posted
For my speech communication class I have to bring in at least one joke tomorrow and tell it to the class. Does anyone know any funny jokes? Not the short little one line things, but the ones that are kind of like a story? I'm off to do a search of my own online, but if anyone has any that they'd like to share, I'd really appreciate it.
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posted
How about that joke that was declared the funniest one? About the hunters? Somebody linked to the story recently.
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I went to the store the other day for some quick shopping, and I was in there for only about five minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break? There are no handicapped vehicles in the area. I was only inside for a minute."
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse s**t.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care.
My car was parked around the corner....I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
posted
Bob, my teacher told us that but it was how many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb. Two.
Farmgirl, they're allowed to be a little "inappropriate" but I don't know that I'd feel comfortable saying anything too inappropriate in front of my teacher.
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posted
One upon a time there was a great and brave king who ruled a noble land of mountains, forests, and rivers. He had a great army and many brave knights to serve him well.
One day a dark message arrived at the kings door.
"I will come to you and kill you. Signed, Your neighbor, DEATH" was all it said.
The king was worried. Not far away, over the hills, past the fields, across the river and through the woods there was a neighboring kingdom of dark and evil magic.
The King gathered all of his brave knights. "This evil has threatened your king. Destroy it!" he ordered.
And his knights rode off.
Out of the kings palace. Out the castle gate. Down the road Over the hills. Past the fields. Across the river. Through the woods. Into the Evil Kingdom. THere the rode through the evil forest Across the evil river. Over the evil hills. Up the evil Road. Through the evil castle gate. In to the evil palace.
and they disappeared.
When they did not return the king went to his army.
"This evil has threatened your king. Destroy it!" he ordered.
And his army rode off.
Out of the kings palace. Out the castle gate. Down the road Over the hills. Past the fields. Across the river. Through the woods. Into the Evil Kingdom. THere the rode through the evil forest Across the evil river. Over the evil hills. Up the evil Road. Through the evil castle gate. In to the evil palace.
And they disappeared.
Scared, the king gathered all his loyal subjects into his palace.
"This evil has threatened your king. Destroy it!" he ordered.
And his subjects rode off.
Out of the kings palace. Out the castle gate. Down the road Over the hills. Past the fields. Across the river. Through the woods. Into the Evil Kingdom. THere the rode through the evil forest Across the evil river. Over the evil hills. Up the evil Road. Through the evil castle gate. In to the evil palace.
And they disappeared.
Now the king had little else he could do.
"This evil must be destroyed"
And he rode off.
Out of the kings palace. Out the castle gate. Down the road Over the hills. Past the fields. Across the river. Through the woods. Into the Evil Kingdom. THere the rode through the evil forest Across the evil river. Over the evil hills. Up the evil Road. Through the evil castle gate. In to the evil palace.
In the palace was a lone crone of a woman.
The king went up to her. "Where is the master of this keep that has so sorely taken my people andmy army and my knights."
"Up the stairs to the right. Up the stairs to the left. Up the stairs to the Right, third door on the left."
So the king got off his horse and walked.
He walked up the stair, then to his right. He walked up the next stairs, then to his left. He walked up the third stairs, then to his right. Then he went to the third door on his left.
He entered the room. It was dark, with but a single candle lighting the room. Besides that candle was a dark wooden coffin.
As the king entered, lizard like feet popped out of the bottom of the coffin. It stood up, opening itself as if to swallow the king. Inside were the fires of the underworld waiting for the king.
The king ran.
He ran from the third door on the left, down the stairs to the right, down the stairs, to the left, down the stairs, to the right.
The coffin followed.
He climbed up on his horse and rode.
Through the evil castle gate. In to the evil palace. He rode out of the evil palace. Through the evil castle gate. Up the evil road. Over the evil hills. Across the evil river.
Still the coffin came.
He rode on, through the woods Across the river Past the fields Down the road. In through the castle gate. Into the kings palace.
Still the coffin came.
In his palace he ran up the stairs then turned right.
Still the coffin came.
He ran up the next stairs and turned left.
Still the coffin came.
He ran up the last stairs, up and up to the very highest tower in the palace.
Still the coffin came.
He ran into the 3rd room on the left, and bolted closed the door.
