posted
I am beginning to stir myself to think about commencing to set in motion the first hesitant steps towards trying to syndicate my column. The hesitation is because it's an uphill battle whether I'm trying to attract national syndication or if I syndicate myself. Humor columnists just aren't that much in demand since local media tend to have their own writers. I'm gonna try anyway.
I need to pick 10 columns that represent my style. This is where I'm getting bogged down. Depending on my moods I love half of them or hate all of them. So, like many other Hatrackers before me, I'm dumping my homework on you. I read all of them over again and picked 20 I particularly like for one reason or another. Which 10 should I go with?
posted
I like two-columns -- although three can be okay.
----- Chris:
I'm not going to give you specific recommendations, but as a general rule, I would emphasize the 'daily life' ones -- in fact, include as many of those as possible.
I wouldn't include too much of the pop culture stuff. Those are some of your funniest columns, but the Hatrack audience isn't the same as the audience for syndicated columns. For instance, I think the Smallville one is hilarious, but I probably wouldn't include it.
I'm not saying you totally cater to the LCD demographic -- after all, it might be a useful niche to cast yourself as someone who is culturally savvy and can attract younger readers (something which all newspapers want to do these days).
Just make sure you end up with a good balance.
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posted
The need for balance is why I broke 'em up into categories. Thing is, the daily life ones are a small percentage of what I usually write about -- which is pop culture -- so emphasizing them wouldn't be accurate. Submission guidelines for national syndication, from what I've found so far, ask for 8-10 samples.
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May the force be with you, no, us, no, wait, you Trafficpalooza, coming soon to a car near you Baby, you can build my car Loud to be an American Toys of mass destruction Time for a real Mickey Mouse government
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posted
Could be. Problem is that our newspaper already has four daily life columns, with two others that dip into that arena fairly often. While we have a movie reviewer and a music writer, we don't have a pop culture columnist, and that's where I am. Syndication might not be for me, but it can't hurt to try.
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posted
Don't use the reality show one (Who lives, etc.). It's hilarious to me, but the wider, stupider audience reached by syndication, which is your target, would probably be largely offended by it.
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In that case, I reverse my opinion entirely. Go heavy on the pop culture stuff. If that's what you are mainly writing for your own paper then you don't want to lose that niche.
And it does, hoepfully, become a way to differentiate yourself in the market.
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posted
KQ - actually that's a good point. If I go for self-syndication -- sending out columns to individual newspapers and such in the hopes that they'll pick it up -- I would probably choose samples that specifically targeted that market. As in, more family-friendly ones for local newspapers, edgier ones for alternative weeklies, that sort of thing. I might be better off just selecting a pool of them (as I have) and then making lists for each market. However, for the run at the nationals (and it's already seeming like I'm in training for the Olympics, only without the sweaty part or the steroids), I'm going with 10 acros the board. Hmm. I wonder if Mountain Dew counts as a performance-enhancing drug?
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posted
It's really hard to choose - I think the pop culture and daily life columns have really wide appeal. Maybe you could tailor your lists depending on the publication? For example, your techier pieces might be lost on some newspapers but go over big with online publications.
Even though you're just giving a sample, I guess I'd pass over the Florida-specific columns, since there are so many others of broader interest to choose from.
Some personal favorites:
May the force be with you, no, us, no, wait, you Somebody save me, there's a new Smallville Who lives? Who dies? Find out tonight! This week is a real turn off A treatise on dieting with dignity The Class-Action Diet
I just sat here and read every single one of them again.
Here are the notes I took while reading them:
quote:May the Force — You have to get halfway through it before you realize it is a humor column (or at least to the end of the third paragraph) Many readers would have quit before then if they didn’t already know you were a humor columnist.
Matrix — Not bad. Had many conversations of that sort in my office here.
Smallville — one of your better works, Chris. In fact, one of my favorite just in the style of the writing – like a script to a great satire. I laughed all the way through it, and I don’t usually even watch Smallville
Who lives, who dies – I like this too, but it is very similar to the Smallville, so I wouldn’t use both. Of the two, the Smallville is better.
