quote: All at once, the canyon opened. The tall cliff he had been following framed the valley on the left, grassy hills elbowing their way in on the right. A small yet comfortable-looking farm nestled against the cliff. Neat white fences gathered herds of sheep and goats around a red house, which squatted in the center like a mother hen. Not five hundred feet beyond the farm, a splendid waterfall leapt clear from the cliff, and from its base a river flowed. The sun shined heartily in the blue sky, a few clouds and swallows playing in its expanse. Green prevailed here: oaks and sycamores shading the herds, protecting the farm; tall grasses whispering tales of peace and prosperity; moss and bushes crowding the water’s path. Somewhere in the distance a meadowlark whistled.
Looking closer, he saw that the grasses had suffered a severe trampling not long ago and only recently had begun to recover. Dark objects hid among the long blades of grass--perhaps heavy packs or cloaks, cast aside as the army marched. Between two of the hills, hundreds of blackened circles indicated where campfires had burned weeks before. A few tree stumps remained in a cluster nearby.
He turned toward the house. The front door had been left open as if someone might at any moment walk out to call for dinner. Burlap curtains fluttered in the windows. The sheep grazed, their golden fleece bright against the pasture, but no farmer walked among them. No children rolled down the hills or fished for leeps in the river. He did not need to look inside the house to know what he would find there. The deep scent of death oppressed this valley.
Two points for providing critique. Critique must be more substantial than “I like it” or “good flow.” If I’m not sure if something counts as critique, I’ll award one point. Critique points can be earned even after the round is officially over.
One point for guessing, with reason given for the guesses. No points for subsequent guesses, unless you guess right. You can guess as many times as you want each round, but one guess at a time. (You can guess again after I answer your outstanding guess.)
posted
It definitely paints a very vivid image in your mind without relying on cliche`s. I really liked the use of 'opressed' to describe a smell. It makes it sound like it was an act of persecution, and really, stenches of death are quite that.
I must admit, though, that I found it hard to place the author's frame of reference. From the beginning, it sounded like he had just entered the canyon from a nearby cliff. And yet he was close enough to decipher the kind of curtains in the windows?
I also thought the sentence "All of a sudden, the canyon opened" was a little disorienting. I've been to canyons, and none of them open 'all of a sudden'. If this was a fantasy-themed story, I would understand, but nothing else in the story hints that it is such. I think before anybody could make a very accurate judgement of this story, they'd need to see more of it. (Yes, this is a hint. I'd love to read more of it when the author gets guessed.)
There's not enough descriptions of the character or the character's thoughts to use that as a basis for telling which gender probably wrote this. However, the presence of (what I believe to be) a full-grown man does make it sound more like something a man wrote. ScottR recently said something in another thread about he doesn't like the mass-use of adjectives, and this one has plenty of adjectives. Besides, I think he was already guessed...
posted
First of all, this passage really caught me up, especially as the idyllic valley scene turned to a macabre image of death.
I knew what you meant by "The canyon opened", but personification (or animalification etc.- that is the right word, isn't it?) was used a lot. The canyon "moved", the grassy hills had elbows, the house was a large hen, the grass whispered. This, after the fifth time, got a little tedious. The valley can be idyllic, but it doesn';t necessarily have to be alive (unless, of course, it's supposed to be alive). However, I loved the 'hen' house image because it immediately gave me a clear picture of exactly how the house was.
quote: The sun shined
shone.
quote: golden fleece
Is it literally or figuratively golden? If it were any other animal, I wouldn't second guess it, but there is the story of Jason and the Golden Fleece, so I'm tempted to believe these idyllic sheep are actually golden...(are they? )
I have no idea who this could be (as usual) so random guess is going to be:
posted
To defend the author, I have hiked in canyons where a narrow canyon opened into a wide valley all of a sudden. I do agree, though, that the point of reference is a bit unclear.
Like Teshi said, it's shone, not shined.
This may or may not be a male author, but I'll stick with male for now.
posted
I liked the passage -- barring the comments already made -- but for one additional complaint: in its desire to present contrast and build tension, we go from describing an idyllic nature scene to "the scent of death." It's not just jarring; it seems like something the main character would notice FIRST -- and since we're seeing things from his viewpoint, I'd START with that observation and pick up with the pretty meadowlarks later.
As for the author, I'm going to guess blindly and say Da_Goat.
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posted
I agree that the author is male. I could see a woman writing this, but somehow, it just feels male to me.
It's beautifully, descriptively written. Nothing in it would give me the impression of amaturity. It is polished and clean. It would surprise me very much if this was written specifically for the game.
So I'm guessing Chris Bridges.
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posted
Yay! I'm here in time to play one! Here goes:
quote:A small yet comfortable-looking farm
Don't tell us it's comfortable - tell us why it's comfortable. Use a metaphor that elicits the sensation of comfort in our minds. That will make your prose a lot more open and airy, while still building up the emotion that we need to make the transition to death seem tragic. Personally, I didn't care enough about the farm to be sad when everyone ended up dead. Truth be told, I was expecting it, because the description was trying a little too hard to make things sound idyllic.