Still the coffin came.
His sword was useless.
The king reached into his pocket.
What could he do?
What could he do?
Suddenly, he felt it. A package. It was a pack of Halls Mentholyptis he always kept with him. He threw the throat drop at the monster, and it froze, never to bother another person again.
For the wize king knew, you can count on Halls Mentholyptis to stop any coughin.
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Two friends are hunting in the woods when one accidentally shoots the other. He calls 911 on his cell phone and says "I accidentally shot my friend! He's dead!" The operator says, "Okay, calm down. First of all, we need to make sure he's really dead." The hunter says, "Okay, wait a second." A moment later, the 911 operator hears a bang . . . .
Of course, I'm not doing it justice. I was hoping somebody would link to the thread or the news story on the study.
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This woman wasn't having very good luck with her husbands. She married four times - first with a millionaire, then an actor, then a preacher, and then an undertaker. One day, one of her friends asked her why she chose the husbands she did
She said "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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posted
Dan- that's funny, but it might be a little too long! The whole reason I'm taking this class is because I can't talk in front of people!
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Top joke in the United Kingdom A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Top joke in the United States A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.
His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Top joke in Canada When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.
The Russians used a pencil.
Top joke in Australia This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?"
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight ..."
Top joke in Belgium Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
Top joke in Germany A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again.
This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army.
The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."
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I had an aquaintance in high school who really disliked his creative writing teacher. He needed extra credit, but wanted to get back at the teacher. The teacher offered extra credit for journals. This aquaintance filled pages of his journal with the above joke...
but left out the punch line.
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posted
Thanks, I may use that one. (The one from the CNN article.) I'm probably going to bring in a bunch of them and use as many as time allows. We only have 10 or 11 kids in the class so it should be fine.
posted
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are out on safari and they fall into the hands of cannibals. "We're going to kill you, eat you, make tools out of your bones and canoes out of your skin," say the cannibals. They turn to the Frenchman and tell him, "You're first. Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," the Frenchman says, "I'd like a knife." So they give him a knife, and the Frenchman shouts "Vive la France!" and stabs himself in the chest (make stabbing motion). So they ate him and made tools out of his bones and canoes out of his skin. Then they said to the Englishman, "You're next. Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," the Englishman says, "I'd like a knife." So they give him a knife, and he shouts "God save the Queen!" and stabs himself in the chest (make stabbing motion). So they ate him and made tools out of his bones and canoes out of his skin. Then they said to the American, "You're next. Do you have any last requests?" "Yes," the American says, "I'd like a fork." "A fork?" "Yes, a fork." So they give him a fork, and he shouts "No canoes! No canoes! No canoes! No canoes!" (stab yourself all over as if with a fork).
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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are all arrested in a foreign country, and sentanced to death by firing squad. The brunette's turn is first. They say "ready, aim", and she points and says "Tornado!". They all turn to look and she gets away. Then it's the red head's turn. They say "ready, aim", and she points and shouts "Flood!". They all turn to look and she gets away. Finally it's the blonde's turn. They say "ready, aim", and she shouts "Fire!"
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posted
I originally heard this on hatrack, so if someone remembers it better than I do, please post your version.
An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a compuer engineer are all carpooling to work one day. The car suddenly stops running and they pull over on the side of the interstate.
The electrical engineer says "Obviously it's an electrical problem. I'll need to get my diagnostic equipment and carefully check each component in the car."
The mechanical engineer says "No, it's a mechanical problem. I'll need to have the engine pulled so I can examine it and find the problem."
The chemical engineer said "You're all wrong, it's a chemical problem with the gas mixture. I'll need to analyze the fuel to determine what went wrong."
The computer engineer says "Let's all get out of the car and then get back in again."
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posted
My favorite hair color joke is this: A blond woman, a brunette, and a woman with green hair are sitting on a bench. A man walks up to the blond and asks, "How come your hair is the color it is?" She answers, "I dye it." He asks the brunette the same question, and she answers, "I was born this way." He asks the woman with green hair, and (you have to wipe your nose and run your fingers through your hair) replies, "I dunno."
