posted
This idea comes after three events happened, all within a week.
Recently I was having a conversation with a friend who was very depressed. He said he often felt useless and that his life was pointless and going nowhere. I asked him why, and (reluctantly- it took more than an hour) he admitted to me that he was a virgin, and was terrible with girls.
I was somewhat taken aback. Not because he was a virgin, but because this kid got a 1520 on his SAT's and currently carries around a GPA of about a 3.8. He's a good kid and knows his stuff, maybe he's a little antisocial, but he's going places in the world. High places.
Let's move on from here. My response to him is incorporated in my overall resolution.
Next we have another friend of mine, a girl. I won't be discrete here. This girl gets around. She's a gorgeous girl (seriously- I carried a crush for her for more than a year), but she's also very neurotic and impulsive. Smart, nice, but maybe that's the problem. Maybe too nice. I don't try to judge her lifestyle, but I usually do anyway. She says she's empowered, I say (privately) that she's not empowered, she's just making herself a tool for whichever guy she's drunk around. She's a messed up kid, I'll be honest.
This girl was also depressed. Her problem was that she was not in a happy or steady relationship. However, she remained adamant that eventually she would find the right person and then she would live happily ever after. I didn't say anything to her; I kept my own thoughts private, but I'll discuss them later.
The last factor in my theory is a class I've been taking recently. It's Women's Literature in the Early Americas, and I'm taking it because, well, it was the only class available that filled a section of my Honors requirements. The class is all girls, many of them lesbians, but I don't have a problem with that. For the past few weeks we've been discussing the place of women in America, but also the meaning of what "woman" is; for example, many people do not fall into such simple categories. One of the big themes in the class is that sex is biological, but gender is subjective. Essentially, there's more than one gender and each person has to assemble what this means to themselves, but society is often oppressive to any gender that doesn't fit the cookie-cutter mold. Many of the girls were passionate about the way they felt about these things, relating their own dissatisfied anecdotes to the stories and critiques that we're reading, and the issues we tackle range from housewives to homosexuals. I found myself growing more and more disconsolate with the class, much as how I've become more and more disconsolate with myself and my friends, but I couldn't exactly say why.
Then I figured it out.
Does any of this really matter?
Is it just me, or are we a society that is entirely too preoccupied with sex? I mean, for example, when you're having a mature conversation with someone and mention a feeling of loneliness or depression, the first things these people say are "Are you dating anyone?" or "How's your love life?" or, simply put, "When's the last time you had sex?" I've had uncles tell me that if they had one wish they wished they were young and wild again. Have fun in college. Sew a few wild oats. I smiled and nodded and told them I'd do my best. I'd be wild, I'd be wild as hell.
And for the longest time I agreed with the general public. Moral Book said that what mattered in life was who you spent it with, and how, completely on a romantic level. Amoral Book said having sex was great and we should all really do it more often, preferably with me, if you could but dig it.
However, after a while I came to something of a crisis of conscience, which was suprising because a lot of the evidence dictated that I didn't seem to have one. But apparently I did, hiding somewhere at the back of my skull.
I thought to myself, maybe sex isn't the answer. Sex or love, at least love in the way contemporary society sees it. Maybe this is all just plain retarded.
Since when did sexuality become such a huge part of our identities? Since Freud? Longer? Did Freud simply pick upon a deep problem with us? I wondered, when did sex become the universal answer to everything? When did your love life become your key to happiness? When did who you were actively screwing, to put it bluntly, become the most important damn thing in the universe?
When did sex replace purpose? What ever happened to accomplishment? It seems today that the reason one goes out to get a job is to get an apartment and a car in order to attract a mate, and that's it. What ever happened to doing something in the world? Trying to change things? Trying to contribute? Maybe the reason a lot of people are unhappy is that they're ordering their lives around things that are contingent entirely upon other things.
So I found myself saying to my friend that sex didn't matter. At all. Sex was not the point of life. Maybe he should care about other things.
To the girl I asked (in my head), "When have any of your relationships ever made you happy for more than a matter of weeks? Or days, even? What if there is not THE right person out there for you? Consider that. You are destined to be alone romantically for the rest of your life. Does that make your life entirely pointless? Is that really what you think?"
