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I can't track down an internet link to this, but it's a story in which I knew some of you would be most interested. Maybe Kayla will pop in for a visit and do her magic.
Anyway, there's a marine biology lab down at Dauphin Island, on the Gulf Coast in Alabama. There's a lot of regular staid research going on down there, but a police officer has blown the whistle on some shady dealings. Money is at the root of it, of course -- feeding the drive for immortality.
Turns out that the marine biologists found that a certain species of dolphin, if fed an exclusive diet of a particular species of endangered bird, never seemed to die. No aging, no illness or decline of faculties: for all intents and purposes, immortal. You can imagine the stir this created behind the scenes, and the alumni foundation quickly shushed the public uproar, as they had their own foul designs on the results of that research.
(Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. It's a morality tale. Beware the mighty Alumni.)
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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However, obtaining the illegal food for these dolphins became more and more difficult as their population dwindled away. The sole mating site of the Windpecker Gulls was declared off-limits to the public on order of the DNR, on grounds that the decimation of this species had to be ameliorated by any means necessary. Whatever had been killing the birds had manage to bypass the most technologically advanced detection systems possible. So, the DNR had to resort to brute force, and they installed two African lions at the guard posts to the little preserve.
This ended up being the marine biologists' downfall, as the lions were supposed to clock in at regular intervals with the nightwatch at the DNR. When the signal didn't come at the expected time, the police were called and surrounded the park.
Yes, the researchers had given the lions poisoned food, knocking them out into a coma.
Once they came back through the gates and tried to step over the sleeping lions, though, they were immediately arrested by cops who confiscated the buckets of dead birds.
The charge? Of course, it's obvious: crossing sedated lions with yon gulls for immortal porpoises.
Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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I get the pun on immortal propoises, but what do sedated lions and yon gulls have to do with it?
Posts: 3056 | Registered: Jun 2001
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A group of hunters are attempting to track and capture the elusive Meticran, a predatory beast that lives deep in the jungle.
At first they dig a big pit and covered it with branches and leaves, hoping that the Meticran would stumble into it. The beast stopped at the edge, sniffed the leaves and then walked around, avoiding the trap entirely.
One hunter figured they ought to use some bait. He knew that the Meticran liked sweet things, as they were prone to knocking down bee hives and licking out the honey. A pile of sugar was placed at the bottom of the pit, but the Meticran approached, sniffed the air a bit, then walked around.
Another hunter decided to add some meat to the pit, hoping to entice the predatory creature into the hole. Placing a loon in the pit, the hunters waited - the bird ate all the sugar almost immediately. When the Meticran came, it saw the loon and jumped, tumbling into the pit.
It was then that the hunters learned that a loon full of sugar helps the Meticran go down.
Posts: 3960 | Registered: Jul 2001
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I once bought a rare pet from the local rare pet store. It was a South American lizard called a Rarey. (It was so rare there, that is how it got its name.)
The lizard was doing fine until it got into some peanut butter.
Rareys love peanut butter. Worse, it effects their growth hormone. This Rarey started growing as it ate more and more peanut butter.
I called the pet store, but they couldn't help.
I called the local university.
Finally, checking on the Internet, I discovered that oversized Rarey's were occasionally a problem in Brazil, where this one came from. The country of Brazil had set up a site along the Amazon river where you could legally and safely dispose of your giant Rarey (before it started eating people as well as peanut butter. This thing was horse size now and kept growing.)
I chartered a truck and drove down to New Orleans.
By now the Rarey was elephant size, and the truck almost collapsed.
I chartered a freighter to take it to Rio.
When we arrived it was Brontosaurus size, and demanding tons of Peanut Butter a day.
I had contacted the Brazillian government, and they had a specially designed oversized dump truck waiting for the boat (for a Rarey-sized fee).
Using two cranes we loaded the Rarey onto the back of the truck, and headed to the high country.
There, in a specially marked place, on a cliff overlooking the Amazon river, the giant dump truck backed up.
I was given the honor of pulling the lever that tipped the Rarey over the edge, and dumped him into the river far below.
With tears in my eyes, I watched it fall. All the while I kept thinking the big lesson I've learned.
"Its a long, long way, to tip a rarey."
(OK, the song is older than dirt, but its still a good pun!)
