posted
Feel free to ignore this. It will probably be long. I just need to get it out.
I'm feeling incredibly confused these days. My life over the past year changed dramatically, both in good ways and in bad. But it was more change than any one person should be expected to handle at once. I left the US and went overseas, I moved out of my parents' house, I had two family members who died of two radically different reasons (one totally unexpected, being my fourteen year old cousin), and many other changes that contributed to throwing me entirely off base.
One thing that was holding me through the rough parts of this year was remembering the home that I had left behind, and thinking fondly of returning to it once the year is over. It's not that I didn't have a good time in Israel... on the contrary, I wanted to stay another year. But I wanted, first, to come back this summer to IN and take a rest from all the change by returning to my familiar surroundings, my house, my room, my friends, my dog... everything that I already knew, and didn't have to get acquainted with.
I returned less than two weeks ago, and nothing is as it was. I barely know my bedroom, I don't know where half the stuff is anymore, some of the stuff that's in here I don't recognize... my house feels more like a warehouse or a storage area than the house in which I lived the last five years of my life (prior to my year in Israel)... my circle of friends is completely falling apart -- half my friends aren't speaking to the other half, and I barely know where I stand anymore. I wanted to come back to tight familiar surroundings, and instead, I'm in a community I barely recognize after a year of being away. This is especially painful as I had finally started to build another familiar community in Israel, and a circle of friends, and I left -- I felt then like I had broken it. But I was comforted on the plane ride back (where I was crying) by the thought that I'd be returning to one that had already accepted me.
Another thing is that I know I've changed a lot this year. I know it's not just everything else, but that I've changed dramatically. I realize that. And somehow I still expected everything to be the same. What an idiot. I just feel like I'm constantly in between stages, I'm constantly moving, I'm never in one emotional state long enough to be able to get to know it... my life feels very nomadic, at the moment.
Right now I'm sitting in my room, and there's stuff everywhere (I made a desperate, haphazard attempt earlier to clear out some boxes and stuff, and return my room to a semi-normal state), and I'm incredibly depressed to be in here. Right now I hate my room, I hate everything I own, and I am seriously considering taking a sleeping bag and sleeping downstairs. That is, if I had any freaking clue where my sleeping bag is.
I don't know why I posted this. I'm not really looking for sympathy, or advice... I just needed to get that out, to clear my head a little. I think I should go to bed now. Maybe everything will be a little clearer tomorrow morning. Right now I think I'm depressed a little too far out of proportion.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
The loss of that "home" feeling can be a really hard thing to deal with. I completely understand. When I joined the military, I lost all my friends from home. When I went back to get my stuff, my old house didn't seem like home. It wasn't even a pleasant place for me to be. I kept going back "home" to see if I could rekindle some of the old relationships, but it never worked out. Now, I can hardly stand to be back there. Whenever we go down for Christmas or for a wedding, it's never for more than a few days, simply because of the awkwardness.
What you're feeling is completely normal. But, the outcome is up to you.
Posts: 1660 | Registered: Jan 2000
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I told you how I understand already. I imagine just about everyone here knows what you're going through as well.
Posts: 3003 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I hope the ramble has been effective, Raia-sorry to hear about all the disarray.
Since you mentioned that you didn't particularly want sympathy or advice, I just thought I'd say your post reminded me of one of my favorite songs a couple of the lines which go, "[i]Well I'm the type a guy / that likes to roam around "
Posts: 17164 | Registered: Jun 2001
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I can relate. Switching between groups of friends and realizing that you've changed is tough, but I know you'll find a way to introduce your new self to your old friends and that things will sort themselves out.
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I think home quickly becomes whereever you are, though, if you accept it. The danger is only if you miss your past so much that you cannot accept your new, changed home. So my advice would be to go out and make yourself at home again, remake your circle of friends however your new circumstances dictate, and don't worry if it is not like the past. It won't ever be the same in some ways, of course, but I'm guessing you know that it will also in some ways turn out better.
Edit: By the way, I know exactly how you feel, which is why I have the advice I do. I can't say I have always followed it too well, though. It's not exactly easy.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
Nothing I can do from here except for (((you))). I could have said "tolja ", but since I didn't tell you, it makes no sense and it's inappropriate.
I hope it will settle in; I know that I didn't settle in to my new bedroom for about 3 weeks - and I only moved a neighbourhood and I had my parents living with me in the same house (they still live here).
Moving back must be really hard. I wish I were there with you, hopefully trying to make you feel better. But at least you know I'm always available by e-mail.
Posts: 2978 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
I never understood what people meant when they said "you can't go home again"...until I tried to go home again.
I should have gotten a clue when I went to europe for a month and a half when I was 18. Everything seemed so strange when I came back. Sure, it quickly went back to normal but it was only 6 weeks.
It's been 12 years since I left home for good. I've been back a handfull of times and while there's still an underlying "home" feeling it's... tarnished.. different... slightly alien. I suppose it means I'm as much a Californian as an Arky now.