It's funnier when you say it, reading it kind of takes away from it.
posted
No, no...each one says "It's natural" and runs her fingers through her hair, and the one with green hair starts at her nose when she does.
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posted
Computer engineer can also be substituted as Microsoft engineer I believe.
There is also the one about what kind of engineer God is. (here's my version)
The mechanical engineer says that God must be a mechanical engineer because of the wonderful movement of the bones and muscles.
The Chemical engineer, says God is a chemical engineer because there are chemical reaactions required to give the energy to the bones and muscles.
The Electrical engineer says God is an Electrical engineer because of all of the electrical nerves and impulses in the body required to make the chemical reactions that cause the bones to move.
The Civil engineer says, Nope you are all wrong, God is a Civil engineer. Who else would route a sewage waste and drainage system through the middle of an amusement park?
posted
I just found this one online: A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this jar is your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that, if everything else were lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party, and fix the disposal. "Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then a student took the jar that the other students and the professor agreed was full, and poured in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar, making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale: No matter how full your life, there is always room for BEER.
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posted
An engineer, an experimental physicist, a theoretical physicist, and a philosopher were hiking through the hills of Scotland. Cresting the top of one hill, they see, on top of the next, a black sheep. The engineer says: "What do you know, the sheep in Scotland are black." "Well, *some* of the sheep in Scotland are black," replies the experimental physicist. The theoretical physicist considers this for a moment and says "Well, at least one of the sheep in Scotland is black." "Well," the philosopher responds, "on one side, anyway."
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posted
Do you have any particular criteria? I mean, just "a joke" is pretty broad... I know tons of good ones!
Posts: 7877 | Registered: Feb 2003
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posted
Well, we're working on keeping the audience, and telling jokes is a good way to know if the audience is with you. It has to be longer than one or two lines, but other than that it can be anything. Just nothing too inappropriate. And preferably very funny!
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posted
Eruve: I've heard it both ways, but I prefer mine. Probably because that's the way I heard it first.
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posted
A little girl walks over to her mother and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Rose?' The mother replies, 'Well, when you were born a petal of a rose fell on your forehead, and thus we named you Rose' The girls sister comes up to her mother and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?' The mother cooed, 'When you were just a little dumpling, a daisy fell across your forehead, and thus we named you Daisy' The third sister scoots onto the mothers lap and asks, 'Mommy, why did you name me Violet?' The mother answers, 'On the day you were born, the petal of a Violet fell on your forehead, and thus we named you Violet' The last sibling waddles up to the mother and says, 'Flugghharshawerhtppbbthh?!?' 'Shut up Fridge,' replies the mother.
------
My mom had to actually go through this at her work...
This old lady with Alzheimers had to remember to urinate in a cup next time she had to go, so she wrote a note to herself. She asked my mom "is that 'pee' spelled 'p-e-a' or 'p-e-e'. My mom said "p-e-e; p-e-a's are little, round, green vegetables" So the old lady says "Okay, but if you hear me screaming, I wrote it down wrong."
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posted
*bump* (I would wait until it got farther down the page, but I have to sign offline for a while and I don't want it getting lost.)
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day after work a man was driving home when he ran over a poor little rabbit. The man immediately jumped out from his car to see how the rabbit was doing. He knew it was dead just by looking at the flattened creature. He felt guilty, and he just stood there staring at the poor rabbit.
About three minutes later a lady saw his car stopped in the road and went over to see what was the matter. The man said, "I hit this poor rabbit, and I just feel terrible." The plump little lady then went to her car and came back with an object in her hand. She told the man not to worry, and then she began spraying some sort of liquid on the dead rabbit.
The man asked, "What are you doing?"
The woman replied, "I am going to save this rabbit, just watch."
About five minutes later the man was thinking to himself, "Man, this woman is crazy. I mean, the rabbit is as flat a a pancake! Why on earth would she think she could save it?" All of the sudden the rabbit rose, looked around, got up and begun to hop away. By now the man was amazed. The rabbit then stopped, turned around, and waved. Then it hopped another four feet, turned around, and waved again. This ritual went on until the rabbit was out of sight.
The man, desperate for an explanation, looked at the spray bottle and read, "Hair Spray. Brings damaged hair back to life. Warning: May Cause Permanent Wave."
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