posted
Briefly, Hubby and I had a...not exactly fight, but close enough. He actually said he doesn't like being married. I just started crying and went in the other room. About an hour later, he came in and we calmly, if tearfully, discussed divorce, custody, living arrangements, etc. In the beginning of this discussion, I said, "This is not what I want so you can change your mind anytime. No pressure, I just want you to know you have that option."
At the end, we decided we should be roomates who happen to be married with kids for right now. Then he left on a fire call. (volunteer firefighter) That's when I posted the original post in this thread.
When he came back, I went for a drive. I was gone for an hour, while he chatted with some friends of his online. When I came back at about 3am, we talked some more. Now, he doesn't want to be roomates, he wants to be married with all that implies.
At this point, I don't know what's going to happen. I know it's not that he wants to be with someone else. I truly think he's depressed. I suggested counselling... ANY counselling, but I don't know if that will happen.
So, I'm sad, and confused. I'm not sure what I should feel right now. Mostly, I think I'm in shock.
Thanks for all your kind wishes and hugs. You guys mean a lot to me, even though I don't post much. I'll post more when I know more. Love you guys.
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posted
Wow, Boon, what an emotional roller-coaster! I think I'd be in shock too. Wish I had some constructive advice. The only thing I can think of, if you think you're in emotional shock, try not to make long-term decisions. I hope everything works out. Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
One thing that I noticed that you wrote is that he said he didn't like being married, not that he didn't want to be with you.
It may be that allowing him to imagine actually not being with you scared him and he realized how much he loved you, which is why he came back partway and then all the way.
It may be that he is depressed. Since you are worried that he may not attend counselling, it might be best if you learned as much about depression as you can, so that you can understand and help. If it is depression he can't overcome without professional help, maybe you can start him down the road by having him take a physical and talking to the doctor about it to get a referal, rather than coming at it from counselling direction.
posted
If it's not prying, may I ask how long you've been married?
Went through a lot of similar stages myself... Hopefully your husband won't make the same mistake I did and only realize that he *really* wants to stay married after he has so alienated you that *you* aren't sure anymore.
A good marriage counselor can be a wonderful thing. Beware: counseling may very well dig up deep root issues that you have been hiding from without even being aware of it. This is a good thing, but can be very unpleasant.
A book that is doing me a lot of good right now is Do I Have to Give Up Me to Love You which was recommended by our counselor. The first chapter had me going "I just don't buy that" quite often, but by the third, I could see there was a lot of wisdom in this book and that it was a road map for achieving an attitude that I have always tried, with irregular success, to have.
Posts: 2112 | Registered: Sep 1999
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posted
This is kind of random, but do you think a vacation sans kids would help? Maybe just a weekend away, no cell phones or internet, doing something you both enjoy or maybe just nothing at all. It'd give you two time to talk, too. Just a thought.
All I can offer is sympathy and prayers, and internet hugs.
And, if you want to talk, Hatrack is just full of people who love to listen and do whatever they can to help, even if it's not very much. A lot of not very much can add up to almost enough, sometimes.
posted
I don't know much about your husband or your marriage, but I think it sounds like he really does love you. Counseling is probably a good idea. I hope that everything works out for you.
Counseling can certainly help, he may be reluctant, but just ask that before he makes a huge decision that will not only impact you and him, but be very, very tough on your children he needs to take the step of trying to work things out through counseling.
There's plenty of studies out that discuss the negative impact of divorce on kids, believe me I know - I grew up without a dad and now my mother and step-dad are divorcing and it's tough even though I'm a grownup. Just encourage him to try counseling, for your kids sake if nothing else.
posted
Counseling sounds like a good idea. If he's unwilling to go, I recommend going alone. It's not nearly as effective as when both partners participate, but it can help you cope.
You are in my prayers. (((((((((((((((Boon)))))))))))))))
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Jeez. I am just REALLY hoping things get fixed for you soon. *oodles of hugs & prayers for Boon*
Posts: 1595 | Registered: Feb 2003
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quote: If it's not prying, may I ask how long you've been married?
Went through a lot of similar stages myself... Hopefully your husband won't make the same mistake I did and only realize that he *really* wants to stay married after he has so alienated you that *you* aren't sure anymore.
We've been married for 7 years this coming April. To be honest, I'm not sure this can be fixed. At his point, he's acting like nothing happened. He's back to his same routine, and I'm left wondering when it will all crash down around me again. My marriage, my family, has always felt so safe to me before. Now, I have no refuge.
quote:This is kind of random, but do you think a vacation sans kids would help? Maybe just a weekend away, no cell phones or internet, doing something you both enjoy or maybe just nothing at all. It'd give you two time to talk, too. Just a thought.
