quote: “Sarah, Splash tried to make a run for it,” I started, using all my mom diplomacy. “He didn’t make it.”
Sarah looked down into my cupped hands and said seriously, “What do we do with him? He’s kinda gross looking, isn’t he, Mom?”
“We flush him down the toilet, honey. That’s where dead fishes get buried,” I replied. This was going pretty well, I thought.
So we took Splash to the bathroom and dropped him into the water. Sarah looked up at me expectantly, then lowered her eyes to take one last look at her favorite goldfish as he floated in his final resting place. That’s when it happened.
“Mom, look!”
The little dried out fish I’d found on the dresser began to swim.
posted
I'm of mixed feelings about this piece. On one hand, the dialogue is fairly well-written and the actual events -- a young mother explaining death to her daughter, only to be surprised by the fish's resurrection -- are clever.
The writing style is lucid, but very plot-driven; I don't get a good feeling for the characters and their surroundings. If this were the middle of a piece, I don't think I'd care as much -- but right now, I don't have a mental image of either person involved (OR the fish, for that matter).
It's kind of like reading Isaac Asimov: there's no description of the WAY in which the fish is found, or how she's lowering it into the toilet, or the look on the girl's face when she first sees the fish; the sentences are pared down to their essential details.
This isn't a WRONG thing; it's just a stylistic preference.
That said, I'm going to guess my wife, again. She writes in much this fashion, and this would be a subject she'd consider.
posted
I'm going to start from the very obvious and assume the author is a mother, since whoever it is seems comfortable narrating from first person in that role. It could be a sixteen-year-old boy too, for all I know, but my instincts say this is a mother.
posted
This was a cute piece and the dialog had the flow of real life. It's light and uplifting, but if you think on it a bit, there's a lot of stuff underneath that could be fantastic as well.
This is a clever piece of work without any window dressing, quite well done!
I'm going to guess Belle on this one.
Posts: 2848 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
I have issues with the first sentence. First of all, I don't like the phrase, "make a run for it," since it seems false to me. Fish don't run, and mothers don't make jokes when first introducing their children to death. Or at least, mine sure didn't. She was very solemn about it, because she knew it mattered to us.
Second, "mom diplomacy" reads awkwardly. I'd just say "diplomacy" or "a mom's diplomacy" or something along those lines.
Finally, just for rhythm's sake, I'd reorganize it so that the dialog tag comes earlier. Thusly:
"Sarah," I started, using all my mom diplomacy. "Splash tried to make a run for it. He didn't make it."
Posts: 1903 | Registered: Sep 2003
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posted
Well-written and cute idea. Could either the fish or the girl have a different name? The "Sarah, Splash" opening grates on me.
The plural of fish is usually fish, not fishes.
The toilet is NOT "his final resting place" -- they're about to send him elsewhere!
My overall reaction to the end of this piece is a combination of "Wow, cool!" and "EWWWWWWWW!" I'm rather curious about what this improbable ability indicates about this fish. Is he destined to Do Great Things? Does the mom use some Super Cleaner on that toilet bowl?
posted
This piece is so short that I feel I have don't have much to say about it. I like Brinestone's suggestion of moving the first dialogue tag forward to make it flow better. I don't know about Scott's comment of removing/changing the "That's when it happened" bit. This announcement elevate the goldfish's resurrection to something noteworthy and out of the ordinary. It made me wonder if there was some kind of miracle afoot, or at least of the mother/daughter would attach special significance to the event later in the story. If my speculation is wrong, I agree with Scott, though; take it away/change it.
As for who could have written the piece, well, the subject matter and viewpoint does indicate a little older female, perhaps a mother. I'm taking a pot shot and guess:
Jeniwren.
(Not that she's, uh, old, or anything... but she's not as young as say, JaneX. Although I'm sure she's looking quite young. Right.)
Posts: 896 | Registered: Feb 2001
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Perhaps it's time to fill out the guess from list again; you could claim that you've received new samples...
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posted
Actually, the plural of many fish of the same species is "fish" and many fish of different species is "fishes" so she's actually right.
Posts: 3243 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
*laughs at Tristan* It's okay...you can call me old.
This is a true story, though it didn't happen to me. This mom really does talk like this, and I can totally see her saying that Splash made a run for it. Her daughter has a similar sense of humor, so it wasn't taken badly, as I recall.
I wrote this in about 3 minutes specifically for the game, shortly after hearing this story from a friend at church. I thought it was such a great story I had to write it down. Rereading it, I wince a bit and wish I'd fleshed it out more.
Thank you all for the critiques!
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