posted
If you wish to send an entry, please send to smokingman@gmail.com
If you send it to the one in my profile, no prob, I'll get it too, but will be less organized, so smokingman@gmail.com is best.
4 points for a critique and a guess 2 points for a guess and a rationale 2 more points if your guess with a critique/rational is correct 1 point for critiquing yourself -10 points for a guess without rationale or critique
Once you have a critique down, you get points for it. If you make a rational guess, but are incorrect you have to do a rational again, or at least say "for same reasons I stated before". You do not get points for a critique or rational for saying "what he said". You have to at least say what that person said in your own words for credit.
You can critique your own work for one point, but you can not give away you are the author. If you want, you can try to be sneaky and guess other people, with a rational, but you won't get points for it.
Heres the Guess list (not all names are entries):
Astaril Advice For Robots Annie BannaOJ Beatnix Belle Bob_Scopatz Brinestone Celia Chris Bridges Da_Goat Dan_Raven Dante dkw Dragon eslaine Eaquea Legit Elizabeth Icarus imogen Irami JamGodJeff JaneX jeniwren Jenny Gardener Jon Boy Kat Kwea LadyDay LadyDove Leonide Little_Doctor Ludosti Mackillian Morbo Noemon Nick Orange7Penguin Papa Moose Pooka/Trisha quidscribis Raia Rivka Ryuko Sarahdipity SarcasticMuppet Saxon75 ScottR sndrake Strider T_Smith Teshi The Pixiest Troubadour TomDavidson Twinky
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
When Harry took that last flight up, I was so used to his successes that by the time he was only a speck in the sky, Jenny and I were already sitting down together with drinks from the SS cafeteria. Back then, the coffee came in paper cups and the apple juice was from concentrate and diluted. We were sipping our drinks and talking about a movie Jenny wanted to see with Harry, of all things. And then Marcus came in and told us that there had been an accident.
“An accident?” I asked, but I was thinking, He’s dead.
“He… collided with something. That’s all he had a chance to say before-”
Now, I can’t even stand the smell of mocha cappuccinos.
He was very kind, very gentle. Marcus was always like that, especially after that day, especially with Jenny. He took Jenny and me though the swing doors into the communications centre where everyone there, the other pilots, the technicians, were silent.
“Tell me again what happened,” I asked.
Posts: 9754 | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think the author is male. (I'm not precisely sure why.) The piece is technically quite good, but too short to get much of a feel for. A bit disjointed, but I think that effect might be deliberate -- to go with the speaker's chaotic emotions.
This is someone who does have strong associations between memories and scents. So IIRC correctly, that rules out Tom and Porter.
Uh . . . Papa Moose?
The Long Gone But Not Forgotten Already-Guessed List! Papa Moose Elizabeth BannaOj
Okay, first of all, I really like this piece- I think it's kind of catchy. I want to know what happened and what happens next! Oh, I really like the mocha capaccino line, by the way.
However, I do have a few quibbly things that I think you could improve on (well of course, I always do )
quote:When Harry took that last flight up, I was so used to his successes that by the time he was only a speck in the sky, Jenny and I were already sitting down together with drinks from the SS cafeteria.
This sentence is a bit long but I think its major problem is that second comma. I don't think you need it:
quote:...by the time he was only a speck in the sky Jenny and I were already sitting down together...
I'm pretty sure you don't need it, anyway. You'll have to get a grammar expert on it. ANother place I think needs grammar fixing is:
quote: He took Jenny and me though the swing doors into the communications centre where everyone there, the other pilots, the technicians, were silent.
I don't think what you've got is wrong, just a tiny bit confusing . I would write this as:
quote: He took Jenny and me though the swing doors into the communications centre where everyone there- the other pilots, the technicians- were silent.
I think that makes sure the "the other pilots...technicians" bit doesn't throw the reader off the meaning of the sentence.
Other than that, I agree that the general length and style of your sentences is kind of choppy, although perhaps as rivka said it's intended to be like that. It's not a huge problem, at least. Overall 'tis very good .
