posted
Since the last major meltdown, things have been peaceful (for the most part) here at the casa.
The problem? I have a lot of unresolved anger and distrust. I'm also having a hard time understanding why the things that happened even happened. I'm getting more and more depressed.
In my opinion, the biggest part of our problem was (and is) that we haven't really talked about anything that matters in years. Only when we are in crisis do we communicate at all, and then I feel like we're just putting band-aids over the real issues.
Last night, while he was once again avoiding me by playing computer games for hours on end, I came in and asked him to shut it off, come in the bedroom, and talk to me. I didn't tell him why, only that I wanted to talk. I was soundly and thoroughly ignored. He tells me he's leaving in a little while (this was at 11pm) to go with his friend to visit another friend at work.
I was trying hard not to take it personally. I told him to go, but to please not be out too late, and to please go before it got too much later. He left at about midnight.
I wrote him a short note in here on the computer, and then left the music on so he'd come shut it off before bed. Basically, the note said I'd really like to talk to you. Please wake me up. That sort of thing.
Well, he woke me up when he got home, but he completely acted like he hadn't even seen the note.
I really need to work out my issues, and I'd rather do it with him than with a therapist. I also think that our marriage will not survive if we can't find a way to communicate. How can I convince him that I need his time without nagging him or forcing him into an ultimatum?
I feel like we're just floating along in separate dingys, waiting for the next hurricane. Serious suggestions?
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quote:I came in and asked him to shut it off, come in the bedroom, and talk to me. I didn't tell him why, only that I wanted to talk.
Bad way to handle it. Tell him why you felt the need to talk, in order to stress that this is something important—the game can be put on pause or something.
quote:I really need to work out my issues, and I'd rather do it with him than with a therapist. I also think that our marriage will not survive if we can't find a way to communicate. How can I convince him that I need his time without nagging him or forcing him into an ultimatum?
By going together to a therapist, you can work out a 'language' that you both understand and can approach each other on a level field.
Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Boon
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quote: Give him space and give him time. Be patient.
maybe I didn't give enough background. The biggest part of the last major thing was that he was sharing all the stuff he should have been talking to me about with another woman, and then fell in love with her. Being patient and giving him space is what I did before.
And, for the record, he won't go to therapy with me. He won't go at all. Period.
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Say...or leave a note, whichever is more comfortabe. "I feel frustrated and upset...because you won't talk about our marriage...and I would like you to sit down and help work this out."
Would that be of any help?
Posts: 14745 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Boon
unregistered
posted
Okay, here's the note I left for him:
quote: I want something from you. I want some of your time.
I can’t compete with the computer, the fire department, your friends, work, or any of the hundreds of other things you have chosen to occupy your time with. I’m not nearly as interesting, as fun, or as fulfilling. Not by myself. But together, we could have something great.
I can’t be married alone. I can’t talk to myself and make me feel better. I have very real concerns about the stability of our marriage. I feel like we are just treading water until something blows up, and I don’t want that to happen.
Further, I don’t want to live separate lives together. I know it’s important to have outside interests, but we need “us” too.
I need to talk to you. I have some very scary feelings, and I’m very sad. I’d like to try to understand my feelings, and to find out what you’re feeling too. I know that probably sounds like some touchy-feely bullshit to you, but it’s very important to me. Kinda like the whole kissing thing.
I don’t want you to think I’ll leave, or that if you don’t do as I ask, I’ll file for divorce or something, because that’s not going to happen. But I DO have to talk to somebody about this stuff, and I’d rather it be you. If not, I’ll go see that therapist. This is not a threat, or an ultimatum. I’m not going to force you to do something you don’t want to do.
Part of what I’m feeling is that if you loved me, you’d do as I ask. I know that that’s not right, because I know you love me. But I still feel that way. I’m trying to work on that.
I hope you’ll wake me up after you read this. Nicely, please. I want very much to be heard and understood, and I rather think you’d like the same thing. Come talk to me.
Okay, it's not short. And the kissing thing is that he's not very demonstrative, to the point where he wouldn't even kiss me in the bedroom. Once I told him how important it is to me, it's getting better. At least he's making an effort in that department.
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posted
Have you tried asking him what time would be good for him to talk? That way, he can "schedule" a time to talk to you. Actually, it's putting it all on him. He can't tell you he's too busy for the rest of his life, so he'll have to pick a time.
Next time he's on the computer, go up to him and say, "Honey, I know you are busy right now, but I'd like to talk to you. What time would be convenient for you?"
Posts: 9871 | Registered: Aug 2001
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posted
((((Boon)))) no one should have to go through this much grief, sister We love you and I'll pray for you.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
If he won't go with you, go to a therapist and ask for pointers for what to do.
Keep him informed of when something is important to you, but don't get into the habit of using it to get his attention.
Understand that "talks" put him on the spot, and he's probably uncomfortable with that, which is why he may be resistant to it. If he's like most guys, he doesn't like that feeling of "not in control" when hearing the words "let's talk." It may or may not bring up images of childhood where the parent (or guardian or whatever) would say similar things just before dropping the other shoe. Try to accomodate things so that he can feel like you two are entering the "talk" on level terms (not from your perspective, from his). The asking for an "appointment" or better time is one way to help.
Once again, as much as you may not like it, a therapist may have suggestions for you to help figure out how to handle things better. Give it some more consideration.
Posts: 289 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
Boon, you have such a great heart. This must be so hard.
quote:I really need to work out my issues, and I'd rather do it with him than with a therapist.
Maybe I read this wrong, or you meant it different than the way I read it, but you said they're *your* issues. If they are, you might try to work them out with someone who wants to work them out with you -- a therapist is great if you can find a good one you connect with, but sometimes a good, wise, honest friend can fill the same role. Husbands sign on for a lot when they get married, as do wives. I think, sometimes, though, that we don't serve as very good therapists for each other because we're too close to the situation. Sometimes we really need to work out our stuff with a third party. (Though I believe -- just my opinion -- that it's a *very bad* idea for female friends to counsel husbands, and male friends to counsel wives.)
The first year my husband and I were married, I saw a therapist to help me through some stuff, my issues with the new marriage -- stuff I knew was my problem, but needed help figuring out. My husband was too close to the situation. He couldn't help me. It made our marriage better. And me much happier.
Did you mention elsewhere that you're pregnant?
Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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