This week is a real turn-off — I like this one. I think most families can relate to it.
Super Bowl — No. don’t use it. I guess we are all just so sick of this topic by now that it has ceased to be funny by this time. (It was funny at the time you wrote it, though)
Trafficpalooza -- Cute, but not memorable
Air Guitar - Cute
Baby, you can build my car -- I like this one. No explanation, I just do.
The Mod Squad – Yes! Use this. This is one that has stuck in my head (is that because I’m a computer geek?) Anyway, it was memorable.
Harry Potter – Okay. Not your best work, but not bad.
Bright College Days – I liked this one; probably just because I’m at the same point in my life with my family. I remember e-mail this one to some other friends, as well (which I do often to many of your columns)
Children of the Night – another favorite of mine; again, probably because I have teenagers as well. (the comic ZITS proves you can’t go wrong with doing any humor involving kids ages 15-18)
Approaching Death -- nah
Treatise on Dieting – This is good. I can relate. (although you didn’t use my favorite step in my diet – stopping on the way HOME from work to grab a 99cent Wendy’s burger before going home and making supper – so the kids don’t know I’ve already eaten, as I nibble at my diet supper)
Mickey Mouse — It’s okay. Maybe I don’t appreciate this humor as much because I worked the election precinct one year and had to COUNT all those times people wrote in “Mickey Mouse” for president.
Class-Action Diet – oh yes! Absolutely – love this! You really succeed when you write dialog, Chris.
Office Grazing – another good one
Toys of Mass Destruction -- Pretty good (but it always makes me wonder if even just ONE parent of some long-ago child killed by a yard dart read it – would they be terrible hurt by the humor? Ah well – if you try to right politically correct, you would never be able to write anything!)
Loud to be an American – Yes, include it. This one is really good.
posted
The television ones are great and you can't go wrong with the laugh out loud funny personal ones. I'd definetly go for the pop culture ones because they amuse me... Plus a lot of folks would get the references.
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posted
I never really noticed your name before, and I must admit, I am very impressed with your writing. I amstill reading and talking notes, but I loved:
quote: The lightsabers of Darth Vader, Obi-Won Kenobi, and Luke Skywalker have been digitally altered to more closely resemble the newer toys.
In a surprise twist, the bounty hunter chasing our heroes through the second and third movies is revealed to be not Boba Fett after all, but an old, embittered Jar-Jar Binks. Subsequently, his death in the maw of the Sarlacc in 'Return of the Jedi,' where he finds a new definition of pain and suffering as he is slowly digested over a thousand years, is now much more deeply satisfying.
quote: But even among these eternally struggling enemies "The Matrix" experience provides something eternal and universal, a simple, shining truth that all of us, young and old, can believe in:
They were still better than the Star Wars prequels.
Seriously, my sides are hurting... Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:The fact that my car continued to operate anyway clearly offended Dan, like a NASA scientist who'd just discovered all the stars were just painted on.
CO-workers are getting bothered by my snickering and out right laughter!
Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote:-- The portions of the book's plot that won't be in the inevitable movie version are clearly marked, allowing the confused reader to skip them with ease.
I am not blowing shunshine up your but, you REALLY need to be published. About the only humor I read any more in the paper is "You Have to Laugh" and an occasional Dilbert.
When I am done reading, I will give my suggestions like farmgirl--maybe not, I have a busy night ahead, but I will try.
Posts: 2445 | Registered: Oct 2004
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quote: As it is there are very few legally acceptable careers that evolve from an interest in the practical benefits of lighter fluid...
Best. Line. Ever.
I like the Force, the Matrix, Smallville, Trafficpalooza, Mod Squad, college days, Mickey Mouse, Class Action Diet (the office fav), office grazing, and loud.
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
While digging through the files, found a column from 2003 I never got to use about a local animal abuse controversy. By the time a chance came up, the story was too dated. So, those of you who stopped by to help me out get a free, never-before-seen column. Links are included in the text in case you need context. Enjoy.
When animals are attacked
TWENTY-FOUR/SEVEN By C.A. Bridges
It's been a rough time for animal lovers lately.
