quote: Have you ever walked in the dark after the rain? The soaked trees let the water droplets run off their leaves, and it sounds like it is raining again. There is a sense of excitement then and your feet want to run, to get you out the rain. But it isn't raining. I like to run in the dark with the rain. At night, when it starts to rain, I put on my jacket and leave the house and I run.
Sam says I am stupid. He says I make a mess of the floor when I come home and it is always him who has to mop it up. What does he know? Sam is my brother, eighteen and huge. Sarah also says I am stupid, only she doesn't say it like that, she says I have a mental problem and should see a psychiatrist. She is nineteen and wants to be a doctor. She works at the supermarket, at the meat counter.
Sometimes I run into the rain, and it splatters on my face and hands, soaking the front of my clothes and making me blink. Other times I run away from the rain, trying to stop it from touching me, trying to stay dry. It hasn't worked yet. When I came home the first day from running away from the rain, that was when Sarah said I had a mental problem.
Five points for a correct guess with either rationale for the guess or a critique of the story Two points for any guess with a critique One point for any guess with a rationale
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
quote:Have you ever walked in the dark after the rain? The soaked trees let the water droplets run off their leaves, and it sounds like it is raining again. There is a sense of excitement then and your feet want to run, to get you out the rain. But it isn't raining.
This is great. It reminds me of where I grew up; it was a pretty rural area, so there were a lot of trees. No street lights, either. Do you hear sounds like these in the city?
Anyway I like the imagery a lot, and we get an immediate sense of the characters. I'm not sure I love the style, but I think it does add something to the characterization of the narrator.
Given the outdoorsy nature of the narrator and the mental illness motif, I guess mack.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
I like that the narrator defines him (her?)self in terms of the siblings. I like the quiet sense of identity, that despite being both loved and mocked for the fobiles, he's still trying to reach out and find a point of connection using them. I like the hope that there will be someone who DOES walk in the dark after a rain.
quote: It hasn't worked yet.
That's hope, and that's young.
I love it. I don't know who wrote it - someone quirky, sensitive, wise, and internally independent enough to wonder at other's opinions of him. I don't know why I'm thinking male - that's the default, I suppose, but I'm not sure.
I haven't played every round. I apologize if I guess someone who has been played before.
ScottR or CT
Can I only pick one?
Scott R
p.s. I want the rest of this story. This is amazing.
posted
That first bit, the part that saxon quotes, is great, and put me in mind of Dandelion Wine or Something Wicked This Way Comes. That didn't really carry through beyond the first paragraph though.
Somehow the style of the rest of the piece didn't quite work for me. I can't quite put my finger on why, but I kind of react to it the way a dog reacts to being petted backward, if that makes any sense.
posted
It's cute and interesting. The way he/she introduces the character, I assumed it was a child, but that may not be true. Hm... It seems a bit simplistic, a stilted way of writing but that must be just for effect. I like this character already. It's a charming opening.
Sounds like a woman to me, possibly a younger one, because the writing as a childlike persona seems so believable. So...
posted
Noemon took my Dandelion Wine reference, dangit! The piece was interesting, but just because the older sister said she had a mental problem doesn't mean that it is an actual problem. Siblings often express such things.
I hope that this was a typo however: "...to get you out the rain."
And my random guess: flyby.
Posts: 1843 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Nice characterization. I personally like the first person because of the freedom you have to let the narrator speak. The second paragraph really brings out the narrator's voice well. I also like Sam and Sarah, who think big but live small. The narrator seems pretty childlike when she (I'm guessing she) brings this out. She could get into her voice even more by not explaining things to the reader but simply mentioning what occurs to her. Instead of "Sam is my brother, eighteen and huge," maybe "The only thing he cares about is football," or something equally out of the blue that still suggests size and intelligence. That kind of voice would fit better with the first and third paragraphs, which are so focused on imagery.
I'd start the story with the last paragraph of this passage, use the next-to-last paragraph next (tweaked around a little), and then sprinkle the first paragraph through the rest of the story. It's tighter that way, and introduces the narrator and the problem right off the bat. All the imagery in the first paragraph helps establish the narrator's voice but doesn't bring up the problem, and hence sounds a little fluffy.
But still, nice work. My guess is Amka.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I think I know who it is but I'm afraid to say it. Is all this work new work? Is it possible I've read this before? I don't want to guess if I've read it before. I could have read it 5 times and completely forgotten it (my husband loves this about me, as rewatching movies with me is always good for a laugh.) Anyway, the voice of it sounds so familiar that I wonder if I've read it before.
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Kayla, I don’t know if the piece is new or not. If you want you can send me an e-mail telling me who you think it is. Then if you're wrong you can go ahead and post your guess.
Ralphie – that e-mail is correct. But if hotmail is being mean you can send to dkw2 at netins.net which is my “real” e-mail account.
posted
Hunh. I didn't like it at first, but I think it's growing on me. The repetitive use of the word Rain in the first paragraph was a little tiring. But if the character is as challenged as described, I admire the writer's restraint.
This sounds like a male voice to me, so afr's thought that it was female surprised me. It didn't even occur to me that this person could be female. How strange.