A vacation may (or may not) help, but right now it's not an option. No money, no such thing as vacation time at hubby's work, no babysitter, ever!! ...no dice. Talking is something we usually do late at night while I'm supposed to be sleeping and a few days without the internet would be a financial mess for us. (We also have an online business.) So, no vacation..or even anything resembling one.
quote: One thing that I noticed that you wrote is that he said he didn't like being married, not that he didn't want to be with you...
...It may be that he is depressed.
He said he loves me. He also said "life shouldn't be this hard." He hates his job, he hates not having the time or money to do what he wants...he said the best thing for all of us would be if I found a really nice guy with a good job to take care of me and the kids. He seems to think he'd be happier all by himself. WTF!?!? Excuse my language, but, come on already! I told him I already have a nice guy to help me take care of the kids. What else am I supposed to say to that?!
quote: And, if you want to talk, Hatrack is just full of people who love to listen and do whatever they can to help, even if it's not very much. A lot of not very much can add up to almost enough, sometimes.
I know. That's why I came here. To be honest, I don't have any real friends. You guys are really, truly, the only ones I feel I can turn to right now. Sometimes, a sympathetic ear can make all the difference in the world.
You know, I'd always been told that keeping a journal (or diary) would be helpful in sorting out my feelings, but I just couldn't make myself do it. It helps just to know that someone who cares is going to read this, and possibly even get to know me a little better at the same time.
Oh, and we do have an appointment with a counsellor tomorrow evening. It's a lot more money than we can afford...I'm just praying things will work out okay. I'm frightened.
7 years sounds about right, there's a reason why they talk about the "7 year itch"...
From my experience:
I was very unsure. I wanted to be free of the responsibilities of wife and family, partly because I felt like I was not doing them very well, but mostly because I just didn't take much joy from them. It just felt like more work and I felt very little reward. I couldn't bring myself to leave, though I got real close many times. I'd say he isn't so much actively trying to pretend nothing happened as much as he wasn't seriously wanting to leave, he's just feeling bogged down and a little trapped and desiring a change right now and that was his (and my) way of expressing that.
What that change is, I don't know. My issues went (go) back to my own feelings of inadequacy and need for recognition and acceptance. I was feeling like I wasn't wanted for *who* I was so much as *what* I could do (paycheck, help around the house, etc.). It didn't feel like my wife viewed me as special or unique in any way, but merely as a provider of things, be it money, help, time away from kids, or what have you...
I don't know if that sounds like what he's going through or not... or how reliable or common my expeiences might be... just offering that in the hopes that it helps.
Posts: 2112 | Registered: Sep 1999
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Hatrack is just wonderful as a home away from home sometimes. *hug*
Heck, I have no idea about this kind of thing. I have a few ideas, but my theories have been so terribly, horribly wrong in the past that I don't if I can even trust what I think now.
The no money/vacation time/time alone/babysitter thing does NOT sound like fun, btw. Even if everything is PERFECT, that's hard on people. *hug*
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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posted
So much stress and so much pressure! Is there anyone you know who kids about the same age as yours who can watch yours one night a week, and you watch theirs one night? (Or alternate weeks, perhaps.) Sadly, I'm a good deal too far away to offer, though I'd love to.
I'm glad you two are going to see a counselor. ((((((((((Boon&family)))))))))) Life can be very difficult sometimes; it's all too easy to fall into the "it's not supposed to be this hard" trap. Hopefully both of you will find ways to make it a little easier together.
It really sounds like he's not rejecting you, he's overwhelmed and trying to escape the pressures of daily life. Which doesn't help a lot, I know, but if you can keep that in mind, maybe it will help a little.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
(((Boon))), some months ago EXACTLY the same thing happened to me, and I too came to Hatrack for support and really they helped me through the night.
So I know how you feel.
We didn't do any counseling. Just went on, and slowly, slowly this very unsafe feeling and the stress that goes with it went away.
(((Boon))) Just remember that he loves you. Remember that he isn't strong and independent, he needs you badly.
Hang in, Boon, and I wish you all the best.
Posts: 1247 | Registered: Apr 2000
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Boon
unregistered
posted
Look, I know it's late (or early) but I really need a real live person to talk to. Can one of you please send me your phone number? I wouldn't ask, but I really need a friend. Thanks.
Edit to say...that sounds wierd. If you'd rather, send me an e-mail and I'll send you my phone number.
I'm a bit of a lurker here so no one knows me, and I should be trying to focus on finishing my thesis, but I felt like I had something to add to this discussion.
I know how your husband feels, I think. It sounds like he is having self-esteem issues right now. From his comment about having you find better guy, I would guess that he is misguidedly trying do the "noble" thing by letting you dump an obviously inferior husband (in his view).