I looked around at my friends and found that they thought similar things. Relationships are the scores by which we grade our lives. And so I looked around some more, and thought, and then I decided, one again quite bluntly (and for that I apologize), "There are more important things going on in life than just our dicks."
I'd like to say that I'd go to the church to find this sort of, let's say, completion, but the church is also highly involved in the sexual sphere. It goes deep. Many tenets of faith are based around the bedroom, and I think that' pretty ridiculous. It's just putting more stress on the sex life, that's all. Does anyone else here think it's ridiculous that one of the big themes of both religions and political parties is the question of sexuality? Aren't there more important things to worry about? Isn't what you've done in your life more important that who you're doing?
Maybe the way to look at sex is not that it's amoral and should be controlled (as many churches do), or that it's a beautiful thing (as many modern people do- hell, it's only beautiful for little while, and then the romance leaves), but instead that it's irrelevent. It's a hobby, a habit. Sometimes a bad one. Fundamentally, who's going to care ten years from now who you were dating or having sex with? Hell, who's going to care ONE year from now? When you grow old and your libido drops dramatically, is your life then immediately meaningless? Wouldn't you much rather see a community that you've developed and contibuted to, or an ideal that you've fought for, or a life you've helped influenced? Isn't this pleasure far more long-lasting, far more true? Wouldn't you rather have done something with your life? Let's ask someone this question: would you be a wonderful fifth grade teacher, one who truly gets to these kids and changes the way they think and work, changes everything about them for the better, but you would have to be alone? Most would probably say no. A life of mediocrity is preferrable to a chaste life of accomplishment.
I'm not saying that we should be workaholics instead of sexaholics. I'm saying that maybe we should think about accomplishing something in this life instead of simply indulging ourselves. I think back to the days of priests and nuns and monks and wonder if maybe they weren't simply trying to repress something that we now know to be beautiful- maybe they just understood what really mattered. Life is short, dammit. You shouldn't have to spend it caring what you or anyone else does in bed.
That's why I think of today as the adolescent society, because from the ages of 15 to 30 (50 if you're a man) the only thing that really matters to you is screwing. Finding the girl in your school who puts out. Tying to land a man. I can't help but think, "What a waste of time." Besides, isn't it much more likely that you're going to find someone worth spending time with when you're working with other people trying to do good in the world instead of at some bar? And do you really have to have sex with someone to have a family? Are your kids the only way you can influence the world? We kill people over who they're having sex with. We beat them to death. We brag about it at bars, we torture ourselves over it, we tear ourselves to pieces and pump ourselves up and drift on it like a drug. It's everything to us. And I don't think it should be anymore. At least, not to me. I won't have my life being decided by something so fickle, so contingent, so mercurial. Love does not conquer all, and it is not forever. If I meet a girl who's decent and understanding, someone who cares about the things I do, that's great. But I won't go out of my way to find her, and I won't rip myself to shreds if I don't, not when I could be fixing things that I think are wrong. Not when there are things and people to fight for.
Maybe that's part of it. Maybe that sense of community has been bred out of people today. Maybe that's what's missing. Maybe now all we care about is ourselves.
But maybe I'm just sick of college life. I look around and think that in the future, I wouldn't want to still be friends with these people. I'd want to be doing something. I want to be doing something for people now, but I just pounded this little theory out in class and I had to get it out of my system. It's a weird feeling to have something hit you like that.
I just think maybe it's better to come home with the thought "I did something today" is far superior to "I did someone today."
[ September 20, 2004, 12:46 PM: Message edited by: Book ]
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I dunno. The highest rated TV shows (Such as Friends or ER) relate entirely around relationships and sex.
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Could it possibly be due to the overwhelming compelling drive to procreate found everywhere in Nature and that the age group you are describing is actually the most fertile, and the fact that we are in a way thwarting nature? (Especially those in a University who do mostly postpone procreation until a later point in their lives even if they are having sex.) I mean theoretically humans as a species have found ways to "rise above" primordial urges, but I have my doubts at times. Lust is a powerful thing.
