1. Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
2. A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
3. A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
4. A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
5. Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
6. A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, we have absolutely nothing to go on."
7. An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."
8. A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my census."
9. There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
10. By the way, the guy who wrote these 9 puns, entered them and one other in a contest. He figured with 10 entries he couldn't lose. As they were reading the list of winners he was really hoping one of his puns would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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You know, I posted #9 on a joke thread here at Hatrack a few years back and was accused of racism.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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I've never seen such SHORT versions of some of these! #3, if told the way I was taught it, can take up to five minutes. #9 takes at least a full minute, possibly two.
I've got a few others. And if you don't appreciate them -- remember, all rotten produce may be directed at Bob. He started it!
Henry Lang grew up in Kansas, part of the most wealthy and influential family in the area. Everyone around knew of the Langs, and eventually, in gratitude for all that the family had done for the area, the townsfolk erected a huge sign in front of the train station, saying, "Welcome on behalf of the Langs." One day, Henry, now in his forties, returned to the area, and he was shocked to see that the townsfolk had taken down the old Lang sign.
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."
Three men were fishing in the Gulf of Mexico when one of them pulled in a huge fish. But as soon as it was in the boat, the fish shook the hook out of its mouth and changed into an angry, bearded man wearing a crown and brandishing a three-pronged spear.
"Who are you, sir?" quavered one of the fishermen.
"I am Neptune, god of the sea, and I am going to put a curse on you! Before you get home, your boat will spring a dozen leaks -- nay, make that a dozen and a half, for good measure!"
With a nasty laugh, Neptune dived over the side and disappeared. The fishermen's boat got so many holes they had to swim ashore, and from that day to this, they have never forgotten Neptune's eighteen hole gulf curse.
Mom and Dad Potato sit down with their three daughter potatoes. "Kids," they say, "you're old enough now to go out and find yourselves husbands. We want you to be happy with them, but we also want you to be sure and choose a husband the whole family can be proud of." With that, they send their children forth to find mates.
A few months later the first daughter returns. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Peter Potato. Peter's from Idaho."
"Idaho! Wonderful! Welcome to the family, Peter."
A few months after that the second daughter comes home. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Paul Potato. Paul is from Maine."
"Maine! Well, delighted to meet you, Paul." A few months after that, the third daughter walks in. "Mom, Dad, I'd like you to meet my fiancé, Tom Brokaw."
"Um...would you excuse us for a moment, Tom?"
The parents take the third daughter aside and tell her that they do not approve of this match and will cut her out of the will if she goes through with it.
"But Mom! Dad! I thought you'd be thrilled! What's the matter with Tom Brokaw?"
"Don't you understand? He's a common tater!"
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realized that it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem.
He said he was unsure of his place in the universe and was generally forlorn.
His step-parents advised, "Don't scurry. Be hoppy."
Many years ago, a fisherman and his wife had twin sons, but they didn't know what to name them. The husband said, "Let's just wait. If we wait long enough, the names will simply occur to us." After several weeks, they noticed something peculiar about the children. When left alone, one boy would face the sea, and the other would face inland.
"Let's call the boys Toward and Away," suggested the fisherman, and his wife agreed.
Years passed, and one day the fisherman told his adult sons, "It's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." The fisherman and his sons provisioned their ship and set sail for a three-month voyage. At the voyage's end, the fisherman returned alone.
"What happened?" his wife cried.
"We were barely one day out to sea," the fisherman explained solemnly, "when Toward hooked a great fish. Toward fought long and hard, but the fish was great and strong. For whole week they wrestled upon the waves, yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Toward was pulled over the side. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."
"Oh dear!" the wife cried. "What a huge fish that must have been! What a terrible fish! What a horrible fish!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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For his birthday, a young man's friends all chipped in and bought him a live, beautiful, huge, rare, and exotic moth. Also, for his birthday, they decided to take him out for a night on the town. The man left the the moth in the house, locked the door, and went out with his friends.
Upon his return, he unlocked the door and went in, whereupon the moth attacked him in a furious rage, latched on to his face, and killed him.
The moral of the story? Don't lock a gift moth in the house.
posted
Here's one that I made up. Assuming that the average person is nice, if you are mean, it means that you are not mean, and if you are not mean, it means that you are mean.
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And if you don't appreciate them -- remember, all rotten produce may be directed at Bob. He started it! ![[ROFL]](graemlins/rofl.gif)
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