading error, so there's lots more waiting for me in the manuscript.
-Matt
I think the opening paragraph is information overload. We get several numbers that we feel like we have to keep in our head in case we're called on to do some calculation with them (Kara was 12 when she got her scars, 13 at the revolution). On top of that we get vocabulary to learn (Orkers, Jerenak) that we might need to recall (but don't).
All this obscures the opening of the pitch: what is the MC's problem? I think slimming down the opening of this pitch to focus on that and to drop the unneeded jargon and numbers makes a more attractive pitch. Here's a possible example of how this might be done:
"Kaya Settlemen longs to start a new life somewhere where the distinctive scarification on her left hand won't mark her as one of her planet's former ruling class. But interstellar travel is expensive for an outcast barely scraping by collecting scrap metal and making toys for those few willing to deal with her kind."
The point is to get to the MC's motivation right up front in fewer words with less distraction.
The second paragraph is also a bit detail heavy. Does knowing that her roommate once tried to mug her set this up any better or sell the manuscript?
Finally, as we get toward the end of this synopsis/query, the description of the plot starts to get more vague and a bit coy.
"With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews." Well, sure, but this doesn't sound convincing, like you've figured out this is what you *want* the plot to do but haven't found a credible way to do it. It's a hard sell that doesn't really tell us that we'd want to buy this manuscript. If you leave this out, we get right to Kaya in the desert learning all kinds of things she's not supposed to know. That's a more dramatic transition, and yo9 could leave it there.
"What she gets is something completely unexpected." See, there is the hard sell again. Of *course* she's going to get something completely expected. What's she going to get *exactly what she'd been expecting all along*? For that matter we *know* she's coming back to fix the people who done her wrong, so it's superfluous in the pitch.
I see a number of potential red flags here.
"I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency."
(1) 13 times published? Vanity press publishers, fan websites, and club newsletters don't count, and that's what the agent is going to think. Say rather, "I have been published over thirteen times, including *Caves of Steel* (Doubleday), *Ender's Game* (Tor), and *The Left Hand of Darkness* (Ace Books).
(2) "beneficial to your agency" -- we're getting into serious credibility problems here. If the agent thought you were submitting this proposal in order to inflict fatal damage to his agency, would he believe you? So why bring it up at all?
"I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market."
(3) Are you sure? Or are you telling him? Is that even true? My guess is that you probably want to find an agent who deals with novelizations of media franchises -- may be even *this* franchise. In that case you *can* be sure he knows. So you'd want to say,
"I am approaching your agency because you represent novelizations of cartoon franchises, such as "Droopy Dog" and "Little Lulu".
Or... If you are trying to convince an agent who *doesn't* represent this kind of material good luck, but I'd put it like this:
"According to Publisher's Weekly, the novelization market grossed over eight hundred and fifty three *billion* dollars last year alone ['Cartoon Novelizations More Popular than Jesus Christ', page 1, Publisher's Weekly, December 17, 2010]"
(4) "fan-fic" -- really? Is that how you want to position your manuscript? Most fan-fic is free and worth every penny -- totally unpublishable. Maybe "novelization" would be better.
"The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan."
(5) This part I like, but if you bring it up potential market at all you should justify your claims, e.g. "Pokemon fans who were eight years old at the franchise introduction are now twenty three years old, and over a million packets of Pokemon Cards are sold annually to young adults over the age of sixteen [Wizards of the Coast Annual Report, FY 2010]." Again, good luck convincing an agent who doesn't handle this.
"Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. **In it** the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t."
(6) "In it" is confusing. It sounds like you are referring to a previously published novelization called "Pokemon Vengeance", when you are in fact referring to the feature film and "Pokemon Vengeance" is *your* novel.
"Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it."
(7) So -- you're announcing you're messing with the formula? This seems to me to be the kind of complaint an older fan might make. Fair enough. But owners of franchises like this are very focused on milking the formula. I'd put it differently, focusing on how an "edgier" feel (how I hate that word) feel will keep older fans interested, while drawing in younger fans copying their elders.
"Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted."
(8) OK, I know *we* think we're offering the agent a gold mine by telling him he's got a chance to grab *three* of our masterpieces, but I don't think agents see it that way. I think they want to be sold on *this* book, and once they're excited about that they may be open to talking about book two and three. In fact, they may look at and think "this guy's been trying to sell this book for a long time with no takers."
"In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school."
I'm beginning to see a pattern emerge here of queries opening with worldbuilding details. Maybe I'm totally wrong, but I focusing on the characters first makes a better impression, since so many manuscripts are overbuilt and underpopulated. The same goes for too many details ("Norise of Bordon Forest" is too much name unless we need to answer a quiz about the various Norises in the world).
Just about every synopsis I see starts out this way "In a world where something inexplicable has happened something incomprehensible has happened." Here we're a head of the game because "wizards stalking the land" really is a nice turn of phrase.
Maybe it would be good to lead with Norise's name. e.g. "Norise is about to enter finishing school when she receives an unwelcome gift: the power of the dying Master Mage..."
The synopsis seems a bit disjointed: "Along the way ..." It makes it sound like a lot of manuscripts where the MC moves around and things happen to him/her. I think it might work better if you put it this way, "Norise makes her way to the Master Mage's Tower, the one place she can get rid of the magic. Along the way she collects an eccentric band of followers including an apprentice wizard, a ghost, a sentient cloud and a teenaged bandit girl..."
That really is the stuff of many a rip-roaring tale: an unlikely fish out of water hero (or heroine) goes on a comic quest, collecting a motley band of misfits along the way. It could be Dorothy and the Wizard of Oz, the Bremen Town Muscicians, or any one of dozens of stories from the Brothers Grimm.
So far this is my favorite of the bunch, but it needs work. The bit about Robert Argyle and his dead friend is a headscratcher, until you realize that he is a detective. So you might go with something like this:
"Homicide detective Robert Argyle has a secret weapon; a long dead childhood friend who helps him solve case. When that friend falls silent, Argyle can't crack the case and the murders continue."
"Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle." it breaks the logical flow to have this as its own paragraph when logically it's part of the previous sentence. I think also you might want to emphasize that this isn't a foregone conclusion, it's a disturbing hunch that comes to her in a flash of insight. Uncertainty is more gripping than certainty. So it might go like this: "Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, she disovers a knack for detective work that leads her to a disturbing possiblity: Argyll himself may be the killer."
One thing that bears some explanation is why a *student* would be doing this. At the very least she shoudl be a resident.
Finally I think there are too many one sentence paragraphs.
It's remarkable that agents have to plow through fifty or more of these a day. I've only given thought to eight today, and already I've conceived an unfathomable contempt for all writers (including myself).
I think I'll lie down and take a couple ibuprofen.
[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 17, 2010).]
That said, the recipients do not have to accept or even consider what you have said. That's their prerogative.
But I, for one, thank you for your efforts and your insights. And I hope you feel better in the morning.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 18, 2010).]
January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
From the moment Michael stepped out of the car at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie, he knew his summer would be magical. Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else. But that was good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped in a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair.
Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions, Michael enlists the help of Chrissie. Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens haunt their trail and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.
With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch’s clutches hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
I think this last query is the second time I've seen the term upper middle grade. I don't recall ever seeing that term before having to do with novels. Seems like I should have by now but as I said I don't remember it.
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One question here.
I think this last query is the second time I've seen the term upper middle grade. I don't recall ever seeing that term before having to do with novels. Seems like I should have by now but as I said I don't remember it.
It can be argued that you should just say middle grade, and some will argue that. But middle grade fiction is usually targeted to readers of about ages 8 to 12. If you think of those readers developmentally and in terms of their interests, there's a big gap between 8 and 12. Upper middle grade (where it's recognized) is the tween market--ages 10 to 14 or so.
So it is as it sounds like. Middle grade at school.
That's a delicate balance that isn't possible to achieve all the time. My personal preferences don't really matter; what I dislike others may without any justification love. However my reactions are the only starting point I have. Critiquing a manuscript is really an exercise in self-examination. When I critique a manuscript, what I am doing is dissecting *my* reaction to it. If that's not the reaction the author is looking for, he can use that as data to shape the reaction he desires. I try to be as specific as possible so that the author has something more to go on than "I loved it keep up the good work" or "I hated it, you should give up." My opinion is unimportant; how I arrived at it may be useful.
I sometimes offer my own redrafting of sentences or paragraphs in a manuscript, which I realize is dangerously close to imposing my tastes on the author. I do this in order to establish that my reaction is reasonable (that I'm not comparing the manuscript to the impossible) and to clarify my point. However I don't expect authors to take my advice or redrafting at face value. What gives me the greatest pleasure as a critic is when an author takes my feedback and does something entirely unexpected with it.
This particular exercise is a bit different, in that a query letters are all about first impressions. The selling process is inherently harsh and unfair to the author's manuscript. My stance in this exercise is that the novel being sold is outstanding, and this query is the only chance it has of seeing the light of day. Therefore I come across as more harsh than I would on a manuscript critique, because in a query letter all those "on the other hands" don't matter.
As far as submitting these early, I did that in order to make sure that the authors had a chance to revise their queries -- especially if they are actually sending them out. It wasn't stated in the terms of the challenge that critiques ought to be withheld until after the entry deadline. If that is the case, I'll be glad to delete them.
[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 19, 2010).]
For one, I appreciate your comments. It shows me where the query or synopsis is failing to express the underlying story. I know it so well by now that it's too easy to forget that other readers don't know what's behind that simple sentence.
Query writing is hands down the hardest part of this novel business. Or maybe that's the synopsis and the query runs a close second. Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Symbiosis is more Ripley than Dent (though the characters don't fall into tidy good vs evil as they do in Aliens), so you do bring up a good point. I used the humor as a hook for the query, but that does promise the same kind of humor in the novel, so if it isn't there, the agent will feel cheated if they request the first 3 chapters and find it missing.
So, I think keeping the same tone as the novel would be the way to go for the revision.
So basically a query should be focused on characters and their conflicts?
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 19, 2010).]
quote:
So basically a query should be focused on characters and their conflicts?
One way to look at it (and there are a lot of ways to look at it) is that the query needs to answer three questions:
Another handy piece of advice I've picked up is that the query only needs to go as far as the inciting incident. It doesn't need to cover the whole story.
When a sailor of old went to apply for a position, the rope work on his kit transformed him into a walking advertisement for his seamanship. A sailor's sea chest would certainly have rope handles, and these would nearly always be worthy of close inspection. In Ashley's day sail was giving way to steam; many of these old salts found themselves surplus to requirements in an age where ships no longer required men who could climb aloft in a gale and rig a sail, bend a sheet, or lash a broken spar.
That, my friend is you. As a novelist in the fading era of literacy you are an anachronism. Your skills set you apart; you do what others cannot or dare not, but this is era of "content" and "media" rather than books and stories. Places to get paid putting your skills to work are few. Your query leter is like the lanyard from which the old salt's knife dangles, or the curiously knotted blackjack in his belt. It's sample of your mastery of those vanishing skills.
So the one rule I should think is that your query should stand out by being better written than the run of the mill littering the agent's desk. If you do that with world building, fine, but since overbuilt worlds and weak characters are the granny knots of fantasy storytelling, I'd *guess* that showing you know how to make a character interesting in a few short sentences is a pretty good advertisement for your unusual skill.
[This message has been edited by MattLeo (edited December 19, 2010).]
Dear XXX
I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
Brendan
Meredith, would it be possible to put a list of entries and dates in the top post, as a guide for the ones like this that are below the comments. Thanks.
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Meredith, would it be possible to put a list of entries and dates in the top post, as a guide for the ones like this that are below the comments. Thanks.
Good idea.
Hey, Brendan I read a short story with that basic idea, except I don't recall the wraith, was it your story?
I can't remember who wrote it or the characters' names and I don't know the publication history of must of those here.
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Dear Laura Rennert,Before, Strike "Before" Larissa Alvarez only cared cares about magic because it could can make her look thinner. This introduction doesn’t make me see Larissa as a YA character. Then , until her parents died die and left leave her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being . Being thin doesn't help you pay bills. “Clear up acne” would help establish her age. You’re trying to maintain a light, humorous tone. If that’s the tone of the book, you absolutely should. The problem is, paying the bills just doesn’t seem like very high stakes and not something that a YA reader would be interested in.
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls. I'm not sure I'd use ellipses in a query. Even now, I’m not sure that the stakes are really high enough. I’m sure they are in the book, but I don’t see it here. What does Larissa find herself in the middle of, now that Mom and Dad are gone? Was she even aware of the war before that?
If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. I'd leave the name out. Grandmothers don't sound very scary. The only way she can do that is Strike the beginning of this sentence. "She'll need to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But Strike but. "What she doesn’t know yet Strike yet. "is that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason. This war sounds like much higher stakes. What does Joe’s side want that her parents were willing to die to prevent?
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words 70,000-word YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
NAME
phone
Mailing address
Good start. Raise the stakes. It was something more than the stress of trying to pay the bills that landed her in the mental hospital of your first 13. That needs to be here.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
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Dear Agent,
Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart. The problem I have with this is that I’m not sure someone who operates gladiatorial combat is a character I’m going to care about.A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, I’m not sure, here, but I don’t think I’d put this in single quotes. this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning throwing into question all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show. Is Owyn the main character, or Snowflake? You’ve spent about four times as much space describing Snowflake as you have Owyn.
The Empire despises beastlings rather than throw in three unfamiliar terms (Rarruhirr, Beast Folk, and beastlings), I’d stick to just one in the query, probably beastlings. and so does Owyn but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire admiring him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. From the above, you’ve established a second-world fantasy, not an urban fantasy (taking place in our world) I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
The main problem I have with this is that I feel like you’ve spent the entire query setting up the premise (admittedly very cool) and I still don’t know what the story is about other than gladiators. One way to look at a query is that it should answer three questions:
Who is the main character (and why should we care about him)?
What problem do they face?/What choice do they have to make?
What are the consequences/stakes?
I barely got a sense of the main character (assuming it’s Owyn, not Snowflake). I don’t see a problem with real stakes or consequences in the query, just a puzzle.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
I put an early (very poor) draft (as a short) up for critique on critters, back when you were a regular there (at least, your name comes up in the emails I have from the critiques as having a story on the same list when it was up for critique). That part became the start of what is now a 20000 word story, which I tried, unsuccessfully to cut for WOTF last year. There are still a number of changes I need to make, so I will see if it really gets some wings for a novel or not. I was really just using it for the exercise here. Ironically, it came up to critique at critters on Christmas week, during which the boxing day tsunami occurred in the Indian Ocean.
Correction: Your "Life Sacrifice" came up for critique about six weeks before this one.
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited December 20, 2010).]
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Dear Agent,
‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter. A tag line isn’t always the best way to start a query. This one may work, but you’ll need to make a better transition from it to the rest of the query. Right now, it’s kind of a bumpy ride.Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont suspect this needs another hyphen induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien. That first line makes me assume that Omar killed them.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves loved (If she’s dead, this is one place where I think I’d used past tense. Present tense feels a little creepy.), Alice. Did he kill them, too? The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers of the disabled ship (otherwise, it sounds like the passengers are disabled) are unaccountably missing.
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet to him in the security office three decks above. See, I’m thinking Omar is the killer. Does he really WANT to meet with the security officer? All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. Too many hims and hes. I’m getting confused. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s passengers’ backs. They weren’t very missing, then, were they?
Actually, I question the need for the whole paragraph above. It feels like an aside, setting up the situation, but not necessarily leading us to the choice Omar has to make and its consequences.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge. Strike this paragraph.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, Is this different than the parasites above? If so, we may need the information a little sooner. has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities humanity’s role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict. Doesn’t seem like much of a choice. Lose the last few hours or days of memory when he found his friends and his love dead (might even WANT that) or possibly betray all humanity. Let me think . . . Up the conflict and the consequences of the choice. I’m sure there’s a reason why the first option would be bad, but I’m not getting it from the query.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your his thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you can he know the decision is you’re his own? Don’t slip into second person.
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
Mainly, I think you’re spending too many words on setting up the situation and the danger, not enough on what Omar is going to have to do--his choice and the consequences of the choice. One agent (Kristin Nelson) says that you don’t have to try to summarize the whole book in the query, just the first 30 to 50 pages, up to the inciting incident. I’m pretty sure all of that isn’t in the first 50 pages.
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Oh, so we are putting the critiques up before 21st?
Well, it was already started. Seems pointless to hold out now and, as MattLeo said, it may give some of us a little longer to work on revisions.
I'm keeping the list at the top of all the entries and a separate spreadsheet so I can make sure everyone gets their critiques.
Dear Agent: should that be a colon, or would a comma be better?
Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages. This paragraph has some cool information, but I think it would be stronger if you could change the word dangerous to something more specific. Dangerous seems vague, violent tornadoes composed of the ashes of dead mages,(or whatever) seems stronger.
Or so everyone believes I see you are connecting the first sentence to this second paragraph, but I feel it doesn't flow smoothly, does that make sense? Could you maybe start with the storms and the setting and then put Rell in there?until a freak mage storm Freak seems like a very modern term, could you say unexpected infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. This last sentence has issues. I think if you switch the placement of the word down, hmmm... that's probably just me being nit picky. This would be a good sentence to add more character development. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.this sentence seems vague, could you give clearer examples, how does he learn magic isn't dead, and what would real help do if he found it
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be Strikean overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, this feels passive, could you say, maybe, after a difficult escape, or something stronger Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way< ditch to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily. cliche, could you say more about Trav's motivation, like because Trav doesn't let anyone he owns, or who's seen him, or something else and then ditch the "get away that easily", for something like, leave with his eyes, or leave with his life. Something
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
For me this query seems cool, great setting, interesting ideas... I am missing, however, what makes Rell worth investing in. What makes him special, what makes him different, what makes him human? How old is he? I think one clear sentence mentioning his age, mentioning his feelings, would go a long way to making this feel more middle grade.
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Dear Agent:Kaya V. Settlemen's Just Kaya right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak her planet. Three unusual names thrown in in the very first sentence. Ouch. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had is long gone.
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Right here, I’ve got a sense of the character, why I should like her, what her problem is, and the choice she’s going to make. I think the next two paragraphs You might go a little further, to introduce the antagonist, but I don’t think you need everything that’s in the next two paragraphs. Use the space to provide some more interesting details about this world, the veroon, and Kaya.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. I would strike everything after trickery.Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead including me. How did she survive the piranha bugs? No, don’t answer that in the query, but also don’t put in the sentence that begs the question., the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. Strike everything after Tarek's hands. Who’s in charge that anyone could mutiny against? These last sentences leave so many questions they make the query feel incomplete. You want to leave the agent wanting more, but also feeling like the manuscript will have the answers. Save this material for the synopsis.
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected. Strike this whole paragraph.Sandfishing SANDFISHING (all caps) is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I tried to become the editor, going through the slushpile. You can practically feel me becoming more and more cranky and sarcastic. I hope nobody will take the comments too personally. This is the editor speaking, not me. While don't wish to offend anyone here, I believe editors don't care about that.
Meredith: Mage Storm (Good title though I couldn't keep thinking that there will be raining mages or something. Somehow Mage is too short a word before storm. Something longer would sound better.
quote:
Dear Agent:Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that's left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.(Storms out of dead mages ashes. I like the idea.)
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can't control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger (Somehow burning down the barn seems a bit cliche.), Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn't as dead as people think and real help isn't as easy to find as Rell hoped. (At first I thought Rell was a woman. I learn otherwise here in paragraph 2.)
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. (Goes to find someone who will teach him how to control himself. A classic opening but I like it.) After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav's list. Forced to flee, Rell can't forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others. (Very good. His future teacher becomes his assailant. A nice twist.)
That is, if Trav doesn't catch him first, because Trav doesn't let anyone get away that easily. (In general, I like the premise and would like to read the entire thing, though I fear the story will be too YA oriented for my taste. It certainly promises danger and excitement but I fear it would be mostly running around.)