EDIT: I forgot to guess, darnit!
Unlike rivka, I'm not so sure this is male, although I don't think it's definately female, either.
I have no idea, so I'm going to guess, erm, Elizabeth.
posted
In the second paragraph, you build and let off the suspense too soon. If she's thinking he's dead already, then Marcus doesn't get to drop the bomb in the next paragraph. In fact, the narrator thinking he's dead leads the reader to think he isn't.
I know you already called it Harry's last flight, but I think you still need to take the reader through the wringer a bit. The classic "show don't tell" would work best here. Marcus appearing at the door and standing there silently for a minute. They exchange looks. By this time, the narrator knows what happened, but Marcus says something like "He...collided with something" to clue the reader in. Just a little less on the moment so that it can dawn on the reader.
I am going to guess BannaOj on this one.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
The excerpt here doesn't allow much to go on emotionally. Out of context, as it is, the protagonist seems rather flat in his revelation that Harry is probably dead. This makes him seem too emotionless over this person dying. Is Harry a close friend? An enemy? We've obviously known Harry long enough to know that he is usually successful at... piloting (?) (I don't know, I can only guess.) What is there seems okay, I did read through it, but I can't really make any judgements about the excerpt because there isn't enough of it. Although, I would rather have SS spelled out. I keep thinking of Nazis, but that's just me.
Hazard a guess? Sure, why not. How about Icarus?
Posts: 1843 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I like it, though the sentence construction could use some work. The first sentence is a bit awkward. I had to read it several times to get the meaning. I don't like the phrase, "of all things", but in the context, I suppose it makes sense. It's trying a bit too hard.
I like very much the scent associations. I also like the slight distraction of noticing how Marcus was, being gentle with them both, especially Jenny. I think those are the sorts of things you notice, that you say to yourself, when you're under a great deal of sudden stress. It rang true for me.
My guess is Dan_Raven.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I agree that the sentence construction needs work.
quote:He was very kind, very gentle.
At first I thought this sentence was about Harry. I had to read it again to see that the narrator is referring to Marcus. It's pretty passive too.
Might be helpful to go back through the piece and notice how many times "was" and "were" are used. I think this piece could use some punching up of the verbs.
quote:but I was thinking, He’s dead.
I agree, this needs to go.
quote:Now, I can’t even stand the smell of mocha cappuccinos.
I don't think this sentence belongs. For one thing, it's the first time mocha cappucinos are mentioned. In the first paragraph, we have a description of bad coffee and weak apple juice. So now this feels completely out of place. It doesn't fit in with the image we were given of the cafeteria - it doesn't sound to me like a place where we can even get mocha cappucinos. If it is, then it needs to be mentioned before it's stuck here as a comment in a paragraph by itself.
quote:Marcus was always like that, especially after that day, especially with Jenny.
I don't like this either - this should be a tense, emotional scene - I don't like the flash forward to how Marcus treated Jenny later. Stay in the current scene.
quote:“Tell me again what happened,” I asked.
Two things - first, the narrator hasn't even been told once what happened, other than the comment about a collision. The more reasonable statement in this situation is "Tell me what happened." Secondly, change "asked" to "said". It's not really a question.
Great potential for a good dramatic scene, it just needs some refinement.
I'm going to guess.....NoemonPosts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
centre = not american, or dyslexic. Or pretentious. Since I know it's not me, I'll guess quidscribis.
I guess the main trouble I have with this is understanding whether Harry personally is a speck in the air or if he is in a plane of some kind. Also, the shifting between present and reminiscence could use some work. The line about mocha is good, but it should come either at the beginning or the end.
Posts: 2010 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
It's a nice set-up, and I like the food and drink as part of the suspense. It needs (in my verbose opinion) just a little more descriptive language. Everything is happening in such quick succession that we're not getting time to build up any emotion. This series of events could easily be twice its length.