((Raia))
Tres is right. Home becomes where you are, though it often takes time. You need to rebuild the bonds with your friends, which shouldn't be terribly difficult if you're both willing. You may be slightly different people than you were but the memory of friendship will be a foundation to rebuild on.
posted
Rambles usually help me when I'm confused or annoyed.
I moved to the US (from Canada) for college and this summer was my first summer back after three years. I was really looking forward to it - and I've enjoyed most of it. However, I've recently found that I don't really like my family much. Geese, that sounds horrible. I guess it's more that I can't stand how my family treats each other - nobody seems particularly nice any more.
Most of my old friends don't even seem like the same people anymore. I'd bet that they'd say the same thing about me. I guess moving and coming back can be a very difficult experience.
Posts: 367 | Registered: Apr 2004
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I had recently feel a depressed like that. This year was the first of my active life. First real job, first salary, first appartment just for me, first lonely life. The autonomy in one word. I quit the study life and the all-the-time community life. This solitude made me mad. I need contact, i need speak with people, i need be with somebody. With a friend (to say right, the girl i was in love), we called that the 25 years old crisis. Sometime it was very hard. Sometime i dislike my life. Sometime i hate me. But, sometime, one friend take my arm and help me to go a head again and again.
Raia, don't forget we are here. That's why you have writen this post : you know you have people who can hear you and who love you.
posted
Thanks guys. Really, just posting this made me feel a little better. Chungwa, it's true what you said... rambling clears my head some. I know some days it's harder than others, but that's just something I have to live with, I guess. Anyway, thanks for listening. I'll get over it, I promise.
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I felt that way, and sometimes still do, whenever I go back to MI. I moved here to New England when I was 18, and I hated it. I met a lot of great people here that I am proud to know, and I got married....but it took a long time for me to let go of what I was missing.
Until you let go, you can't move forward.
Funny thing is that I never really had it, ever. I was 18, and knew a lot about a lot of things . . . and nothing at all about some of the most important things of all. It took me years to realize that all I was doing was holding myself back by not accepting my current situation.
I still hate MA though, which is why Jenni has an audition for Disney next month. I don't like the heat, adn I don't mind snow, but anywhere has to be better than here in MA, IMO.
I want to made a new home for my wife and me, and for the children we want to have, even if that home is days away from everything I have ever known. Perhaps that is the best part, and the worst..we will have very little in common with our new surroundings, so it is a clean slate down there. My best friend lives there, adn there aer some great Hatrackers close to where we want to live, but no close family...
It is weird...my parents are retiring next month, and moving back to MI, and this will be the worst part about it...I am close to my family, although I wasn't always, and I will mis them horribly....
But I am still excited for them, and for Jenni and I to move.
I am hugging you just because it seems to be vogue not because you need it! This is a huge opportunity! Look around you, you probably have stuff from you Grandfather and Cousin, stuff from Isreal and your old life, it is like trait transcription, snip off what you want to keep and what you need and make your new, better world from the pieces of the old. Picture your new grown up room, choose your new circle of friends with your new perspective and assemble them with due care. You just need to think about who you want to be and ask yourself what that person wears, who they hang out with and so forth. If you have grown then so too must your life change, but there is certain to be ample material for you to build with around you, things you never even included in your life before.
quote:Picture your new grown up room, choose your new circle of friends with your new perspective and assemble them with due care. You just need to think about who you want to be and ask yourself what that person wears, who they hang out with and so forth.
I disagree with this one particular piece of advice. Don't be careful with whom you make friends. Instead be friends with whomever you come across and whomever will be friends in return. If you try to plan out who to be friends with you will miss out on a lot of amazing people who you might not imagine becoming friends with at first.
And don't alter your clothing or your friends to become like who the person you want to be. That just makes you a person acting like whatever image they have of the person they want to be. Instead, just BE the person you want to be - then whatever you happen to already be wearing will already be what the person you want to be wears, because the person you want to be is you. This entails doing and believing in the things you want to do and believe in, not just dressing like you do or choosing friends that would suggest you do.
Posts: 8120 | Registered: Jul 2000
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posted
I'm kind of going through something similar, I guess. I moved out to TX, and hated it. I'm just getting used to it, and all of a sudden we're moving back.
Now, all of a sudden, I realize all the things I'll miss, and how much will be different back "home". But at least I get to make a new start with a husband and baby instead of moving back with my parents (although I will stay with my mom the first week or so.)
(((hugs))) You know what? It's okay to cry and whine and grump if you need to. And we're here for you. Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I don't have a home, at least not in the sense of going back home. There is no place that holds a specific childhood home-ness to me. The closest place would be Pilot Mountain, NC, since I still have some family there, and that is where I lived longest growing up, but I haven't lived there since I was nine years old. When I go back to visit it doesn't feel like "home". It feels more like a feeling of confirmation that what memories I do have from that time in my life actually have a corresponding location in the physical world. But I feel that way about UT, KY, CA, VA, TX, and even when I go back to Eager Street in Baltimore, where I lived for 10 years before moving to PA 11 months ago. I imagine I'd feel that way visiting Brazil or Korea, too.
Right now, "home" is where ever Chris is.
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