posted
**** I have edited out the names of the primaries to protect their names. All other info is just as it was posted on a newsgroup I go to. Any ideas where this man can get some desperately needed help? He's a GREAT guy (frpom what I know of him via this medium) and he's been having problems with the Ex for quite some time. His Ex and the SF are both military officers in the Canadian military. He feels hesitant on starting a whole lot because of the fear they might try to get an out of country posting to avoid the issue.
*** Friends Story*** I had my daughter, /name removed\, during March break and found out some thing that is bothering me. This is very long, but I would appreciate it if anyone has any suggestions after hearing this.
As everyone knows, I'm always having a hard time with my Ex, where /Daughter\ is concerned. I call Daughter once or twice a week (she lives 1000 miles away, in another province, with her mom and step-father <SF> ). Every time I call, they call out, "Girls name, Dads name (note his NAME, not "Your dad" on the phone." I've asked them both to not call me by my name to my daughter, but they refuse to listen. They say they do it so as not to confuse their other children (BULL****!). Whenever I call, she goes to her room and we chat for about an hour. From time to time, I can hear the extension click on her end, and I know that "someone" is listening, so I make sure not to ask anything that will get her in trouble (such as if she has been in any trouble at home lately). She's been punished before for telling me that she thought their punishments were unfair.
All of a sudden, around the first of this year, she wasn't allowed to talk privately with me any more. She has to stay in the family room, within earshot of her mom or SF. I know they listen as I have heard them correct things she might say from time to time. This is very annoying, as there are many distractions for her, like the TV or her younger brother or sister, and she can't talk freely. It has drastically affected the quality of our conversations.
While she was here, she told me that Family Services was called in on her family because her teacher thought it was necessary. According to Daughter, her teacher told Family Services that Daughter told her that she had been beaten at home. The teacher said that this happened twice. Daughter says that she never said anything to her teacher, although she did tell me (NOT Family Services) that her SF has grabbed her by the arms and shaken her hard enough to leave bruises on both of her arms. He'll get in her face and just scream at the top of his lungs. He justifies it by calling it "venting". Also, her SF has two favorite forms of punishment. One is to destroy her favorite poster, doll or toy, and then he tells her to think about what she's done. The other is to make her do pushups (10 to 50, depending on the infraction), repeating after each one, "I must obey my Father". During the summer, he actually brings her outside to do them in the gravel driveway. All of this goes on with the full knowledge of her mother.
After Daughter went home, I called Family Services in Ontario. I was very careful not to give any names, as I KNOW Daughter would be in big trouble for telling me this information, what they call, "Family Secrets". I told Family Services everything Daughter wouldn't, and they agreed that it's excessive and borders on abuse, and that "something" should be done. When I asked what that "something" would be, they told me that she would most likely be removed from the home and placed in foster care, until an investigation could be conducted (anywhere from 2 to 6 months). Can you believe it?? They WOULD NOT release her to me. IF they find that there is, indeed, abuse, and IF I can PROVE that I can provide a stable home, I would "probably" get her. I know she loves her brother and sister very much, and to be placed in foster care would be too much for her. She's put up with so much already (MUCH more than I can go into here).
I asked what I had to do to find out the details of their initial "investigation" and they told me that I'd have to have her mother's PERMISSION to even see the file, once I proved who I am, and that I still have parental rights. I asked if there was any way around this process, and I was told that I "could" get a lawyer, and I "could" try to get the Family Court to grant me access to the file. The problem with this is that it's been tried before, without success, according the caseworker I was speaking to. Obviously, the big problem is that if I go through the proper channels and ask my Ex for this permission, she'll know that Daughter has been telling "Family Secrets" again, and she'll pay for it, no doubt. If I try the lawyer route, I have to get a lawyer in my province, AND a lawyer in her province, try to fight it and most likely loose, all of which I just don't have the money for.
Both of my Ex's parents and I have told Daughter, repeatedly, that we think that her parents are excessive, or just plain wrong. We try to let her know that we are here for her. I've told her that when she's a little older (another two or three years), and if I can find a stable job, I might be able to have the courts grant me custody and she can come live with me. She' s told me MANY times that this is what she wants.