I feel the same way most days, but I never have crossed the line and told my wife that she needed to find someone else. Our family (we have two kids, one 5 years and one 10 months) is going through a really hard time now because I need to spend a lot of time on my thesis and there are some days that I only see my family for an hour or two before bedtime. Being a grad student doesn't pay too well and I was supposed to graduate 6 months ago. My wife took a pay cut this academic year so that she could be with the kids more, and I was supposed to have a better paying job by now. We have not had a real vacation since we got married (right out of college and straight into grad school for both of us) and we have never done daycare or had a babysitter. My oldest is in preschool now, but the baby is with one of us at all times, which makes schedule-juggling an Olympic sport.
OSC and many others have pointed out that a man tends to define himself by his career and a woman tends to define herself by her family. Maybe your husband isn't separating being married with being a provider for the family. For me, being married has been the same as being in grad school, which, I can tell you, sucks big time.
Tell him that he is more important as a husband and father than anything else in the world. Yes, life sucks, but it sucks for everyone. It sounds like money issues are tight for you, but that you are getting by O.K. If he feels like he is not a good provider, tell him that money is not as important as staying together as a family.
Looking back on my own life, I can see where I have made mistakes. When I ask myself what I would do if I could go back and change things, I look at my kids and realize that they would not exist if anything before now had been different. Because of them, I wouldn't change a thing.
I realize that this post has been mostly about me, but 1) I know more about me than you and 2) I wanted to let you know what your husband might be feeling. I can't speak for him, but I'd like to think that I am somewhat representative of my sex. Also, with some of the recent Landmark threads, I noticed that this would be my 50th post.
posted
Don, thanks for posting. It's nice to meet you! What you said seems to make sense and apply to a lot of husbands that I've heard of/spoken with, whether they're new husbands, or old ones. (Including my own father...yea even after 33 years of marriage.)
Boon, my email address is in the profile, but I'm emailing you my cell phone number so that you can call me at any time of the day or night if you want to, ok? I'm really serious about that and I hope you feel like you CAN call. 3am phone conversations won't bug anyone cause it's just my cell phone. I hope you're doing ok today. (((Boon))) Posts: 6415 | Registered: Jul 2000
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To others, me and Ralphie chatted with Boon for a long while early this morning, and I hope we helped.
Posts: 6316 | Registered: Jun 2003
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Boon
unregistered
posted
quote:To others, me and Ralphie chatted with Boon for a long while early this morning, and I hope we helped.
You did...all of you have been wonderful. I had no idea I was so blessed. I got so many e-mails, PMs, good wishes and hugs...I'm just... loving all of you, for chatting with me, sending me e-mails, responding in this thread, and lurking with good intentions. I needed that, and you were there for me.
Forgive me if you sent your phone number and I didn't call. I wound up not calling anybody. I didn't even acknowledge any of the e-mails, and for that I apologize. It helped, though, knowing that so many of you were, and I hope are, willing to give me yourselves: your time, your sympathy, your opinions, your personal information. I can't even begin to thank you enough, and you know who you are.
For those who want to know, I know what the big secret is, and it is huge. I can't make any decisions for him, and I can't tell him what to do.
He still doesn't want to go to the counsilor with me tomorrow, but I told him I'm going whether he does or not, so he might as well come along. I don't know how it will change anything, but..well...we'll see what happens.
Life is somewhat less unbearable now that the problem is identified. The solution is still hazy, but at least there's a vague sense of the right direction.
Sorry if this is vague. I'm not meaning to exclude anybody. It's going to sound wierd, after I've put so much out here, but I don't want everybody to know all the details. Heck, I don't want to know some of it...
So, the issue is on it's way to a conclusion, and I may need a shoulder now and then. Right now, though, I need a drug induced coma (benadryll, of course ) because I've napped for a total of 2 1/2 hours in the last 36.
Sorry if this isn't coherent, I'm tired. I will post general, vague updates now and then, for those who want them.
Good night, and thank you again, all of you.
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I'm just glad you're okay, and I simply love Hatrack as a place to run to if you need it. Don't worry about us. Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
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Boon
unregistered
posted
quote: it *is* nicer knowing what you're actually dealing with, isn't it?
Well, maybe not nicer, but less stressful, somehow. Believe me, it's bad enough that nothing could make it nice.
I did wind up going to the counsilor alone this morning, but not because he wasn't going to go. He was, but was out on a call until after 4am, so had to sleep.
I can't say I wasn't disappointed, but since the first session is mostly paperwork and general background anyway, it turned out to be not such a big deal. We have another appointment next Wednesday.
Every day now, though, he's opening up more. He finally trusted me not to leave when he told me, so that's good...
I'm mostly just tired and sad at this point, and there's really nothing else I can *do* to fix it. And that's what's really hard. I can't fix it. I have no control. That's tough to deal with, but I'm trying.
For his part, he's saying the right things. I hope he follows through. We'll see. ::cautiously optimistic::
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The only thing I can think of, if you think you're in emotional shock, try not to make long-term decisions. I hope everything works out. ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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and a few days without the internet would be a financial mess for us. (We also have an online business.) So, no vacation..or even anything resembling one.![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
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