AJ (Would a salmon swim upstream to mate and die if it had any choice in the matter?)
posted
This is the reason why people have said premarital sex is dangerous for society. It's a drug, of sorts, and people come to think it solves far more than it actually does.
Posts: 2432 | Registered: Feb 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Those are cool thoughts. It's true. It's not worth it to spend all your time pining over someone and thinking that they can complete you when you can complete yourself and in the process, end up with more than just a casual #$@$ every now and again... Very good points. But, man, is the gravity of those particular parts of the body strong though... Still, it's ridiculous for people to feel worthless because they haven't had sex. I know I struggle with that a bit... But, on other days I think, it will happen when it happens. It just gives me a chance to learn to push myself out of my shell a bit in more ways than one... But, it would be nice, as you said, if people put more energy into trying to make society better instead of just getting laid every 5 seconds with useless people who will toss them aside seconds later.
Posts: 9942 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
While I agree with your overall premise (that teenagers place too much importance on sex/relationships in their lives), I would like to point out that for the two examples you give, there is quite a bit of difference, as far as "does it matter" in the future.
quote:Fundamentally, who's going to care ten years from now who you were dating or having sex with? Hell, who's going to care ONE year from now?
For the guy who is still a virgin -- he can remain that way for many years and receive no stigma. In fact, if he enters into his mid or late 20s and meets the "perfect woman", she will admire the fact that he kept his virginity for her.
But for the girl who had several sexual relationships, she will find that she might be shunned by some suitors because of her past. They may not know right away -- but usually once you have entered into a more serious relationship and are really sharing your deepest emotions with another, you do reveal things about your past that you feel obligated to let them know. If Mr. Perfect finds out she used to be a sleep-around, in a very real way he might hold that against her or even dump her altogether.
quote:That's why I think of today as the adolescent society, because from the ages of 15 to 30 (50 if you're a man) the only thing that really matters to you is screwing.
Hmm. Not that I don't think that sex is great, but it's definitely not the only thing that matters to me. At least not since I got married. I don't remember how I thought about things before I was married. It's sort of hazy. Anyway, I like to think I have more tools in the old toolbox than a hammer.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I liked how you pointed out that the church doesn't help the problem by their emphasis on NOT having sex in certain situations and the super-specialness of HAVING sex in certain situations.
It's like trying very hard NOT to think about something--you know it's all you can think about.
Come on everybody, DON'T think about monkeys in tutu's. Go ahead. Don't think about it. Okay, maybe that's not a good example. I find it fairly easy NOT to think about that.
quote:For the guy who is still a virgin -- he can remain that way for many years and receive no stigma. In fact, if he enters into his mid or late 20s and meets the "perfect woman", she will admire the fact that he kept his virginity for her.
But for the girl who had several sexual relationships, she will find that she might be shunned by some suitors because of her past. They may not know right away -- but usually once you have entered into a more serious relationship and are really sharing your deepest emotions with another, you do reveal things about your past that you feel obligated to let them know. If Mr. Perfect finds out she used to be a sleep-around, in a very real way he might hold that against her or even dump her altogether.
I speak from experience.
On the other hand, my wife has expressed her relief that I came to the relationship sexually experienced, both because I've had the opportunity to have enough sex for it not to be some mysterious, unknown quantity, as well as the physical skill I bring to it (I know, I know, you can learn together--sure, that's true, but she didn't mind not going through that process with me). I feel the same way about her. I wouldn't have *not* started dating her if she'd been a virgin, but I'm glad that she wasn't.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think it's just a case of matching up values. If it's important to someone to stay a virgin until they're married, then it is logical that they would want to marry a virgin as well. If it's not important to someone to stay a virgin until they're married, then it is logical that they would probably prefer someone who is also not a virgin (or wouldn't care at all).
That's not to say that there couldn't be some crossover, of course.
What REALLY annoys me is when someone has a lot of sex partners and then EXPECTS to marry a virgin.
posted
To not be alone in life is not a question of sex, necessarily. For me, the frightening thought of living my life totally alone is not that I'd lack sex. It's that I'd lack true companionship.
Friends are great. I have wonderful friends. But what I yearn for is a companion of highest quality and compatability. Compatability on the scale of interests, personality, humor, as well as the physical.
