posted
If you have already wrote your letter to Santa for next Christmas, then you don't want to read this thread...go away. Don't read any further.
Are they gone? Okay. As a parent, I am faced with a constant barrage of questions about life, the universe and everything. They all generate from my crafty and creative 4 year old daughter. They are usually wonderful conversation starters...why is the sky blue, are there monsters, why don't dogs talk, etc. etc. They are great, even the tough questions (as noted in another thread on gender identity, my daughter is not only fascinated by the male genitalia, she is jealous she doesn't have one and hopes to grow one later...oy vey).
But the age-old standard is Santa and his distant relative the Easter Bunny. Here is the conundrum and any ideas, advice, etc. on where to go with it would be appreciated.
We are a religious family (in that we practice religion) and are a spiritual family but our religion doesn't include daily devotionals to a God or a Savior etc. We enjoy the pagan/Christian holidays for their intrinsic social values (X-Mas as a time of sharing and joy, Easter for spring and redemtpion) along with teaching her about other holidays from other cultures and religions.
As an example, she loves the story of the baby Jesus and we loved telling it around Christmas, even though we don't "worship" Jesus (only really dig all the cool, smart and generous things he had to say). Easter we just avoid the religious context altogether because really, where do eggs, bunnies and candy related to the whipping, beating and hanging of Jesus?
I digress. We have never said there is a mythical Santa Claus. We say there is a story about Santa and tell some of those stories (she loves stories in any form about anything) yet when she asks us directly "Is Santa real?" we don't say yes or no, we just turn it back to her and ask "What do you think?" She often answers with a huge, involved story and we pat ourselves on the back for dodging the question.
Our point? We don't want to ever lie to our child, even if it is innocent and joyful. We won't take it from her, either, as make believe is the most powerful memories and honestly the best part of growing up.
But she is a clever little cuss and has pressed it more and more lately. We had a breakfast with an Easter bunny a week ago and she at first was into it, until she told us "I saw a person behind the eyes so that isn't a real bunny" but when we turned it back to her she made up a great story about there being a lot of helpers to keep the Bunny in business since he had to get ready for Easter. That was fine. We don't admit or deny, just go with the flow and let her enjoy it for what it is.
How have other parents handled this? I still remember how traumatic it was for me when I really figured out that there was no Santa. I really lost something and actually did feel betrayed a bit by my parents...how dare they, I thought, but honestly I got over it. They were elaborate with it, though, taking the letter, giving it to the postman, etc. Very cool but they always would answer "yes" to my question of "is he real?"
I don't really overthink it. Honest, with recent discovery of the penis, I have plenty more to worry about, but I am curious how other parents have worked through this ealiest of all rights of passage for children.
posted
fil- When faced with the question, I told my son that Santa was a representation of the Spirit of Christmas. I didn't want to lie to him because I need him to trust what I say, and if he can't trust me on something as silly/important as Santa, how can he trust me to give him accurate answers on the bigger questions? I don't want him to ever feel like the playground is more honest with him than his Mom is.
This is what I told him: It began with a belief that in this season we celebrate Jesus' birthday by giving gifts to those we love. But the Spirit of Christmas is more than this; it's a feeling that everyone should be part of the celebration. Everyone should receive a gift. Noone should be left out. That's why the orginal Saint Nick gave gifts and we carry on the tradition. Santa Claus isn't real, but the Spirit of giving that he embodies is.
I told him that now that he knew the secret, he was responsible for being part of the Spirit of Christmas and keeping his eyes open for people who needed a visit from "Santa".
My son doesn't believe that a man in a red suit visits our house on Christmas, but he still loves Santa.
posted
When I was a kid, my mom did the same thing to me that you're doing to your daughter. When I asked whether there was a Santa or not, she asked me what I thought about it. (My dad lied like a rug, but I expected it of him. ) And eventually I decided I wasn't willing to think up excuses for Santa anymore. I asked her for real if he existed and she said no and told me about St. Nicholas. I was a little upset for a short time, but I got over it. There's always that tiny bit of melancholy, but instead of it being about my parents lying to me, it was about my lost childhood, something that would have happened anyway.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
quote:Man, she's gonna freak out when she finds out Santa has a penis.
Wow, good point. So far she has been good about keeping topics she knows to be uncomfortable in the family, but golly it could be an interesting X-Mas next year.
quote:That's why the orginal Saint Nick gave gifts and we carry on the tradition. Santa Claus isn't real, but the Spirit of giving that he embodies is.
