posted
I am tearing my hair out here. I haven't felt this helplessly enraged since I was probably 12 years old. It's the most unpleasant feeling ever. Tonight I wept for about 30 minutes. Just from frustration. Crying from frustration, man, it is ugly. And now it is 7 am, and all I want is to sleep, but I can't. I can't sleep. I feel such anger I'm actually punching myself in the head and saying the F word over and over again.
This is so wrong, so unbelievably wrong.
Why won't she listen to me? Is she willing to throw away our friendship over this? Over *this*?! Because that's dangerously close to happening.
Has she so surrounded herself with people who want to hurt her that she's incapable of recognizing it when someone actually cares for her and values her as a human being and hates to see her hurting herself?
COME ON, DOM!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Oh, man. What is this? What the hell is happening here? Who knew I was capable of this kind of rage? I can't believe what I'm feeling. I'm out of control. How do I get control of my emotions, here?
I'm 27 years old for God's sake.
When did I give her this power over me and why is she killing me with it?
That's it, man.
I don't think I can do this anymore. I won't. I'm not. I'm done.
posted
Why walk away from me? Why walk away from what I'm saying? What is the Goddamned source of this drama? Man, you asked me what was wrong and I told you, reluctantly, against my better judgement. Okay? You're wrong, here. You're so wrong.
You're going to shut me out of your life because I CARE ABOUT YOU?!
What the hell is wrong with people.
That's it. I'm never making another friend. It's just not worth it.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
How do I not think about you? How do I not think about the fact that you're shutting me out, refusing to deal with me, refusing to *talk* to me, after all the support I've given to you and all the sacrifices I've made and after I have helped you again and again and again and again.
Seriously. It's not enough?
It's not enough to get the benefit of the doubt for one effing conversation?
Don't do it, Dom. What you're thinking about doing is wrong. In every way. Not only is it wrong, you're putting yourself in unbelievable jeopardy if you go through with it. And you need at least one friend who is willing to tell you so.
You know how you can tell the people who really care about you? It's the ones who are willing to tell you the truth, even if you might hate them for it.
The only people who love you on this earth are me and your Mom.
Your relationship with your Mom is permanent but your friendship with me, apparently, is disposable.
I hate you right now.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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What kills me is that ....You need me. You think you don't right now but you need me. Because I'm the only person on this *earth* who ever had your best interests at heart.
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Sorry man, I've felt this recently, all the frustration that can ever be. Even after I thought I learned my lesson several times. But sometimes it hits you when you least expect it and... It sucks.
((((TL))))
I hope you manage to sleep, I really do. There's nothing worse than being wide awake and feeling there's nothing you can do about the situation. Just... don't do anything stupid. I had a scar (real one, not emotional) that recently disappeared from an episode of this kind, and I'm not going there again, not for anyone, not for anything. Be safe.
And feel free to vent here, let it all out. I've kept it in me several times and it's no good.
And yeah, you don't hate her. You won't be able to, no matter what. But you'll be grateful for that later, grateful that you didn't let hate get the best of you.
Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Isn't it a tragedy that, in the long parade of people who, in your life, have abused you, hurt you, lied to you, misused your trust over and over again, turning you into this damaged creature ... Isn't a tragedy that the one person who TRULY does love you gets shunted aside *because* he doesn't want to see you hurt? *Because* he cares about you?
Either way, try to keep in mind that people are fallible, they make dumb mistakes, they love the wrong people, they hurt the ones that love them and that in the end it's all part of their own life's journey.
The connection you feel for this person is something that is different for you than it is for her. Try to accept that and realise that whatever it is, however dumb it may seem; it's her choice and she has the right to make those choices for herself. Dumb or no.
Anyway, rant away man, I feel your pain, try to let us know what's going on, it may help.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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Understand your rage... have felt it... I watched my marriage come apart just this way one night. Thought I could heal it but turns out the wound was fatal.
Please, though, allow me to point out that you asked one VERY good question and to recommend that you track down this line when you have cooled off, because it could be very important to you (or maybe not... just going by my own similar experience here).
quote:When did I give her this power over me and why is she killing me with it?
Find out. It may be nothing for you, but it changed my life. It's worth some deep examination, though.
posted
Hey, I'm sympathetic. But I've seen the whole multi-post, passive-aggressive "but I'm the one person who cares about you" bit too often to whip out the parentheses at a drop of a hat anymore.