I don't know who to guess. My first instinct was ScottR. Since that was wrong, I guess I'll go with Icarus.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
Critiqu: Nice, I like the narrator being undefined yet accept in regards to mental capacity, and their appreciation for sound and texture. I don't think I could handle it lasting much longer though. I can only wait so long for the other shoe to fall, is she crazy, slow, or artistic (or all three)
There was a couple of nit picks grammatically, but nothing special.
Guess, Belle. It has a fresh look to the world that is more rural than urban, and that's how I picture Belle.
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
I like it, but I agree with whoever said the first paragraph didn't quite fit in with the other two. It's nothing a little juxtaposition couldn't cure. Maybe if the narrator started out with her siblings' rants on her playing in the rain and then explaining the rain/tree thing, it would flow better.
guessed: mack Scott R Annie porce Maethoriell flyby Amka CalvinMaker Icarus Belle
posted
I think I actually would switch the second and third paragraphs:
quote: Have you ever walked in the dark after the rain? The soaked trees let the water droplets run off their leaves, and it sounds like it is raining again. There is a sense of excitement then and your feet want to run, to get you out the rain. But it isn't raining. I like to run in the dark with the rain. At night, when it starts to rain, I put on my jacket and leave the house and I run.
Sometimes I run into the rain, and it splatters on my face and hands, soaking the front of my clothes and making me blink. Other times I run away from the rain, trying to stop it from touching me, trying to stay dry. It hasn't worked yet.
Sam says I am stupid. He says I make a mess of the floor when I come home and it is always him who has to mop it up. What does he know? Sam is my brother, eighteen and huge. Sarah also says I am stupid, only she doesn't say it like that, she says I have a mental problem and should see a psychiatrist. She is nineteen and wants to be a doctor. She works at the supermarket, at the meat counter. When I came home the first day from running away from the rain, that was when Sarah said I had a mental problem.
To me the ideas seem to flow a bit better this way. There are still a few things that could be overworked, but I'm just not sure how right now. I like the simplistic feel, and I like the descriptions of the siblings.
posted
I agree, it flows a lot better when the paragraphs are switched, but there might be some overlying pattern that we're missing because we only have one part, so whoever the author is should take that with a grain of salt.
Gonna go out and guess... JaneX?
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
I like it. It reminds me of being a kid, and running outside in the rain for the sheer joy of it.
I agree that the order needs some tweaking. The first paragraph is in many ways the most powerful. But it doesn't segue into the others well. Christy's order could work, I think.
I think this author sounds young and female. IndexCard?
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Since rivka posted last, I'm going to guess her. Even though she's not super-young (not as young as me, please don't get mad at me rivka...) she seems to me like the type to write something childlike and whimsical like this... So I'm guessing rivka.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
For all the reasons katharina stated, I was going to guess Ralphie. But i guess she hasn't submitted anything yet, given her antics on this thread?
posted
Hmmm... My immediate impression of the narrator was of a young girl, perhaps in her early teens. But I can see how it's ambiguous. And it really doesn't tell us anything concrete about the author, although I think the tone suggests a female author. The author could be young, it's hard to tell, but the text doesn't feel like a person new to writing.
I have a suspicion that I'm not going to go with. Instead I'll pick Pixie.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
One nitpicky thing about one part...drops of water falling from leaves doesn't sound like rain. Rain is kind of steady. Secondary drops are more of an irregular plunky sound, as the water fills up the surface, then is dumped all at once.
That was the only thing that didn't ring true for me. It was well written.
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
| IP: Logged |
posted
I disagree. At least where I grew up, the sound of water dripping off of trees sounds quite a bit like a light rain. It is distinguishable, but only just.
It may have something to do with the type of trees, though. Don't know what kind of trees you have up in Washington, but the most common tree in Carmel Valley, CA is a California Live Oak, which has very small leaves.
Does that count as a critique? I guess Christy, because I think her edit was particularly accurate and because putting her right after Tom would be poetic, somehow.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Rivka – I’ve found that adding people to the list is the best way to get them to submit something. Anytime would be fine, but sometime next week I’m going to put out a general call for more submissions, including people who’ve already submitted one, so if you’d like to wait until then, that’s okay too.
It’s not Kayla or Ophelia.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
It might be a good idea to have more misdirection, whether they have sent samples or not. But then again, the list is already long.
I like the reorder of the paragraphs a'la Christy. It would be a good idea to guess her, as this would have been good misdirection, but also because the writer may see mistakes glaring out that we miss entirely.
But my random guess is, again, ae.
Posts: 1843 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
See, myself, I like to stand in the rain with my arms outspread and just be drenched. There's something rather spiritually cleansing about rain.
Of course, that's only when there's a nice warm house to come back inside to.
Another random guess: Troubador
Posts: 1777 | Registered: Jan 2003
| IP: Logged |
advice for robots ae amira tharani Avadaru Bob_Scopatz Caleb Varns Celia60 Dan_raven Dante dkw ^eleKtron enjeeo Ethics Gradient Feyd Baron Filleted Fugu13 Geoffrey Card Hobbes Irami jeniwren Jon Boy Kama katharina Leonide Leto II Locke ludosti Mama Squirrel Morbo Nick Noemon pooka Shlomo Slash the Bezerker solo Pat sndrake Strider T_Smith Tammy Teshi The Tick Tresopax TomDavidson twinky Unmaker Vána Papa Moose zgator
I'll gues dkw 'cause I just noticed she was on the list.
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
dkw, does that mean you want a writing sample from me?
