quote: The father and son silently approached the car together. Neither knew what to say. The father opened his car door and quietly sat down. Slowly he put his key in the ignition without turning it. He grabbed the steering wheel tightly. His knuckles turned white. Silence. The son did up his seat belt and glanced at his father nervously, not wanting to make eye contact. “I’m sorry.” Silence. Slowly the father turned his head to face his son. “Are you really?” “Yes.” More silence. The father nodded his head doubting his sons's words. “Why did you do it? How could you have done it?” the father asked despairingly. “I dunno.” “That’s not an answer.” “I don’t have a better one. I just dunno.” The son looked hopelessly out the window. Taking a different approach, the father looked disappointedly at his son. “You could have asked. If you had, I probably would have bought it for you.” Silence. “Oh.” Doubt it, thought the son. “Why did you? Can’t you at least tell me why?” “I told you. I do not know!”
posted
Scoring is on hold for the moment. Whatever the final system turns out to be, critiquing the writing will be good and guessing without giving any reason for your guess will be bad.
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I think at least one of these characters needs to be named. Jeff and his father, or George and his son. Repeating "the" all the time sounds funny.
The "I do not know" also sounds a bit out of place. It sounds far too formal for a frustrated teenager.
I agree that it's someone young, probably male. Nick?
Posts: 3801 | Registered: Jan 2000
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posted
Ok... first of all I like the piece. It develops an incident and character without over-explaining, which can be hard to do.
There a couple of grammatical errors (like sons's instead of son's), and I think some sentences could do with a comma inserted - for example
quote: The father nodded his head doubting his sons's words.
would read better as
quote: The father nodded his head, doubting his son's words.
I agree with Ophelia that the repetition of 'his' and 'the son' / 'the father' is unwieldy. I think maybe 'boy' could be interchanged at some points:
quote: The son did up his seat belt and glanced at his father nervously, not wanting to make eye contact. “I’m sorry.” Silence. Slowly the father turned his head to face the boy. “Are you really?”
Finally, I'm not sure of the change in symtax in the last sentence:
quote: “I told you. I do not know!”.
While I'm guessing this was done for emphasis, the way the character has been developed I think another 'dunno' or perhaps even a 'don't know' would ring more true.
So, I think the writer is male and young, and trying to write to sound a bit older than he is. My first choice would be Nick, but Ophelia has already guessed him.
So I'll go with... Superstation ?? Wait a minute, this baby's only a day or so old.... Wow, talented child.
posted
I like the piece too. The author clearly has a solid grasp of writing dialogue, and a good insight into the male teenage mind.
I do think, however, that the dialogue could be further tightened in a number of places, where unnecessary descriptors; "...The father asked despairingly" "...thought the son." break up the natural flow of the conversation, and don't really tell us anything new; the father's approach to his boy suggests his despair, and the italicised 'Doubt it' suggest thought rather than spoken words.
I'm going for (I think)a somewhat older male than the previous guesses, because something in the tone of the passage suggests to be that the writer has a slightly more mature experience of the father/son relationship - either as a father or just someone who's been through it and had time to think a little further, I'm not certain...
posted
Why did I know I'd be the first person guessed on this? (not mine, btw)
Although, I'm leaning to female. I suggest this because I have horrible guessing skills, I think the author, trying to be clever, tried to sound male (doing a decent job).
I get the idea that this is a young adult, probably around 19-23.
But tossing that out and going with my gut (and I'm very bad with gut instincts) I'll guess JaneX.
posted
Just though of an edit on my edit... general tightening up.
quote: The son did up his seat belt and glanced at his father nervously, not wanting to make eye contact. “I’m sorry.” Silence. His father slowly turned his head. “Are you really?”
(I changed 'the' to 'his' because I think it sounds better. Plus for some reason when I saw 'the father' in that sentence it made me immediately think of 'the father, the son and the holy ghost'... )
posted
As a young man I went through very similar father son moments. I definately believe this is a male author. But I believe it is an older voice, someone who has been through it or seen it themselves.
quote: The son did up his seat belt
I'm not sure if I like "did up" in describing the belt, I might have used fastened or buckled. "did up" is just directionally wrong. The belt goes down and "did up" is distracting, at least to me, my mind trips up on little things like that and breaks the flow of the passage. Otherwise I liked the piece, it is very true to life and could happen anywhere at anytime to any parent and child. My assumption is the son stole something and is now on his way to face the consequences. Sadly, I've been there.
