quote:I will find a center in you I will chew it up and leave
Have you ever heard of those experiments where they put glasses on people with lenses that invert the image? the people get used to walking around that way. Everything becomes normal for them. they are seeing the world upside down and, eventually, they don't even notice it.
At least 32 years ago, I had that happen to me.
I've been looking and looking, trying to rectify this way I was seeing the world with reality. Searching for the thing that had me so out of step with everyone else. I mean I adjusted beautifully. I coped. I achieved and even excelled at times. I learned how to adapt, adjust, and make the world fit into my perspective of it.
It was simple, really-- just assume I was rotten at the core and everything made sense. All I had to do was cover up this ugly, nasty, dirty little child with good things and everything would be ok. When I had finally covered him up enough, everyone would love me. Until then, no one could. Everyone would hate me if they knew me. Everytime I wasn't perfect was a chink in my armor.
I used to make spaceships out of blankets as a kid. I was obsessed with making sure there were no holes in it. Every seam had to be sealed, every blanket had to touch the ground or overlap the other blankets and "walls" of the ship... otherwise the air would escape. Any light coming in meant I wasn't safe.
My perfectionism was the same. Airtight. Mistakes were intolerable, because they might let light in. Someone would see me-- and then they'd all hate me... you'd all hate me... like I hated me.
Remember the glasses? the ones that made the world upside down? the ones I got used to?
I took them off this morning.
I'm physically ill. The world is turning-- I can feel it. I see the world as it is, and, consequently, finally see how wrong, how blinded I have been.
Learning to see again is going to take time. I can put the glasses on again and function normally, but it's going to take a long time with them off to readjust. I'm trying to leave them off as much as possible, because I don't want to waste another minute of my life looking through my old eyes.
Meanwhile, like the subjects in the experiment, I am completely disoriented by looking at the real world. It's debilitating. I can't act, can't choose. I am stunned and awed and frightened.
Equally debilitating in all the same ways is assessing the damage. I am still cataloging all of the ways I've suffered, that my life has been wrecked. I am looking over this vast expanse of ruins which I have heretofore ignored completely. How could I not have seen it? Why did I wait till now to do something about it?
It's scary... taking the time and energy to deal with this is daunting. It's like contemplating being the first person to go on a private space mission: something that you just have to do because you have the opportunity to do it, but it's incredibly dangerous, exposed, and fragile. So much can go so wildly wrong... and you have no control. Once you start, you are just along for the ride.
I was considering the risk for a bit, thinking about my responsibilities to my wife, to my kids, even to my parents (that's a laugh!) when I heard a small child shout (audibly, I swear) "you have a responsibility to me!". I think that might have been what they would call my inner child. I never believed I had one. I still can't see him, but I think he's there, now. I've buried him for so long, I wonder if he'll be able to thank me if and when I get him out?
I'm sure some of you are concerned and some of you may see this as a cry for help or attention. Don't be and it's not. It's just a cry of emotion. The world is spinning. I've been looking at it upside down for nearly my entire life, and certainly as long as I can remember. I'm shocked, amazed, and hurting.
But I'm still standing... and I'll be ok.
Posts: 3846 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Glad to hear that you've gotten to this point. It's a fairly frightening place to be, but it sounds like you're on a path to a much more plesant existance. One really great thing is that the process of getting to a good place is much less terrifying than it looks from where you probably are right now.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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Change -- even (maybe especially?) change that will be GOOD -- is SCARY! We like our walls, our cocoons, our safe-seeming little worlds.
But a plant enclosed too tightly by walls withers and dies, and a butterfly that stays bound in its cocoon dies.
Learning to grow and reach for the sun, learning to fly -- you are doing that now. And I rejoice for you. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Jim, that sounds just like what I went through a year ago. It took me about nine months to feel confident about who I am again. You put it very well, though.
If I've been ill my whole life, how can I live with all the choices that are the sum total of that? Well, I don't really have a lot of choice.
I became very critical of what I allow to influence my reality for a time. Not just complaining, but selective.
Anyway, welcome to your little inner dude!
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I read this thread earlier today, and I didn't know quite what to say. I still don't know what to say, but I can't let your post go without a response, TAK. I applaud your courage to take the glasses off and face a reality different from what you had previously known. *big hug*
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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