posted
I'm not asking for advice, per se, but I'm interested in the commonness of the experience I'm going through with a friend.
This is a very, very intelligent girl who was part of my close-knit college friend group, associated with the music department. She was also, like me, an English major as well as a musician. She has always been an odd person, like all of us to some extent. Her parents live in Japan, so it's just her on her own in the States, and for a long time she carried on a secretive relationship with another student we all knew. He was a jerk, dismissive, seemingly emotionally abusive, or at least uncaring, and eventually he ended the relationship when he moved away after graduation, but she was very dependent on him. This was a year ago.
She has always been secretive, unknowable in a lot of ways. She would keep the most amazing secrets, like her relationship, and never mention their existence, even though we all knew- if it was mentioned, she would keep it so close to the vest, she would never give anything away.
So come to the present, she had been in Japan, in contact with her old friends online, for the past year or so. Then she disappeared 3 months ago. We got word through one friend that she had called and was in the States again, and in the town where some of her college friends still are. Her phone quickly filled up with messages, and was never answered, though it's still active. Her facebook went unattended for months, as did her blog and her myspace. Her parents couldn't be reached, since she'd never provided anyone with their contact information.
I had begun in the past few weeks, to receive calls from other concerned friends asking about her, as it is a close nit group. One friend called and told me that he had cosigned with her on a small loan of a few thousand dollars, and that the bank had come back on him for nearly the full amount, unpaid for 5 months. It was only the seemingly intermittent and secretive contact with her ex-boyfriend in southern california that kept everyone up here from filing police reports. He would simply assure us that she was fine, but we would always hear about it through a friend of a friend, that she has been seen or had contacted someone.
So finally, after leaving her long facebook messages and emails, she emailed me directly tonight. She didn't say where she was, but expressed the desire to meet in person, and hoped that I would forgive her for worrying me and everyone else. I wrote back right away and agreed to meet or talk on the phone any time, as I had before in my messages.
I remember reading about this kind of behavior with post-college age people before. The case of Chris Mccandless, of "Into the Wild," is one I read with fascination- and that aspect of the story never really comes across in the film. He really, deliberately, shut down his connection with his whole former life.
I worry that she could be mentally unstable, that she might be emotionally disturbed, she might be in trouble, as the non-payment of the loan suggests, with the law, or with creditors, or who knows what. I know that given my personality and the group's dynamic, I shouldn't be surprised that she would come to me first. But I wonder if this is another measure for her to maintain some boundaries- she contacts me in the dead of night to waylay the search, and then never follows up.
Anybody had a friend do a 180 out of college like this? It's hard for me to pin down the issue with her. I know she may be depressed, but she keeps these things very close to the vest. She's really, in some ways, very narcissistic- not attention seeking, but always alone with her thoughts and feelings, always immune to opinion.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I had several friends who did this, including myself, though few of us went to the extent that she did (with the unpaid loan and such.)
While the loan situation is wrong of her, she does have every right to disappear if she wants to. If she's doing it to get away and be alone, then let her and don't waste too much energy trying to contact her. If she's doing it for attention (hence the "dead of night" contact) then you certainly shouldn't be throwing of oodles of concern. Send the occasional email or text message but then let her come out of hiding when she's ready.
Many of the people I knew who disappeared did it for mental health reasons but they wouldn't seek help until THEY were ready to get help.
Posts: 1733 | Registered: Apr 2005
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posted
This sounds a lot like my experiences over the last 10 years or so, particularly after my divorce. My friend Trevor and his family were pretty much the only reason I kept in touch with anyone, outside of my parents and my daughter.
Posts: 3354 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Well, now the google ad is for "the Lesbian Test." I'm not even a chick.
No TL, she's a long time friend who I don't think of in that way. I think at any given time in knowing someone of the opposite sex, your feelings for them will inhabit some range of a spectrum between the romantic and platonic. For her, my feelings started slightly toward the former, and permanently shifted toward the latter after not very long. That is often how long friendships start, and sometimes how they end, if the process reverses.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I've had a very similiar experience except that I was in love with the girl. She was with some other guy at the time and basically just stopped going to school for an entire month. There were rumours floating around that she had ran away but it turned out she was just chilling at her house the whole time. I guess she just needed a break from all the stress junior year had been causing her, and when she came back she was fine, although she broke up with her old boyfriend and me and her are now dating.
Posts: 1158 | Registered: Feb 2006
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posted
You say she has always been "secretive, unknowable in some ways"; I don't know how things were with your group of friends, but it doesn't sound like her more recent behavior is necessarily that big of a change, perhaps just a deepening of that private nature now that the closeness of college no longer makes the revelation of one's private life inevitable.
I do agree, however, that if the only person she seems to be in contact with is an ex-boyfriend your friends considered borderline abusive, that's troubling. As is the business with the loan, of course.
Posts: 3826 | Registered: May 2005
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quote:I do agree, however, that if the only person she seems to be in contact with is an ex-boyfriend your friends considered borderline abusive, that's troubling. As is the business with the loan, of course.
*points up*
What Sterling said. Especially that last part.
Posts: 21182 | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
I've had this happen to me... my best friend and I got had an incident, should have been isolated, that resulted in him disapearing...not answering calls nor emails. I still have word of him from his cousin, but he refuses to patch things up.
When this happens it really sucks... but it takes two to tango and you can't force someone to be around you. Sometimes you just have to let them go... it's kinda like a death (but the killer is the very person leaving), but whatcha gonna do. (Though I'm all for a little tough love and not letting people get away scott free without words spoken)
Posts: 4953 | Registered: Jan 2004
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posted
One of my best friends has a severe case of wanderlust. He went to some college, got out, took a trip to Europe, had his return ticket stolen, stuck around in Rome for about a year, was homeless, malnourished and drugged up, and was deported. I've talked to him once since then; the medication he says that he is on seems necessary, and that the combination of his experiences has left him mentally deteriorated.
When he was gone, I had no idea what was going on, with only his sister to tell me that she had intermittent contact with him. It sounds like she probably needed to get away, and at least she isn't homeless in another country. I know this anecdote isn't completely compatible, but it reminded me of my friend.
Posts: 368 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
At this point, from what I gather, my friend is very possibly homeless in California. Albeit, homeless among people she knows, as she is rumored to be with friends, and had initially asked to stay with a mutual friend, who couldn't accommodate her.
Posts: 9912 | Registered: Nov 2005
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posted
I felt an extreme pull to do a Mccandless after graduating. Luckily, I got into another school. Otherwise, none of you would have heard from me since last May.
Sounds like she's a twentysomething in search of herself. I hope she's finding some direction or some happiness.
Posts: 1314 | Registered: Jan 2006
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