I'll guess Papa Moose - I know his kids are young yet but he seems to be rather insightful and this could easily be something he has experienced either first hand or as an interested observer.
posted
...or, "did up" could be a regional usage. The tone of this is straightforward and tight, but a bit of personality does seep through.
I think this exerpt, though a bit monotone, is setting the stage perfectly for a rising current of action to come next. I'll go with the young rationale, but I'm not thinking teenage. My guess: Ethics Gradient.
Posts: 8504 | Registered: Aug 1999
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posted
I'm starting to think that the "guess from" list should only include people who've actually submitted excerpts. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
Here, here. I know too few people here as it is. Most of my guesses are based on male or female voice, then its a random guess. I'm never gonna get one right! Posts: 1294 | Registered: Oct 2003
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posted
We're all going for male because both characters are male, but that's not good enough for me.
This excerpt explores a relationship, and very little actually happens in it, which leads me to believe that we actually are looking at a female author. I definitely agree with the general consensus that this author is young. The dialogue is somewhat halting, and it lacks the confidence that maturity usually brings.
The excerpt is also strongly influenced by traditional family ideals and morals. This makes me think our author is probably LDS. My best guess is flyby.
posted
This author captures adolescent male angst pretty well. The piece makes me think of A Separate Piece crossed with Ordinary People.
I think the author is trying too hard to withold names for some cute effect. Referring to "the father" and "the son" constantly gets tedious.
I like the detail of "His knuckles turned white," although I might use "whitened" instead of "turned white."
It's not absolutely clear at first who says sorry. I would include the line of dialogue in the paragraph about the son's motion. But then, I like interspersing action with dialogue to break it up:
quote: The son did up his seat belt and glanced at his father nervously, not wanting to make eye contact. “I’m sorry,” he said.
I also would change "nervously" to "quickly," or perhaps drop it altogether. I think the piece would work better if instead of telling us his emotions, it showed us. The actions here already indicate that the son is nervous, so telling us this is redundant.
quote:The father nodded his head doubting his sons's words.
First of all, definitely some punctuation here. Nodding his head seems to be at odds with doubting his words. Is this meant to say that outwardly he is nodding but inwardly he doubts? Then I would elaorate on that. Another point, though, is that we seem to see into both the father and the son. Is this intended to be omniscient viewpoint? I would strongly encourage this author to drop out of omniscient and limit his mind-reading to just one character. Of course rules can be broken, but omniscient viewpoint is very much out of favor these days. I doubt you could find a half dozen short stories or novels published in the last five years in third-person omniscient.
quote:“Why did you do it? How could you have done it?” the father asked despairingly.
"How could you have done it" sounds a bit verbose to me. A simple "How could you?" or perhaps, "'How could you . . . ' he trailed off," would convey the same. It's trite, but that's ok. Characters can be trite--authors should not.
I would STRONGLY recommend removing the word "despairingly." First of all, as stated above, the emotional state should be clear from his actions. Despair is kind of strong, anyway. As a father, I'm more inclined to feel frustration in this situation than despair. Also, while--again--rules can be broken, adverbs are typically considered the mark of an amateur writer.
quote:“I dunno.” “That’s not an answer.” “I don’t have a better one. I just dunno.” The son looked hopelessly out the window.
I personally don't ever like to have two unattributed lines of dialogue in a row. It's easier than authors tend to think to get confused s a reader. I remember when I first read LOTR having to reread some passages, essentially keeping score, so that I could figure out who said a particular line.
Again with the adverb. Tell me he looks out the window, and let me fill in the emotion. I won't reckon he's happy.
quote:“Oh.” Doubt it, thought the son.
Who here coined the phrase "floating head syndrome"? Whoever it is is brilliant.
quote:“Why did you? Can’t you at least tell me why?” “I told you. I do not know!”.
