posted
This isn't a rant, and maybe the answer is obvious. I just hate it.
I'm starting to think my family really is the WASP-y stereotype, which seems all wrong.
I've noticed that whenever I talk to my step-mother, she only wants to hear good news, good report. If I'm fine, things are glorious. If I'm ever not, she says "Oh.", then changes the subject as quickly as possible. It's like I'm only allowed to talk about myself and how I am if I have positive things to say. If there's anything that's not positive, then keep quiet until you CAN say something positive.
If this was a total stranger, or people at work, casual acquaintances, I completely agree with not burdening them with how you really feel. But this is family - I don't get it. I do believe there are good intentions there, but there really is a serious shutting out of everything that doesn't seem peachy.
My grandparents used to do this, but they've changed in the last year or so. We are much closer as a result, I think. I love it, I can tell them anything now - my grandpa I always could, and my grandmother has recently had some sort of change of heart where she doesn't judge anymore - she doesn't do the "only mention nice things" anymore. I think it's great. As a result, and I am so much more likely to call them when I'm happy. It's working out nicely - for them as well, I think.
I'm irritated with those who don't want to hear it when things aren't good, because they don't deserve to hear it when things are nice, either. I just get the feeling of "You go away, and tell me about the highlights occasionally. Don't look for anything for you here."
Does it come from a sense of helplessness? She doesn't think she can do anything, so she doesn't want to hear about things that make her feel helpless?
Does it come from just not wanting to bother?
Does it come from a lack of knowledge of how to handle it? I don't agree with the last one, because we are presented all our lives with things we don't know how to handle. You figure it out. If we refused to do anything we didn't already know how to do, we'd still be in diapers and drinking from a bottle.
Anyway, the specific occasion was Christmas. Now, I had a fabulous Christmas. Christmas Eve I spent with my aunts and cousins in Houston. There was great food, lots of presents, a few good conversations, and my one cousin who quickly interrupts all conversations unless they are either (1) about him, (2) humiliating to someone there, or (3) an offensive subject on which he can share his opinions. My aunt, his mother, deals with it by drinking enough wine to make her stumble and gush.
It sounds horrifying, but actually that party is always a lot of fun. I had a friend come with me last year, and his comment was "It isn't that your family doesn't have any skeletons in the closet. It's that they don't have any closets."
On the other hand, as much as it is sometimes a land-mine spilling over with opportunities to be offended, it is also spilling over with love and affection. My aunts adore, my cousins like me, and I belong there. They're grateful I'm there. I came away feeling loved and treasured. It was wonderful.
Christmas Day I spent with a friend and her family. That was great - everyone was there the whole time, and it felt like a real family. We played Clue, talked about movies, and I got a stocking and presents, which was a complete (wonderful) surprise. All in all, a wonderful Christmas.
I think the distinction is that my Houston family loves and accepts all of me, even the parts they don't like (they think the LDS church is a cult), while in Utah only the braggable parts of me are accepted. The oh-too-human and not-altogether-perfect bits of me should be kept silent and shoved away, even in private conversation.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
I'm sorry, kat. That sucks. But I'm glad you had a great holiday. Have you told your step-mom how you feel? If verbally won't work, maybe in a letter (remember those? ) or even an e-mail?
I did, once. Got upset, finally yelled, and then hung up on her. I really, really don't do that (this was the first time in years), but there were two consequences to this.
The first one is that my dad finally paid attention to me. Yay! That's what it took - it was very cool.
The other is that the next time I saw her, she acted like nothing happened. I'm serious - just exactly the same. In her defense, she's not hypocritical about it - she doesn't share anything un-positive with me. Or with anyone else - no matter what things are like, she always acts happy.
I'm just trying to cut through the... pretense? It just doesn't feel honest to me. I do have hope - my grandmother used to do that, and for some reason, she's stopped recently. I can't decide if she just had a change of heart, I said something inadvertantly (I sure don't remember), or else my inestimable grandpa said something. Whatever it was, she's changed. That means there's hope, right?
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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But how much older than your step-mother is your grandmother? Are you really prepared to patiently wait that long?
While the one-time angry diatribe sounds like it may have been the way to reach your dad, it clearly made little difference in your relationship with your step-mother. I really think a letter might be the way to go.
She's too habituated to ignoring unpleasantness (maybe from her first marriage? from what you've said, that was very painful for her?) to respond to something like angry yelling, I think. Keep in mind that she's not doing this to make you unhappy or uncomfortable -- I'm guessing it is most likely a learned defense mechanism.