I know you need to vent, which is actually why I mentioned LiveJournal. And I've been there myself. But there's a very dangerous tendency to go from frustration to a sense of unrecognized entitlement, which means I'm certainly not going to encourage posts in that vein.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Well, this girl is my best friend, and we also happen to work together. We've been through a lot together. I'm not in love with her or anything; this frustration is not about being rejected romantically. I have helped her out of a lot of bad situations. Somehow she's always getting into trouble.
So now she wants money so she's going to become an escort for a disreputable escort service.
I told her the truth. It's a bad idea. It's probably not a great idea for anybody but it's an especially bad idea for her. She's been through so much shit with men, and she makes so many bad decisions. The people she lets into her life are people who continually take advantage of her and then I have to pick up the pieces.
There is an unbelievable history of all of this involving her Dad abusing her sister and her family rejecting her (except for her Mom) but her Mom's husband used to beat her and on and on and on and on....
And I always have to pick up the pieces.
I love her like a sister. I really do. So I want to support her decisions but at the same time there is nothing in this world I want more than for her to succeed, and for the love of God, to be happy. To have a peaceful life.
So I think this is a terrible, terrible idea. We had a conversation about it -- I didn't even really get too judgemental. But I suggested that it might not be safe, because the way this place operates is they say, the men are not paying the girls for sex. They are paying the girls for their time, and if the girl *chooses* to have sex with the guy, well, my my my, that's just her choice. But really it's a whole winking thing and the men are paying for sex.
So if she plans to do this and then not come across with the sex, at least one of these creeps at some point is going to become dangerous.
It's aggravation she doesn't need. She's going to be hurt, raped (again), and who is going to have to pick up the pieces (again) but yours truly.
All I want is for her to be safe. That's it. I'd do anything to see to her safety.
But she didn't like the fact that I didn't blindly support her decision, and she walked out on me, and she told me she was going to quit work so she doesn't have to see me anymore and deal with my negativity, and that's it.
After everything we've been through, I'm out of her life, just like that.
It's a horrible horrible thing for me.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Tom, I'm in pain, here. Okay? I'm not asking everyone on hatrack to come in here and give me the parantheses. But how about a little human courtesy? Don't like it, ignore it. Let me rant. For the love of God. The friendship I care about more than any other in this world just ended in the most hurtful and unfair way I can imagine.
I don't need the patented Tom Davidson smirking superiority thing from you right now.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
I won't argue with anything you said but this:
quote:Originally posted by TL: and who is going to have to pick up the pieces (again) but yours truly.
You *don't* have to. You choose to or choose not to and you cannot blame her for your being there... you put yourself there... and you can choose not to be there. Yes, it sucks. But like you said, why give her this power over you? You can't make her choose right, and she is not responsible for what you choose to put yourself through for her. I don't expect you to keep that straight right now, but again, when you've vented and can relax and think again, come back and revisit this.
posted
At some point you just have to shrug and let these kind of people go, TL. You can only do so much.
Posts: 2245 | Registered: Nov 1998
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posted
I was not in fact speaking from ignorance. I once dated a crack whore, for God's sake. I know exactly -- exactly -- how this feels.
And I did exactly the same thing you're doing now, except that I was younger and stupider and dragged it out for nine freakin' months.
The problem is this: you have been there for her, and in return you expect her gratitude and loyalty. You expect her to trust you enough to take your advice on important issues. That's not unreasonable, but it's been my experience that, in general, it's extraordinarily rare. The kind of people who are self-destructive enough to need this kind of treatment are also, when the chips are down, almost entirely self-interested; it's never "what has TL done for me," but rather "what has TL done for me lately."
And the problem here is that there are two ways to go with that: you can either keep doing things for her lately, or you can put your foot down and say, "Okay, that's it, I deserve some consideration." And either way isn't going to help.
What she needs to realize, from within her cloud of self-interest, is that it's in her own best interest to not do this. And some people take a long, long time to figure out that hitting themselves in the head with bricks might be a bad thing.
It's brutal, but I think it's for the best that you not be around to watch her learn that lesson.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
It's hard to shrug off your Dad, and let him go. It's hard to shrug off your sister, and let her go. It's hard to shrug off your wife, and let her go. It's hard to shrug off your son, and let him go. See what I'm saying?
That's the kind of love I have for her.
I mean eventually, yes, I will get over this, but at the moment I'm devastated.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Thanks for the explanation TL. That's quite a situation, not something I've ever had to deal with. There were times when friends of mine acted stupidly against my advice, but this is way more than whatever came my way.