Because it reminds me of the Cherry Tree story in style and because of the spelling of centre, I'm guessing Teshi.
posted
I'm worried about the voice. It's at the same time colloquial but not funny. I don't mind colloquial, but if it's going to be this breezy, there better be some penetrating insight really quickly or I may as well read a blog. Then again, I don't think I'm the audience. It feels like the intro to tech fiction. My main worry is that I'll find the "I" boring. The comment about the movie, and the other aspects of the scene the writer mentions aren't the kind of phenomena I find interesting.
posted
I know there wasn't much for people to critique here, but thanks all very much. Very helpful .
I tried to throw you all off the scent by being glowing yet critical but Annie was too smart for me. It's kind of nice that I write like myself though .
I've actually ahd huge issues with the cappuccino line. It was in, then out, then in, then out. I loved the idea of it, but it just did't work. Other people who read it said varying things, some people loved it, some didn't. It ended up in, in the end.
Also, this isn't the very beginning of the story. Here's a larger section:
quote: “Untune one string and hark! What discord follows: each string meets in mere oppugnancy” – Troilus and Cressida.
What Discord Follows
Harry River 1975 – 2011
At Harry’s funeral, the President laid yellow roses on the empty coffin and said that Harry’s death had not been in vain and that what he had discovered would change the face of the world for the better, forever. Then the cameras pulled back, so the world could see the coffin, the SpaceShip Center, the Californian blue sky, the hangers and the crowds. I was so very proud.
1
When Harry took that last flight up, I was so used to his successes that by the time he was only a speck in the sky, Jenny and I were already sitting down together with drinks from the SS cafeteria. Back then, the coffee came in paper cups and the apple juice was from concentrate and diluted. We were sipping our drinks and talking about a movie Jenny wanted to see with Harry, of all things. And then Marcus came in and told us that there had been an accident. “An accident?” I asked, but I was thinking, He’s dead. “He… collided with something. That’s all he had a chance to say before-” Now, I can’t even stand the smell of mocha cappuccinos. He was very kind, very gentle. Marcus was always like that, especially after that day, especially with Jenny. He took Jenny and me though the swing doors into the communications centre where everyone there, the other pilots, the technicians, were silent. “Tell me again what happened,” I asked. “He crashed into something,” Marcus said shaking his head, helpless. “We don’t know what, he didn’t know what. Nothing should’ve been there. It cracked a panel and then the explosion-” there was a long silence. I put my arm around Jenny. “Are you going to go up?” I asked. “To see what it was?” I could tell they didn’t want to; there would only be wreckage. It was a waste of fuel and a painful reminder of the tragedy, but if I couldn’t have Harry I wanted something of his ship to put in the coffin. I was thinking so practically in those first minutes, it was as if I was the funeral director, instead of the grieving spouse. “Of course,” Marcus said finally. “Thank you,” I said, as if the transaction had been made to my satisfaction and could I choose what colour flowers I wanted now? “I’m sorry,” Marcus said. “I’m so sorry.”
As you can see, you already know Harry is dead, so stringing it out any longer would be unneccesary, although I know there are phrases that jar.
You may also notice that the narrator is a woman and Jenny is her daughter. It never occured to me that it could be otherwise, but it's never stated in the passage I submitted. Huh.
It's a much longer short story I wrote based on a premise given to me by a professor for what ended up being a class in which I got to write science fiction stories (which was good for me). I liked this story a lot, but nobody liked the fact that Magda (the narrator) seemed to be emotionless. If it failed, it failed, but the disconnection was definately intended. We'r not inside her head, she's telling us this story, truthfully, but not at the moment, after the fact. I tried to rely on the exterior actions rather than the actual internal turmoil to tell the story. It was an experiment and I don't think it failed, even if it didn't succeed .
One comment I got was that the reader was moved but the teller wasn't. I liked that.
Anyway, thanks a lot for your comments everyone!
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
)![[Dont Know]](graemlins/dontknow.gif)
![[The Wave]](graemlins/thewave.gif)