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 20, 2010).]
A little unfair to have to critique the query for this right now, when I’m in the middle of the novel itself. (About two-thirds done, if you're wondering. )
quote:
Dear Agent,In a world where magic had once has been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. Actually, I'd strike the whole first sentence and start with Norise. (Advice I might have to take myself for my query
The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school.There is a major problem: women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.
She finds that wizards are after the her power and she must flee school with her roomate roommate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company.
Instead of these two paragraphs, consider:
There are a couple of problems, though. Women can't remember spells, so the magic is useless to her and the wizards are after her power. Norise just wants to be rid of the magic, but to survive, she must flee the school and try to reach the Master Mage's Tower. She sets out with her roommate and an apprentice wizard as companions. As they travel, their group grows to include a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman.They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life. Add some detail to this. Build up the consequences of her choice a little more. What is likely to happen if the wizards catch her? What stands in her way of getting to the Master Mage’s Tower?
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. You don’t need to go all the way to the end in the query, just to the decision and consequences.
The Reluctant Mage THE RELUCTANT MAGE (all caps) is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate (They already know that.) Thank you for your consideration.
Yours truly,
Me.
Cloud is such an interesting part of your world-building that I might be tempted to give him a sentence all to himself.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 20, 2010).]
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Dear Awesome Agent,Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner (Magic to make her look thinner. A great use of magic!). But that was before her parents died, and now she's left alone in a world of magic and danger she doesn't understand. (Becoming an orphan: a bit overdone for my taste.)
Her only hope to survive is to steal her mother's notebook from the Grandmothers (Stealing a book from Grandmothers? This is beginning to sound like a family of superheroes.) with the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn't know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy. Or treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC (The title is way too complicated. I spent too much time trying to make sense of it. Are these four adjectives or something else?) is a complete 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever Meredith put in hers] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
(Second query: it sounds like something out of the X men. It promises nothing new.)
quote:
Dear Agent,'My symbiont made me do it' may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it's no laughing matter.(Sounds too much like a commercial and from the looks of things I think you know that. I would hesitate to continue.)
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state (What is that? I don't get it and I'm not sure I want to know.) in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship's passengers are unaccountably missing. (Too many characters and not enough information about them. Just say 'other people on the ship'.)
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress's security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger's backs.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship's passenger lounge.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him - have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?
(Only the last two paragraphs get my interest. The rest just feels like infodump.)
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.
Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
quote:
Dear Agent:Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone.(I like the first paragraph. It describes the basic setting.)
Then MightyCorp (MightyCorp? Sounds like an evil corporation from a cartoon.)buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet (An interesting way to change the circumstances.). Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. (A street kid paying rent? I imagined we are talking about homeless people.) Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews.
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected.
(As soon as you start talking about a government sponsored contest, I think about the Hunger Games. Everything from then on confirms this suspicion.)
Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
quote:
Dear Agent,I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. (That's for me to decide. You're patronizing me and I don't like that. This is going straight into the bin.)I'm sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one. (Beginning by talking about yourself. I don't know you so what's the point?)
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it's stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn't tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise's first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn't. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.
The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash's old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash's pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo.
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.
Thank you for your time.
(I'm simply not the right address for this because I don't like anime and I never watch them. Find someone else.)
(Again with the mages! And what are they being reluctant about?)
quote:
Dear Agent,In a world where magic had once been banished (Banished magic. Where do people get these same ideas from?), wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school.
There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.(Is this chauvinism or what? If I were female, I would toss this immediately.)
She finds that wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company.(Oh good, a fellowship story. Now all we need is an elf and a dwarf.)
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower (Mage's Tower. What else is new?) in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life.(Not wanting the power she wields. So cliche.)
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland.(This last paragraph finally catches my interest. If only you would begin like this.)
The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Me.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 20, 2010).]
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Dear Agent,During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen. (A serial killer story. Done before but I dare you to surprise me.)
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. (Wait: his long-dead friend falls silent? This guy can talk to dead people? Confusing but interesting. Go on.)
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.(A psychological drama? I might be insterested to read it. But who exactly is the protagonist here? You begin with Robert but then Lisa is doing the investigating.)
The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Real Name
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 20, 2010).]
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Dear Mr. Hamilburg'Bright Lights and Chaos' is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth.(This sounds like a handbook about personal growth.)
Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. (I'm confused. Something what? fey? Full Bloods? Is this a vampire flick?) As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped 'Halfies' stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the 'gray' side of life.
(Too many new words I don't understand. I don't know what you are saying. If you would describe this things, I could keep up.)
After a prophecy (Prophecy. Great.) about 'Bright Lights and Chaos' given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. (Everything a picnic needs. It's like describing a video game.) In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett
quote:
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,The Wonderful Instrument (plain but OK. It might need a better title but at least it didn't repulse me.) is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston. (Ok, at least I know what I'm getting myself into.)
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. (Comparing your character to a classic. Bad idea.) Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. (This sentence got me lost. I went through it four times and still I don't get. It feels like you're trying to put too much information in a too small space.)
Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature (Somehow this grabs my attention. There could be something insteresting behind it.), and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario (Lothario. Should I know what this is? It seems like I should but I don't.). He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship (Two guys? Interesting. Usually I would get a romance.). Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. (OK, now we have female characters who I don't know what they are doing here.)
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words. (The whole is read a bit confusing. It needs a clear storyline.)
Sincerely
Matt Leo
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 20, 2010).]
quote:
I'll be glad to delete them.
And my response is that you, MattLeo, are a critiquer after my own heart. I'm really glad you are here.
Note: we have had such critiquers in the past (those who remember Survivor may agree if I include him in that group), but they move on. I hope we can learn as much as possible from you, MattLeo, in case you decide to move on, as well.
For your information, "Lothario" is an eponymous term for a kind of roué.
-Matt
Dear Mr. A. Gent,
It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.
And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them.
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.
Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
quote:
Dear Agent,
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Detective Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. Okay, this paragraph doesn't immediately make sense. I'm guessing there's a ghost involved, but don't make the agent guess. And why does this absence so cripple Argyle. If he's been successful mostly because he's received supernatural help, say so.You may need to explain WHY Argyle is so essential to the investigation. Why wouldn't they just assign another detective.Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU The fact that she's a student just begs more questions. Either give a reason why she's uniquely qualified or leave that bit out. is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.Leave out the commas.
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detectiveCapitalize Detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity You haven't described any penchant for insanity. has driven him to murder.The Sunday Killer THE SUNDAY KILLER (all caps) is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate{b] Strike everything to here. "Thank you for [/b]your consideration. They know you're seeking representation.[/b]Yours truly,
Real Name
Okay, I'd restructure this a bit, partly for clarity. Below is a suggested jumping off point.
Detective Robert Argyle has spent a lifetime solving xxx crimes. Part of his success has always been due to the help of the ghost of xxxx. When the ghost falls silent just as a serial killer emerges near Precinct 13, Detective Argyle is left lost and helpless.
He seeks help from Lisa Abernathy, an NYU psych student. Explain why her.
Lisa is drawn further and further into the investigation, until she begins to suspect that Argyle is the serial killer.
Can she . . .
Also, which of them is the main character? If it's Lisa, you may want to restructure again to start with her.
January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
But this one"(This sounds like a handbook about personal growth.)" That could be the wrong place for that. but Not sure about agents but editors seem to like books that show personal growth in the MC.
And as to what the fey are that brings to mind something I assumed and it was probably wrong to do so.
I would assume that an agent who takes certain types of books would know the terms that go with those books. But as implied already that may not have been a safe assumption and even if it was should I act like they don't know.
But to answer your question Fey are those that live in Fairy. Depending on whose universe you are using, that can include elves, dwarves, people with wings, tiny human like figures with wings, Druids who look human but can use a form of magic, and in one book all the human like fey have pointed ears.
Sometimes it's spelled fea.
[This message has been edited by LDWriter2 (edited December 21, 2010).]
quote:
Dear Agent,
Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart.
A very unusual individual approaches, <this feels vague, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, I think that is a cool name for a feline beast folk, sounds catty. a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, this half-man half-panther devours do you mean that literally, because eww... If not, you may want to change that word. every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.
The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn comma but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire him.are you missing the word but, like cannot help but admire him Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour fervor yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle. you had me until this last sentence. Two things, first, comparing Owyn to a bloodhound doesn't work for me unless he too is a beastling, and second, that last sentence seems so vague. If you could give more of a hint as to what he uncovers, is it political, or religious. You haven't given me enough information for me to be hooked by the mystery. But the world and the idea of the story is still enough that I would read the attached first chapter. All in all, it's not bad, but I think if you cleared up the ambiguous, it would read much stronger.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Dear Agent,
‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter. this line doesn't fit in with the feeling of the rest of the query.
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alice. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers are unaccountably missing.
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s backs.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
This paragraph, is the hook. This paragraph is fascinating, and feels like the heart of the story, the problem, for me, is the rest of the query feels like a synopsis. Too much plot, not enough clear information.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?
Brilliant
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.
Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
For me the first few paragraphs feel so vague, I don't know enough about the world or it's characters to care. These are the things I am confused on. 1. Are there three kinds of life forms, humans, aliens, and sentient symbiotic organism's? What are the aliens like, what do they look like, are they also infected? What are their species? 2. What happens to Alice? 3. What makes Omar special enough that he could help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
It feels to me, since this is a work in process, that you should finish the story, and then once finished take a clear look around to what is important. The story seems really cool, but the query right now makes it feel unfinished.
quote:
Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName,
Enniorhon Whew! That name's a mouthful. I'm not saying that's bad, but the very first thing I noticed was myself tripping over how to pronounce that. thought he knew what his life would be. A career of as a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. This feels like there's too much forced into these first sentences. Since it's never mentioned again, do we need to know that Enniorhon was or wanted to be a surgeon. Also, I would expect his medical skills to be more in demand in war time than just another soldier. Broken and forgotten, melodramatic he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers can he really learn a skill from his forefathers (most of whom I assume to be dead)? Is it a hereditary ability? Or a skill he was taught before he decided to be a surgeon? Something passed down specifically in his family?This could be a place to be more specific. , turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter when did he desert? into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders.Try:
Enniorhon's dreams are destroyed when the Sea Raiders attack. He's forced to fight, abandoning his home, his family, and the quiet life he had hoped for. Having lost everything, he pours himself into the sword-fighting skills he learned at his grandfather's knee.For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena why does he stumble into politics? , a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he. I'd delete this paragraph
His prowess turns Enniorhon into a hero, but that brings its own problemsIn a world where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world life of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become make him.a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.
I get a sense of Enniorhon and why I should care about him.
What's totally missing here are answers to the other two questions:What is Enniorhon's goal or what choice does he have to make?
What are the obstacles to his quest or consequences of his choice?The Purest Sword [b]THE PUREST SWORD (all caps) is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Yours truly,
MV
This query is too heavy on backstory and premise. It misses giving me a clue about the plot. Take us up to the inciting incident with enough detail to make us care a bit about the main character and to glimpse the world you've created.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 21, 2010).]
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder comma is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. vague. what specifically happens? Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. this feels a lot like Hunger Games. I don't think that is a bad thing, it's that resonance thing people talk about. Might actually be an advantage.
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected. I feel like there are a lot of loose ends. What happens to Zig? Is Tarek a bad guy? What happens to the rest of the Orkers? I don't feel the last two sentences add anything, Could you say revenge for the veroon,(or whatever) and then something a little clearer for the last hook.
Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
All in all, this sounds like an awesome novel. If I were the agent, I would open the attachment to read more. I think if you add more clarity, it would help the query, but your writing style comes through, and the world of the story seems very sell-able. Nice.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one.
< I would ditch the first paragraph.
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan. This reads well, but are you applying to be the marketing guy, or the author. It feels like you are apologizing for writing fan fic. I think when you research agents for this novel, you may want to go through companies that already sell Pokemon, or sell novels or graphic novels at conventions or tours. This might also be something you want to explore printing through createspace, and selling at conventions, or creating a partnership with the Pokemon brand. I'm not sure, but there might be copy-write issues, that a traditional agency will want to avoid. I think you will have to do a lot of research and planning into how you will get this book published, and you may want to adjust your query to match that research. Pokemon knows how awesome it is, you won't have to sell them on their own product, what you are going to have to sell, is yourself, and the novel.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.
The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo.
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it. again this feels like you are trying too hard. Remember, where you are going to pitch this query already thinks Pokemon is awesome. Don't apologize for, or criticize the market.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.
Thank you for your time.
Good luck, Frank. This novel seems like a tricky one, but if anyone can do it, I'd bet it'll be you.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words)
This one frankly stumped me for a while because what you've written is a proposal, not a query. For this kind of story, however, that's probably the appropriate thing to write. It's just that I don't know much of anything about writing effective proposals or what the norms are. So take the critique with that in mind.
quote:
Dear Agent,I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one. Be specific. Pick a couple of your best sales and give complete details--title, publication, dates.
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan. From what little I know, you'll have to make this proposal to the holder of the copyright for Pokemon. Presumably, they already know all of this except the bit about tapping into the print market. Also, I would turn the last sentence from sounding like a departure from the franchise to touting an expansion of the franchise.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t revived. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.
The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo. The only thing I know about writing in a copyrighted world is that you will have to supply a detailed outline/synopsis. Therefore, I'm not sure how much of the story needs to be in the proposal letter. Some, certainly. But maybe not as much as in a query. I don't know.
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING (all caps) is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements. In general, as with queries, I think it would be better only to mention the possibility of sequels, if at all.
Thank you for your time.
Try finding more information about proposals like this and the requirements for gaining permission by checking out the websites of authors who do this a lot. Kevin J Anderson comes to mind (X-Files, Star Wars, Dune). This specific topic was only briefly touched on in his Authors' Advisory conference call earlier this month. The recording of the call can be found at www.authorsadvisory.blogspot.com
First thing. Find out what setting is causing the strange formatting of your apostrophes. Test it in an e-mail to a friend or to yourself at a different account. If you were to paste this into an e-mail and send it like this, chances are the agent wouldn't get past the first line.
Dear Mr. Hamilburg
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. The title and length are not the most interesting things about your story. Don't lead with them. Put this information at the end. Don't capitalize urban fantasy or first person. Actually, I think I'd cut that second sentence altogether.
Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman Twenty-something and young say essentially the same thing. who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life. I probably wouldn't us single quotes, here or in the next sentence. All but the first sentence is back story. Pick one or two relevant pieces of information that help us know Kerry and work it in more smoothly.
After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ When not used as your title, don't capitalize. given to her over the phone, her life changes. Why? What about the prophecy changes her life? Details. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun.
In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Don't attempt to give a summary of the whole book. Concentrate on getting to the inciting incident, which sounds like the phone prophecy. Dissipate Despite the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
Start with Kerry and tell us a little about her, so we can know why we would care about her.
Tell a little more about the prophecy and fill in the gap. What choice does the prophecy force on Kerry? What is she trying to accomplish, aside from random rescues?
What are the obstacles keeping her from her goal? What are the consequences of her choice?
Enough details/specifics to allow the world-building to show through.
That's all. The rest of the plot goes in the synopsis.
I have included a SASE Personally, I usually don't mention the SASE. I do mention sample pages or a synopsis that's included. and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Your return e-mail address should always be part of your signature block, along with other contact information. Thank you for considering my novel.
Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett
[/quote]
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 21, 2010).]
Meredith Thanks.
The problem with trying to find out what is causing the strange formatting errors is that they don't show up on my screen. To me they show up on the notes of two or three other posters. And I believe they are caused by translation problems from one computer to another.
As to the prophecy:
That's all there is to it. She would have Bright Lights and Chaos in her life. The first letters are capitalized in the prophecy. And the way it changes her life is by placing her in more and more dangerous situations. And a romance she wasn't planning on. Well, I just added that she goes from being a someone just trying to live her life after a difficult time growing up to what amounts to being a hero. Not sure if I should use the word hero though. And I wasn't sure how to put in that she gets in the media light and meets Bright Lights as in the Three Fates, angels and Fey kings and queens.
I included some of the life changing aspects of it trying not to go into too much detail.
Only thing is I'm not sure if I can say much about yours. I don't if you need it in the synopses but I would think it would be good to say how long he was with Trav. To me it sounded like he just got there and had to flee but evidently he was there long enough to make friends.Ê
Ê
And "because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily." Êdoesn't sound professional even though I can understand why you used those words.Ê
That's it.
I'm not sure if it will be changed or not but that doesnit with the strange accent mark instead of a dot above the i is the way it appears on my computer
I think this could get a little monotonous because I think shimiquaÕs query is about the same as MeredithÕs. Except for wondering if the seventeen year old boy is Joe, I think it all makes sense. The who can understand a seventeen year old boy part sounds a bit cliche-ish. A bit more about the war might be appropriate.
This one makes sense also even though I think the second paragraph sounds odd. The way it begins sounds like a part of the story, that you left out a word or three, or used the wrong tense.
I wonder how Snowflake could ask to join the Arena when he wonÕt speak.
And an aside here. IÕm not sure if IÕm ignorant of the range of Urban Fantasy or if I am missing something. Talk of Arenas and an Empire makes me think this takes place in the equivalent of the Roman empire or medieval times but Urban Fantasy makes me think itÕs closer to our time and/or tech. I donÕt know if an agent would know that already.
Osiris
Okay not too bad except for a couple of cliches.
Is the nurse the woman he secertly loves? The way you wrote it out sounds like there are three dead not two. The very long sentence that starts with Plexus is confusing. I think it would make better sense if you could breeak it up into two possibly three sentences.
And IÕm not sure about how you phased the one about Omar discovers Plexus can influence thoughts etc.. The way you change from Omar to ÒyourÓ-ÒyouÓ might be okay but it sounds funny.
ThatÕs it.
Mage Storm – Meredith
I'd rather see the conflict first rather than the setting (pot calling kettle black). I think the conflict with Trav is the real one.
"It seems magic might not be dead after all, since the mages killed each other off, but when Rell finds himself with talent he seeks someone, anyone who can train him. However, he makes the wrong choice and finds himself running for his life from Trav, a sadistic cult leader.
He needs to find a way to rescue his friends in Trav's compound before he becomes his next victim."
Something like that. Not particularly well done, but the first paragraph isn't snappy enough.
Funny, Tragic, Crazy, Manic – Shimiqua
Ha! I just critiqued your first attempt and lo and behold, you fixed it sufficiently for me to start over. Other than the crazy formatting of BBCode, the only thing I find wrong with this is the 17 yr old boy and Joe Penrod aren't sufficiently linked in the query for easy reading. My only other questionable thought is the parenthetical regarding a lack of understanding of 17 yr olds. I always thought it was 17 yr old girls!
New Kind of Warfare - MartinV
I hardly picture this as an urban fantasy. This is pure fantasy. What does the crumbling apart have to do with the story? Present the conflict first and then the setting.
Snowflake is an interesting character, but is he/she really unique among the Beastfolk? You start with the setting and then continue on calling it the show. Owyn is questioning all he knows about them. What does he know about them? You just pulled the conflict rug out from under the query's feet.
If the Empire despises beastlings, so what? You don't mention that has any effect to the story. If it doesn't advance the quickie plot, it shouldn't be in the query… it's just a distraction.
What's more than Owyn can handle? Snowflake's pregnancy? Two snowflakes? The crumbling arena?
Symbiosis – Osiris
Unlike some of the others above, I found you gave too much information.
This needs tightening. We know too much. Aliens on the back of their host is an old Jack Vance cliché (can't remember the novel but it was part of one of his series.) I would kill the first sentence and the whole sensient-symbiont fugue line because it requires definition and you don't have the words to do it.
There are some clumsy constructions here as well. A query has to be as perfect as humanly possible from a grammar standpoint.