On that note, I'm going to say the author is someone urban. Maybe midwestern urban, because there's a flavor of Bradbury's golden-years-farmhouse thrust into an alien environment, but not the frontier mentality of someone who's grown up in the west. Everything about the farm is a little too pastoral to be someone rural. Um, this doesn't narrow things down too much seeing as I am one of the few rural, western people on this board. Ok - it's definitely not me.
I'm also going to say the author is young. Everyone always says the author is young, but this one really feels like it because of the adventure-novel feel. And the use of cool sentimentality contrasted with a sudden incoming darkness tells me, stereotypically, that this author is male.
It is well-written though; with the rural arcadian clichés polished out, it has real potential as a killer opening scene.
posted
I'm going to take the opportunity to rant on one of my pet peeves:
quote:Not five hundred feet beyond the farm, a splendid waterfall leapt clear from the cliff, and from its base a river flowed.
I think people too often forget how much noise a waterfall make. Even a medium size waterfall or rapid can, depending on the terrain, be heard miles away. Close up it's often like thunder. In my opinon, one of the biggest goofs in the Lord of the Rings movies is that Rivendel, with its multiple big waterfalls, does NOT have the noise level of the average highway intersection during rush hours. Waterfalls are all very romantic, but unless it's really tiny or you're prepared to yell everytime you want someone to pass you the butter, you don't build your house anywhere near one.
With that out of my system, I like this piece. The imagery is great and the writing flows well. I do however agree with Tom Davidson's view.
posted
I agree that the author is male; not sure about age.
*ponders*
I guess Tom Davidson, aiming for the coveted self-critiquing award.
Already Guessed and Noed: saxon75 band of orcs Leonide Papa Moose Da_Goat Chris Bridges twinky Strider advice for robots Tom Davidson Gottmorder eslaine Bob_Scopatz Tresopax Ethics Gradient rivka sndrake Nick ScottR Icarus
posted
If an army had camped in the neighbourhood and taken the time to kill the farmer and his family, why are the sheep still there? One would think they would make good mutton chop.
posted
Ha ha, Annie, I'm not that young and I don't even know what "arcadian" means in this context.
All the same, it's fun to be guessed.
I would tweak the sentence structures in the first paragraph a bit to make it feel more idyllic. Maybe wax a bit more poetic. I would also put a little more foreboding into the first paragraph--just the barest hint that things are not right. If I walked into a canyon, seemingly in hot pursuit of someone, I would not stop and spend a whole paragraph painting a Bob Ross picture of it. I would notice right away the signs of whatever I was following.
If I weren't looking for anything, but discovering the passage of the army for the first time, I would spend more time slowly realizing what might have happened. Maybe I walk up to one of those black heaps in the grass and discover it's an army pack. Then I look around and notice how the grass has been trampled. Then I see all the other evidence as I start to put the picture together of what must have happened here. Then I see the farmhouse. You have all of these elements, but it moves too fast. Narrate the slow realization the POV is undergoing.
I guess...oh, heck, I don't know...sndrake.
Posts: 5957 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
I really like how you went from the nature description to the army's passing. The contrast is very nice. However, I agree with Teshi that there might be a bit much about the valley scene.
I don't know about someone walking out to "call for dinner". I understand that someone might walk out and say dinner's ready, but the way you're wording it makes it sound like someone's walking out to ask for dinner. I'm not sure what you mean.
posted
This goes against what I said in the first post, but he's the only one here left that I'm sure is a guy....
ScottR?
advice for robots: It sure is great to be guessed, especially when you're guessed twice for something that you could never write if your life depended on it.
posted
Good logic. I really couldn't help myself. (: Besides, it's not like this was a two-hour round anyway.
This piece was written for a sf/fantasy writing class taught by Dave Wolverton (aka David Farland). The assignment was to describe a scene (scene only, no character, no plot) without using any form of to be. As Teshi pointed out, it starts sounding bouncy and over-personified. As a side note, I used "had been" in the second sentence of the third paragraph. Of course he circled it. Oh well. Profs are weird sometimes, eh?
Uh, I'll say more when I'm not at work and have time to look more closely at the comments. Thanks for all the suggestions!
posted
I guess I don't have much else to say, except that yes, the sheep are yellow, and that I described a scene I had seen in a photograph of Switzerland. (: Waterfall, farmhouse, everything. Well, the house wasn't red and the sheep weren't yellow, but yeah.
Da_Goat, this scene isn't actually worked into the novel it's intended for yet, but you're welcome to read the first 100 pages or however much you want of what I have written.
Does anyone else think it's strange that people assume the gender of the author is the same as the gender of the viewpoint character? Is it really so rare to see people crossing gender lines in fiction? Two of my three main characters in this novel are male. Hm.
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posted
In my case, it wasn't the character's gender, primarily, that made me think male author. It was the description and the (I now know artificially constrained ) verb usage.
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