quote: Crow Boy slid down from the great rock. He had been watching the hawks soar on the wind currents again. He hurried down the leafy path; he was late and his mother would scold. Why, oh why, couldn't he have been named a hawk or an eagle instead of a crow? What use was it to be a crow? He was still young as the Bird people counted age, still two or three years away from the change. Yes he was blessed to become a bird. The ones who were not bird-named by the shamans could never free themselves from the ground. They were forever chained to their stupid human bodies. Once the change happened you could never become human again; why would you want to? Still, why did he get named a crow? What great things can a crow do? All they did was sit in the trees and jeer as you walked by.
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
posted
Too much is given away in this paragraph. It's an interesting start...people becoming birds, as chosen by the shamen. But in one paragraph, so much is explained. I like, as a reader, to be dropped into the middle of the tableau, and as time goes by learning more and more. Almost a learn-by-osmosis. In this, it's as if I were dropped into the tableau, but with a dumbed down tour guide beside me, well aware that I had no idea what was going on.
I would also drop the "Why, oh why".
Other than that, it's a nice beginning to what could be an interesting story. Why do they become birds? Is the process sudden or gradual? What purpose does it serve the shamen for some to become birds and others not? And why certain birds for certain people? Good stuff to play with.
Edit: Oh, I forgot to guess who. Total guess -- I think this is a young person. Ryuko?
posted
It's a good problem, and pretty intriguing to find out why being a crow would be better than being a hawk. Calling it "the change" is a good lead up that doesn't reveal too much. The only thing that needs more information is the part about not being able to be human again. You bring it up, but it's not crucial to this part of the story, and definitely needs a lead up and explanation. Taking that one sentence out would tighten up the paragraph considerably.
I'm going to guess Jenny Gardner.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I am flattered to be guessed on this one. What an interesting start. It makes me want to know more about how this youth discovers the abilities of the crow, and how they don't just "sit in the trees and jeer as you walked by."
--Interjected note: perhaps that should be "walk by" a quick change to present tense as the statement is still true right now.
I would guess Dan_raven, not due to his similar name, but due to the fact that he chose that name while reading about Animal names and their power.
Posts: 2506 | Registered: Jul 2003
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This piece has a lot of interesting potential. I like the way you see the boy complaining about his lot in life. Very true to adolescence, nothing is ever good enough or fair.
I had one tense problem
quote: What great things can a crow do? All they did was sit in the trees and jeer as you walked by.
I might consider changing the tense her to do is and walk.
Other than that I really liked it. My guess is Jon Boy
posted
I think this author is long on ideas but probably a little short on experience. There's nothing hugely wrong with the piece, it just feels a little rushed. Slow it down some, maybe throw in some line breaks. The voice is young-seeming, which I guess may be intentional due to the narrator's apparent youth, but it just doesn't seem to work for me. That is, I think I should feel like the character is young, not that the writer is.
It is a cool idea, though. There is a lot of room for developing it, and I would be very interested to see where it goes.
Posts: 4534 | Registered: Jan 2003
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posted
I agree, this is a very unique idea. I've never really read anything similar, except for maybe Philip Pullman's Dark Materials with the Daemons that fix themselves as one animal when their human reaches a certain age. But this is quite different.
The Boy is called "Crow Boy". Does this mean that there is only one bird-person destined to become a bird at that time? This and other things are questions that are probably answered later on, but I'd like to make sure they are...
quote: All they did was sit in the trees and jeer as you walked by.
Are these crows previously people? What good can a hawk do? All they can do is kill defenseless birds (which, for the bird-people, could be cannibalism) and rodents. Have all the bird-people who ended up being crows been boring and rotten then, or is it crows in general that Crow Boy thinks are boring?
quote: Yes he was blessed...
"Yes, he was blessed..." reads a little easier. There are other places where breaths, periods and commas might be useful, too.
quote: and his mother would scold
Is his mother a bird? Why isn't she a bird, if she isn't? Is she bitter about being an ordinary human?
And one last thing. Does Crow Boy have a watch? Where is the sun? How else does he know he is late?
Reading back, some of these questions are getting ahead of the story- much more qill be explained later, but what a complicated society this could make...
My (random) guess: Dragon (because Dragons usually have wings)
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I like the idea. I especially like how, as I understand it, the character doesn't have to die to inhabit the bird; he just has to live to be a certain age.
There are a couple of grammatical errors, most notably some missing commas (the one Teshi noted, and also after "stupid" on the, I believe, tenth sentence).
It sounds like this is either the beginning of a short story, or a slightly misleading, but wholly appropriate to set the, um, setting, first chapter (ala Ender's Game and the removing of his monitor). If it's the former, that's fine, though the story seems to be too substantial give us all that in a few pages. If it's the latter, you might try spreading that single paragraph into a chapter or so.