Posts: 11895 | Registered: Apr 2002
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A farmer went out early one morning to feed his livestock, but when he arrived at the pig's pen he noticed something strange. All of the pigs were rocking, side to side, side to side. This went on for some time as the farmer watched with his mouth agape, until finally every last one of the pigs fell over on their sides. Making a mental note to call the vet at the neighboring town, he moved on to the chickens, and was alarmed to see more of the same behavior. The chickens rocked side to side, side to side, until finally in unison they all fell to the ground. The farmer shook his head, baffled, and decided to check on the cattle. He walked out to the nearby field to be greeted by yet another display of rocking side to side, side to side. He watched his cattle rocking for quite some time, and still they rocked on. He waited several more minutes before finally exclaiming, "All right, you've been standing there rocking side to side, but why haven't you fallen down?"
One of the bulls raised his head, looked at the farmer, and said:
"We bulls wobble. But we don't fall down."
Posts: 1676 | Registered: Jul 2000
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My sister came up with one when I was like 9 that uses some objectionable language. It was about mythical animals called Foos that excreted something valuable. Something about if the Foo ____s, share it. The great thing is we acted it out with these litle coils we made by wrapping color coded telephone wires (from inside the cables) around pens. They were the Foos.
Posts: 11017 | Registered: Apr 2003
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It seems that there was this prospector travelling through the desert. He came upon this ghost town and saw, in the middle of the street, a large chrome object, and a snake. He was just about to leave, when the snake said "Don't leave, I'm Nate the talking snake, and I won't bite you." The prospector, astounded, asked "How is it that you can talk, and what is that chrome object?". The snake replied "Why, I can talk because I'm Nate the talking snake. And that object is the lever which holds the world together. Never pull that lever or the world will come in half as easily as a dropped watermelon." The prospector asked what good that was to him, and the snake replied "With the proper advertising, that lever and my talents could earn a lot of money in your behalf." So the prospector hung posters and paid for spots on the local radio and television stations. After several months, the prospector was very rich. He was celebrating, and had a few too many drinks of expensive liquor. As he was driving his expensive European sports car, he looked up and saw that he was very close to the snake and the lever. He had to make a fast decision, and at the last minute, swerved to avoid the lever, and smashed poor Nate the talking snake flat.
The Moral of the story.... Better Nate than lever.
Posts: 1336 | Registered: Mar 2002
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Harry & Sam are clams. Although they were best friends, Harry the Clam was a very good clam, and Sam was a very bad clam. In a tragic accident, both clams were killed. Harry, the good clam, went to Heaven. Sam, being a bad clam, went to Hell. Six months pass. St. Peter was checking up on the newest entrants and had a chance to chat with Harry. "Harry, is everything good for you up here?" he asked. Harry replied, " Everything is perfect, and I don' t wish to complain, but I really miss by best friend Sam." St Peter offered " Why don't you get a pass and visit him for a few days?" Astonished, Harry inquired " How is this possible?" St Peter smiled "As an angel, you are given a special harp as a passport back into heaven. Just show the Pearly Gatekeeper the harp and you are admitted back in." Not believing his good fortune, Harry requested the harp, and proceeded down to the pits of Hell to see his old friend Sam. "Good to see you old friend! How is life in hell?" greeted Harry when he first saw Sam. " Fantastic! The people are great - and the nightlife, unbelievable! In fact, I own my own disco & night club down here. Want to come see it?" teased Sam. "Why not, as long as I have my passport harp, what can be the problem?" thought Harry, and off they went. After a week of reveling at the nightclub, Harry thought it prudent to get back up to heaven. Upon arriving at the Pearly Gates, Harry hollered at the closed gates, " Hey, it's Harry the clam, let me in!" The gatekeeper replied "Harry, if that's really you, where's your harp?" "Oh my gosh! " said Harry, and then he sang " I left my harp in Sam Clams disco."
Posts: 1336 | Registered: Mar 2002
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There once was a caveman family living very happily. The couple had a young son who was very inquisitive about animals, and befriended them easily.
One day, he brought home a baby stegosaurus to play with, and the father was a bit worried. Over time, though, the animal became like a pet, but it grew and grew and grew.
After a while, the boy would run from the entrance to the cave and jump off a small cliff onto the top of the stegosaurus' back, between the plates. He had great fun doing this, and always came home happy and contented.
One day, the father was watching his son running toward the cliff when he noticed the animal walk away toward a clump of grass. The boy jumped from the cliff and fell the fifteen feet into a large clump of bushes.
"Poor kid," the father said, "He didn't have a steg to land on."
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