As for the word bloat, for example, you mention the security officer once and then not again. The dead in the infirmary his boss and the nurse, the woman he secretly loves. The death sort of kills the relationship, doesn't it? So why mention it unless it changes what he's about to do.
Then you go from ambush to him being infected with Plexus. (Is his first name Solar?), but the knowing if the decisions are your own is the real hook here and it comes right at the end. It makes one think how interesting the whole plot would be if Plexus was there all the time?
Sandfishing – genevive42
This starts out okay but the background is a bit tedious and you could get away with saying her family ended up on the wrong side of a revolution and she's had to scrap and scrimp ever since.
MightyCorp as a name is pretty weak. It sounds like a superhero villain. Again the veroon thing needs a bit of tightening and you need to link them to the title. Is the prize for whoever brings the most veroon in? If it is then I think a phrase should say that.
I wouldn't be so coy about the game changing and alliances forming. This isn't a book jacket back, it's a query. They want to know a bit more. Evidently, she's going to ally herself with Tarek and go after Mighty Corp
You say she returns. Returns to where? Is she going to confront someone?
I like aspects of this. You can have fun depicting a sand ecology.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling
As others have said this is a proposal rather than a query. Your query really begins in the third paragraph and that's where you should start and throw out the rest. If you have to explain to the agent who Pokemon is, they won't want to represent you.
Mention the mystery adventure right where you describe the 75,000 word novel.
You might make mention that earlier Pokemon afficianados have grown up and so has the story making it riskier and with an edge never before associated with the Pokemon phenomonen.
It's also not good practice to sell books two and three in the query. Perhaps a fleeting reference to sequels, but you must assure the agent that it stands alone as a piece of astoundingly great literature.
The Sunday Killer – axeminister
I just don't know what to say about this. I don't understand who's POV this is in. Is it Argyle's? Lisa's? It seems like Lisa's. Not good for an agent to have to figure that out.
How does Lisa get lured to each crime scene? Is it magic? And why would an unlicensed psychology student be hired to provide therapy to a disturbed professional? Doesn't make sense. Is this a 'twisted' Monk rip-off?
And what happens to his ghost of an assistant? If you're not going to weave the creature (who takes over Argyle and is the real villain… did I guess the twist?) into the rest of the query, you shouldn't put it in. However, it is an intriguing premise that you just drop.
Get all the lines right. For example, how can Argyle solve the case if he's the murderer? Look in a mirror? I've never hear of a person with a penchant for insanity before, are you sure that's the right word?
I do like the idea behind this, a query needs to be as perfect as possible and this needs some further work.
The Purest Sword – MartinV II
Enniorhon is quite an eyeful to start out the query. I can't imagine reading a book and slogging over that name a few thousand times. When you described him as a surgeon, that put me right into a different genre. Doctor or healer would be better than surgeon. Surgeon denotes, for me, a more modern context where medicine is specialized.
I need to know who Enniorhon is fighting for. Has he been drafted into the barbarian army? What makes him lose his humanity, you need to give us a hint.
Does he rebuild his spirit and become a martial arts sensation overnight? Or does he bide his time?
Who did he desert from? You either need to answer these questions or you have to leave them out. Unanswered declarations or motivations without a hint of a reason drives agents crazy. The query has to have a flow of its own.
How incorruptible is Enniorhon when he fights for the enemy? And then after that he becomes Maximus (as in the movie Gladiator)?
There are some sweeping themes in the book, but I think the query needs to focus a bit more clearly.
Bright Lights and Chaos – LDWriter 2
I don't think you need to describe it as a First Person tale. I'd move the novel description towards the bottom and strike the whole The novel… sentence.
I think you are doing too much telling here and not enough showing. And what an agent wants to see is the conflicts Kerry confronts and how she has the opportunity to confront them.
I think there is too much background between half-bloods and full-bloods. I'd simplify all of that and cut a lot of that out. All you really need to say is that as a half-blood, Kerry is a bit of an outcast in the fey world and in the human world. Is that her real conflict. What choices does she have to make? That's what the agent will be looking for.
The Wonderful Instrument – MattLeo
I think the writing in this query is well done, yet there is one major problem. You don't explain what kind of being Hector is. Is he human or manufactured?
One of the most intriguing aspects of the book is the relationship between mentor/mentee and how that is likely to change. The conflict between the girls seems to be a catalyst for changing the relationship. The antagonism that develops between the two in this transition is resolved when Hector comes to the rescue when the enemies come to town. (I am taking liberties of projecting the plot, here)
That is more of what the agent wants to see than good writing gone a bit flat. I think it's the color that the agent wants to see and I think a bit of that is missing here.
The Lost Boys – Tiergan
I think the title is too close to a paranormal movie of not too long ago. If Chrissie is a girl (I read it as a girl's name) then why is the title The Lost Boys, anyway?
The twin ponds requires a bit of thinking, throwing the reader out of the query and is irrelevant to the story. The query really starts when Michael spots his friend in the painting and I think that's where you should start.
As in the others above, what drives Michael? What are his conflicts? It appears he doesn't have any and the only real choice he has is to find his way home after he has an 'aw shucks' moment with Chrissie. That's what you need to throw into the query.
Tsunami Riders – Tiergan
I read your story about this. I don't think you adequately get the setting across here. Harbor is a planet with big waves? What do they need simulation software when they are doing the real thing? Do the nanosuits record all of the tactile information? I think you need to find a quick way to set up the nanosuits as the catalyst for Easy's conflict and then talk about the terror of losing your nerve (most people won't understand what the 'wrath' is and it's easier to use a simpler context than explain it in a query.
So how are you, in a novel, going to explain what a great ride is? Is that the chief draw of the novel? If it isn't then you might reconsider your pitch.
For a first novel writer, the agent is going to be more impressed with your writing than with your education. You've got to make the technical explanation understandable and they won't be impressed with your C.V. It's also bad form to pitch future novels. If this one is good, then there will be more to follow.
Mother of Pearl – RoxyL
Like the title, but only if you've got a juicy part for the mother. It seems, however, that the mother has not point of view.
If everyone knows the current Queen is insane, then how is that a secret? I'd strike that sentence and refer to the replacement to the insane Queen. Is the Queen of the blood Royal? If she isn't then that might make the search for Pearl more urgent.
When you introduce Dylin, I suppose he's the POV character, but then you say he isn't human. If he isn't, then what is he? Is that important to the story? I think his motivation isn't clearly written and it needs to be in a query. This is a display of your writing talent and that part seemed a bit muddy to me as I read it.
Don't know who the street urchin is unless it's Dylin. If it is, then saying so will add some spice and ties some loose ends together. I liked this paragraph though. I thought it the strongest in the query.
The next paragraph was to twisty-turny for my taste. We are supposed to identify with Dylin who is a main character, yet you tag him as deceptive. That word has negative connotations and something better might be employed. Desperate? If the plot permits would make him a hero rather than a possible cad.
I'd also take out the 'Dylin narrates' sentence. You've already implied that's what's happening and you don't need a recap in a query. You need to push the conflict and the possible resolutions and character changes across to the agent in the query.
Knights Valor – Tiergan II
I don’t have much to criticize here. You laid out the world, the conflict and the potential for change. I do think that you don't need as full a description of the Shield of Five unless he has a long running battle with them, then you need to identify them as the protagonist. In fact now that I think of it, you really don't have a protagonist, here. Is it the fallen god? Then put a bit more about him/her in.
[This message has been edited by Owasm (edited December 22, 2010).]
Dear Laura Rennert,
Before, (Skip ‘before’) Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. (nice hook) Then her parents died * and left (leaving) her with only a few runes (enough skill? Are the runes an inheritance or the only thing she focused on?) to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and Being thin doesn't help you pay bills. (If this is YA, is she college age? Teens would have different worries than bills, like a new guardian/foster care)
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against (compared to) a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a (Is this Joe?) seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls.
If she’s going to make sense of all of this (and survive it? Then skip the 17yo)… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try (she has to/must) to steal back her mother’s notebook (you need to mention this earlier, it was jarring info. See my * above) from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is to enlist the help of the new kid (new kid had no context for me, just Joe would be fine), Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family (maybe mention war earlier, too. Also a wt? moment for me. See the *), and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
*She is oblivious to the war festering around her until a tragic accident takes both her parents and her inheritance: her mother’s powerful notebook of spells. She is left with only a few runes to make her hair shiny…
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. (May be better at the end. As always, show us potential for emotional growth, don’t tell.)
Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station (working as a radio DJ). She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life. (Not sure all the history is relevant to a query. Is rejection or shuttling more relevant to her psyche or is it simply that she doesn’t really feel like a part of either world?)
After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate (despite) the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies. (a little info dump-y here with lots of new ideas thrown together. Is the first fey behind all of the danger these people face? If so directing the paragraph to her struggle against him would be more concise. It would be nice to show that the events lead her closer to the final confrontation as well as helping her grow stronger.)
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett
Intersting concept. Very in line w. a lot of today's lit.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
Brendan
quote:
Ms. Phyllis Stein-Cutpurse
Cutpurse Literary Agency
13 West 24th St.
New York, New York 10010
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,The Wonderful Instrument THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT (all caps) is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston. Putting the setting near the beginning isn't a bad idea. But don't start with the title and genre. It's not the most interesting thing about your manuscript,
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Start here.-> Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee. I can't sort out who is the main character here. Dr. Chin or Hector? Or even Max? This paragraph should be about Hector and give us some reason to care about him--his harsh and loveless upbringing.
At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. Start here -> When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. [b[<- Strike that sentence. [/b]He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. Five named characters now. Some agents would begin to consider that Name Soup. So many characters that you can't get a feel for any one of them. Try to get by with two or three. This is probably far too much information about Max for the query. Frame if from Hector's POV.
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love. And here is the point where Hector has to make a choice. Expand a little on the consequences. And you may need to mention why Max has enemies in Europe. Did he seduce the wrong girl?.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.
Sincerely
Matt Leo
quote:
My Agent
Agents R Us
XX Madison Avenue
New York, NY
January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,From the moment Michael steppedsteps out of the car at his grand parents’ one word house, and sawsees Chrissie, he knewknows his summer would will be magical. Stick to present tense. Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else. I'm not sure what the twin ponds have to do with anything. Cool bit of world building, but what's the relevance? But that was that's good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped in a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair.
Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions suspicions? I thought he saw his friend get trapped., Michael enlists the help of Chrissie. Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. This is the place to be more specific. Describe a couple of monsters they have to escape from. Ravens haunt their trail Ravens don't sound very scary. and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions wrong word. Minions? , the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.
With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Why am I suddenly seeing Peter Pan in my mind's eye? (That kind of resonance is fine, BTW.) Escaping the witch’s clutches hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible. Neither of these last two are actually sentences. Fragments in the book, fine. Fragments in the query letter, probably not.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. They know it's available (or it certainly should be.) I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.[b[ Ever read Query Shark? Leave off the last sentence. [/b]
quote:
Dear XXXI believe that my story "Tsunami Riders" would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent. Put this at the end
In Tsunami Riders, < Delete that first clause. Eddie "Easy" Sumner has surfed some big waves -- seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ I wouldn't use any kind of special formatting in the query letter. attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling "experiences" for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
But Sumner also faces the "wrath", a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. I'd hesitate to start a sentence, let alone a paragraph, with "But" in the query letter. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe's newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon -- it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won't be so easy. [I don't get a good enough sense of what the wrath is, here. What exactly does it do? How do you "return" wrath. I think I'd want to shut it off, not return it. And what are the stakes? What happens if they fail to return the wrath?
Tsunami Riders TSUNAMI RIDERS (all caps) is a semi-hard science fiction I don't think semi-hard is a subgenre of science fiction. I wouldn't use it here. story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder. Agents aren't usually impressed by what you think the story does. They'll judge for themselves.
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.They know you're seeking representation. Only include the degrees if they're relevant to THIS story in some way. Some personalization (more specific) for the agent is a good thing.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. Put this in your signature block.I look forward for your response. Ever read the Query Shark?
Brendan
Good start. It just needs a little more clarity about the wrath and an indication of what's at stake.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 23, 2010).]
Meredith, MAGE STORM
Critique: Tried and true "hero that needs to learn to use his powers" story. Cliche, maybe, but this does have some originality. Although a second cliche does put me off a little - the cult leader. Why not just a teacher of magic?
Editors Take: Put on the pile of promising, but will check back at the end of the day.
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC
Critique: Is Joe Penrod the kid that walks through walls? If so, then introduce him by name earlier. If not, then make some distinction between the two.
Editors Take: This query has voice. Definitely send a sample.
MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE
Critique: How does a beast that can't talk "ask" to join the company? Also, what does the title have to do with the story? It promises something that doesn't seem to be promised in the query. "Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle." doesn't convey much information.
Editors Take: Doesn't stand out. Form reject.
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS
Critique: I probably need to know more about the nature of the symbiant, or else I envision the Tok'ra which puts it in the non-original pile. "... novel informed by ..." suggests that the author had a reader that had those degrees, rather than the author himself (which would add more weight).
Editors Take: A human being convinced to be mind controlled, certainly original. Send for a sample, but keep hopes down.
Genevive42, SANDFISHING
Critique: Needs to start when her money dries up, not at backstory, otherwise it feels very deep into the story when the real story starts. The government needs to be emphasised more, as they are the real menace. Why was MightyCrp named?
Editors Take: Most original all day. Intriquing title. Send a sample.
Snapper, POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING
Critique: As has been said already, this has the feel of a proposal, which is more market driven than a query. The major issue is that it is an alternate history for a first novel in a franchise. That would probably be too much for the market, which would expect a straight novel.
Editors Take: Too big a risk. Form reject. Oh, I don't have a form rejection for novels.
Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE
Critique: "Along the way..." seems to reduce the tension of the query, suggesting they are peripheral to the plot. The mage's tower is very cliche. I also thought that maybe this takes us too deep into the story, more synopsis than query.
Editors Take: LOTR or computer game variant. Some interesting ideas but not enough to jump out. Form reject.
Axeminster, THE SUNDAY KILLER
Critique: I'm not sure who Robert Argyle is in the first paragraphs, so I don't know what it means to be neutralised (does he have acerbic wit?) "Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder." Prior to this, we are on her side. Now we don't know whether to root for her or for him. Dangerous in a query.
Editors Take: Intriguing teaser. Put in the "Send chapter and synopsis" pile.
MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
Critique: The term "career" made me think it was modern times. Then it became historic? What era is it? That is probably important for historic fiction. This also has similarities to Gladiator, which is both good and bad. The last sentence of the second paragraph, and the first of the third essentially say the same thing.
Editors Take: Gladiator in ...? Already had enough good ones today, form reject.
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Critique: "Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth" So, is Kerry filled with danger? The sentence is a little ambiguous. The first paragraph could be condensed into a single sentence - some of the detail didn't seem to add my interest (that may be a personal interest thing - don't know). "There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. " Is this an event-based story? Or a character-ased story. The quoted sentence seems to make it event-based. We perhaps need some drive as to how these affect the MC rather than a list of events in the story. "Dissipate the odds" Never good to make a spelling mistake in a query.
Editors Take: "Dissipate the odds"? A writer that can't spell. Hmm. Form rejection.
MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT
Critique: A bit wordy for a query, particularly "educational rather than biomedical" and "no less astounding". Use of unusual terms like Lothario, where ladykiller, Casanova or even philander are more common, reduces wide appeal, so a sale would be for a niche agent. Also, it feels like the focus should be on Hector, rather than (particularly) Dr. Chin or even Maximilian, since the character arc is his - one line (with Hector as the subject) to capture each relationship should be enough to set the scene for Hector's beginning friendship with Maximilian. Also, was Summer a common name back then? I thought that it is more a modern phenomenon.
Editors Take: The query needs a good edit. Interesting premise, but it looks like a lot of work if I do take it. Form reject.
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
Critique: Intriguing, although painting oneself into a picture is old as the hills (Mary Poppins, Elder Scrolls, Oblivian). I wasn't sure about the intended audience (girls or boys?) if it was for middle grade.
Editors Take: Old idea. Form rejection but with a line to send in something else.
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
Critique: Potential problem with suggested POV - it states that Dyln narrates but the third paragraph suggests that Pearl has POV. The "promise of a lost friend" sounds like the title of a certain type of commitment - it would be interesting world if it was, but if it isn't then this is a little vague. "in order to protect her he just has to be the first" is all that is needed for that sentence - the rest is a repeat of information. The next paragraph is too detailed (more like a synopsis), and could probably be cut (although the meeting of the two character should be incorporated into the next paragraph).
Editors Take: A little wordy, but potential is there. Send sample.
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
Critique: Intriguing hook, but will need to show why it isn't evil to take the life of the one that calls (else fighting evil is a fatal contradiction). The second paragraph sounds a little like a D&D summary.
Editors Take: D&D Baah. Form Rejection.
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited December 31, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited December 30, 2010).]
I would wonder why there was a revolution against them-were they that bad- but it may not matter here. And IÕm not sure if scarification is one of those words agents would want. Its easy enough to figure out but itÕs also not a word normally used. Would an agent want to take even a second or two to figure it out? Probably depends on the agent.
The rest of it seems to describe events well enough. Even though MightyCorp seems to be rather cliche-ish. But that might depend on if this is YA or not. Speaking of MightyCorp that sentence seems not professional sounding. It starts with a ÒthenÓ. IÕm not sure if that is just me but I think it can be done better sounding.
ThatÕs all I have.
Hmmm, not sure what to say beyond the stuff put in for humor. I think the word novel is used too many times, even though IÕm not sure if that was done on purpose. It could probably be shorter without all the extra explanations, and could use a bit more description of the actual story.
ThatÕs all I have.
IÕm not sure if most agents would ask these questions but I would.
I might want to do know what year we are talking about or what level of Tech. Is this a medieval type of society, 1800s as it sounds with the finishing school or ?
Besides that fact that everyone is after her, does the magic do anything to her? Is the journey through the wizard land as quick and unexciting as it sounds?
Beyond that it makes sense and I can see where the action and emotional conflict would come in. Her Òlittle companyÓ sound interesting and I could see how they would be good for a YA novel. Only problem is if an agent would think they are too cliche-ish but itÕs good the way you list them....I think.
ThatÕs all I have.
Interesting. I would think Argyle is a detective but it would seem that you should state that and maybe say why he is the only one that can solve the case. Does everyone know about his ghost friend?
It feels incomplete but IÕm not sure what is needed besides what I have stated already.
ThatÕs all I have.
IÕve read this a couple of times but IÕm still not sure what to say. I get it. A nice compact way of telling what the novel is about.
Sorry but thatÕs all I can think of to say about it.
quote:
Dear Mr. A. Gent,It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. Stop with this first sentence, then go to Dyln. He's the main character. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.
And When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form what's his other form? and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. Not sure you need the part about fulfilling a promise. Put the antagonists, the barons and the mad queen here. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them. I would keep the query from the POV of the main character/narrator, Dyln.
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive strike deceptive. plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding There's something I don't like about calling Dyln out as the narrator rather than the main character. flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.
Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. They know you'd be thrilled to be asked for a full.
Thank you for your time and consideration
I like this one a lot.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited December 24, 2010).]
Also, thank you to everyone who critiqued my query. The revised version will be up shortly.
____________________________________________________________
Meredith
MAGE STORM: (212 words)
Dear Agent:
Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped. [Up to now, I don’t have a real strong feeling for who Rell is, he seems more like a reactor than an actor. I think I need some emotional connection with him. An idea might be to let us know what he loses by having to leave home. We can make certain generic assumptions, but that won’t make the connection a specific detail would.]
The only teacher he can find is Trav, but he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind.[This sort of touches upon what I mentioned before. It is a little more specific, which for me made it a bit more relatable] He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.[I don’t have a strong feeling for Trav’s motivation, and as such, I feel the danger to Rell is somewhat ambiguous. What is it that Trav ultimately wants from Rell?]