Some people are wrapped up in sex. And I'm not going to necessarily call them wrong or misguided. No one thing is going to screw you up for good, or ruin your life (what, suicide?). We're different people who live life in different ways. And I find that wonderful.
Posts: 1261 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
Pastor Dan actually did a whole sermon on sex one time. He was saying God intended it as a bond between a couple, a way to strengthen the commitment they've made to each other. That it's a reward for the hard work the couple has put into keeping their relationship healthy. I thought it was a nice blend of when and why sex is appropriate with just a dash of why it's not good outside of marriage.
Book, here's my favorite response to teens lamenting about sex. "If sex was as wonderful as everyone carries on about, no one would ever get anything done. We'd all be busy having sex all the time."
Posts: 2283 | Registered: Dec 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
It's sex and sexuality as part of your identity that troubles me most. A sex life isn't anything to base your entire life around. Talking with people my own age about this stuff makes me feel old.
EDIT: The real question that I think needs to be answered is, "When did sexuality replace purpose?"
[ September 20, 2004, 03:22 PM: Message edited by: Book ]
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Incorporating sex and sexuality as a part of your identity is quite a bit different from basing your entire identity on sex and sexuality.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
::shrug:: I think letting any one part of you make up the majority (in the 51+ percent sense of the word) of your identity is not a great idea. People should be more balanced. But I think most people are more balanced. That's just my opinion, though.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I'd venture to guess that part of your frustration comes from being in college, and thus surrounded by people who are still engaged in working out this aspect of themselves and their lives, to the point of being very preoccupied with it. Personally, I'm polyamorous and enjoy close, loving, and yes, sexual relationships with several people, but I still wouldn't say my sexuality is the majority of who I am. Hopefully, as people grow up, they become less preoccupied with who's shagging whom and sex assumes a more balanced, less pervasive place in their lives.
Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
What of the age-old joke that men are always thinking about sex? C'mon guys, prove it right or wrong?
Posts: 1261 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think maybe part of my frustration also comes from that I fit the bill exactly as to what the average college guy was supposed to be like, and now I'm wondering if that was a good idea or not, because I wonder if my grades suffered because of it.
Posts: 2258 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well...a little late for that now, wouldn't you say? At least you've learned that particular lesson, learned it very well judging by your essay in the first post. What's done is done, we just try to learn from our mistakes well enough not to repeat them. The first half of my last semester in college I got so obsessed with trying to get into one particular person's pants that anything resembling reason and good sense flew completely out the window. It was really pretty pathetic, I'm embarrassed when I think back on it. As soon as that person was removed from my environment, I came to my senses and salvaged my schoolwork enough to pass my classes and graduate on time. To this day I really don't know what it was about him that made me completely lose it; maybe he gives off stupid-making pheromones Posts: 957 | Registered: Aug 2002
| IP: Logged |
I really liked your post. I especially like your emphasis on people needing to find purpose in their lives, and many mistakenly believe that they can find that purpose through sex. But there's one thing that I thinking your missing. You equate relationships with sex, and assume that people shouldn't expect to find meaning in them.
quote: Wouldn't you rather have done something with your life? Let's ask someone this question: would you be a wonderful fifth grade teacher, one who truly gets to these kids and changes the way they think and work, changes everything about them for the better, but you would have to be alone? Most would probably say no. A life of mediocrity is preferrable to a chaste life of accomplishment.
Forming meaningful bonds with people does provide meaning. While in some relationships, sex can strengthen these bonds, the end is the bond not the sex. I think your emphasis should focus more on the meaninglessness of causal sex instead of on relationships. As to your above situation, I would prefer the life of mediocrity to being alone, even if I could never have sex.
Helping society undoubtedly has its rewards, but the most meaningful things in one's life frequently are people simply because human bonds can be endlessly rewarding and beautiful.
Posts: 1947 | Registered: Aug 2002
| IP: Logged |
Arthur (A college kid)--"Sex is not a sin, not any longer." Mendax (A devil soul-shopping)--"True. In this age having sex is not a sin. Having sex badly, however, is."
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
