quote: I had a dream that death was sleeping in my bed. The night was still, and I felt my belly press into the grass. Gunshots had flown through the air, birds that rent the skies and the bodies of men. Two were yet still alive. The round face of one of the policemen was grim and sweaty against the dim evening sky. It provided a stark contrast between the body of his companion, bloodlessly dead in the soft darkness of my backyard. The men's movement lit up the night in a flash, and the glowing led me to a white room.
This was one of the survivors. I knew he would not be for long. I felt his wound in my mind, it was near his leg. I panicked, called for a doctor. They told me that they'd get one. No doctor ever came.
Five points for a correct guess with either rationale for the guess or a critique of the story Two points for any guess with a critique One point for any guess with a rationale A blank stare for any guess with neither critique nor rationale
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quote: The men's movement lit up the night in a flash, and the glowing led me to a white room.
This was one of the survivors.
This seems a bit confusing to me. "The man's movement?" perhaps. Also the movement lit up the night? I know its a dream, but this leaves me a little confused.
I like the dreamlike quality, however. The tone is interesting and novel. Thank you writer.
I have several guesses. The first is Feyd Baron.
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posted
From the violence of the scene, I'd say the writer is male. From the overy forced word useage (Birds that rent the skies and the bodies of men,... Bloodlessly dead) I'd say young.
T_Smith.
While I like the fact that we are being shown the scene, not told of it, and the writer lovers words, the rythem isn't quite there. The phrases are interesting but they aren't quite tied together enough to make the scene understandable.
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posted
This piece is disjointed -- deliberately so, I think? It does give it a nightmarish quality, but perhaps certain aspects could be made clearer without sacrificing that.
posted
It really comes across in sort of the dream-sequence feel: disjointed, overwrought, filled with things "known" rather than "shown". I'm thinking the author is both male and young... the guesses, though... going to take a stab in the dark here:
posted
Has anybody seen my post? I posted a brief analysis and a guess--Dragon--but I don't see my post. It was a couple of hours ago that I made it. Is it floating around in the wrong thread or something?
Is it here in this thread, and I just missed it somehow?
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posted
That's funny, because my analysis wasn't really very positive. I'll answer for dkw on that one--wasn't me.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I agree that it has a disjointed feel, and while I think that the author was definitely *after* something like that, it feels like the disjointedness isn't entirely intentional. It feels a bit clumsy. I agree that the author is probably young, but I'm not convinced that it's the work of a male. It could be, but it wouldn't have to be. My first guess is going to be Dragon.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I agree with everybody, it seems sort of vague. The first part seems like film noir to me for some reason... But probably the vagueness was on purpose. It seems like the author uses too many commas to me.
Let me see... The first part makes me think it's a guy... Troubadour?
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posted
Oh, and I had a strong enough hunch about you that I probably would've posted it later even if you hadn't posted anything.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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posted
Yeah, OK, I'm not mad at you, rivka. Or Noemon...(shakes fist at others)
But thanks for all the critiques. I needed that if I'm ever going to get this short piece into a workeable condition. If it makes any sense to anyone, I was reading a collection of stories by Japanese author Yasunari Kawabata at the time, called Palm of the Hand Stories. This was somewhat written in that style...
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