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Mostly, I think the query needs two things: make Rell more relatable, and make the danger to him more salient by clarifying what is at stake if he is caught by Trav.
____________________________________________________________
Shimiqua
Dear Awesome Agent,
Before[Before what?], Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner [this made me unsympathetic to the character because I thought of her as shallow. I think what is needed is a balancing positive trait.]. But that was before her parents died, and now she's left alone in a world of magic and danger she doesn't understand. [This garners a bit of sympathy, but it comes after I’ve already formed my first impression of Larissa. Also, ‘dangers’ is very vague, I have no idea what the specific danger is.].[/b]
Her only hope to survive is to steal her mother’s notebook from the Grandmothers with the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward tragedy. Or treason. [b][This makes the story sound a bit like a fantasy version of Romeo & Juliet. Also I still don’t know WHY she needs to seek out Joe Penrod to help her survive. ]
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC [I love this title] is a complete 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever Meredith put in hers] per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC: (121 word query)
I think the two things needed here is for me to feel sympathetic toward Larissa first, and clarification as to the danger the sends her looking to Joe for help.
____________________________________________________________
MartinV
New Kind of Warfare (227 words)
Dear Agent,
Owyn [I don’t like it when a perfectly good name like ‘Owen’ is changed in this way. The technique of replacing vowels with ‘y’ or ‘ae’ to make them seem more fantastical is over-used, IMHO] runs the Arena, a gladiatorial theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart. [I found this story premise intriguing, and am interested despite the MC’s name.]
A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show [what makes him unusual? Can you give me an unusual trait rather than tell me he is unusual?]. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk.[This addresses the above comment, so I think you should start this paragraph with this, combining it line about Owyn’s attitude towards him] Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’,[I think you can gain some efficiency by deleting this clause, the following demonstrates he is not harmless more effectively than telling us.] this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.
The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn [Why do they despise them?] but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself to admire him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
I think the basic premise is interesting. I sort of expected to learn more about why the Empire is crumbling. I just think ‘Rome in decline’ because I don’t know anything about it. I also think that the query will improve if the show-tells are addressed, where it tells us something than proceeds to show it. Just show it, and we will get that Snowflake is unusual and not a harmless kitty.
____________________________________________________________
Genevieve
Dear Agent:
Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Fifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone. [The riches to rags story, especially in these real world economic times, might make me want to read it, but probably not for the intended reasons. I think when depicting wealthy or formerly wealthy characters, it may be a good idea to give a trait the commoner can relate to. When a rich politician goes to the foodbank to help the hungry, it is so they can get a photo op that will make the constituents relate to him/her.][/b]
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored[b][government-sponsored] contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon [Veroon], from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools[this analogy doesn’t work, piranhas don’t hang out in the desert. How about jackals, hyenas, vultures, etc.?]. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms, sandfishing[I think the piranha analogy would make sense if we learn this term earlier, and we learn the Veroon travel IN the sand and not ON it] for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. [As soon as I learned the antagonist’s name, and because I know it’s real-world cultural origins, I would have stopped reading. This type of villain is cliché I have seen enough of. I doubt this would put most agents off though.]
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected.
Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Mostly, I think I need to feel a bit more sympathetic for Kaya. I think the plot is interesting, but I’d need an antagonist that I haven’t seen many times before.
____________________________________________________________
Snapper
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words)
Dear Agent,
I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one. [I’m rolling my eyes, but I think you expected that. Telling an agent ‘you should pay attention because I’m published’ is probably not a good way to start.]
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan. [I’d much rather see an original story than something based on a 15 year old franchise]
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man. [Who are the aforementioned major characters?]
The novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo. [Clearly I’m supposed to know something about Pokémon, but I don’t. Would you only be sending this to Pokémon-centric agents?]
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along.[On the contrary, I wasn’t able to follow along in the query, so I don’t really feel like I’ll be able to follow along the novel.] The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it. [Wouldn’t it be better to show me the humor and action and risky nature, rather than tell me about it? Especially if I have not been exposed Pokémon?]
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.
Thank you for your time.
I think whats needed here is less telling about how great the novel is, and more showing of what the novel is about. I’ve no idea about any of the characters, what is at stake, or why I should read this at all.
____________________________________________________________
Owasm
Dear Agent,
In a world where [I’d suggest avoiding the ‘in a world’ opening, since you see it in many B-grade sf movie trailers. Maybe you can start with ‘In the land of Polda…’] magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school.
There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her. [Why not, is this some sort of misogynistic world? I recommend clarifying why this is the case so we don’t jump to conclusions.]
She finds that wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate [roommate] and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company. [That’s a lot of new characters at once. Perhaps it is better to focus on the central character and her conflict.]
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life. [There are many mages towers in fantasy fiction.]
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. [I’m confused by this line. Earlier we are told she desperately wants the power out of her life, but would she want that if it meant she would die?]
The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words. [The title doesn’t tell me how this novel is different in any way from other stories of reluctant heroes]
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Me.
I didn’t really feel that the story set itself up as something very different from all the other fantasy that is out there, and I felt there were contradictions in the query, so I’d expect there to be the same in the novel.
____________________________________________________________
Axeminster
The Sunday Killer [I like the title, it tells me what the novel is about with a unique detail about the antagonist]
Dear Agent,
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen. [Good details to start with.]
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. [I’m very confused by this line, how does a long dead childhood friend speak in the first place? Was the ghost of the friend providing companionship for Robert?] Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. [In order to understand that Argyle is neutralized, I need to know what he was doing in the first place. I assume he is a detective, but it isn’t actually stated here yet].
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form.[This once again reminds me that I don’t know what Argyle does] But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle. [Nice twist, but I think we need to know that Argyle is a detective in your second line of the query.]
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder. [I’m not sure I like ‘penchant for insanity’. Is he actually fond of being insane? It seems rather odd, the use of penchant makes it seem like he is actively choosing to be insane, and I don’t think many insane people choose their condition.]
The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Real Name
I like the title and start, and I think you have an interesting premise. Mostly, the query needs to clarify things about the long dead friend, and make it clear Robert is a detective from the outset.
____________________________________________________________
MartinV
The Purest Sword (253 words)
Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName,
Enniorhon [I might recommend character names that are bit easier to pronounce] thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. [This is pretty good in that it tells us both what the character wants and that he doesn’t get it].Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. [You’ve switched to present tense here]. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders. [ From ‘Pushed…’ to here, this feels like a laundry list of vague events that happen to him.]
For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child [I have a hard time thinking of a soldier as child-like innocent, I’m not even sure you need it, since the use of ‘stumbles’ sort of suggests a person is getting into something they are not prepared for] when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he. [I have slight difficulty of thinking of someone who has lost his humanity as being incorruptible, but that could be just me.]
In a world where [I’d suggest avoiding the ‘in a world’ opening, since you see it in many B-grade movie trailers.] being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.[I have a vague sense of the conflict posed by the political arena, but I think we need something more concrete here, a specific antagonist and his motives at cross-purposes with Enniorhon.]
The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Yours truly,
MV[/b]
[b]I’d recommend condensing and rephrasing the second half of the first paragraph, I think there is too much info about his transitions as a soldier. I’d like to know more about who opposes him in the political arena.
____________________________________________________________
LDWriter2
Dear Mr. Hamilburg
Bright Lights and Chaos is [an] 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider.[I don’t think you should say that you will hope the agent will consider it.] The novel is a First Person [I wouldn’t waste precious query words on telling the agent the POV] tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. [I’d recommend showing and not telling about the novel.]
Kerry is a 20 something half fey[half-fey] young[you told us her age, don’t need the adjective] woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. [This sentence is off] As a child she was shuttled between her full [don’t need full]Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style [I think this needs a hyphen, though I don’t know what Fabian style is] half fey who helped Halfies stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the gray side of life. [I like ‘the gray side of life’, but I don’t think you need all the line about being shuttled back and forth as a child]
After a prophecy about Bright Lights and Chaos given to her over the phone, her life changes.[What about the prophecy makes her change?] She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change. [This is a lot of telling about what is in the content in the novel. Stick to the MC and her main conflict. All the stuff about gun battles and collapsing buildings are details that we don’t need in a query]
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Yours Truly
Louis E. Doggett[/b]
[b]I suggest you strip this down to bare essentials, sticking to just the MC and her conflict, which isn’t very clear from this query. The link between the prophecy and why it precipitates a change is also missing here.
____________________________________________________________
MattLeo
Ms. Phyllis Stein-Cutpurse
Cutpurse Literary Agency
13 West 24th St.
New York, New York 10010
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,
The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston. [I think this opening is fine. It gives me a sense of setting. I think the title is good, as well.]
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. [I feel like I’m being told to believe he is brilliant. I think instead you can let his brilliance be read between the lines through his creation. Also, I would suggest replacing Dr. Frankenstein with something more general, especially since you later say Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. Perhaps ‘..answer to the mad scientist’] Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding.[Same thing here, let me be astounded rather than tell me it is astounding.] His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein.[I wonder why he is described as Frankenstien earlier, if he is no Frankenstein] His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them.[I’m confused here because I am thinking of Hector as a normal person that Dr. Chin educated a certain way. Perhaps instead of using ‘created’ you could use ‘trained’] On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.
At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable.[Can you tell us what makes him likable?] When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector. [I’m feeling there is too much focus on the series of events in this query, and it is making it longish.]
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe.[Can we have a detail about these mortal enemies?] He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.
Sincerely
Matt Leo[/b]
[b]I think this query reads more like a synopsis of the story. There are a number of intricate conflicts here, emotional and physical. I suggest rewriting with an eye towards those and less of an eye towards the series of events that occur. This would serve to trim down the number of characters introduced, as well, which I felt was a tad too many. Also, I think some paragraph breaks would help.
____________________________________________________________
Tiergan
My Agent
Agents R Us
XX Madison Avenue
New York, NY
January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
From the moment Michael stepped out of the car at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie, he knew his summer would be magical.[Good start] Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else.[This second sentence is way too convoluted, I have a hard time picturing what you are trying to describe here.] But that was good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped in a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair. [Using ‘dark side’ instantly conjurs up Star Wars, which you probably don’t want to do.]
Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions, Michael enlists the help of Chrissie.[What exactly is his suspicion? That Bobby is trapped in a witch’s painting? But you said he saw it happen, so doesn’t he know it for sure and not just suspect?] Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens haunt their trail and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.[So the witch sounds like an important character, but we don’t know anything about her, not even a name. More importantly, if her only motivation in trapping them is to grow the ranks of the Lost Boys, I wouldn’t be very compelled by that.]
With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch’s clutches [clutch is] hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
I’d like more detail on the witch, and to see that she has stronger motivations than just growing her army. That sort of conflict makes the characters unimportant because it doesn’t suggest that there is something special about them that makes the witch want them specifically.
____________________________________________________________
Brendan
Dear XXX
I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent. [While this kind of line does show the author did some research into learning about the agent, I don’t think you need to tell them what they already know, or make the assumption that your novel is a good fit. Let them make that judgement for themselves.]
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine. [I might consider making the the first line catchier by instead saying something like ‘In Tsunami Riders, Eddie ‘Easy’ Sumner has surfed some of the biggest waves in the galaxy’. This packs the punch of most of this paragraph in a single sentence, making it more intriguing.]
But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.[Being new to queries, I’m not sure if an outline of the novel’s themes are appropriate]
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. [Considering the nature of the novel, this info is relevant, and it is appropriate that you put it in here] I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
Brendan[/b]
[b]I don’t have a whole lot to say about this one. I think it has potential but it isn’t quite there yet. What I think is needed is more ‘idea per sentence’ as I suggested with the first paragraph. That’ll give it the punch I think will carry the query to the next level.
____________________________________________________________
RoxyL
Dear Mr. A. Gent,
It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane.[Good start, though it isn’t really a secret if everyone knows it, I’d just tweak it to say something like ‘It’s Middle Sea’s worst-kept secret: the Queen is entirely insane.] When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her. [Good job outlining the conflict]
And Dyln[This may just be a pet peave, but I am not a fan of this kind of vowel substitution in character names], a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.[Since the promise is Dyln’s primary motivation, one he is willing to risk war for, shouldn’t we know what the promise is?]
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster.[I like the analogy but I think it could be rephrased for a bit more punch. Also, is Pearl the illegitimate niece? It would be good to know this earlier.] She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them. [I think the main thing here is Pearl is bored, and has some memories of a time before. Can you find a way to say this in fewer words?]
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne. [I’m a little confused as to how she is the true heir if she is also illegitimate.]
Mother of Pearl [I like this title with its double meaning and evocations of beauty. It is the sort of title Piers Anthony would come up with] is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
This is my favorite query of the bunch. You outline character and conflict early on. The main thing I would do with this is just find a way to make it shorter. Add a bit of clarity to Dyln’s motives and to Pearl’s place in the royal lineage and I think you will be in good shape.
____________________________________________________________
Tiergan
My Agent
Agents R Us
XX Madison Avenue
New York, NY
January 31, 2011
Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor[this sounds like a video game title. Consider how real orders of knights get their names, for example, the Knights Templar. It isn’t usually after an adjective, but a noun: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knight#Orders_of_knighthood], a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.[There are just too many fantasy clichés in this paragraph to draw my interest. What sets this story apart from all the others with knights, dragons, evil deities, and magic? It all sounds like someone’s D&D campaign.]
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him. [The conflict between saving the girl or saving the world is the strongest part of the query. It needs to come earlier.]
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.[/b]
[b]The fundamental problem here is that I don’t know what makes this story unique. Consider what is special about your story and try again.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 24, 2010).]
quote:
My Agent
Agents R Us
XX Madison Avenue
New York, NY
January 31, 2011Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price,colon, here, I think. Or a dash. the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, more detail here about the magic involved in the dragon shield he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five again, more detail about this shield. Give just enough to show what's really different about the magic system in your world. and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sorry, couldn’t help that.
Alright, first off I want to thank Meredith for setting up the Query Challenge, and all participants. I also thought I would mention to all who are new here or haven’t been critted often-Remember its just one persons opinion, no more, no less. And despite the sticks and stones saying, words can hurt, but we the writer must have a thick skin. Also even the most brutal crit tends to have something, take what you want from it and go from there. Last thing, we are all in the same boat, trying to improve our writing and get published.
As far as my qualifications on Query Letters, I have read a million, and am now more lost then ever. But here is my belief. I feel the query letter should read like the blurb on the back of the book. It should tell the heart of the story with the same feeling, energy of the writing itself.
Also, I tend to babble, sorry, and offer rewrite suggestions. Its not me trying to force my will on anyone, its just my way of showing what I am most likely failing in telling
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Meredith
MAGE STORM:
Dear Agent:
Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. .I love the sound of the name Rell, not fond of the spelling, meaning it doesn’t quite look like a name so I did a double take. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.Mage is used 3 times in here, which distracts for me. I might suggest losing the Great Mage War part, I don’t feel its needed at this point and it sounds stereotypical fantasy, unoriginal. I would highlight the storms made of dead mages. Suggest--All that remain are the ashes of the great mages swirling in the violent storms plaguing the post war ridden land…
…Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with a? magic he can’t control. Alright I added the …, I don’t the word, the idea was I felt it brought the 2 paragraphs together. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped. I like the barn buring down, we are talking middle grade here, so it is fitting I believe. The last sentence reads off to me, he learns that magic isn’t as dead as people believe, but he thinks help will be easy to find?
The only teacher he can find is Trav, butcut but, and replace with who? he turns out to be an overbearing cult leader who kills anyone with real talent. After witnessing Trav I might suggest cutting after witnessing Trav, and replace with. "He” The idea is I think you might have too many, before, after, and such, it should read like your story and flow as one.goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, cut the comma, period. It will help the next sentence stand out. Variation in sentence length is a great way to add effect and geez, I am struggling with finding the write word, atmosphere? Rell is next on Trav’s list. Forced to flee, Rell can’t forget the friends he left behind. He has to find a way to learn enough to return and free the others.
That is, if Trav doesn’t catch him first, because Trav doesn’t let anyone get away that easily.
MAGE STORM is a 58,000-word upper middle grade fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
overall thoughts. I liked the story idea and feel the query isn’t that far off, just need tightening. Some will talk about originality and such. World where magic is dead and boy finds he has it, is the basis of a ton of stories, but…no idea is completely original and if it were, you could never tell it effectively in a query letter, and most likely no agent or publisher would take it for, they like to have an idea that the project they take on has the track record of selling.
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shimiqua
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC
REVISED QUERY,(232 words)
Dear Laura Rennert,
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. Then her parents died and left her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being thin doesn't help you pay bills.I would cut the before. And combine the 2 sentences. Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner, but then her parents died, leaving her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and waist smaller, and thin doesn’t pay the bills. (Forgive me for rewriting it there. My problem is I am having a hard time tryint ot explain what I am thinking.) I like this opening, I don’t mind the thin, and while it makes her seem shallow, it does it in a funny way, a way I can forgive and endears me to her, and also lets me know, where character growth may come.[b/]
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was[b]cut, who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls.
If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is toShe will need to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason.
FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC is a 70,000 words YA Urban Fantasy. I have enclosed[...]per instructions on your website.
Thank you for your consideration.
NAME
I think it gives a good feeling of what your energy and story would read like. Again, I find myself saying I have read this before, and what I mean is I believe there are many stories in the market along this vein. I tend not to worry about that as much as others. My disclaimer …no idea is completely original and if it were, you could never tell it effectively in a query letter, and most likely no agent or publisher would take it for, they like to have an idea that the project they take on has the track record of selling.
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MartinV
New Kind of Warfare
Owyn runs the Arena, a gladiatorial wow, this word is huge. Would just gladiator themed theater, work? theater in the imperial city of Koriantal. Like the Empire that is his home, the Arena is crumbling and slowly falling apart. I might suggest losing slowly falling apart.
A very unusual individual approaches, asking to be a part of the brutal show. Snowflake, as Owyn mockingly calls him, is a snow-white Rarruhirr, a member of the feline branch of the Beast Folk. Far from being the usual harmless ‘kitty’, this half-man half-panther devours every opponent that is thrown at him, questioning all that Owyn thought of the Beast Folk. Before he can figure out what is going on, Snowflake’s prowess draws in thousands to watch him fight, making him an irreplaceable part of the show.[I think this paragraph could be nearly cut by ten-fold. It is a paragraph introducing us to Snowflake, and is 1/3 the query. I suggest, A snow-white rarruhitt, half-manf half-panther pleads for a spot in the show. Owyn gives, Snowflake as he mockingly calls him a chance in the show. The feline member of the Beast Folk proves a hit, his prowess drawing in thousands to watch him fight.[/b]
The Empire despises beastlings and so does Owyn but the more he learns about Snowflake, the more he cannot help himself,butlose himself, replace with to admire him. Snowflake excels in every conceivable form of combat yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak. He fights with unprecedented fervour yet discards all payment. Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth. Yet what he uncovers might be more than he can handle.from Owyn on to the end, I like, but it seems more like the 5th or 6th sentence of the query, meaning the beginning not the end.
NEW KIND OF WARFARE is an 80,000-word urban fantasy. I have enclosed [whatever one usually sends to agents] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Ok here goes, I have a hard time with some of this. Snowflake seems to be the story, not Owyn. I don’t know if this holds true to the story or not, but here in the query Snowflake dominates the words and quite frankly the story of the query. Its all about him. All I know about Owyn is he runs the theater, and he mocks things that are different to him, people/beasts. Not necessarily someone I want to spend time with. If Owyn is the main character, I suggest finding the story in him. Is it he like the rest of the world despises the Beast Folk and has to learn that while they are different, they are people to, becomes good friends with Snowflake who he once mocked? Its there, you just have to find it.
-----------------------------------------------------
Osiris
SYMBIOSIS
Dear Agent,
‘My symbiont made me do it’ may sound like a humorous line from a T-shirt, but for Doctor Omar Ajami, it’s no laughing matter.
