posted
I write 2 haikus to my girlfriend every Valentine's day, of which this is our second. I like doing it because despite my general inadequacy of the english language, if I restrict myself to a formula, I can come up with something that expresses my love in a new way, without offending too many dead white guys.
So last year my haikus were love haikus, with the season winter and summer. This was largely because I couldn't think up any good spring/fall haiku to go along with the others. She liked it, so now I am writing two more for her with spring/fall seasons. I know Japanese rules -> english rules for haiku differ, but I've kept myself to two basic rules: 5/7/5 syllable count, and the have to evoke the seasons as well as my love.
So here they are, I'll be making them permanent later tonight, so any criticism could be helpful, nut remember: I'm a Computer guy doing this in his spare time.
SPRING Tulips bloom again! Melting snow nourishes all, Our mouths meet sweetly.
FALL Leafy Vertigo-- Pumpkins toothily grinning. You land in my arms.
posted
Hmmm, I was going for that evocative feeling (melting snow, lips), as well as the more punny, and more signature-me style, (tulips, our lips). Maybe I should change it to "melt".
As for the "leafy vertigo", I spent a while trying to use "vertiginous leaf", but I scratched that as too distracting...
I don't know - you end up using forms of "melt" in two successive lines if you do that. While I don't have coherent asthetic defense of this, I prefer the sound of "meet sweetly" over "melt sweetly."
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posted
That was my original worry, but if people are reading it there anyway, and liking it, maybe it's good. A more objective defense is that it reinforces the earlier use, in the moment I am describing my girlfriend and I, perhaps?
posted
I probably shouldn't have spoken at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm much more prose than verse oriented.
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I probably shouldn't have spoken at all. Anyone who knows me will tell you I'm much more prose than verse oriented.