Most recently, 19-year-old Daytona Cubs pitcher Jae Kuk Ryu (pronounced, as we were repeatedly told without apparent irony, "jay-cook-you") took aim and threw a baseball at a breeding pair of ospreys named Ozzy and Harriet that have kept a nest in the park for years and have become fan favorites. Reportedly, after several tries Ozzie was struck in the eye and fell to the ground, dying a week later. Outraged and immediate fan reaction was enormous and Ryu was quickly sentenced to the worst punishment imaginable: exiled to Michigan, to play for the Lansing Lugnuts. Yes, the Lugnuts. And some criminal charges, probably.
While I definitely think that mindless cruelty to a helpless animal such as this is reprehensible and inexcusable, I did have to wonder that it took him several tries. The Cubs paid 1.6 million for this guy; I expect him to be capable of nailing helpless animals with a backdoor curve on demand, every time.
Dunno what penalties he'll incur when all is said and done, but personally I'd go with the suggestion of one of my coworkers: hang strips of meat over his right eye, stick his head and the widowed bird in a sealed box, and let them work out their differences amicably.
If that wasn't bad enough, British scientists just announced that they have proof that fish feel pain. Animal activists immediately pounced on this as evidence that fishing is cruel and called for an end to the sport (along with the televised execution of Bill Dance), but I have my doubts.
The scientists tested the fish – rainbow trout – by injecting some of them with bee venom or acetic acid to see if they'd twitch. The injected trout began to display "rocking" motions and took three times longer to resume feeding than the fish that weren't injected. They also appeared sullen and distrustful, and were nearly twice as inclined as the control group to stockpile weapons and develop wild conspiracy theories about the "real" source of red tides.
Now I am not considered a great fisherman by anyone but the fish who use my casting range as a safe haven, but I don't remember bee venom or acetic acid ever being suggested as a good lure. If anything, I think the scientists were the ones being needlessly cruel, probably laughing and dancing around with their huge, dripping, bee venom hypos and taunting the hapless trout. A fish caught by a sportsmanlike fisherman receives no such inhuman torturing; they simply get pierced in the lip and bodily dragged out of the water to suffocate. What could be wrong with that?
But the real issue here is that no matter how logically and unrelentingly the animal rights activists lobby, they cannot prevail for an insurmountable reason: fish simply do not have big brown eyes. Protecting baby seals and manatees is one thing, but few people can look a catfish in the eye and not want to reach for a baseball bat.
However, if we really want to see a devoted animal rights activist we must look no farther than Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), who has drawn up a will directing that her flesh be barbecued and her skin used to make leather products in protest at man's ill-treatment of animals.
As reported by Reuters in London, she has suggested that her feet be made into umbrella stands (traditionally made from elephant feet), her liver sent to France to protest foie gras (traditionally made from force-fed ducks and geese), and her other bodily parts used similarly wherever they would do the most good in the fight against animal cruelty.
I can see two problems right away with this otherwise noble and attention-getting gambit. First, there's the risk that items made from dead activist hide might become fashionable. Who would want last year's Prada handbag when they could have an authentic hand-stitched Newkirk? Ebay was made for stuff like this.
And the major drawback of having your flesh cooked, pulled, fried, and barbecued to make an ethical point is that people might like it and want more. Picketers and protestors are even easier to catch than sullen rainbow trout and animal rights activists might find themselves on their own endangered lists. They'd have to organize to protest their own mistreatment, which would lend a desperate tone to the picket line, to be sure.
And most of all, they would need to stay away from Lansing, Michigan if the Lugnuts are playing at home.
[ December 16, 2004, 06:10 PM: Message edited by: Chris Bridges ]
Posts: 7790 | Registered: Aug 2000
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quote: And so his descent into computer modification ("modding") begins.
I have a friend who once dropped his pen on the floor, "Michael, you dropped your modded pen".
The worst bit is he carved up his shoe-box sized computer. And he bought a rubbish bin just so he could cut part of it that would fit the shape of his computer. "Mesh", huh?
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