Omar emerges from a sentient-symbiont induced fugue state in the engine room of the Royal Empress beside two corpses; one human, one alien.
Upon investigation, he finds two dead in the infirmary, his boss, and the nurse and woman he secretly loves, Alicethis read like he found 3 bodies, but I gather nurse and Alice are one and the same. Are these the same bodies from the first paragraph if so, combine them. Adding the paragraphs. The rest of the crew and the disabled ship’s passengers are unaccountablycut, not really needed missing explains it enough for me. missing.
Until Marshall Niles, the Empress’s security officer, phones him in the infirmary, and instructs him meet him in the security office three decks above. I am lost, I thought the entire crew was missing? Ok, so one wasn’t, I would somehow combine these two thoughts, id different parapgraphs sets me off. All he has to do is evade a horde of aliens to reach him. During his short, perilous journey to the Promenade deck, Omar discovers the passengers - every one of them playing host to a sentient parasite astride the passenger’s backs.
When he reaches Marshall, they devise a plan that goes awry in its execution as the aliens dupe them into an ambush in the ship’s passenger lounge.
Plexus, a sentient symbiotic organism, has taken Omar as its host and forced a monumental decision on him – have his recent memory wiped and remain on the Royal Empress, or help chart humanities role in a brewing Symbiont civil war that threatens to suck humanity into an intergalactic conflict.
But when Omar discovers that Plexus is capable of influencing or even controlling your thoughts, emotions, and senses, how do you know the decision is your own?
SYMBIOSIS is a [insert number here] science fiction novel. Please find the [query package contents] per your instructions within.
Thank you for considering SYMBIOSIS.
I must first tell you, I don’t read much sci-fi and when I do, its very soft, so symbiont was lost on me. I think my overall opinion is it read more like a synopsis then a query for me, and left me confused. I think you may have tried for too much in a short space. I would like to see a simpler layout, I am just confused. I don’t know what the plan is, where is their goal? I mean what is Omar trying to do? Get to? Escape? I will be the first to admit, I have missed the obvious before, so I may have just missed it. But if not, I would like to see not just what the plot is but what the story is, plot Mar is stuck on a spaceship with symbionts, but what can I accept from Omar, what changes will his character overtake, or what does he struggle with internally. Does any of what I am saying make sense? Not sure it does to me anymore.
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genevive42
SANDFISHING
Dear Agent:
Kaya V. Settlemen's right hand bears the detailed scarification patterns of an Orker - the elite social class on the planet Jerenak. She's had them since she was twelve. The revolution against the Orkers came when she was thirteen. Good start. I would suggest a paragraph break here, because of the 15 year break, and would consider deleting the rest of this paragraph. It might tigten it upFifteen years later she's scraping by, collecting scrap metal for recycling or making toys to sell to anyone still willing to deal with her kind. Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers, but interstellar travel is expensive and any money her family had long gone.
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet. Might start back up here, Fifteen years later, Kaya and her friend….Kaya and her friend Zig, a street kid who tried to mug her, can't make rent or pay their bills. Desperate, they enter a government sponsored contest to eradicate an invasive species, the veroon, from the desert surrounding the capital. The veroon have chitonous shells, wiry tendrils and travel in deadly, piranha-like schools. Only the hundred-thousand credit prize keeps the contest from being a fool's game. Or so they hope. This is a good setup now, but still feel it read too long, which is why I suggest some cuts. The idea of a query is to set up the story for the agent to read, not tell every detail, the main story, and plot, not all the subplots, so keep names to the mininum.
Battling dense sand, extreme heat and sudden thunderstorms Kaya and Zig try their hand at sandfishing., but only Tarek…, sandfishing for the veroon seems hopeless. Only Tarek, the off-worlder is having any luck, so Kaya decides to follow him. After she disrupts his catch, he plots greater trickery and an unforeseen attack. Kaya falls into Tarek's hands and shortly after, into a hungry school of veroon. With everyone thinking she's dead, the game changes; surprising alliances form and mutiny brews. I suggest condensing this paragraph a little, 1 or 2 sentence after the initial sandfishing. Gist is she disrupts Tarek and gets fed to the fishes, saying it short sweet and brief, in the vein of your story telling.
Deep in the desert, Kaya learns about survival, secret government plots and the truth about the veroon. She returns with revenge and victory on her mind. What she gets is something completely unexpected. I like this part, a little tease. If you have set the hook throughout the query this should reel the agent in to reading, but to do so, we must feel for the MC
Sandfishing is a 90,000-word science fiction novel. I have enclosed [whatever the agent wants] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
not bad, interesting concept, Tremors and Dune come to mind. I am not saying that to disrespect you or the writing, or say the story is anything like that. I am saying that I am thinking of worm like creatures beneath the sand. I like the story in itself. But we need more but less at the same time. Each sentence must carry the story and plot forward, if you can cut some details along the lines I suggest, it would free up some space and word count for bigger details down the road, allowing us to feel more for the MC.
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Snapper
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling (390 words)
Dear Agent,
I am a 13 time published author with a proposal that is beneficial to your agency.I would list 1 or 2 of your biggest credits here. Also might suggest, that you have broad range of credits that might tie it into the next sentence. What I am getting at, is, when you are listing this do it to point out that you are a writer who has written, and published and knows the field of writing. Is hard to get my point across, but if done correctly it will validate the next sentence. I’m sure you are aware of the high sales in the fan-fic market. However, most of the popular themes have been done, save one.
The Pokemon franchise is on a 15 year run. The cartoon is still active, there are new video games each year, a half-dozen movies, and a yearly tour still makes its rounds. In short, it’s stocked full with fans. The only market the franchise hasn’t tapped into is print. The cartoon is tailored to a younger crowd, but I propose a novel meant for the older fan.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a 75,000 word novel based on events introduced in the franchise’s first featured film. In it the villain kills the hero, Ash Ketchum, and a magical force revives him. My novel follows a different path where he isn’t. I would suggest cutting the rest of this paragraph or maybe relocating. The pokemon he had in his possession are dispersed. Four are taken by the major characters in the story while two others pursue the villain, Mewtoo, a genetically altered monster bent on ending the reign of man.
begin again hereThe novel takes place two years after the event and follows the path of the four major characters in the cartoon and the pokemon they acquired. The characters now all lead separate lives. Ash’s old pokemon are tugging their new masters to a place beyond the Indigo Plateau. The former friends and enemies, meet up along the way. They are pursued by a mad man eager to seize Ash’s pokemon. Details of the long ago event are gradually revealed while they learn of a mysterious long-coated individual who battles the dangerous Mewtoo.
The novel is a mystery adventure. Fans of the series will eagerly follow familiar characters but readers new to the franchise will be able to follow along. The novel is tailored for a slightly older crowd. Gone will be the campy theme of a cartoon written for pre-teens. In its place is a humorous, action-filled story with a riskier feel. It is meant for young adults, but fans of all ages will enjoy it.I normally don’t like this paragraph in query’s but your case is different because it’s a franchise product so is more about marketing then just writing. I just think this paragraph can be tightened. Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is a mystery adventure that fans of series will eagerly follow, but still bring on new readers into the francshise without feeling lost. Tailored for an older crowd(all us Pokeman fan’s have to grow up some time) its humorus, action fileld story will delight readers of all ages. ALRIGHT- not great on my part, but you get the idea. The one thing I also want to point out is the query itself should show, your homour, the action ,and the slightly riskier side. While I feel this is not your general query, as the project is part of a franchise, I think I don’t have a feel for the full effect your writing. I fear it’s the dreaded You told it, you didn’t show it.
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling is the first book of a trilogy. I am deep into book two and have the final book already drafted. I have enclosed an attachment per your requirements.I hear a lot lately don’t list series or such. I am a firm believer its best to show you are writing the next project and have plans. The last thing an agent even wants is a 1 hit wonder, they do want to know that you are a professional and off onto the next project. So good job here.
Thank you for your time.
[b]The one thing I also want to point out is the query itself should show, your homour, the action ,and the slightly riskier side. While I feel this is not your general query, as the project is part of a franchise, I think I don’t have a feel for the full effect your writing. I fear it’s the dreaded You told it, you didn’t show it.
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Owasm
The Reluctant Mage:
Dear Agent,
In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school. Somehow I would like to see this more active and less passive. As worded, to me at least, for the briefest of moments it makes the Master Mage important, before the MC and he/she shouldn’t be. Its about the girl, above all. In a world where magic was once banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda. Young norise of Bordon is the unwillingly receipantent of dying Mage’s powers. OK-not great on my part, but it might get you my idea. If she is the MC, then its best to tintroduce her right off, in truth I would try to introduce her in first sentence.
There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her.I would try to make this somehow, not seem as though women can’t remember spells, but until now, magic has blocked the women from their depths. Does that make sense, if taken in at first glance it seems like women might be unable to learn spells cause they ain’t smart enough. And we don’t want that, well, maybe, I don’t really know.
She finds that I would suggest cutting first 3 words, more dynamic, I feel. Wizards are….wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roomate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company. What about tyring just the hint of scene here, showing how the ghost joins, just a sentence or two would add som much. What leads up to the ghost joining, then. The others can be placed in in one line. Soon a sentient cloud, and a highway woman, scarecely older than herself join the little company. It may not be a big thing, but I would like to see a touch of your passion, your energy, flavor of your writing here. I think sometimes that is all that separates us from other stories. And I feel the query letter is about catching not just our story, and plot but is essence, flavor.
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life.
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. I would combine these 2 sentences for effect. If ever Norise is to rid herself of the power she wants so desperately out of her life, they must reach the Master Mage’s Tower, and hope that there lies the answers to the magic that he past to her with his last breath. But does she give up her power and dir, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland? AGAIN-my part not the greatest, but this is the heart of your story. The inner conflict. I think you should also hint about this great dilemmas in the beginning. Why, if she gives up her power does she die? And it’s the first time I heard anything of enslaving her homeland.
The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.I would suggest cutting the seeking representation its already known. Just a simple. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours truly,
Me.
Alright, first my disclaimer on originatlity. It seems a lot of the queries here fall into this category, mine including. Its not really a problem as I see it. No idea is completely original and if it were, you could never tell it effectively in a query letter, and most likely no agent or publisher would take it for, they like to have an idea that the project they take on has the track record of selling.
With that said, what will add and make your novel stand out will be the little things, the ghost and its companions it seems. That’s why I suggest having a little scene of introducing the ghost. Nothing more than when they kill a band of thugs, a ghost risies from body of one and refuses to leave, instead joining their strange little company. Also, I am assuming here that magic plays a role, we don’t know much about it, does she try it out and fail, humorously, violently. I guess I would like some idea of the type of magic we are looking at it. And last hint about the conflict early on, so when it comes in the end we are feeling it. Good job overall, there is a story in there.
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Axeminister
Sunday Killer
Dear Agent,
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent.Does he see dead people? Sorry, I couldn’t help myself. But like others, I am a little lost here. It’s the long dead being silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue.alright so, I am guessing here, his friend is dead and helps him solves crimes, but now won’t help with this case. If this is true, you just need to tighten it up so we know and aren’t guessing. If true, I kind of like it and hope that the reason he won’t help with the case is something to do with the case, maybe the killer having killed him. But that alone is good I want to know why.
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.OK you lost me again, I was so conviced that the MC was Robert now, in comes another and the second half of the query is told in her POV. Is the story that way. In a query it is my belief you need to pick one MC and stick to it, the main one. It is ok to have 2 stories but is very hard to have 2 in the query, and here instead of feeding off one another it makes it look as though the story is split in half.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.
The Sunday Killer is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.
Yours truly,
Real Name
alright, I think you have an interesting story going here. I pretty much said everything throughout the piece so nothing really new with my thoughts. I think Lisa is the MC after rereading for the umpteenth time. So as I have said in previous query’s I think you really need to start there. It really wouldn’t be that hard to do after another reread, you just need to work on bringing Roberts paragraph in later, and working that in.
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MartinV
The Purest Sword
Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName,
Enniorhon thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage.You couldn’t have turned a more roundabout on me than if you had said the Loch Ness Monster came out.(sorry I had an editor say that to me once and always wanted say it. My point is, I was so sure after the first 2 sentences we were set in the real world, modern or close to it times. Surgeon also tends to set me in a real world of modern times, although I know that surgeons have existed a long time. It could just be me, but I wasn’t at all expecting the turn. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders.This is more where I think it should start, Pushed into being a soldier, after the barbarians from the sea attack, Enniorhon loses first his…
For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he.
In a world where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield. My main concern here is, I am not really getting a feel for your spirit regarding the writing. I have the plot, but not the feeling. I think that for me it is to vague, its telling more than showing this to me.
The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website.
Thank you for your time.
Well, as I said my main concern is it seemed to go from a very tight well thought out story to more vagueness. The first paragraph seemed to be a complete story in itself. Then it got vague. I don’t know how far a long you are in the story, that may have effected my feelings of vagueness, perhaps the those parts of the story have not been fully fleshed out.
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LDWriter
Bright Lights and Chaos
Dear Mr. Hamilburg
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. there are as many believe layouts for query letters as well, blades of grass. I truly don’t know which is the best. Some I read say state the book and words and if complete in the first sentence, and you took that approach. With that said, I have of late leaned towards the approach of hitting them with the story first. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth.
Kerry is a 20 somethingwhy something, it just made it seem like we the reader shouldn’t know, making me thing that her age is important. If not ,just say her age, or leave it out altogether. half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. I know the fey has brought up some concern. I truly didn’t know what fey was, but felt it was something magical along the lines of fairy. But I believe if you have done your homework and sent it to the appropriate agent, no problem, should be a standard word.She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. As a child she was shuttled between her full Feyif you are pushing into other agents that you fear might not know fey, here is a good chance t substitute fairy mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life.
After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ given to her over the phone, her life changes.Ok, so here is whre the real story begins for me. Her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches.I think we are too vague here, it sort of reads like, here is my MC and a lot of cool stuff happens. Instead of telling us all of it, show us 1 that changes her, and how she is changed by it. Dissipate the odds she feels like she is the only one who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Yours Truly
My overall concern here is I think the story and plot are too vague to get an overall experience of your writing. You might want to consider spending less words on her time before the prophecy and what happens after.
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Matt Leo
The Wonderful Instrument
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,
The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930s Boston.well not sure how I feel about coming right out and saying it, but on the other hand it feels right. And I think it fits in with your story and the feeling I am getting from your writing. I don’t know how to say this but will give it a try. It gives me the vibe of a more intellectual read. Not saying its bad, just how it feels to me.
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.
At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector.
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.
Sincerely
Matt Leo
Well, it is very thought out and truly well placed. But, my main concern here is who is the MC, in the beginning I believe it’s the Doc, then maybe Maximilian, but at the end, I feel sure, it is all about Hector. Who is the MC? Yes there can be more than one, but in 1 sentence what is your story about? If you can answer that, I think you might have who the MC is and go from there. Ex. If it is about Hector, you might start with. Hector is no ordinary man, born of the science of Dr….., he is the equivalent of Dr Frankensteins monster. But no monster is he….I KNOW, not
the best on my part, but I truly feel a query should represent 1 MC. The basis of a query letter I believe is telling the MAIN plot, the MAIN story, in the flavor of your writing.
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Brendan
Tsunami Riders
Dear XXX
I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.This is good, you have done your homework, I still might suggest putting it at the bottom. I have read many query letters that have gotten response and almost all have gotten with the story first.
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.I like it. I like the feel, the seriously big, makes me think Dude! Sweet!
But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. ok, you lost me here. His suit is attacking him, or refusing him somehow?When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.I find you come out and say the problem, but I am still not sure what the problem is, and I would like to feel it, versus have it told to me. It rebels against him, how?
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder. With the exception of the first sentence I would suggest letting your writing show all this versus telling us it does. If it is exploring themes of art and freedom show it, let us feel it. Its like me saying my novel is fast and exciting. Show the speed and the excitement. Your first paragraph was the “bomb” you nailed it and the feel of the character, and I hope the story. Either that or I am way off. Its just you have to build from the first awesome paragraph, and into the story. When his suit rebels, how, it most freak him a little which does what to him? How does he compensate?
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche. I like this, I would still consider losing the first sentence. They know you are looking for representation and truthfully every word counts especially with a semi-hard science fiction book where science may need to be explained to avoid confusion. This is also the where I would add the first paragraph it shows you did your homework, and you have the skills to possibly pull it off. Rule 1 of writing, write what you know.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
Brendan
nothing to add, I have said it all, probably more wordy then needed throughout the query.
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RoxyL
MOTHER OF PEARL
Dear Mr. A. Gent,
It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her. ok, Middle Sea makes me think of Middle Earth. While once I get into the story I wouldn’t mind it, I might consider not saying it here. –It’s a secret everyone knows: The Queen…
And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them. Is Pearl the MC, if so, I truly feel the query should start with her. Remember the query is about the MAIN story, and the MAIN plot. -In my novel Knights Valor, the story actually starts with a young girl reciting the prayer of knights Valor, and she plays a large role in the book, but when I tried to write the query with both, confusing, it took me forever to find a way to word the query without starting with her, while she may be the catalyst that sets it all in motion, Anlin is the main character. I think you may have some of that going on here. Find the main character, make us love/feel for he or she, then main plot with main story(think internal change in character here, her struggles) If done correctly, that will lead to the agent asking for a partial or synopsis and so forth.
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.
Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Pretty much said it throughout the piece. I feel its about showing the MC, I think Pearl is the MC, but yet Dyln seems to be the character talked about so much. So I am confused. I would suggest, going back to the 1 sentence rule. Tell your story in 1 sentence. Does it say, Dyln plots and plans….., or Queen tries to kill….., or Pearl flees for her life…., YES all are bad examples on my part, but this exercise may help you find your true MC and build the query around him or her. Very few books, 1 true MC, The song of Fire Ice saga comes to mind, but the I imagine the query would have read something along the. In a land where winter lasts for centuries, the Starks battle for their lives….
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Well everyone. I hope something in my rambling helps someone.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited December 24, 2010).]
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited December 27, 2010).]
And I don't mean this as being argumentative so pardon how I say it.
You said that a query isn't the place for mention gun battles and collapsing buildings. Besides the fact I haven't written the collapsing building scene yet why not include those scenes?
Those events take up over half of the book. They lead up to the final scene, it's like someone or something is both testing her and helping her to see she can do more than she thinks. Maybe I should put that in the query but I just thought of it in those words even though I have four different people tell her she is more than she thinks she is.
quote:
Osiris thanks, but one question if I may. This doesn't seem to be the place for questions but there doesn't seem to be anywhere else either.
And I don't mean this as being argumentative so pardon how I say it.You said that a query isn't the place for mention gun battles and collapsing buildings. Besides the fact I haven't written the collapsing building scene yet why not include those scenes?
Those events take up over half of the book. They lead up to the final scene, it's like someone or something is both testing her and helping her to see she can do more than she thinks. Maybe I should put that in the query but I just thought of it in those words even though I have four different people tell her she is more than she thinks she is.
Not Osiris, but I'll take a swing at this.
You've answered your own question when you said that these things lead up to the final scene. Your query shouldn't go that far.
Agent Kristin Nelson has said that a query only needs to cover your story up to the inciting incident. That's the first 30 to 50 pages. The synopsis goes all the way to the end, not the query. Set up the main character, her quest/problem/choice, and the obstacles/stakes.
It's a lot less intimidating to think of capturing the first 50 pages in 250 words than to try to cover the whole book. It leaves you room for some details to make your character or world shine a little.
quote:
You said that a query isn't the place for mention gun battles and collapsing buildings. Besides the fact I haven't written the collapsing building scene yet why not include those scenes?
What Meredith said, she took the words out of my mouth.
[This message has been edited by Osiris (edited December 25, 2010).]
