posted
I just wanted to thank, again and again, this community for all it gives me, and especially the persons who hugged me yesterday. I feel quite ashamed I went in a lot of thread that has nothing to see with my problem to cry like a baby, but I was feeling so bad and the joke about me being OSC-Fan just was too much for me. So I apology with all my heart to the people that saw their thread derailed because of me. To know the reason of me being that way, read the following, but don't do it if you don't want to hear me whine and be angry. I guess that I'm very stressed with my problems with the driving school, and the wedding, for, as I said, it's kind of hard to spend a lot (and I mean a lot !) of time to find the best solutions for everyone to be happy, which means of course making compromises with the wedding you always dreamt about(I don't complain. A dream is to remain a dream, I guess.), and being treated after that like a bad-educted selfish barbarian. I know I shouldn't care, my SIL decided she hated me a long time ago, and simply doesn't try to understand me, and says me I've got to act like her because it's the only good way to act and shut my mouth. She is the kind of person that makes things for the others, and then says : look at me, I sacrifize my own desires to please the others, I'm a saint and you are just trash if you don't want to admit it and do like me. I can't stand it. First because I don't like people to despise me. Then, because I think that when you make a choice, well, it was your choice. I you choose to suffer to please someone else, then the reason of your suffering is yourself, not the other persons. So again, thank you Hatrack because I was in big distress and you made me feel better, and thank to all the Card family to make such a place possible. I will try to keep my problems in the hug thread for now
[ March 15, 2004, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: Anna ]
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Anna, don't worry about it. The only way that people can know if they've said something to upset you is if you tell them. And no one's going to be mad at you for being stressed out when you're getting ready to be married. ((((Anna))))
And you don't have to keep your personal problems to the Hug thread if they effect the entire rest of your life. Don't worry about it.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
I said that you were OSC-fan, but it was in response to this post that skillery made:
quote: We've got a UBB database problem related to deleted threads. Anna's recent history also points to post zero of the "what the heck" thread.
People were confused that both your post and OSC's post went to the same thread, which is obviously a glitch to me. So I posted something like:
"The answer is obvious. Anna is OSC-fan!"
It would have been funnier if it had ended up after the post it was in response to. But the thread was moving too fast and I didn't notice until much later that it ended up all by itself on the next page, where it wouldn't have been funny at all.
So, I'm sorry that you were hurt. It seemed funny to me because you are the least O-F-like person in the whole community and no one would ever think that you and (s)he were the same person.
posted
I'm so sorry that your wedding - what should be a wonderful and happy experience - is such a cause of distress. I hope that things will improve! (((Anna)))
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
To Amka : He feels bad, so I feel worse cause he feels bad because of me (sort of). And it's not the all family, only his brother and his brother's wife. But there is not much other family, except his parents, and I don't know what they think about it. The BIL and SIL say they are angry but don't want to tell. I don't think it is really so. It's true we are really different. For exemple, I would never spend the night of my wedding with my husband's parents in the next room. But I let them do what they seemed to fit them. And I don't treat them as barbarians. So if we do want to spend the night of our wedding alone, they should accept it too. To PSIT : I know you didn't though it, I know you didn't want to hurt me either. Ordinary I would have find your joke very funny, and maybe play as if I really was OSC-fan or something. I was just so distressed I took it bad, and it's my fault, not yours.
[ March 11, 2004, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: Anna ]
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
Same hotel might be okay, but if at all possible try to get a room down the hall and not next to theirs. That is very strange that they want to be in the room next to you. Is this cultural, or their own particular wish? If you are staying at someone's house, by all means get a hotel. This is a special bonding time between you and your newly married spouse. You don't need anyone interrupting.
When you get married, you don't need a chaperone any more. You let go of the parents and cleave unto your spouse. There is no good reason they need to be near you at this time. If they don't recognize that, this is a cause for worry.
This is not a little detail of decoration or who sits where. This attitude will not stop after you are married. You aren't just marrying your fiance, you are becoming part of his family. Parents are good sources of wisdom and friendship after you marry, but they do not belong in the marriage, between you and your husband.
I hope this doesn't sound harsh. But I think you are right to want to have a room all to yourselves with no one near.
Posts: 3495 | Registered: Feb 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Strangely enough Anna, I just started working customer service for a wedding company (Exclusivelyweddings.com for those interested) and believe me, being stressed out before a wedding isn't unusual. It seems to go with the whole danged thing.
Just relax and remember these tips:
1. It's almost YOUR wedding. A little part of it is your fiance`s, a bit of it is your Mom's (they always want to see you get what they didn't have) and a wee, tee-tiny bit of it is the rest of the family's. But let's say 90% of it is supposed to be yours. Put your foot down when you want something and have the wedding you'll want to remember for the rest of your life.
2. Let Sis in Law go do the "superior martyr dance" for all she's worth. Just nod, smile sweetly and do what you think is right.
3. Don't be afraid to shoo people away a bit when they start horning in on your special day. Making them happy would be nice, but do it in your own way.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Amka : I'm not speaking of an hotel. I'm speaking of our home. The BIL and SIL asks us to host the parents in the living-room, just besides our bedroom. It would make me quite uncomfortable. If it was in a hôtel and distance possible, I would be OK with it.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
I don't know what else to say. Anna keeps me company on most of the forums I participate in. Thanks for being here, Anna!
Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jul 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Vincent is sorry, and knows I'm right. It's our wedding, the point is to find a compromise between his point of view and mine (which are quite different) and we did so, so he knows the SIL and BIL are unfair to think I'm a selfish girl (BTW, there is an age difference between me and Vincent, 6 years, that's why they treat me as a little girl). He is sad to see his brother reacting that stupidly, without even trying to understand. But there is no problem between us because of that, which I should be grateful of, I imagine.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
quote: I don't agree that the wedding belongs to the bride, although most would flame me for saying so.
The bride and groom should have an equal percentage in the wedding, and it should please them both.
PSIT : I agree with you on that one. I guess sometimes it is not the case because girls tend to imagine their ideal wedding more than boys. But still. My future hubby and I are both making compromises, because we both want to be happyy and the other to be happy too.
quote: the "superior martyr dance"
That was really funny. I almost wet myself. Now tell me Sopwith, you are actually French and you know my SIL ?
[ March 11, 2004, 04:08 PM: Message edited by: Anna ]
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
I know that you will be okay, but I also know that it's very hard for you right now. In-laws can be frustrating. I was very blessed with my in-laws, but I know many people who have had troubles with theirs.
It is your (you and Vincent's) wedding. Remember that the ceremony is not as important as the unity between you and Vincent as married people. Maybe that will help?
My husband and I are 5 and 1/2 years apart in age, and that's not much at all. Your BIL and SIL are being mean for no reason.
Oh, and if you are a barbarian, you are in good company, because the Americans on this board could probably be accused of being barbarians. Isn't that what most French think of the U.S. anyway? *grin* I call my son a 'little barbarian' all of the time, it's an endearment in my house.
((hugs for Anna and Vincent))
Posts: 1545 | Registered: May 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
St. Yogi, you don't have to watch your mouth in any way. I wasn't really myself yesterday night. Your joke was actually funny, and you had one chance on 1000 to fall on a person that would be sobbing before her computer. You had no mean to know it. When I started to show it, everybody as been very kind with me, and doing the joke knowing it would have been uncarefull. But as you made it, it wasn't wrong in any way.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
They want you to have your parents-in-law stay with you on the night of your wedding? Seriously??
Pardon my bluntness, but that's crazy. Surely this is not a common thing to do in France?
A new husband and wife want -- no, NEED -- time alone, not to have to deal with anyone else. For several days, if they like; but surely that night!
(((((Anna))))) You are NOT being selfish or childish, your SIL is being unreasonable. (Feel free to tell her some American she never met said so. )
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
OK, I've got nothing coherent to say about your wedding problems - they'd make me sputtering mad if my in-laws-to-be tried something like that. But I hope you figure something out to get your privacy.
And you have nothing to apologize for anything you posted in those other threads.
posted
I don't have any help for wedding problems, but just want to tell Anna we love her and give her a big hug <<<<<<<<Anna>>>>>>>> and tell her not to even think about leaving because we would miss her too much! Well, it's okay if she wants to take a few days off of hatrack when she gets married, but not too many! Posts: 5509 | Registered: May 1999
| IP: Logged |
I have a horror story. We didn't have any money for a honeymoon, so we just went to our apartment. A friend had been living with my husband and was to stay at another friend's house. This person would be going back to Russia in about 4 days.
We got one night. After that the one friend said that he refused to house this other guy. So this guy comes and stays with us on the second night after we got married.
Lemme tell you a little about this guy: at our wedding, he stood next to us and introduced himself to everyone, even though we did not have a wedding line for our family and he was not family.
Argh.
We didn't want to be disturbed the next morning so I got a breakfast cake and pointed it out to him.
7:00 AM *knock knock* Huh? What?
"What's for breakfast?"
"There is a breakfast cake, remember?"
"Uh, okay."
Grrrrrr.
Well, anyway, do everything you can to make your inlaws comfortable without anyone staying at your house. How are MIL and FIL reacting to all this? So far from the information you've posted it seems to be SIL pushing this ridiculous request.
BTW, my husband is five years older than me. It is a nice fit.
Posts: 3495 | Registered: Feb 2000
| IP: Logged |
quote: They want you to have your parents-in-law stay with you on the night of your wedding? Seriously??
Yes, they do. Actually that's what they did. No, it's not common in France, and I'm happy I followed the SIL advice (she is so silly she gives me advices that returns against her...) and actually talk about it with other people. She seamed to think that it was an evidence that we should accept it. We gave them (SIL, BIL, MIL and FIL) an hotel. That's what made them (SIL and BIL) mad. They say an hotel is not family and it's not normal not to sleep with family when there is an event like a wedding. EDIT : I meant, for them not to sleep with family. Of course they are in the same hotel than FIL and MIL and actually all the persons invited to the wedding, but it's not enough, they say MIL and FIL will feel very, very lonely.
[ March 12, 2004, 05:07 AM: Message edited by: Anna ]
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
See, you want to spend the night with family -- your new husband.