If unpleasant things aren't acknowledged, they can't cause pain, neh? Or that's the theory, anyway.
A calm and rational letter (on actual paper is likely better -- she's less likely to toss it than delete an email, I'd guess) might circumvent her defenses.
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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I don't think I'm quite ready to deal with it. I'm trying create/shore up the relationship with my dad, and I don't want to screw it up at the moment. That's a good idea, though.
I'm starting to think it's another instance of a cultural difference. I got to talk to my baby brother in Mexico City today, and in the list of "How's my brother" questions, I asked him how his testimony was doing. He laughed, he was so startled by the question. On the other hand, we had quite a nice talk that consisted of weightier matters than "I eat free tacos every day." I love the food stories, but I got to find out how he really, really is. That's important - but it startled him, and he went along with it at first only because he loves me.
[ December 26, 2003, 02:37 PM: Message edited by: Javert Hugo ]
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
If by cultural you mean how-you-were-raised/what-you're-used-to, of COURSE it is! We learn how to relate to others (including the range of "appropriate" responses to "So how are you?") by watching the way others (primarily parents and peers) model such behavior.
Cool that you're teaching your brother what, IMO, is a healthier outlook. Good for him for being willing to learn it.
I can understand not being ready to deal with confronting your step-mother right now. But until you do, perhaps continuing to subtly push for different reactions from her is unfair on your part?
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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If the people around me avoid talking about a topic, it's because they really don't know how to react. That's the only reason I'd avoid anything. However, these people are close to you and love you, and it's not right for them not to want to help you. But they have to be the ones to decide... and that might take a while. The only thing that I can think to do is make sure not to drop something if you really want to talk about it.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I agree. She probably can't handle it. My advice is not to burden her with things you can't expect her to deal with constructively anyway.
Give up. Find people who do listen and move along.
There are just those among us who aren't listeners. Trying to get them to be what they aren't is futile.
IMHO.
Sadly, having a close family tie to such a person can be very trying. It's not as easy to just avoid the person. But you can avoid the topics that she's not good with. It's not like you really want or need her input or sympathy anyway.
Maybe when she sees that you mostly ignore her or shine her on, she'll come to realize that she wants more depth in your relationship. I wouldn't count on it though. It appears that she just may be either shallow, overwhelmed, or plain not care enough about you and her relationship with you to want anything but fluff.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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quote:perhaps continuing to subtly push for different reactions from her is unfair on your part?
Yeah, you're probably right. I didn't really articulate all of this to myself until today. I talked to my dad and step-mom this morning, and to my brother this afternoon. Okay.
My next two tasks are to (1) get my dad to come and see me in Dallas, and (2) get him to get his own e-mail address. He keeps writing me letters from my step-mom's account, and I hate writing back to him there. I've suggested him getting his own before, but he says that's the Family E-mail Address and he doesn't want to. I think I need an angle.
Posts: 1753 | Registered: Aug 2002
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posted
I think some people believe when they only talk about positive things, it means they are not burdening others with their troubles, sucking it up and counting their blessings, etc. Not whining. I think maybe when things are very hard for people, they sometimes decide as a way of getting through it, just not to focus on anything bad but to only hold on to the good stuff and sort of ignore everything that's less than good as a way of being positive. The downside for people who do this is that they aren't really able to sympathize or commiserate with other people's sorrows.
My philosophy is like yours. Sorrows when shared become blessings. Real friends share both joys and sorrows. They share everything they have. Hopefully there will be plenty of joys to share, along with the sorrows, but a real friend is someone who is glad to hear either. I guess I can see the rationale behind the "focus only on the good" approach, but it definitely feels like it cuts you off from any deep connection with people, doesn't it? People who can only talk about happy things with you are confining you to the purely superficial, aren't they?
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Kat, I call it the "Big Game of Pretend." It's when you have connections to your family that are shallow--only the positive. They don't want to hear the negative, what wouldn't be going right. Bringing out any of the negative results in anger and shouting and fear and cuts off that shallow connection until everyone starts playing pretend again.
And if the negatives that you see and feel with those relationships gets to you, the game of Pretend feels horribly unreal so that you want to shout that there's a giant pink elephant in the middle of the room.
And if you shout that, the others shout back that the Pink Elephant is Your Fault and now he's Crapped on the Rug and Look What You've Done and Why Can't We All Just Play Pretend? (be happy).
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