Both Meredith and Osiris said to talk about only the first 40 or so pages, unless I misunderstood something which is quite possible Yet Osiris said not to include the stuff at the beginning.
quote:
Okay now I'm confused.
Both Meredith and Osiris said to talk about only the first 40 or so pages, unless I misunderstood something which is quite possible Yet Osiris said not to include the stuff at the beginning.
I went back and reviewed Osiris' critique.
I think he and I said essentially the same thing about that first paragraph--it belongs at the end. The information about the title and length are not the most interesting things about your story. You want the agent to be excited about the story before he or she gets to that. Put it at the end, right before "Thank you . . . "
Your query shoud start with Kerry. I don't think he said to leave this out, just sort it down to one or two key facts. I think you put in a little too much backstory about Kerry's childhood and not quite enough about what happens to start her moving in a new and different direction (the inciting incident).
Who is Kerry (and why should we care)?
What quest/problem/choice does she face?
What are the obstacles/consequences/stakes?
With a few choice details sprinkled in to make it sparkle and show its uniqueness.
BTW I need to restate it anywhere. It isn't a gun battle because only the bad guy has a gun. But it is an escalation of the dangerous situations she gets involved with.
Would that be a good line to use? without the but that is.
quote:
I think Meredith just outlined the recipe for success on queries. It might be better to just start your query over and follow her guidelines. Thats what I tried to do with my revision, and I think it is improved.
By repeating these things, I don't want to give the impression that there is one recipe for success with queries. Even the Query Shark has been known to tag as a winner a query that broke the rules--but did it well and in the right way.
Like most everything else in writing, they're tools to help us find the right way to do this. And the right way will be slightly different for each story.
Nevertheless, I think guidelines like those are very useful in setting out the bones of the query, which then can be fleshed out with some unique aspects of each story.
It's also harder to go horribly wrong that way, IME.
I hope the whole thing sparkles because of my writing but....
The whole things seems okay, I get the basis of the plot and the conflict but the query seems a bit --flat--unemotional--formulaic. That's all I have for this one.
I donÕt know Tiergan seems to do the ame thing I was critisised for doing yet it works here. I would like to know MichealÕs age and am curious how Bobby got trapped but the last probably isnÕt important for the query.
ThatÕs it.
From the way the previous queries were done this one seems to be a different model. Not much on the novlÕs plot but you seem to have what you need though. Not sure about using terms like ÒSeriously bigÓ and Òcoolest ridesÓ, they seem amerturish but the rest sounds good. Eevn though I didnÕt get the return the wriath by tricking it. It might be because itÕs late but return it where?
IÕm also not sure if most agents would care about your degrees and that you can create plausible stories but I donÕt know enough agents to say for sure.
Nicly done I think, except it seems a little long with too many details. Not sure about the sameness sound of ÒTreasure hidden in a oysterÓ. It fits the title of the novel but itÕs also is the same old- same old.
There are the questions about what Dylan is, that he needs to take human form and can everyone here do that or is the Shorelands different? The answers to these may contridict my first statement and I donÕt know if you need to answer them. You implied he is different already. I would want a little something to expalin about the Shoreland people if they are different.
That's it
Hmmm, Seems like you have everything you need except not much on the Fallen god. He seems to be the main bad guy but you have more on his ÒtoolsÓ than on him. Maybe a bit less on the fight across the jaggered landscape which is something of a cliche. Not sure if you need the part about him drinking so much. That looks to be something for a fuller synopses.
The book sounds interesting though. If I all that on the back of a book I would give it a second look.
That's it
That is it for the Queries... I think...if I missed one let me know even if I'm not saying much about most of them.
Tiergan: THE LOST BOYS The title is nice and simple.
quote:
Dear Mr. My Agent,......Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
This is a YA story. It has everything a YA needs, including the biggest challenge of all: to admit infatuation. While I have nothing against it, I simply cannot relate to this story. I don't think I could tell you what's good and what's not in this query.
quote:
Dear XXXI believe that my story 'Tsunami Riders' would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie 'Easy' Sumner has surfed some big waves - seriously big. Seriously big? Who are you trying to convince? But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling 'experiences' for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
But Sumner also faces the 'wrath', a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. So his biggest challenge is to control his suit? Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe's newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon - it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won't be so easy.
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.
You tell what the story is about, not show it. Talking about your degree won't make the story more believable.I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
I'm not sure I understand what the story is about. I think you yourself are a surfer and wanted to share your enthusiasm. Unfortunately, I'm not a surfer, and I'm not convinced.
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited December 28, 2010).]
quote:
It's a secret everyone in Middle Sea Ugh. Middle Sea - Middle Earth. Tolkien is not really my brand of vodka but I'll give this a try anyway. knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.I like the first paragraph very much. It tells everything I need to know is so little words. Brilliant.And Dyln Ok, I had some trouble with the name. Is it pronounced as Dylan or something else?, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form A prince will take human form? So he's not human now? I am intrigued. and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them.
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.
I get confused reading the last two paragraphs. I think you're trying to put too much information in it and only you understand it. It might be best to write this again.
Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript.
quote:
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.You try to make the first paragraph catchy. It works about halfway for me. The bit about the ten year old is a bit confusing.Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl's quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. So there's really no challenge to speak of? Why read it then? Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, But this is just the opening gambit? This translates to: I know this sounds boring but stick with me, my story gets better. You ought to rewrite the query and make it interesting. and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that Trevain has set on Anlin's trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers - to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.Too many fantasy names. What's next? The Enchanted Sword of Truth? The Five? Why not the Nine?
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
In a world where magic had once been banished, wizards once again stalk the land of Polda, wreaking havoc. This is probably just personal nit, but starting the sentence with the phrase "in a world..." sounds like the beginning of a cheesy movie trailer.Also this sentence doesn't say much except that there are wizards, I would ditch it.The Master Mage is dying when he transfers his power to Norise of Bordon Forest, a young girl about to enter finishing school. This sentence is so much better. You could expand on this idea, show the inner conflict of the Master Mage, and perhaps his name, a bit more. And could you tell us how Norise feels about going to finishing school. Show us why we want to root for her.
There is a major problem, women can't remember spells so the magic is useless to her. Half this sentence is spent telling this is a problem. I'm guessing this is a clue to how the Master Mage thinks, and a clue about the world they live in, however I'm sure it could be explained clearly.
She finds that How exactly does she find that wizards are after her. Be specific. wizards are after the power and she must flee school with her roommate and an apprentice wizard. Along the way a ghost, a sentient cloud, and a highway-woman, scarcely older than herself join the little company. a brief clue as to why they join together would be helpful in adding clarity. Are they all hiding from the wizards?
They must get to the Master Mage's Tower in the hostile land of wizards in order to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life.
Once at the tower, she is confronted with an awful decision. Give up her power and die, or live and become the tool of those who would enslave her homeland. Why would she die? Adding clarity adds what makes your book special.
The Reluctant Mage is a YA fantasy complete at 77,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration. I don't think that sentence is necessary.
Yours truly,
Me. You will want to say your name. 
During the cold of a New York City winter, a serial killer has emerged near precinct thirteen.
Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent. Lost and helpless, Argyle is neutralized and the murders continue. Wha?! More clarity please.
Lisa Abernathy, a psychology student at NYU is recruited in an effort to return Argyle back to form. This might just be me, but why would they enlist a student, when there are experts available? Is she a daughter of the mayor, or something, what is it about her that makes her so special? She seems like the hero of the story, so any extra clue into her character would help tremendously. But soon, Lisa finds herself assisting in the investigation. Thrust unwillingly into one crime scene after another, her knack for detective work soon outweighs her therapeutic efforts.
Until, she reasons, the killer is detective Argyle.
Simultaneously fearing and helping him, Lisa weaves deeper and deeper into a psyche that is either mad or brilliant.nice. Here's the meat and potatoes of the story, clearly stated.
Can she discover the true nature of detective Argyle in time for him to solve the case? Or will she prove once and for all his penchant for insanity has driven him to murder.
The Sunday Killer Great title. is a suspense/thriller complete at 80,000 words.
I am seeking representation for this work and would appreciate your consideration.Is that necessary?
Yours truly,
Real Name
quote:
Dear Mr/Ms/Mrs Name MiddleName LastName,
Enniorhon thought he knew what his life would be. A career of a surgeon, providing for his wife and daughter. Then the raiders come out of the empty sea, a barbarian people that are as pitiless as they are savage. Pushed into being a soldier, Enniorhon loses first his humanity, My issue is the word humanity. What exactly do you mean by that? then his family. Broken and forgotten, he rebuilds his spirit by developing the sword-fighting skill he has learned from his forefathers, turning it into a true martial art. Overnight, he turns from a cursed deserter into a celebrated hero, protecting people from the sea marauders. Nice
For all his skill on the battlefield, Enniorhon is innocent as a child when he stumbles into the political arena, a warzone far more vicious than the one he excels in. It is a place where warriors are a highly coveted currency and where there is no place for a man as incorruptible as he.
In a world Again, I do not like starting a sentence with the phrase In a world. It sounds like a cheesy movie trailer to me.where being a hero means being the most precious of commodities, selling your sword to the right lord means a world of ease. But being a hero that refuses to be bought could cause him to become a liability or even a threat to powerful people. Soon, Enniorhon learns that there are far more dangerous places than a battlefield.
The Purest Sword is a [lots]-word pseudo-historical fiction novel with an option of becoming a series. I have enclosed [the usual stuff] per the instructions on your website.
Overall, this query is really good. Good clues into the personal struggle and world of the story. Nice.
Thank you for your time.
Yours truly,
MV
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited December 28, 2010).]
265 words long.
Dear Mr. Hamilburg
ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ What's with the odd punctuation? is a 86,000 words Urban Fantasy novel I hope you will consider. The novel is a First Person tale of Kerry Bedrosian filled with danger and emotional growth. This sounds like it should be the last paragraph, not the first.
Kerry is a 20 something half fey young woman who works as a DJ at a radio station. She has lived a life full of rejection from most Full Bloods mixed with a fear of discovery by humans. From hereAs a child she was shuttled between her full Fey mother and her human dad. In her later teen years she worked with a Fabian style half fey who helped ÒHalfiesÓ stay away from the darker life styles, while he taught them how to make a living on the ÒgrayÓ side of life.to here, is all back story. I don't need to know all of this in a query. I think you should get to the meat and potatoes of the story.
After a prophecy about ÒBright Lights and ChaosÓ If you ditch the back story you will have time to explain what the bright lights and Chaos is. It's a cool term, and a cool title, but it is a little vague and I need a clue as to what it actually is in order to be invested. given to her over the phone, her life changes. She begins a series of consecutively more dangerous rescues of adults, children, and her date from harm. There are gun battles, collapsing buildings, elves with knives and hell dogs to fight or outrun. So what happened that turned her into a hero? In the final adventure she goes up against a very powerful First Born fey who has kidnapped a group of children to change into servants, guards, beast-men and wenches. Dissipate Despitethe odds she feels like she is the only one Why does she feel that way? who can stop the First Born before the children start to change.
Along the way Comma she discovers hidden strengths, begins a romance with a human, finds new friends, allies<ditch and enemies.
I have included a SASE and/or return E-mail address, for your response. Thank you for considering my novel.
Overall I think the story sounds interesting, Clear up the confusion and focus the query on what makes your story important.
Yours tTruly,
Louis E. Doggett
Dear Ms. Cutpurse,
The Wonderful Instrument is a satirical urban fantasy set in 1930 's Boston.
The brilliant Dr. Chin is the liberal arts' answer to Dr. Frankenstein. Although his methods are educational rather than biomedical, his results are no less astounding. His "monster" Hector towers over ordinary mortals physically and mentally, but Dr. Chin is no Frankenstein. His "superior man" was created not merely to be better than ordinary men, but to improve them. On those terms the experiment is a failure. Okay...I'm not exactly sure what these first paragraphs mean. This is what I got from it, correct me if I'm wrong, or better yet, correct the query. Dr. Chin is a teacher, and Hector is a student Dr. Chin is trying to make perfect, through harsh discipline, and vigorous training. Or else Hector is a monster, like Frankenstein, but created to fix humanity. One of the two. Could you maybe say why Dr. Chin feels he needs to fix humanity and then clearly state how he went about fixing by creating a detached monster?Hector's life of harsh discipline and enforced virtue affords him no emotional connection to others. Dr. Chin may have created a monster; one whose sophisticated insights into human affairs enable it to move through society unchecked. He needs a tool to probe Hector's true nature, and he's found just the thing in Maximilian, a dashing young political refugee.
At sixteen, Maximilian is already an accomplished young Lothario. ? He's shallow, selfish and impulsive, yet somehow likable. When his scandalous behavior gets him expelled from his military academy, Nice introduction of Maxmillian. he lands at the very eccentric, ultra-liberal school Hector attends. Dr. Chin inflames Maximilian's insecurities so that his bizarre behavior will draw Hector's attention, and the two young men strike up an unlikely friendship. Maximilian's confidence is restored through Hector's mentoring. He returns to his old tricks, seducing the meek but beautiful Summer. When that proves too easy, Maximilian turns his attention to pugnacious Nellie, Summer's formidable self-appointed protector.
Hector discovers his own feelings for Nellie just as Maximilian's mortal enemies arrive from Europe. He must keep Maximilian alive while restraining Maximilian's corrupting influence on the clever but inexperienced Nellie. To succeed, Hector must learn that some things have a claim on him that comes before loyalty, friendship, or even love. I love the idea of this sentence, but it could be clearer.
The Wonderful Instrument is available as a completed manuscript of just under a hundred thousand words.
Sincerely
Matt Leo Overall, this query is enough that I would read the attached synopsis, and perhaps the first chapter. If you could clear up the confusion, I think it would get a request to read more.
Dear Mr. My Agent,
From the moment Michael stepped out of the car at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie, he knew his summer would be magical. Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out, and there was no way it could be anything else. But that was good magic, not the dark side he discovers when he sees his best friend Bobby trapped inside? a witch’s painting at the local Art Fair.
Unable to convince either his grandparents or the police of his suspicions, Michael enlists the help of Chrissie. Together they paint themselves into the picture to free their friend. But the painting is only one scene in the witch’s world, and from the moment they enter her demented domain, they are hunted by unknown horrors dreamt up by her imagination and given birth by the paint from her brush. Ravens haunt their trail and every shadow leaks into life as the witch’s darkest dominions, the Lost Boys, seek to add another to their ranks.
With the aid of Pan, a young boy who has been trapped in the witch’s world for over sixty years, finding their friend proves to be easy. Escaping the witch’s clutches proves hard, and discovering the magic to paint their way home, harder still. But telling Chrissie he loves her, the hardest--if not impossible.
The Lost Boys is an upper middle grade 50,000-word fantasy novel complete and available at your request. I have enclosed a brief 1-page synopsis, and the first chapter for your review.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.
Nice. Overall you will want to watch for tense shifts. I think queries are supposed to be in present, you keep switching between the past and present.I really like the idea of an adventure inside a witches painted world. Very cool.
[This message has been edited by shimiqua (edited December 28, 2010).]
I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent. Nice.
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ punctuation error? attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. This might just be me, but I had an issue with you beginning two sentences in a row with a But, or and and. I would ditch the last one, maybe say, Eddie works for Good Vibrations *company name* making... And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then clarify, maybe say the planet Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. So this is a case of company insurance versus an extreme job kind of thing. Could you say it more clearly. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche. Awesome. This works for me.
I can be contacted on XX XXXX XXXX, or via email on yyyy@zzzz.com.au. I look forward for your response.
Brendan
It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. Great first sentenceWhen rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.
And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form instead of what? and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. Is the lost friend the future queen? Or is the promise to save Pearl. The sentence seems to come out of nowhere, so any connection would be awesome. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster. She remembers no life before the desert, and yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known. Life is safe and routine, drowning Pearl in boredom until a is this Dyln?handsome street urchin arrives begging for a chance to serve them.
Revealing only what he wants others to believe, Dyln is sure his deceptive plan will work. He can keep everything and everyone under control - until he realizes the future queen may have some devious plans of her own. Dyln narrates the unfolding flight through the kingdoms of land and sea, hoodwinking queens, barons, and commoners alike in an attempt to bring the true heir of Middle Sea to the throne.
Mother of Pearl is a XXX word YA fantasy novel. I have enclosed (whatever you want) and would be pleased to send you the full manuscript. Nice. Overall, I think you need to connect the dots a little better to help the flow not sound choppy. I would definitely read on. Cool idea. I like how the true heir of middle sea is left vague. Good mystery.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Dear Mr. My Agent,
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
Bound by magic, Anlin reluctantly accepts the young girl’s quest to free her parents from the Fallen God Trevain. He storms into battle as cold and ruthless as ever. Taking the coin purses from the bodies of the dead he buys his drink to silence the guilt of those he has slain and the one he has yet to. With the aid of the dragon in his shield, he fights his way across the jagged landscape, battling golems, and giants of the darkest magic. But this is just the opening gambit, and the real threat lies in the Shield of the Five and the demons that You might want to say the Fallen God as a reminder, I had to look back. Trevain has set on Anlin’s trail. Diminutive in stature, The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him. Cool stakes, well written
KNIGHTS VALOR is 100,000-word fantasy complete and available at your request. I have included a one-page synopsis and the first chapter for your review.
You're good to go. Well done.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
According to my records:
Genevive42, Snapper, and Axeminster haven't posted any critiques, yet.
MattLeo still owes six critiques
And Brendan owes ten.
## MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
This story line reminds me vaguely of Captain Blood by Rafael Sabatini. As one reviewer synopsized Captain Blood, "Peter Blood, a physician and English gentleman, turned pirate out of a rankling sense of injustice. Barely escaping the gallows after his arrest for treating wounded rebels, Blood is enslaved on a Barbados plantation. When he escapes, no ship sailing the Spanish Main is safe from Blood and his men." Note how wonderfully concise and muscular that summary is, just the thing you want when you're convincing someone to read an adventure story. This is what your query should be.
Fantasy writers are in the business of recycling literary tropes; a good fantasy story is at both familiar and fresh. Looking at this query, the story doesn't sound fresh or compelling as it might, and I'm tring to figure out why. I think it is because of what I call "hard sell", telling the reader what to think instead of leading him to that conclusion. In the "Captain Blood" we aren't told that Captain Blood is an incorruptible man "in a world of" [trope alert] hypocritical rulers little better than pirates themselves. It's obvious. We are't told that slavery in Barbados is unspeakably degrading, we assume that is the case. If we were told that, we'd question it.
I think show not tell applies here. We're told too much the emotional response, that Enniorhon "loses first his humanity... Broken and forgotten ..." I know that writers like to torture their protags to make them sympathetic, but in a summary we aren't engaged with the character in the same way we are in a book. Many bad manuscripts I've seen crucify the protag in order to build sympathy for him, when really you ought to crucify him to exploit the sympathy you've already built. Note how in the summary above Peter Blood is first arrested for treating wounded rebels (something that is his duty as a physician) and is *then* sent to Barbados.
I wish I could be more specific and helpful, but the best I can say is this: it would be better if you could achieve the melodrama you're reaching for with a lighter, more deft touch, one that brings out Enniorhon's character vividly without obviously nailing him to a cross.
Finally, I think that mentioning the potential for a series is considered bad form. I don't think the people reading the query care if you think you have a series; you *won't* have a series unless you can sell this book.
## LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Again I think we open with a bit of hard sell: "filled with danger and emotional growth." If you are going to raise that at all, do it at the end after you've convinced the query reader that this is going to be the case.
Also, "fey" in this context could be taken to mean "insane" or "simple minded". I think this makes a bad impression because one of the things you see in fantasy manuscripts is heavy handed use of jargon to create atmosphere. We see it again with "First Born". I always think it is best to open a manuscript with a problem that is entirely understandable and from there lead the reader into the curious and inexplicable. That can be applied here. You can lead with the reason we will identify with Kerry: she feels like she doesn't fit in, and she's looking for her place in the world. Then you put the fantasy top-spin on it: she has far better reason than most to feel this way.