That last period shouldn't be there.
These lines are repetitive, and make an otherwise tight scene start to feel tedious. Would the son really punctuate his answer by saying "do not" instead of "don't"? This strikes me as a technique parents use more than kids.
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
And I picked Troubs because he's male, sounds like he's lived a pretty hell-raising life, and because of "did up his seat belt."
Posts: 1001 | Registered: Dec 2002
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posted
I like this. All of the the father and the sons bothered me as well. One of them could have a name to solve it, I suppose. "Did up his seat belt" does sound a little funny, it should probably be put on his seat belt or something like that. The "I do not know" at the end needs to go. If you don't read it with the right emphasis, it just doesn't flow. I'd put in "I don't know" instead. I'll agree that the author is probably male, though I don't think he's necessarily young. I'll go with Tristan.
Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
The biggest flaw here is the lack of any attitude on the part of the characters presented. Well, we get a little bit from the son, but only a smidge. This is crippling for a relationship story, such as this appears to be.
My first impression is that this is an author who is deliberately trying to hide his or her style. I'm thinking an adult male.
But I'm going to guess Kat just to be random.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Lots of adverbs. Minor grammar issues. A pre-occupation with dialogue.
These all suggest "non-professional writer" to me; the subject matter says "young male."
I'm just going to go with Da_Goat off the top of my head, because I haven't seen much of his stuff and don't recognize this writing style. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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I have not much critique to offer except a lot of "me too" on the father/son bit (one of them should have a name), too many adverbs (if you don't think the dialogue speaks for itself it may be a good idea to put in more adjectives describing the characters instead of adverbs describing how the speak) and the do not know issue. "Don't know" works fine, I think.
I'll go with the young and male and guess Human.
Posts: 896 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
I have a suspicion that this piece may have been written just for this game, and is not part of a larger story. However, that's just a hunch.
I think that this piece has the beginnings of a good scene; it just needs a re-write or two. The main problem with is is that there isn't a clear viewpoint character for the entire scene. At the end, we do get to peek into the son's head, but we aren't getting his reactions all along. So it's hard to really get a sense of who to identify with. Should we feel sympathy for the son, or should we share the father's righteous anger? Establishing a viewpoint character, especially in a scene like this, is crucial. I recommend OSC's book, Character and Viewpoint, to this writer.
Some suggestions for the writer:
Pick a main character and just let us see into his head.
Name the characters. This will help the viewpoint construction immensely. For example, say the son's name is John and the father's name is Mark. If we're seeing this from John's point of view, refer to him as John, because he wants to feel grown up, and to the father as Dad. Or if we're meant to get the father's POV, you could call him Mark and call the son "Johnny" or some such.
Try to avoid using adverbs when describing speech. "the father asked despairingly" doesn't work well, and, really, it doesn't jive well with his actual words. When I read the preceding sentence, I heard the father's voice as angry, smoldering, but tightly controlled. Then I get to the adverb and I have to revise it. It's better to show this with an action ("Dad looked at his feet and sighed, then said...") or to structure the dialogue in such a way as to show the emotion you're trying to get across (in this example this may be harder).
The 3rd person omniscient viewpoint can work in some instances, but not here. At the beginning of the piece, you establish that we can actually see into both minds with this line: "Neither knew what to say." It would better suit this writing style to use the limited viewpoint: "John didn't know what to say, what could get his father to understand. At least what could get him off the hook." Or maybe, "Mark was speechless. How could his son, his son, have done something like this?"
But I do get the sense that that the author has a good idea of the dynamic between these characters. Like I said, a re-write or two and this scene will cook. [Edit: I probably ought to read the whole thread before I go and post a long critique that pretty much just repeats what everyone else has said. Oh well.]
posted
Actually, I'm thinking "do up your seatbelt" might be a non-American thing, or at least definitely a regional thing. Anyone ever hear someone say this? Based on that line, I'll throw in a second guess as well. Jaiden.
Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
This piece is well written and I was almost squirming from the tension build-up. I also noticed the akwardness of the "I do not know." and would change it to "I don't know."