Actually, if it's a nice hotel, I'd say let them stay at your place -- and you and Vincent can enjoy the hotel!
Seriously, it sounds like you are going far and above what you would be expected to do. When I've gone to another city for my relatives' weddings, they didn't put me up in a hotel! I paid for the hotel (or found other friends to stay with).
Your SIL has NOTHING to complain about. So do your best to ignore her comments, and take lots of deep breaths.
posted
I just read what Kristine Card wrote just before closing the OSC-fan thread. Wow, she actually cares for what happens to me ! I would never have though. Ok, I stop bragging. There obviously has been a misunderstood for some of you (that's why I wish I was English-speaker born...). I was not talking about leaving the forum (for such a stupid thing than OSC-fan ? Come on, Frenchies are impulsive, but not that much !) but about leaving the discussion. I connected this morning to delete the thread (not this one, the OSC-fan one) and since Kristine closed it I won't do it (I didn't want it to disapear, but, too, to avoid it to become sillier than it became.) BTW, When you're smiling, When you're smiling, The world smiles with you... I feel so much better ! Mostly thanks to you, I realize I'm reasonable demanding what I demand (a little time with my husband in our wedding day). I realize, too, that I'm not the only one to think it's not kind and maybe rude to make remarks concerning our wedding. After all, their one didn't please me and I didn't say anything, of course, because it was their wedding, it has to please them, not us. Thank Hatrack. Now to answer to some questions :
quote: What would your Sister in law say, if you told her bluntly. We don't want them staying next to us because we have LOUD sex?
Would that shock her into being nicer? It would probably be even better if Vincent said it...
Not very applicable since, as you may have guessed, the BIL and SIL are active part of their church, and they still think I'm the devil because I'm not Catholic. But I just LOVE the idea.
quote: How are MIL and FIL reacting to all this? So far from the information you've posted it seems to be SIL pushing this ridiculous request.
You are right to think it's the SIL and BIL who don't agree with the hotel solution. They pretend that MIL and FIL told them they didn't but that they would never dare to tell us. I don't trust that word to word. They may be a little annoyed and don't want to tell us about it because it's not that important to them, but I think it's mostly another occasion for BIL and SIL to try to destroy us (this is an emphasize, in case you didn't guess ) Point is, I guess they all expected to be in my father's house (it is about 35 minutes from the place we live and we will marry). But first, his house is still full with my two sisters, their husbands and babies, and then, we decided to care about everything ourselves, because to us a wedding is an act that marks you are an adult. Of course, since BIL and SIL's parents paid and hosted quasi the all wedding for them, they don't think we are right to do it the way we want to. But not everyone has two houses very big, like the SIL's parents.
[ March 12, 2004, 05:54 AM: Message edited by: Anna ]
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Anna, I feel very bad for you. Your in-laws are nuts and you deserve better. Luckily for you you have chosen the man that you want to be with for the rest of your life, and he has chosen you, and the two of you will be forming a new family. That doesn't mean you'll never have to deal with your in-laws again, but at least you'll be able to turn around and unite with Vincent, and hopefully he will be comfort for you.
I agree with Rivka, Anna, what you could do is to get a hotel room yourselves. It will be cheaper for you, and you and your new groom can enjoy a nice vacation with only each other to worry about. I understand if you want to be together in your home and feel like they are getting in where they don't belong, so you're defensive. But if it were me, I might go to a hotel ANYWAY just because they're fun and someone cleans up, and it's a fun new environment for the two of you, like a little vacation. Don't tell them which hotel you picked. You can pretend it's a special rendevouz place for you and Vincent, and be silly about it. They already expect you to be silly, little girl. If you plan on spending time with them, tell them in advance where you will meet them. You may not be able to explain to them why you are doing it that way without them thinking you're the devil, but you shouldn't live your life based on what stupid people want for you. (Only smart people like us Hatrackers. )
Forgot to add: By the way, Anna, our family lives in Paris and Normandy. That's not TOO far from you, is it?
posted
Absolutely not. Paris is one hour train. And we periodicaly cross the entire France to see Vinnie's parents, it's not a problem either, France is so small compared to America or Australia ! Map I live in Lille, in the North, near Belgium. Here is a world map to see how small France is on it.
[ March 12, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: Anna ]
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
France is reasonably sized. Only your country is as big as a continent, which is not reasonable. Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Just to tell to people who care : don't worry if I don't post much on the next two weeks, I spent so much time on the internet I don't have any connexion to spend now ! I'll be back on the beginning of April.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Is it common to have a limited allotment of hours to spend online in France? I know that some ISPs here in the States do that, but my impression is that it's a kind of out moded way of doing things here.
posted
Noemon, it's actually quite common in Europe to have this type of access. Luckily, I have unlimited access by the grace of the university I study in !
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Group Hug]](graemlins/grouphug.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Kiss]](graemlins/kiss.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
)
![[Evil]](graemlins/evil.gif)
<-- since I'm now the devil according to O-F![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Party]](graemlins/party.gif)
![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
![[The Wave]](graemlins/thewave.gif)