I feel that my hands are tied. I can't find out what's in the file. Obviously my Ex and husband think that they're doing "something" wrong, or they would let Daughter talk to me in her room. If I say ANYTHING, I know I'll lose access to her. Mother knows my situation, and she knows that I can't hire a lawyer to fight her. As she lives in another province, the Family Court here won't do anything if Mother refuses me access to her. I was told, once again, "Get a lawyer." My ex-in-laws and I have wracked our brains, trying to figure something out that will help. All we can hold on to is that I might be able to do something once Daughter is older and I get a job.
Sorry this was so long, but I need help. Does ANYONE have any suggestions?? I'm at the end of my rope. My daughter is being abused and there's nothing I can do about it. If I just go get her, I'd be in jail before the day was out. If I leave her there, who knows what it's doing to her?
posted
He has apparently decided the status quo is better than foster care, since being with him is apparently not a possibility. The guy needs to put his daughter's safety ahead of his own desire to have her live with him.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Is this man in Canada? I have no knowledge of Canadian law.
If this family was in the US, I would recommend that this man contact Legal Aid. He also might want to consider getting the press involved.
Also, if this girl is in danger in her current home, then maybe foster care is a better solution for the time being.
Posts: 3037 | Registered: Jan 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Does this guy have visitation rights? If so, he needds to exercise them. He should plan trips once a month, minimum, to visit his child in person and alone.
If he doesn't, is there anything in his background or whatever that would've led the court to deny him that access?
Okay, so the family is strict, bordering on abusive.
The only way to know for sure is to see it first hand. He needs to talk like an adult to the adults. He wants to be able to talk to his daughter without the distractions and monitoring. They are her parents and in charge of who gets access to her, unless a court says otherwise. So that's the fight he needs to take on first.
Then he can try to tell whether this is all for real or if his daughter is blowing things out of proportion.
She's clearly not happy, and that's got to be tearing him up, and he's 1000 miles away.
But he can't let that cloud his judgement either. Of course he'll want to believe his daughter. But he needs to be sure before he rushes in and makes things worse.
I'd say that he should probably have a lawyer already. And that lawyer could explore various custody arrangements.
And, frankly, if he has any custodial rights at all, the other family can't just move without some sort of arrangements with him. Even if they are military and have to move for work, there are rules.
The girl may have to be shipped off to him periodically if there's no other way to do it.
But if the court gave his wife sole custody and he has no visitation rights at all, then he's got to fight that first.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Hey BookWyrm, you left the Daughter's name in at the end of the last paragraph. Thought you should know Posts: 1907 | Registered: Feb 2000
| IP: Logged |
A little more info that should come out regarding my situation. While talking to{{{Bookwyrm and Susie}}}tonight, a relevant point came up that you all should know. My Ex and her husband are both career officers in the military (which falls in line with what Thom said). She's a Major, in nursing. I don't know his rank, but he has something to do with supply. If I start making waves, they can easily request a transfer out of the country. Mother has done this before (to another province), right after we broke up. I thought it was a normal transfer. I found out recently from her father that she requested it and it went through in less than two months. I've been told (by no one official, unfortunately) that she could do it easily. I *do* have a Family Court order that says that she has to allow me visits during holidays and two weeks during the summer, as well as phone access. But I know that she would just say "Sure, she can visit him, but he has to pay for all travel costs", which I have to this point, with the help of my in-laws. I was also told that if I initiate a court action, they *can't* leave. This is one of the reasons I haven't said or done anything about the situation to date. Once I find a stable job, I can go to the courts and start a custody battle. Right now, the courts wouldn't give me custody, as I can't provide for her material needs. It was suggested that I sort of "threaten" to let the military know about the abuse, as they will likely look down on it and possibly hurt their careers, which is everything to them. I'm afraid if I let them know how much I really know, they'll hit the road to Germany or something. I would consider this once I get a job, if only to, hopefully, avoid a custody battle. It's a weapon I can use, but only at the right time.
posted
Legal Aid in Canada, (from what I understand) only provides help if you are being prosecuted. It does not cover such things as suing for Custody, support type things.
Posts: 986 | Registered: Jul 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Can you hold on to this question until tomorrow? I live with a woman who works for CAS and could run this past her tonight to see what she thinks.
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