"After a prophecy about ... her life changes." I think this is stating the obvious. It's pretty much given that in most stories we'll get a brief picture of the MC's life status quo ante, and then something knocks her off course. This leads to a common problem with fantasy manuscripts, which is getting bogged down in backstory. I think the query gives us a bit too much bio, and some might take that as telegraphing the manuscript having a backstory problem.
We can also take for granted that when Kerry triumphs, she discovers new strengths, and obtains what was previously unattainable (friendship, romance), and that this will involve a number of exciting details.
So what is this story essentially about? A girl who doesn't fit in trying to reconcile two competing heritages. What is the nature of her solution? To side with one or the other? Or to reconcile them? Or maybe transcend the false dichotomies that opposing sides agree upon? Maybe her task is to cut a kind of Gordion knot, to find a way of being that is authentically herself. That is the psychological truth behind all fish out of water stories; not to return to the water nor remain a fish on land, but find a new way of being. I think that you want to show (not tell) that you have a fundamental psychological insight into the human condition that can be expressed in fantasy form.
## Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
I think you have a nice story concept here, and perhaps it might be best to lead with that rather than Michael's reaction to Chrissie. "Throw in ..." this is what I call hard sell. You want to show you can handle romance more subtly than that. Especially if you want boys in your target readership.
So get right to the point: "When Michael sees his missing friend trapped in witch's painting at the local art fair, the police investigating the disappearance don't take him seriously. When even his grandparents won't believe him, he turns to Chrissie [who you deftly show is both scary and fascinating to him].
## Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS
quote:
I believe that my story “Tsunami Riders” would be a good fit for the portfolio of non-militaristic hard science fiction novels and writers that you currently represent.
Wow. If you knew a certain agent had that very specific ideological/literary orientation, this would be a very interesting opening. If not, maybe not.
quote:
In Tsunami Riders, Eddie “Easy” Sumner has surfed some big waves – seriously big. But when your troupe flits from planet to planet and has the latest simulation software, you _can_ attempt the biggest rides in the galaxy. And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
OK, this is interesting, but it's not clear what you are writing about. Are you writing about somebody who actually goes around the galaxy and physically surfs, or are you writing about somebody who does this in virtual reality? Noodling about this, its clear that he makes interstellar surfing movies, and like any good stuntman plans his shots very carefully (in this case using software, a detail whose ommision would improve your clarity). It's very important to show you are a good writer here.
quote:
But Sumner also faces the “wrath”, a rebellion by his nanotech protection suit to his extreme thrill-seeking ways. Somehow he must return the wrath by tricking its AI software to believe he is in full control. When their troupe’s newest recruit, Thai, also falls to the wrath, they discover a whole new dimension to the phenomenon – it now thinks the Sumner and Thai are the same person. Returning this wrath won’t be so easy.
OK, so now you probably know how I feel about world-building jargon, especially in a query, so I'll just summarize here. Express this in a way that we the uninitiated into your world can identify with. For example, everyone who's had a hobby has probably experienced a piece of equipment that "has a mind of its own", maybe even a bad attitude. That's more than mere anthropomorphizing when you are talking about a system from which intelligence can emerge.
quote:
Tsunami Riders is a semi-hard science fiction story of around XXXX words. It explores themes of technology, art and freedom, and how they interact in an increasingly safety-conscious society. Punctuated with some of the coolest rides imagined, this story combines technological mystery with the classic sense of wonder.
"Semi-hard" is a bit of incomprehensible hair-splitting. "Punctuated... classic sense of wonder" borders on hard sell. I think you're making a good point here, which is that your story counterpoints a hi-tech mystery with the visceral excitement of extreme sports, but I for one don't know what a "classic sense of wonder" amounts to.
quote:
I am looking for representation for this and future novels. With degrees in physics and a PhD in materials science, I believe I can create plausible stories for the hard science fiction market. I am therefore seeking an agent, such as yourself, that understands and works within that market niche.
Simplify this. It kind of veers between unattractive sycophancy and unattractive chest thumping. It's always bad form to imply that you are an amazing gold mine the agent would be an idiot to pass over. Maybe something like this. "I have a Phd in physical sciences and write technologically plausible scicence fiction. I am seeking an agent who specializes in the hard science fiction market."
## RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
quote:
It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane. When rumors surface of an illegitimate niece hidden away, the council of Barons will do anything to find her and install her as their puppet queen. The Queen will do anything to kill her.
Not a bad opening sentence, but because our heroine has no name yet, it's a bit hard to decipher the entire paragraph because we don't have a handle for the character who is "hidden away", who is obviously the most important character in the book. So I think you need to refer to her by name right here.
quote:
And Dyln, a young prince of the Shorelands, will take human form and risk war between his homeland and the Middle Sea to fulfill the promise of a lost friend. With the Barons and the mad Queen on the hunt, Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen; in order to protect her he just has to be the first.
quote:
Pearl has been concealed by her mother as carefully as treasure hidden in an oyster.
In general I think this query is too long on recounting the plot of the story, and doesn't show enough why this is something fresh and interesting. If we are talking mermen, I'll have to say that is a cultural seam that is as yet unmined by Urban Fantasy, but it's going to be a tough sell to YA readers brought up on "The Little Mermaid". If it *is* a merman story, then I think you've got to be up front and brazen about it. Whatever it is about your story that is different, you ought to be brazen about it, because people like and detest different things. If you are reticient, then your manuscript will sound indistinct. Better to be distinct, and trigger somebody's dislike than to be indistinct and trigger nobody's liking.
## Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
quote:
Aging knight, Anlin, has dedicated his life to the Knights Valor, a holy sect sworn to fight the forces of evil. But when a ten-year old girl summons him to her aid, he begins to doubt his faith. For the magic of Knights Valor has a steep price, the life of the one who calls.
OK, so we have what seems to be a votive order of chivalry. Again, lead with the understandable dilemma: Anlin is an aging knight of a religious order who is losing his faith. What *specifically* about this makes Anlin a compelling character? Overall this paragraph is confusing. It seems to imply that one of Anlin's articles of faith is "Thou wilt never receive a summons from a ten year old girl."
This is the thing about votive orders of chivalry: you swear to undertake some task under certain conditions for a set period of time. So his vows might require him to champion the cause of any woman or girl who calls upon him. So far so good; we've got the mandatory part covered. We get that. But what is it about *this* call from *this* girl that prompts Anlin's crisis of faith? The impression we get from this query is that you've got an interesting story idea that you haven't fully worked out yet.
I think you need to make Anlin's dilemma vivid and memorable here. Generally, the query goes on to recount a lot of plot and world building details, but in my opinion these seldom make a story stand out on their own. My reaction to world building and plot details in these is MEGO (My Eyes Glaze Over).
quote:
Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
OK, this is a dilemma. You might even *lead* with this. But the query doesn't make the dilemma sound logical. Does he have to respond to the girl's summons because of his vow? You seem to be saying here that his vow requires him to kill the girl; in that case why does the girl summon him? I am assuming you've got this all worked out, but the challenge is to make the dilemma clear without overwhelming us with detail.
The needs of the many vs. the needs of the individual is a powerful dilemma, and if you think you have something to say about it, stand up and say it loudly and clearly, because that puts you head and shoulders above most writers when it comes to moral vision.
Meredith, MAGE STORM
Critique: I'd prefer to know Rell's full name - Composed, did you mean Comprised? - The ashes are creating storms? - I didn't like the word freak. Although we say freak storms it didn't fit here. - Did Rell get hit while out swimming? The storms are all over the world like our thunderstorms? If so, why is anyone left, and what does a mage storm consist of? - The word real before help isn't necessary - Trav, again full name.
My take: Sounds fun and like a rousing adventure.
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC
Critique: Great title. I hope it's a comedy. - Consider the word appear instead of look. - There's a "thin" overkill in the first few sentences. - consider switching the word know and yet.
My take: Comic fun. I'd prefer more info about the characters if possible. It seems plot heavy right now. Example. The only thing I know about Joe is that he's new.
MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE
Critique: I think it's ok to tell me Snowflake's name without the mockingly part. That's a waste of words in this short query. - "like a bloodhound" waste of words. I want facts, not what things are like. Hit me. - "What he uncovers..." vague. What does he uncover? Hit me. (see where I'm going with this?)
My take: Unfortunately this query painted a small world. I want to know more about it if possible.
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS
Critique: I'd say "a decision will eclipse" not "to eclipse" - "more death than he has seen in his lifetime" is vague. Me? I've seen little death. A Dr., more. Are we talking hundreds? Thousands? Be more specific. "A death toll in the millions." - I like the way you threw your qualifications in there. Not sure if this is a no-no or not, because the writing is all that matters, but I thought that was slick.
My take: Big world, big adventure, lots at stake, cool idea.
Genevive42, SANDFISHING
Critique: The middle initial confused me here. - Do you have to name the planet or can you say "her planet". - Scraping by collecting scrap felt like an echo. - Love the contest/game idea. - It seems like the Varoon are intelligent? If so, by likening them to piranha I was confused. I wondered simply why she didn't get eaten when she fell in the sand.
My take: The set up for a good novel is here. I already want to know more.
Snapper, POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING
Critique: If you are bold enough to submit a pokemon novel, I'm going to assume you're sending to the right person, so the first bit regaling pokemon's popularity can go. - Your book follows the movie, but only after changing events? I was confused. - Not sure you should mention book two and three? I personally can't get a firm answer on whether to mention that or not.
My take: I'm going to step out of character a moment and just say I wish you luck on this. For real... I'd love it if you sold it. (Sorry this wasn't helpful.)
Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE
Critique: The words wreaking havoc seemed tacked on in that sentence. Any way to blend them in? - I like the short character descriptions of who will be in the story. - rid her of the power she wants out of her life implies there's power in her life, but if she can't remember then then it's just information, right? - Facing a tough choice is good, but that sounded like the climax of the book. Not sure where it would go after that.
My take: Well written. Covers the basis. Might give away the ending. (not the choice, but where the book leads)
MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
Critique: His name reminds me of Ace Ventura. (Einhorn). - The first paragraph is confusing. - He thought he knew what his life would be, may sound better active - Enniorhon's life as a surgeon and father was all he had hoped it would be until... - how does one stumble into politics? - Lose the words "in a world". - more dangerous places than a battlefield is a good sentence.
My take: The right stuff is here, but the words are in the wrong order.
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Critique: The DJ part clashes right away with the rejection part. I'd go with removing the DJ stuff. - after a prophecy / over the phone. Perhaps say something like after receiving a prophecy regarding... The phone part isn't necessary is what I'm getting at. - Dissipate? Did you mean Despite? As in, in spite of?
My take: The human world and Fey world didn't work for me in this query. I think you should lean toward one or the other more and focus on her current struggles.
MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT
Critique: Echoing the word Frankenstein didn't work. See if you can say it just once. - Hector was very confusing to me. Is he a monster, is he huge? He becomes friends with Max. I am lost. - Remove the word somehow. He's likable. - "the school Hector attends" might sound better if he ends up "under the tutelage of Dr. Chin. Since you've set him up as a mad scientist, this makes me want to know what happens next instead of the more boring fact stating he's in the same school as Hector. - Chicks / romance. Good.
My take: This was the thickest query ever. I don't mean that in a bad way. You covered a lot of ground and really set the story up nicely. (despite my confusion).
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
Critique: Change the title, it's way overused. - I think there's too many adjectives for a query. It felt too descriptive. - Pan... not sure about that name either. It's totally Peter Pan and I know it.
My take: Love the idea. Sounds dark and interesting.
Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS
Critique: You believe? Is that OK to say? - Your troupe. HIS troupe. Your work. HIS work. Or "Job" maybe? - the wrath seems like it should not be there. Why was this programmed in? - I'm not sure mentioning your degrees is good for a query. Maybe others can echo or disagree, but intelligence doesn't mean creativity.
My take: I am curious to see a few chapters. I would totally request them to see if you could write. After that I'd judge if I was swept up in the story.
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
Critique: I can't find much wrong with this one. - I guess I didn't understand why if Dyln knows the queen is coming he would try to keep things under control then realize the queen has devious plans. Seems he would know that all along.
My take: This is missing something. I don't know what. I think it needs more pizazz.
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
Critique: Send this in. - Can I suggest changing the order of the first sentence to make the faith doubting come after explaining why? - I think the sentence starting with taking the coins could be reworded. It was a confusing sentence upon first read.
My take: I hope others found stuff to critique, because I couldn't. I got swept up in the story and this was only a query.
[This message has been edited by axeminister (edited December 30, 2010).]
Patience please.
Everyone else's critiques are in.
Not the latest query, but the one before that, posted on the 31st.
It's a query that broke all the rules and worked, perhaps particularly suited to the kinds of stories you two have written/are writing.
Just something to think about.
Meredith thanks for the link.
I still don't get how you show something in a few words like this. Of course I have enough troubles understanding Show in stories and novels much less a very short query synopses. But I read the query and comments on it.
Thanks for that link. Very interesting. It reminds me of the flash I did a while back.
Do you think it might be a good idea to just start a new thread with the new/revised queries? Originally we were going to revise in the original post but they are scattered about over the first two pages.
What do you think of a new, clean thread to revise into?
Axe
quote:
Hmm I thought the revised queries were due by the 7th not on the 7th. Must have misread something. Good thing I haven't quite finished my new one.
Yes, by the 7th. If anyone is just panting to put their revised query up, I'll create a topic for it. I thought most of us would prefer to wait for those last critiques anyway--just in case we want to make one final tweak.
Besides, waiting until the fifth or sixth to open the topic should help to keep the top spots just for the revised queries, before anybody starts voting.
Here goes.
Meredith
Mage Storm
I know that you've been writing many a query letter and it shows. This is solid and conveys the story well. The hooks are nicely placed. The only thing I don't get, and it may not be imperative to a query, is a sense of the MC's personality. If he's unique or quirky in any way, it doesn't show. But as I said, that may not be necessary.
This is the only sentence I got hung up on:
quote:
After witnessing Trav goad a student into trying to contain his magic until it explodes, taking the student with it, Rell is next on Trav’s list.
This sounds like a good concept.
***
Shimiqua
Funny Tragic, Crazy Manic
I might as well look at the revised one so I don't mention things you've already changed.
The first sentence turns me off a little, purely on subject matter. I'm tired of either thin people wanting to be thinner, or heavy people feeling like they need to be thin to be validated. It's a personal gripe, but I wanted to let you know the reaction it got from me. Also, you have the word 'only' in both of the first two sentences.
In the second paragraph, you mention who she is up against, but I don't know why she is up against them. The only problem mentioned so far is a need for money. I don't know how a witch, a seventeen year old boy and an evil healer are going to stop her from that goal.
The third paragraph is where you really get to the meat of things and I think you should place it second. The only thing that catches me in this paragraph is the last line. The 'or less tragically'. I know you're being wry about the fact that she considers heartbreak a bigger problem than treason, but on initial reading, the word 'less' deflated the tension you had set up.
You have worked some of the sense of humor into this query and I like that. But I also know your work and I would like to see more of the humorous aspect played up. From the title and your previous stories, I'm figuring this to be pretty funny. But an agent that hasn't read your short stories may not get that as strongly as they could.
This is a book I would want to read.
***
Martin V
New Kind of Warfare
First line – I think you can cut, 'and slowly falling apart'. 'Crumbling' covers that.
The term Beast Folk and then the mention of most of them being 'harmless' don't fit well for me. The term 'Beast' has connotations of big, mean things. Also, the choice to capitalize Beast Folk, but not beastlies feels a bit odd.
Then you have the paragraph where you describe the dichotomies in Snowflake's behavior and the MC 'smells' a mystery. I'm not seeing what leads him to believe there's a mystery. It feels out of the blue. So there's one beastlie that doesn't fit the norm. I don't see how that propels the story. Maybe you need to give a little more hint as to what role the Beast Folk play. And since you started with the crumbling empire, does this story have anything to do with resolving that? I also don't know if you benefit from telling us that the MC has come to admire Snowflake. It doesn't seem to add much.
I like this concept and it definitely seems like something I would read.
***
Osiris
Symbiosis
Also looking at the revised one.
Right off, and throughout, a lot of long sentences are making this a hard one to comprehend. There are a lot of concepts packed in here and I had to read this over for clarity.
In the first paragraph I think you can drop the specifics about who had died because of his decision in the war. Leave it at 'he had to make a lot of hard decisions being a doctor in the Korean War', (in cleaner terms, of course). The rest just convolutes things.
In the second paragraph, break up the second sentence into two or three and make it punchier.
The third paragraph starts light but then gets to the serious stuff about the future of humanity and symbiont war. Start with the serious and make sure it's clear. The fact that he could forget it all is a hook because it leaves him a choice. However, in the next bit, the idea that he has a choice seems to be moot and I wonder why the aliens would bother to give him a choice if they have that much control. So you might need a little clarity on why there is any chance that he's not completely alien controlled, because that defuses the idea behind the story for me. You start by saying that he has always had to make hard choices and then you take that away. I'm left wondering what this story can be about then.
This seems like it could be interesting but I want a little more clarity on how much choice he really has.
***
Snapper
Pokemon Vengeance: The Calling
I have read that some agents don't want to see your credits up front, they want story, so the first sentence might be a turn-off to some. It does sound a little presumptuous. But the set-up of the market comes off okay for your particular take.
This line stopped me:
quote:It took me a moment to realize you meant, 'he isn't revived'. I'd recommend clarifying.
My novel follows a different path where he isn’t.
The sentence that starts 'Four are taken,' could be broken into two sentences.
The next paragraph that tells of the story is good.
But then you have another paragraph talking about the book and its market. If anything, I think that idea is overplayed a little in this query. There's a bit too much of 'sell the marketing concept' and not enough, 'how this story is gripping'. Maybe that would work for this kind of pitch, but as someone who barely knows the franchise, I'm not hooked.
***
Owasm
The Reluctant Mage
'Once' occurs twice in the first sentence.
My first question is why would he transfer his power into someone who couldn't use it? And my other question, is why can't women remember the spells? That line comes very close to insinuating that women of that world are too stupid to remember spells, though I'm sure that's not what you meant. Is there a magical reason? Do the men specifically design the spells with that goal? Is there something in the ability to have a child that blocks the magic, like it's dangerous to cast while pregnant? Please clarify this just enough to not raise feminine hackles.
When you mention, 'to rid Norise of the power she so desperately wants out of her life,' I think you miss a chance for drama. This makes the power sound like it has the importance of a bully at school, not that she needs to get rid of it before the people pursuing her kill her.
You also mention all of the people that are coming along with her, but I don't get any sense of how truly important they are or what flavor they add to the story. I also want to know a little more about what leads up to her final, dreadful decision.
I feel like I don't know enough about their challenges to be hooked - yet.
***
Axeminister
The Sunday Killer
The first line seems solid, but it doesn’t do anything to differentiate it from any serial killer story or tv cop show. I'd like to see what makes this story unique.
The second line confused me and I had to read it a few times to get its meaning. So his friend's ghost falls silent, right? At this point, I don't see how this fits into things; not even after reading the whole query. I have a sense of what you were going for but it wasn't clear.
It takes until the third paragraph to get to the person who seems to be the main character. This was a little confusing because I thought the first guy you mentioned was the MC. However, from here on out, I think this query is solid and it makes me want to read the book.
***
Martin V
The Purest Sword
I know they had surgeons way back when, but the word put my mind in the future and then the barbarians threw me back. Just wanted to let you know my initial reaction. His name was also a challenge right off.
I guess that overall, I don't come away from this query feeling like I know what the story is about. Other than 'warrior-guy being politically naïve', I don't know what his goal is or what is keeping him from it. I've been told that the political arena is dangerous, but I don't know why he's even in it.
I can't say there's much here to grab my attention.
