posted
I feel sick and shaky. Some people here get ansy with exclamation points...well I just had to live through my brother punching a hole in my door and screaming at the top of his lungs.
I was going to the RenFest... well I've been in a bad mood for days and I was feeling ugly.. I just finished my shower to get ready and get my costume on.. however, I think, my costume looks really bad when it is not totally on. I didn't want to leave my room because I knew Matt would saysome teasing and I just couldn't handle it today. And I got so furious that I felt trapped in my own house. So I go out and, yes.. he teases me. So I say "F*&% you" and walk away. He explodes. So yes.. my fault for feeling fragile and having just woken up and not having my mental shields fully up to protect my fragil ego...
Well.. now I'm not at the RenFest.. I feel sick and really really tired. Matt called to apologize but I still feel phsycally/emotionally bad. THere are so many things about him that irratate me and I keep my mouth shut...because I know that most of the time it will change nothing and lead to him screaming at me. Well...again... my fault for being so weak that I can't stand up for myself. Matt sees my refusing to fight as weak. Matt is a very angry person. I see conflict as base and disgusting.
And you know what... Mom used to do this screaming crap when we were growing up. And everyone wonders why I clam up when things get stressed or I have people screaming at me. Because it was either become like Mom...to accept that behavior as "goodness" as a way of coping, or like me to seal up and run away. Maybe it's acutally genetics...that what we think of as choices are just what we tell ourselves. That who we are is actually what is given to us by nature. So I chose to avoid conflict...not because of some high moral choice, but because it makes me ill. And Matt does choose the warrior way because of some ideal, but because he is naturally a very angry person with a short fuse.
Anyway...this does nothing good for my depression. I wish there was a way of talking about things that irratate us without fighting or making each other feel like crap.
[ September 25, 2005, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: Telperion the Silver ]
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Already told my friends to leave without me. I guess I could drive by myself...but while I do want to go this has become a stay-in-the-house day. A shame because this is the closing ceremony. There is always next year.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
It sounds like Matt needs to seek some professional help for anger management.
This is his problem, not yours, Telperion. It is not about you being too sensitive or weak. You sound like a peace-keeper. That is a wonderful quality.
He sounds like the type of person who would reject any attempts at therapy, but perhaps in time he will come to see that it keeping you and him from ever becoming close.
((Telperion))
EDIT: And yes, take rivka's advice-GO!
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
He doesn't do real therapy, but he does this group therapy thing with his friends. And he does try to improve himself...
The thing is that he is a loud person. And I, frankly, get anxious when he gets loud. And he usually gets loud when we are talking about more serious stuff or about housework or when I feel disrespected. So I avoid talking about most things that bother me because he gets loud. And then I get really really flustered and can't even remember the points or details of why I'm feeling how I'm feeling... so I look like a fool and a bitchy person with no reason for being grumpy. Then it just kinda spills out like it did today.. and of course that led to him breaking a door and me feeling ill.
He DEMANDS that I be strong. But at the same time... he wants me to knee to him and beg. He wants me to be stand up, but never to him. All I can do is stand there, look him in the eye, and say nothing at all... react to his screaming with nothing. I can't scream back because A)I could be in the wrong and I was totally immoral for what I did... or B) because screaming back would lead to much much more than some boken doors. I can't afford new glasses or any more broken furniture. Actually...throughout my life I've avoided fighting or let him hurt me because I was terrified of damaging anything in the house. Matt has no concern for our possessions when he is in a rage. So I need to think for him to protect stuff. I remember many times when we were young he'd be attacking me and I'd be using all my energy, not fighting back, but trying to move him and I away from the expensive stuff in whatever room we were in.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
You know, I think I'm the one who needs therapy. Matt is just selfish and rude, but I'm manipulative. That manipluation comes from my fear of conflict. I can't deal with head on collsions so I try and mold things quietly. I used to hate that about Mom too... she was really manipulative. Dad was kind and quiet, but he was also King. You never went against him. But he also avoided emotion to a certain extent. So I have my Mom's craziness and my Dad's avoidence. And Matt has my Mom's rage and my Dad's ego and ability to hold a grudge.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
We need to find a better way of communicating. My grumpiness comes from my self loathing. My regrets at my failures. It’s in my nature to be depressed and self doubting. Who knows if that’s how I was made or how I was born, but whatever the case that’s how I am now.
But at the same time the guilt I feel at my failures is false. In reality I’ve not done anything to make me feel this horrible. It is a biochemical imbalance. But Matt and others see my guilt and my horrible feelings and think that I must have done something to feel sorry for.