And please calm down a little, TL, nobody here is trying to hurt you. I've seen the attitude Tom's talking about, hell, I've been the one doing that a couple of times so I understand where he's coming from. Now that you've explained the situation we understand that it's different from what we could have thought in the beginning; leave it at that.
And you do realize this is a public forum, right? If you post here, if you open your heart in moments like this chances are you'll react disproportionately to some of the comments.
Hang in there, it will pass. I hate this phrase, but it doesn't make it any less true in my experience. At one point you'll choose to walk away from someone who can't understand what you're doing for them; you'll see that you've done your best and there's nothing left to do. People do learn best from their own experiences, after all. Let's hope that your friend will understand she's wrong to do what she wants to do sooner rather than later.
Posts: 4519 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Nah. I should have elaborated. Like I said, I'm trying to cut back on inappropriately sardonic one-liners for precisely this reason. Had I elaborated at the time....My apologies.
Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
TL, before it gets lost in the shuffle, let me second Jim-Me's excellent advice. Not now, but when you get past this wave of frustration and pain, take his advice. You'll be glad you did, even if it does trigger another wave of frustration and pain when you do it.
Posts: 26071 | Registered: Oct 2003
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It sucks when your friend shoves off when you're trying to make her to do the right thing. I felt somthing similar when my friend had anorexia. I was trying to get her to stop, but she just shouted at me to mind my own business and said very nasty things to me - all the time. Stupidly, I let go. So she eventually was sent to the hospital, spent two months there, and has not overcome the trauma yet.
You know what I think? Maybe your friend is LOOKING for the victim status. She doesn't know anything else. She isn't used to lead her own life, to kick ass. I think she's seeking your attention. She wants to know you care about her. She wants you to scream at her, curse her, maybe even slap her in the face to get her to snap out of it. So other Hatrackers gave you the opposite advice, but I don't think you'll forgive yourself if you give up on her now. She's like your sister, remember? We don't give up on family that easily. Go to her place, talk with her again. Ignore her shouts, her complaints, her nasty comments. Some day she'll be grateful.
Posts: 803 | Registered: Dec 2004
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posted
TL, don't give up on her. True, you can't force her to change her decision or anything but you can still be there for her if things go wrong.
Posts: 1567 | Registered: Oct 2004
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posted
My experience pales in comparison to the experiences of others, so I'm not really in a position to offer advice, so talk this with a grain (many grains) of salt.
Your life may be better off and easier if you finally let her go, but I agree with Beanny that letting go may not necessarily be the best. She obviously needs to feel that someone truly cares for her. Even though you've repeatedly proved that to her, she still needs that assurance, even though her actions do not indicate that she wants it.
Sticking with her through this trial may or may not change her thinking or her decisions. It may cause more emotional hell for you for many years to come. Leaving the relationship (even though she's the one that left the relationship) may relieve the burdens she's placing on you, but you may end up finding yourself burdened by your own feelings of guilt for moving on with life especially if something were to happen to her. Guilt, even when it isn't justified, can be very hard to overcome. Edit: And friendship is not something that's easily replaced.
There are no easy solutions to this problem. If she learns from this experience and begins to truly appreciate the friendship that you've given her, you will never regret that decision, ever. But based on her previous decisions, there's a very good chance that she will never learn. Are you willing to sacrifice living your life and dreams for the sake of someone that doesn't even care?
Whatever decision you choose, take comfort in knowing that you have done absolutely everything that you could for her. Whether she appreciates that or not is completely her choice.
Posts: 1256 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
Wow. It tears at my heart to read this, TL - but maybe just because I wonder if I have ever, in my life, had a man feel as deeply about me as you feel about her...
I think it is awesome that you can love this deep. I know it hurts at the present, but it is great that you CAN hurt, and you can care. Feelings like this are what make us human..
posted
I slept fitfully for about 4 hours, then went in to work. She was there, so I guess she didn't quit, but she wouldn't talk to me. She pointedly avoided eye-contact and took off as soon as she could. It sucked.
So, Crow's Wife, you're Mel? That explains it. I knew you were someone from the other boards I frequent but I wasn't 100% sure.
Thanks for responding here, and thanks for saying you liked my enthusiasm. I got a kick out of that.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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Um, I don't really care to explain what is currently happening with this, right now, at this moment. Sorry.
Posts: 2267 | Registered: May 2005
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posted
No problem and sorry to bring this back. I just took a quick glance through my earlier posts in search of something else and stumbled onto this.
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