***
LDWriter 2
Bright Lights and Chaos
The first sentence belongs at the end. The second sentence doesn't give any specific information, I would recommend dropping it.
I think the information in the first full paragraph can be condensed. We don't need her whole history.
Then you talk about the 'prophecy of Bright Lights and Chaos', but I have no idea what that is, and it doesn't get explained. After that, you start telling me what's in the story, rather than what it's about. It's sort of like trying to describe the taste of a chocolate chip cookie by telling someone the ingredients.
And at the end of this, I'm not clear on why the big baddie is doing what he's doing, or why she's the only one who can stop him.
I would recommend being more specific about what's happening in the story.
***
MattLeo
The Wonderful Instrument
First line hooks – good.
The first half of the second paragraph had me intrigued. Though I did wonder how a liberal arts Frankenstein got created without all of the science stuff. Or how did he 'create' Hector? Do you mean it literally or sociologically? The second half of this paragraph started to lose me.
Then I'm not sure how the friendship, the restoring of confidence and the seduction play into thing. But at this point in the query, I don't know what the plot is so I can't gauge relevance.
The last paragraph with enemies coming from Europe and corrupting influences seems to come out of nowhere and I am completely lost. I just don't know what this story is about.
***
Tiergan
The Lost Boys
The first paragraph feels a little clunky. The transition from good magic to bad could be stronger, more distinct. I think the last sentence is just too long. Break it up for clarity and I think you'll be set.
Other than that, I think this is solid. You set a really good atmosphere and easily tell enough story to get the idea. And it's fair enough to assume that we all recognize the Peter Pan tie-in, but even if we didn't, your idea is still easily understood. Well done.
This is a cool concept and I would read this book.
***
Brendan
Tsunami Riders
Good opening without overselling.
When you say 'seriously big', give a height. I have the advantage of having read the short story you wrote of this and I know that you mean far beyond any Earthly concept of 'big wave', so you have to get the agent's mind on the same immense scale.
This line, since it is the crux and uniqueness of the story, needs to be stronger:
quote:It might be better as two sentences. You also need to clarify whether Harbor is a city, a planet, an island, whatever.
And when your work is making all-feeling “experiences” for the movies, then Harbor, with its made-to-order tsunamis, is a gold mine.
The first sentence where you start to explain the wrath is a little confusing, especially at the end. The rest of the explanation seems pretty good.
The one thing you don't mention, is why it's important to return the wrath. What are the consequences if he fails? What is at stake here?
This is a great concept and I would be happy to read this book.
***
Roxy L
Mother of Pearl
The first paragraph is good. Consider for the last line, 'The queen wants to kill her.' Just a thought, for impact.
I think the rest of the query sounds good. My only concern is that it reminds me very much of the Leviathan series by Scott Westerfeld, right down to a main character named Dylan and a hidden prince that may be heir to the throne traveling around secretly. Your story seems to focus more on the cat and mouse chase and Westerfeld's is set against a steampunk backdrop of WWI, but it so similar. Of course, that could be an advantage to be able to say this kind of story is working well in the market already.
As far as your query, it's good. My only problem with the concept is that I feel like I've read it before.
***
Tiergan
Knight's Valor
In the first line, 'forces of evil' is a bit vague and common, maybe punch it up a little. In the second line, I don't know what about the little girl's summons makes him doubt his faith. That's important.
In the second paragraph I don't understand the bit about the coin purses. Is he using the money to drink himself into oblivion every night, or is there something magical involved here?
After that, the query is great. These are the lines that really grabbed me:
quote:
The Five possess ungodly strength and speed, but their true power lies in their numbers…to kill one, you must kill all.Demons and dragon collide as Anlin challenges a god, but inside he wages a far darker war: Save the world and kill the girl, or turn his back on the Knights Valor, and spare her, as the world swirls into chaos around him.
[This message has been edited by genevive42 (edited January 02, 2011).]
First, let me say thank you to everyone who has commented and put their stuff out there to be commented on. I have learned so much from this process it has been invaluable.
With the holidays and those of us who are running a shade late, what do you think of giving an extra few days or a week before the rewrites are due. I've gotten some great advice, as I believe we all have, and I would really like to put a good effort into my revised version.
Are you open to this?
Happy New Year Everyone!!!
quote:
With the holidays and those of us who are running a shade late, what do you think of giving an extra few days or a week before the rewrites are due. I've gotten some great advice, as I believe we all have, and I would really like to put a good effort into my revised version.
Well, if no one objects, it's okay with me. The 7th is a Friday. What do you say to the 10th, to give everyone the weekend to work on it? Or does anyone want more time than that?
The Tenth will be fine with me. I can wait that long
even though mine will probably still need help.
I'll wait until you have the new thread up, which I think is a good idea.
(But this seems to be a necessary step.)I have very little experience with queries, the two I did years ago didn't work. Of course one of those I only sent out twice. But the first one I spent quite a bit of time on, probably redid it more times than the first version of this query. So I can't say what does or doesn't work.
But I found that with writing, at least, what works for other people does not work for me, usually. I don't mind trying what works for others or in this case waiting to see if it does, because I think some day I will have a similar experience as someone(s) else.
Meredith, MAGE STORM
Mage storm infects Rell, sneezes fire.
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MANIC
A magic feud for Grandmothers and the boy next door.
MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE
Catfight for gladiators
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS
Alien symbiots want cooperative hosts
Genevive42, SANDFISHING
When government manages pest exterminations
Snapper, POKEMON VENGEANCE: THE CALLING
What if Ketchum wasn't revived?
Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE
Quest to release unwanted magic (edited - I didn't like the first attempt)
Axeminister - THE SUNDAY KILLER
Psychoanalyzing the mind of a detective-killer
MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
From doctor to warrior to hero to political pawn
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Fey prophecy begins career as hero
MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT
Jungian superhero and a Casanova in love triangle
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
A witch-hunt ever so framed
Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS
Planet-hopping surfers face the wrath
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
Mad hunt for sea-throne heir
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
Knight's journey to free a girl's parents
[This message has been edited by Brendan (edited January 04, 2011).]
quote:
Meredith, MAGE STORM
Mage storm infects Rell, sneezes fire.
Not quite accurate, but funny!
quote:
Alien symbiots want cooperative hosts
Not too far off from the mark.
First let me thank Brendan for posting this template, made my job easier. Second Meredith deserves credit for a challenge that received a big response. Finally MartinV deserves my appreciation for the link in Open Discussions About Writing
http://www.jmtohline.com/2010/12/biggest-mistakes-writers-make-when.html
My query submission would have looked a lot different if I read it first. Of course my idea is a lot different than everyone else’s, but many of my assumptions were clearly wrong. Such as propping up my credits and mentioning sequels – big mistakes in the link mentioned above. I will say based on some of the critiques I received that I would have done my research on the correct agents to pitch this idea to, and I assumed everyone would have exercised a suspension of personal taste (i.e. you were the agent I was after) for this challenge.
I am going to pretend I know a lot more about book marketing and publishing than I do for my critiques. I am using JM Tohline’s essay and basing most of my opinions on this comment from a literary agent.
quote:
Because agents get so many queries and can only read a few projects out of the hundreds we are forced to choose between every week, it's important that your story distinguish itself from other offerings in the market.
…and using these comment as my criteria on what makes a story distinguishable from the rest…
quote:
….an author needs to grab them with a concise, punchy, hard-boiled query.
quote:
Don't blend in with everyone else; stand out from the pack!
quote:
Any good writer knows the importance of "showing" rather than "telling" in their writing, but how about extending that to a query letter?
Forgive me if I step on your toes.
Meredith, MAGE STORM
Critique:
quote:
Rell lives in a world where magic is dead. All that’s left after the Great Mage War are the dangerous mage storms, composed of the ashes of the dead mages.
quote:
Or so everyone believes until a freak mage storm infects Rell with magic he can’t control. After nearly burning the barn down in a moment of anger, Rell leaves home to seek help before he accidentally hurts someone. He soon learns that magic isn’t as dead as people think and real help isn’t as easy to find as Rell hoped.
Rell is caught in one of the storms where he struck with a power he cannot control. He soon discovers magic isn’t dead as he and others believed after he nearly burns down a barn in a moment of anger. He leaves home in search of help but soon learns finding isn’t as easy as he hoped.
Editors Take: The plot, naïve lad who discovers he is much more than an ordinary nobody, is one I have seen before (Star Wars is one that came to mind). I found the brief synopsis concise but the writer’s skill is not standing out. The story does not seem original enough and the author has not made a convincing case for its marketability. I would be hard pressed to want to read the attachment based on this example.
Shimiqua, FUNNY TRAGIC, CRAZY MAGIC
Critique:
quote:
Before, Larissa Alvarez only cared about magic because it could make her look thinner. Then her parents died and left her with only a few runes to make her hair shiny and her waist smaller, and being thin doesn't help you pay bills.
But a late electricity bill is nothing when you are up against a healer who tortures those who receive his healing, a witch in a cheerleader’s body who was sent to spy on her, and scariest of all… a seventeen year old boy with the ability to walk through walls.
These first two paragraphs are great. Gives me a great idea on what the protagonist is like, a good idea what to expect with the tone of the piece, and reasonable expectation of what the plot is about. You are winning me over at this point.
quote:
If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?), then she’s got to try to steal back her mother’s notebook from the strongest witches in the world, the Grandmothers. The only way she can do that is to enlist the help of the new kid, Joe Penrod. But she doesn’t know yet that they are on opposite sides of the war that killed her family, and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason.
Then you kind of blew it here. This paragraph gets too cute, things like… If she’s going to make sense of all of this… okay, maybe not all of it,(who really understands seventeen year old boys?). and… then she’s got to try to has me concerned if I’ll be seeing passive, amateurish passages like this throughout the novel. And last… and by falling in love with him, she's heading toward heartbreak. Or, less tragically, treason is reading corny and makes me believe I had it wrong what the author was after with the first two paragraphs.
I think the cuteness of the last paragraph is misplaced for a query. It fails on the [I[concise[/I] requirement for queries. Rewrite that paragraph and keep it in line with what you wrote with the first two and I think you’ll have a good shot at getting the agent curious.
Editors Take: This idea points to where the trends are leading to in today’s market. It has that ‘Charmed’ feeling to it, 90210 with a touch of magic. I’m tempted to open the attachment. If the author’s story is as fun and funny as this query hints, I may be able to work with it.
MartinV, NEW KIND OF WARFARE
Critique: This query is concise, punchy, and hard-boiled. The author’s ability to make his brief synopsis sound full of action with characters that are interesting gives me hope that he may have something here. I suggest a few changes in your wording…
Consider cutting, Before he can figure out what is going on,
the more he cannot help himself to admire him.
I’d change ‘himself’ to ‘but’.
yet unlike every other ‘kitty’ he does not speak.
Consider cutting ‘he’ and inserting a comma in its place.
Owyn smells a mystery and like a bloodhound he cannot let it go until he has figured out the truth.
‘like a blood hound’ made me think Owyn was part Beast Folk for a moment, you might want to change that. Consider changing ‘he has figured out the truth’ to ‘he has found the truth’. ‘figured out’ sounds off.
Maybe I’m wrong but this query felt if it was missing a few commas.
Editors Take: Promising but I’m unsure if it’s enough. The term ‘Beast Folk’ gives me pause, it sounds too much like a knock off idea, whether that is accurate or not. I’m envisioning a cool book cover (which is a plus) but I’m just not sure if this idea will stand out enough to give it a chance. I’m going to think about it as I read through this big pile. If it still sticks with me I just might give your attachment a try.
Osiris, SYMBIOSIS
Critique: he’d decided who would live or die from among the war wounded
Consider changing ‘from the war wounded’ to ‘on the battlefield’.
a decision to eclipse all those before is thrust upon him.
Not a fan of this line. I had to read it twice. It felt like false excitement, as if a ‘Duh, duh, DUH!’ sound effect would be placed here.
The rewrite is heads and tails better than your first try. I would consider cutting back that first paragraph, it seemed like unnecessary info for a query.
Editors Take: Not sure if would pursue further than this letter. The author is trying to sell it too hard. I am having a hard time determining if this is man vs secret alien body-snatcher epic or a buddy story involving a guy and his intelligent tapeworm.
Genevive42, SANDFISHING
Critique: Kaya wants to get off-planet to start a new life somewhere they've never heard of Orkers
Change ‘somewhere’ to where.
and any money her family had long gone
had is long gone (you could instead cut this half of the sentence)
Then MightyCorp buys up all of the independent recycling centers and prices plummet.
You could cut this and the paragraph before this. The story is about sandfishing so the first paragraph is just backstory. IMO, it’s not needed for this query.
Editors Take: Not sure if there is enough here to pique my interest. The author hinted at a larger story but left no clue on what it may be. As it is, a trapping contest, even if it involves alien vermin, leaves me doubting whether a 90,000 word story will be compelling enough to attract readers.
Owasm, THE RELUCTANT MAGE
Critique: The major problem for me on this is clarity. Are wizards different from mages? The wording of the piece alludes that woman are not bright enough to perform magic. Whether that is your intention or not, it makes the premise sound sexist to me. Not very marketable in today’s environment.
Editors Take: Or may or may not have something interesting here. The way you worded your synopsis leaves me concerned. I suggest a rewrite. As it is, it is not drawing me in.
Axeminister: SUNDAY KILLER
Critique: Robert Argyle's long-dead childhood friend, after a lifetime of assistance and companionship, suddenly falls silent.
This threw me for a loop. A long-dead friend has been his assistant and companion? Is he a ghost? If so you better say so. If not you better fix it. The last sentence of your synopsis is missing a question mark.
Editors Take: I’m passing because I have no idea what Argyle’s dead friend is. Is this a ghost story, a man with multiple personality’s, or flashback? The fact I don’t know leaves me wondering if I’ll run into similar problems reading the novel. Clarify and send back.
MartinV, THE PUREST SWORD
Critique: The period of the first sentence should be a comma.
A career of a surgeon
This sounds like a medieval setting. Perhaps ‘healer’ would be better.
protecting people from the sea marauders
protecting his people?
Editors Take: Let me get this straight. Enniorhon switches professions for…what? Revenge? Career opportunities? Even in the iron age, a doctor would be more valuable than a mercenary. Killers are common, healers are rare. I might, just might, peek at your attachment. More out of curiosity of your premise than anything else. I am doubting the marketability of your piece but who knows? Maybe the trends of historical fiction will swing this way.
LDWriter2, BRIGHT LIGHTS AND CHAOS
Critique: , begins a romance with a human, finds new friends
Change this to …‘romance, friends’…
Editors Take: It is your dumb luck to find the one agent who isn’t sure what a ‘Fey’ is. Assuming that I do, your pitch isn’t exciting me BUT it is clear and I have a solid idea what your novel is about. For that reason I will open your attachment, but if your writing is anything like your pitch, I’m going to send you a ‘thanks but no’ email really quick. So I guess you did your job.
MattLeo, THE WONDERFUL INSTRUMENT
Critique: The query is clean but bland. The pitch sounds like a Frankenstein meets 90210 comparison. Much was made about Maximilian when he sounds like the least interesting of the bunch.
Editors Take: The story sounds more like a romance with a sci-fi angle. The sci-fi doesn’t sound appealing enough to snag readers of that genre but its prominent enough to turn away romance lovers. There isn’t enough conflict to entice me. Sorry, I’m passing.
Tiergan, THE LOST BOYS
Critique: at his grand parents’ house, and saw Chrissie
Cut that comma
Throw in the twin ponds with the waterfall switching between them as the tide poured in and pulled out
clunky
Throw in twin ponds with a waterfall that switches as the tide pours in and out
witch’s clutches hard
is harder…
A lot of stuff needs improvement. I may quit halfway through this pitch because of it.
Editors Take: I don’t know. Sounds too familiar. I can sense some excitement but I would likely pass because there lacks originality and because I have fifty more pitches to get through.
Brendan, TSUNAMI RIDERS
Critique: The opening of your pitch sounds cocky. Even if I am looking for that future ‘surfer saves the world’ piece, I might not want to admit it to you after that first paragraph.
The ‘wrath’ boggles me. It’s a computer virus infecting his protective suit? Why not get a new one? Hopefully the suit has a warranty.
Editor’s Take: Maybe if this author sold other plausible-futuristic fiction to prove he can write semi-hard science fiction material (and reference where I can find said works), I might be willing to open his attachment, if I liked his other stuff that is. For a first time publication, I am doubting the marketability, and plausibility, of this story.
RoxyL, MOTHER OF PEARL
Critique: It’s a secret everyone in Middle Sea knows: the Queen is entirely insane.
I would cut ‘entirely’ from the sentence but more importantly could you give an example or two of her insanity? It may require another sentence but I believe it could help your pitch. A very good reason to ‘show’ rather than ‘tell’.
Dyln knows he will not be the only one who finds the future queen
Did you mean ‘looking for the future queen’?
he just has to be the first
perhaps, ‘he has to be the first to find her’.
yet she dreams nightly, not of dunes and sand, but of endless waves and a royal father she has never known.
I’d cut, ‘not of dunes and sand, but…’
Consider rearranging the information in your pitch. I would start by introducing Pearl. Describing how she dreams of endless waves and of a royal father when she has lived a life as a peasant. Then tell of the other players and the conspiracies of trying to get her.
Editors Take: I like this idea. I think the title is clever too. Not sure if it excites me enough to cut a contract but I would likely peek at your attachment.
Tiergan, KNIGHTS VALOR
Critique: I have nothing to add
Editors Take: I will do the best I can with this but it won’t be easy because I have already read an earlier draft of this novel. Pretending I haven’t read it, I’m finding it intriguing and worth looking.
Here are two quotes from Ms. Tohline’s essay that speaks volumes…
quote:
Here are Daniel Lazar's thoughts on querying: I think the best query letters are specific and evocative – not loaded down with too much boring detail, but just enough detail (little touches of description or turns of phrase) that show the letter is crafted by a real writer.
This one says it all.
quote:
An agent's first peek at the quality of the writing comes from the query letter... A query letter should be a tease – a taste for more to come.
[This message has been edited by snapper (edited January 09, 2011).]
I appreciate your comments.
[This message has been edited by Meredith (edited January 09, 2011).]
[This message has been edited by MartinV (edited January 09, 2011).]
Many of the comments on my query had to do with it being too vague. Since I'm only on Chapter 6, that's cetainly a valid point. I want to thank everyone for their comments. They will be very helpful when I finish this thing.
And Meredith, thank you very much for running this challenge. It has been a great learning experience. You have done us all a significant service. Well done.
3 main questions of a query
1. What does your MC / protagonist want?
2. What do they have to do to get it? Think what stands in their way.
3. What happens if they fail? The consequences.
Should we extend it again?
Do those who didn't get a revision done just want to copy their original query over for voting and leave it at that?
There was never a requirement to revise, only an opportunity to do so.
If you extended the date I still don't know if I would make it or not. I would try, but I couldn't promise. I will go with whatever the group wants.
If we decide not to vote, maybe we can use the new thread as a 2nd workshop and just talk amongst ourselves about our revisions. Opinions more than new crits...
up 2 u
Axe
It very well may be more valuable in the long run. And it's for sure that queries aren't going to be perfected in two passes.
I just sent a partial to my first choice agent. Second query I sent out.
Same luck to all the rest of you.
Although I have no novel to pitch, I do have a novella-sized story that has been proven difficult to get someone to look at. A new semi-pro listed magazine has a call for serials but ask you send a query first. Thanks to what I learned here, I wrote a concise pitch and got a response and request to send the entire manuscript immediately. Not a sale but at least I know my sci-fi/thriller/humor story will get read and considered.
So, if reading requests were the goal for this challenge, you can consider this exercise a success!
Here's to hoping we get a lot more of the same from this challenge/workshop.
The better we are at writing queries, the more likely the foot we put forward will be our best one.
Axe