This is the bent we are taking, too. We enjoy it and so far she is enjoying it. I particularly like the "secret" part because we are having to ask her to do this with the Easter Bunny stuff. Soon as she saw the person's face in the costume, she wanted to out her to the world! We had to ask that she not tell her younger friends about her discovery and to keep it a secret. It is a hoot, really. I think the melacholy that she will feel will be equally felt by us. We already are to an extent as little bits of these stories are drifting away already. Sheesh! Yet, at Disney she had no problem convincing me that Cinderella did, in fact, live in the Magic Kingdom castle and why oh why aren't we trying to move in as it is large and there is plenty of room.
posted
I've always told my daughter that things like fairies and Santa and God are as real as you allow them to be. It's a little mystical, I know, but it allows for many shades of belief other than the black and white usually presented.
For me, God is pretty real, Santa is real as the spirit of giving, and unicorns are real as the flicker of imagination that you can't quite see. I let my daughter also make her own distinctions.
Posts: 3141 | Registered: Apr 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
We have refrained from teaching our children about Santa, Easter Bunny, etc.. Our oldest son has picked up about it elsewhere (other kids, TV, etc.). When he asks about Santa, we tell him that that is a story that some people tell. We haven't told him that there is no Santa, but that's probably because he has never asked.
My parents were the same with me. I remember asking my dad if Santa is real. He asked me what I thought. I said that I didn't think he was real. He then said "you're pretty smart" and gave me a hug.
They did tell me about the tooth fairy, but couched it in terms like "Some people say that when you put your tooth under your pillow..." The first night that the tooth fairy came, I'm pretty sure that my parents deliberately woke me up while fetching the tooth. I pretended to be asleep, but I knew the truth, just as they wanted. I was still able to have a fantasy, but I knew that it was a fantasy.
Posts: 16551 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
My parents were always completely straight with me about Santa. They read me stories about him, and sang songs about him with me, but they made no bones of the fact that he didn't actually exist. In fact, I remember my father sitting me down and explaining that Santa was pretend, "like the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy, or God". He's mellowed in his atheism since then, and in fact doesn't quite believe that he would have ever said that to a 2 or 3 year old, but I remember it very distinctly; it made quite an impact on me.
With my own children, if I were to have them, I think I'd take an approach like LadyDove's. There is no way I'd be willing to perpetuate a belief in Santa as a being, but I wouldn't want to crush the whole thing as mercilessly as my parents did.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
My daughter, age 3.5, is much like the OP's little girl. Only our constant topic now is death. But DangerGirl loves Santa, and has for a couple of years now. I don't know where she got it, even, it wasn't me, but one day she started making birthday cakes for Santa, and presents for Santa, and on and on. It was August.
So we are doing much the same. I won't tell her Santa is real, but she loves reading stories about him. She figured out on her own that the Santas she sees around town are "pretend Santas." She likes to ask questions about the North Pole, and I tend to answer that some people think he lives there (after all, I used to live in Denmark, where everyone knows he lives in Greenland). She has yet to ask whether he is real, but I will most likely ask her what she thinks.
I just class Santa in with all the other fairy tales. We read a lot of stories and she loves fairy tales, and I think that within the next couple of years we'll be playing with something we both know isn't really real.
My own parents never tried to tell us that Santa was real, though we did get presents from him (conveniently for Mom, presents from Santa don't have to be wrapped). I was four when I got suspicious, and can't remember ever really believing.
Posts: 335 | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
We talk about the Saint Nicholas who was just a guy who lived a few hundred years ago. He cared about poor kids and did some charity. Then we talk about the example he gave us and the spirit of giving. Then we talk about how American commercialism turned it into a jolly red fat man who gives rich kids more toys than poor kids.
Posts: 3495 | Registered: Feb 2000
| IP: Logged |
Yes, there is a Santa Claus. He doesn't live in the North Pole. He lives in the hearts and imaginations of all 4 year old girls, and one or two 40 year old men.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
If she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to know the truth.
OTOH, I hate it when little miss smarty-pants gets to school and spoils it for all the other kids who haven't gotten around to asking yet. Put a muzzle on the child. Now is a good time to start teaching her tolerance for others' beliefs. Otherwise, she’ll be telling the kids at school that Jesus is just a legendary figure, credited with saying a few cool things.
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
When my son (now 11) asked if Santa was real, I countered by asking him if he really wanted to know. He always said No.
So we keep playing the game. He knows it's a game. I know he knows it's a game. So it works out fine and nobody gets hurt.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
They were elaborate with it, though, taking the letter, giving it to the postman, etc. Very cool but they always would answer "yes" to my question of "is he real?"
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
) And eventually I decided I wasn't willing to think up excuses for Santa anymore. I asked her for real if he existed and she said no and told me about St. Nicholas. I was a little upset for a short time, but I got over it. There's always that tiny bit of melancholy, but instead of it being about my parents lying to me, it was about my lost childhood, something that would have happened anyway.
![[Cry]](graemlins/cry.gif)
Santa isn't real? ![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