Anyway, I guess BannaOJ. I don't really have anyway of knowing who's who other than their posts, and of the people listed who I remember reading posts of, it sounds the most like hers.
Because I didn't guess her first and because, even though I don't know how well she writes, I suspect that she could write this well based on having met her once in an ice-cream shop.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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posted
Young, male, and dkw told us she was picking a misleading piece.
Which either means the author is female and older than 20; OR the author really is a young male, and dkw is trying to trick us into thinking she's trying to trick us. O_o My head hurts . . .
posted
Whoops. Sorry, Banna, I still haven't got everybody's gender right. Right now, you're all just a big, steaming, pile of Micheal Jacksons.
Posts: 2292 | Registered: Aug 2003
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posted
That's good, but it won't help me when my sample comes up (by the looks of it, in a million years) and gets guessed like (snaps) that.
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
Ding ding, it is me. DaGoat got it. At least it took longer than the earlier rounds!
Btw to clear things up I'm female age 25.
Sorry Bob, there is no back story. I made it up in 10 minutes for this competition. I'm flattered you like it so much. The speed of composition is why there aren't many commas either. It probably needs a few.
It is loosely based on the Cheysuli series by Jennifer Roberson, except that series has more of a celtic feel while I wanted a Native American feel to mine. Her characters can shape change to match their familiars. So I dispensed with the familiars and figured it would be an interesting twist if they couldn't change back. This is why there was so much background detail I was explaining it to myself as I wrote. Teenage angst is always easy writing for me because I have so much residually left over from my own teen years.
As questions came up I can answer them though.
The big assumption that the kid (and that the rest of his tribe is making) is that the people who change into birds, are blessed. What if they are just ordinary birds and life sucks? I figured the big advantage of becoming a crow, even though no one has done it yet is that crows/ravens can actually learn talk to people. Not necessarily with intelligence I grant you but that is an easy liberty to take for a story. The re-opening of the paths of communications between the former humans that are now birds and current humans could go somewhere interesting but I have no idea where.
I'm going to keep going, just because I'm curious how many we can get through in a day. (Although I have to go out visiting shut-ins fairly soon.)
Posts: 9866 | Registered: Apr 2002
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posted
I agree with a lot of what has been said already - especially the vague reminder of Pullman's His Dark Materials, and cutting out the 'Why, oh why'.
I would also suggest that editing wise,
quote: Yes he was blessed to become a bird.
could be changed. Maybe even just a comma inserted after the Yes.
My guess.. someone who's into reading fantasy more than hard sci fi (or at least is writing that way): I go sarahdipity
posted
Hey Dana, if I lock myself in my house, does that mean you'll come and visit?
And AJ, I really, really like it. You simply must continue this story.
Ryuko, don't worry if you're guessed first. We just think you're good enough to have written many of these so far very excellent pieces.
Wonder why that is.
My NEXT guess was going to be Dante.
Oh well... I was way off, and it's because I was only guessing among people I remember reading something from. Never would've gotten AJ as a consequence.
Okay, now let's see some more of it! I'll wait 10 more minutes...no problem.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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It seems a little bit rushed, as a lot of people said earlier, you might want to string it out and not do too much plot exposition at once. It's really got a lot of potential, though, and I hope you continue!!!
Posts: 4816 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
like I said... took 10 minutes to write, maybe 15 tops... of course it's rushed!
I knew dkw was going to pick my piece when she tried for a misleading one. Because I never write ficton, no one actually knows how I write. (though DaGoat was extremely astute) My last bit of creative writing was that Christmas humor piece that was in homage to Bob. I don't really know myself how I write, since I don't write often. Most of my writing is the stream of consciousness stuff I do here on hatrack.
posted
Oh yes, FYI, I've never read the Dark Materials series. I first heard it mentioned here on hatrack and keep meaning to read it but haven't gotten around to it.
posted
An open letter to Bob_Scopatz (and I guess the rest of hatrack) since his e-mail is blocked.
quote: Hi Bob,
Was going to send you a regular e-mail from work but I see you have your e-mail address hidden. Anyway I wanted to thank you for all the compliments you gave to my writing sample on Guess the Author. I don't think I've gotten that much praise over anything I've ever written. Certianly not about anything I attempted creatively.
Anyway as a result (you said you wanted to know more) I was thinking of trying to make it into a short story. The problem is this. I have a great setting (according to everyone on hatrack) I can see the tribe and its interworkings in great detail, but I have no plot. It would come out more like an anthropology report than it would a story. I'm not sure what I should do as a result. I was thinking maybe if you were willing, if you just started asking me questions I could come up with a plot in order to answer them, but as of now I have zilch.
AJ
Trying to send the e-mail through the hatrack bulletin board didn't work either. Hence the open letter. Some of you already asked questions on here, and if anyone is interested in helping out I'd greatly appreciate it.
AJ
(he has since posted his e-mail while writing as posable man. It will be interesting to see which he reads first!)
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