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Wow, this sounds too much like my brother and I. Luckily, my brother's calmed down in recent years. I wish I could give you some advice on that . . .
It's not your fault. If you know some one has a tendency to explode and so you try to manipulate circumstances to prevent that, it's all right. Everybody manipulates their environment to a degree. As logn as you're not trying to bend people to self-serving ends, it's just normal human operation.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
And I know you've probably heard this too often, and chemical imbalances do screw with things quite a bit. But first, it's better to always put your regrets aside. I hate to sound negative, but this is my own findings. It's nearly impossible to get rid of the regrets or the feelings of guilt. Sometimes I think the only thing to do with them is to set them away somewhere until you can pour them somewhere safely.
And, as to your brother's actions, I have to ask you how important he is to you. Yes, I know, he's family. Still, it seems like his presence exacerbates the negatives here. Do you spend a lot of time around him? Should you? Honestly, it sounds like a lot of the core troubles won't change, or will do so slowly and minisculely. It's hard to . . . I dunno, advise upon.
Posts: 1735 | Registered: Oct 2004
| IP: Logged |
When you are tiptoeing around trying to avoid subjects and situations because you know that will send another person into a rage, you are in an abusive situation. The very first thing to do in that case is to get out. You can't even think clearly while you have this dynamic going with a family member. After a month of peace when you are free, then you will see things much more clearly, and begin to untangle yourself from their view of you and from how they treat you.
All that stuff about him wanting you to be strong sounds like nonsense to me. To me it seems as though there is nothing you could do that would make him happy. If he's punching holes in your door, then I would guess you aren't ever going to be able to be "good" enough in his eyes to satisfy him ever. The reason I think that is because I suspect that his rage really has nothing at all to do with you, but is only an expression of him from the inside. You say your mom treated you the same way, and so you may think of this as normal, but it's not.
<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<Telpy>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Abusive situations are difficult to see clearly from the inside. Once a person is free of abusive sitations then that person can decide how much contact he wants and when. Then when he goes to see the abusive person, and abusive behavior starts, then he can say nicely, "Well, I've got to get going now, see you later" and leave. He can stay gone a bit longer next time. In this way, he teaches the abuser to act better around him. He is doing the abusive person a big favor by this as well, because a real relationship is made possible only by mutual respect.
Once you establish that respect, and it takes a long time to break the habits of a lifetime, and some people are just positive they can't so they don't, but once respect is established, then you have the basis for a real connection there. Before that, it's not possible.
The way I found to judge if a relationship is healthy or not is if it enhances who you both are. If after visiting someone for the first time in a month, for instance, you come away feeling smaller, weaker, and less of a person, then you need to increase the interval to six weeks or two months and try again. If you come away feeling happier, better, and more of a person then you're on the right track and you can continue cautiously ahead.
I'm sorry if I sound as though I understand everything about you and your situation. I know that's not true. I know that you are an intelligent and good hearted person who can make smart choices about things. I'm concerned about you because what you said matches so closely a pattern that existed in my life for years, and that seems to happen in similar ways with many others too.
When I hear you worried if it might be somehow your fault, I just feel like I have to reach out to you and tell you what I've learned about situations like that. You've got lots of great friends who care about you and respect you. You're an awesome person. You don't deserve to be tiptoeing around, trying not to kick off the ugliness or rage of someone for whom it's pretty inevitable that they're going to find something to be angry about eventually no matter what you do. You have to be the strong one in that situation. You have to be the grown-up, and calmly take charge of the situation. If you can arrange your life so that you aren't living with your brother, that will be a huge positive step.
Whatever you decide, though, you have the friendship, support, and admiration of hatrack. I know you can feel that.
Posts: 6246 | Registered: Aug 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Telp, I know there's issues with you two co-owning the house and not thinking you want to sell it, but it really dosn't sound like this is a healthy living environment for you. You really should think about how long you want to stay in this environment, and at what cost to your mental and emotional well-being.
posted
I agree with ak and ElJay. You need to think about finding yourself a healthier environment to live in.
And please don't apologize. If you can't come to Hatrack for support, then we're not doing our jobs right. *hug*
Now, is it too late to get to that RenFair? If not, go. If it is, think about where else you can go now and have fun. I think it would do you good to get out of the house. Shoo!
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[No No]](graemlins/nono.gif)
If you can't come to Hatrack for support, then we're not doing our jobs right. ![[Wink]](wink.gif)
*hug*![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