I agree that this piece sounds male, though it could go either way since that situation could happen exactly the same way if either or both characters were to be female. I think this is a slightly older author trying to sound younger, so I'm going to guess ScottR.
Posts: 981 | Registered: Aug 2003
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quote: very little actually happens in it, which leads me to believe that we actually are looking at a female author.
Are you trying to say something about women here? Perhaps that we don't do anything? Or can't write things with a lot of action? (I don't believe that's what you mean by this, but you might want to be a bit more careful next time. )
Posts: 981 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
I also am not a fan of "the father" and "the son" and agree that they need names. Also, the sentences have no real variety, they're all kind of short and have the same rhythem. I do like the tension between father and son - it's shown very well.
I'm gonna guess twinky just for kicks and giggles
Posts: 3420 | Registered: Jun 2002
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posted
I've already done my critique and edit, and everyone else has basically covered anything more I had to say.
So I'm just going to guess instead: I'm going for Icarus. Rationale? I don't know - maybe just something about the way he edited the piece made me think it could be his original work.
:: Edited for tense. You'd think in a critique of a piece of writing I'd get my own tenses right. ::
posted
I liked the way this piece unravelled, but I think the two characters completely lack character. Someone suggested giving names to the characters, I think that this piece needs a side to tell it from. It's too personal to tell from a omnipresent viewpoint. Giving one of the characters a name would accomplish this, as well as making only one person uncertain about the other's reaction. Even taking the father's 'the' away could make a big difference.
quote: More silence. The father nodded his head doubting his sons's words. “Why did you do it? How could you have done it?” the father asked despairingly.
The nodding of the head conflicts with the doubt and negative thoughts of the father, unless it is meant to be what I would call shaking his head. Also, the disjointed feeling, the way the story goes from silence, to the father shaking his head to the father speaking, is odd. Perhaps the last two sentences should be made into one:
More silence. Then the father nodded (shook? - written in this way, nodded sounds absurd) his head in despair, (still?) doubting his son's words(reply?). "Why did you do it?" he asked. "How could you have done it?"
In my head, this flows better, tells me definately how each thing occured. If the 'then' should be omitted another sentance or phrase could be inserted between the 'silence' and the 'the':
More silence, as the son watched the father slowly consider. The father nodded...
Because of this disjointed feeling, I'd speculate that the writer was fairly inexperienced, but could be either male or female, old or young.
Ummm... Random Guess because I haven't a clue how long people have been writing...
posted
I'm going to guess JonBoy mainly by process of elimination. I'm thinking the author is definitely male and somewhat young.
I think the prose could translate the silences better. I mean, whenever I had these "conversations" with my father (or mother for that matter) the pregnant pauses were MUCH more pregnant. Seconds seemed to last forever. The kid should be in agony, more sheepish, perhaps.
I was thinking maybe if they are sitting in the car and the son is listening to the nearly infinite span between one click of the turn signal and the next, or between rain drops. Or, maybe he focuses on the second hand of his dad's big wrist watch as it seems to wait for him to come up with a better answer than "I don't know."
I thought the tension would be heightened...
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
See, now, here's my problem...i want to guess, but not on any additional clues or information. Reading through the critiques (which were exceedingly thorough) I find I have absolutely nothing more to add that hasn't already been said in spades. But i don't want to seem that i'm just jumping in and guessing randomly.
So i'm just going to bite the bullet and say i think this piece sounds like imogen, based on the "did up his seatbelt" comment.
posted
Not really. The first game I didn't even open until page 3, and by then I didn't have a whole lot of names to choose from. The second game was pretty easy because the author gave himself away with obvious regional terms. They were so obvious he must have done it on purpose.
This guess I went under the assumption that the author was from outside the US, because of the seatbelt thing. First Tristan, which was wrong. Troub was the last game, enjeeo hasn't posted, and I didn't think this sounded like EG. Amira isn't around much, so I ruled her out. I decided Jaiden or Twinky, and since we knew Jaiden actually sent something in, I went with her.
Not psychic, definitely not cheating, and really not all that much luck.
Posts: 4292 | Registered: Jan 2001
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