posted
(Short bit of background - I agreed, a few weeks ago, to lead the Weekend Worship Team for our church's participation in 40 Days of Purpose. I originally wrote this for my journal, but figured I'd share it here, too, because I'm really torn up about the whole situation. I'm not really looking for opinions on the program, or on worship in general. I'm more interested in how far a person's sense of duty shoudl really be allowed to go.)
Things to do today: 1. Call my dad. See what he thinks about me dropping out of the 40 Days of Purpose committee.
2. If Dad doesn't convince me otherwise, call the 40 Days coordinator about the same.
This is a very sucky to-do list. Very sucky. But I really think I have to do it. I don't think I'm in the right place in my life and with this church to design the worship services for the 40 Days. I don't think I can even do the Celebration Sunday.
See, I need help. I need to get back in touch with God. I've been spending so much time and energy helping other people do this, that I feel like I'm just performing all the time. All the time. And it's not that I want to give up playing during Lent - that's the best time for me. That, more than anything else I've been doing, feels like maybe I'm worshiping that way. But choir is just a chore, and I spend most of my rehersal time either chatting with Grandma or critizing the theology of the songs that Tom (the choir director) has picked out. Same during services - I chat with Grandma, and analyze the hymns.
Don't get me wrong. I love chatting with Grandma, and playing with Brandon (my nephew), and seeing my brother and my dad. I go to church to see my family. Problem is, it seems like the only reason I go to church is to see my family. And to fulfill my duties. Sing, play, usher, serve Communion. Whatever. But it's never, any more, because I want to go. And I don't really feel like God is there.
I used to. I used to always know that He was there. I used to see Him everywhere, in fact. Now, not so much. But that's okay - I can't expect to always know what's going on. But, how much of it is me not looking, how much of it is God not showing me, and how much of it is that there's just nothing to see sometimes?
Now everything seems so trite. I'm tired of the language, especially, that gets used all the time. Watching the training video for the Worship part (the part I'm supposed to be doing) for the 40 Days - it was just so irritating. I try to read the scripts for skits we could do, and I find myself just glazing over. I haven't even put the CD in yet, because I'm afraid of what it will have on it. Lots of fluffy praise choruses, probably.
But maybe the program is really good. In fact, I'm hoping that it is. But I think that I need to participate in this a lot more than I need to help lead it. I think in fact that maybe I shouldn't lead it. I think it might actually be harmful for me to try to lead here.
But see, there's this sense of duty that I've got hanging over me. If I don't do it, who will? I was already the third person that was asked. I basically said yes because I knew that it was going to be really hard to find anyone else if I said no. And because I'm always leading things. Always. I like to be in charge. I like to know what's going on ahead of time.
I'm not sure I've ever said no when I've been asked to do something.
Am I being totally irresponsible here? I'm afraid I am. I'm afraid that I'm really just feeling selfish and being a cranky little girl. But on the other hand, I cried over this for well over an hour yesterday. And I thought about it all afternoon and evening. And I still think I should pull out. I think I need to let the rest of the group find someone else to do this. I'll give them what I have done (not much). And I'll participate when the time comes.
I just don't think I should help lead. Not this time. I'm just not the right person for the job this time.
I wish I'd had the guts to say no in the first place.
posted
Every person I know on every worship team at every church I've attended regularly has gotten burned out at some time or another. For some reason it is more ok for pastors to attend retreats and recharge their spiritual batteries and the spiritual needs of those on worship teams get very overlooked. I think both are important, and that you are perfectly ok in needing to be ministered to for a while rather than doing the ministering.
On the other hand I'm currently a bit of a heathen so my opinion might not be worth much either.
AJ
psst I wrote some Uruk-Haikus for you but they aren't very funny.
posted
To answer your title question, I think the answer is no.
But I don't think it's the right question. Because the real issue here, IMO is that you have conflicting duties. If you do not worry about your duties to yourself, you will be unable to be of much assistance to anyone else.
Taken too far, that can be selfish. But I think it's pretty clear that is NOT the case here. I think you are NOT being irresponsible -- rather, you are dealing with your responsibility to yourself, and YOUR relationship with God. If that needs to be renewed to the degree you indicate, doesn't that need to come first?
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posted
rivka, I think you might be right about it being the wrong question. That is what I'm dealing with, I think - when do I actually take the time to take care of myself instead of everyone else?
The thing is, I think it's valuable to take care of other people, and I (usually) really enjoy doing that. That's why I think now might be the time to back off - I'm not enjoying it any more. And that's just sad.
In fact, a lot of things are making me sad, recently.
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posted
Yeah, I can understand that it would make you sad. (((((Vána)))))
But maybe focus on the goal? Which, I think, is to take enough of a break that at some point in the future you can be there for others again and enjoy it?
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posted
[Apologizing up front, because this will probably end up to be pretty long, and possibly of no help at all.]
Vána,
I was chair of the worship team one year (and itinerant worship team member by virtue of playing guitar at all) for my Christian Fellowship group in college. Different situations call for different choices -- I'm going to share a couple examples of my own.
I accepted the positions of both worship chair and treasurer in the same year. I had been treasurer the previous year, and found it really didn't take too much of my time, and so thought I could handle doing both. I made this commitment in March, planning to take the positions the following September at the beginning of the school year.
Over the summer, I fell in love with a girl while we were both working at the same summer camp. I was going back to college in Santa Barbara, and she was going back to teaching pre-school and living in Irvine. After only about a month of college, the strain of a long-distance relationship, combined with the time required for the two leadership positions, was too much for me. My plan was to step down from at least one leadership position, possibly both, and work at the relationship. Part of my thoughts going into it was that when I accepted the positions, I didn't know the relationship would be there.
So I talked with the president and the staff member, both of whom discouraged stepping down from the position. One I thought used a fairly weak argument. Well, that's not true -- he used a reasonable argument, but a very weak example. The other simply asked if I thought God would have known about the relationship before I took the positions. Granting that, and taking into account that I had prayed quite a bit before accepting them, I decided to keep the positions and continue to work on the relationship. That proved too much for my girlfriend, though, and she broke up with me just a couple weeks later.
Several months later, we got back together again, with the understanding that I had made these commitments and would be keeping them. It was still tough -- she had moved, but farther rather than closer. Things were going well, and we ended up engaged shortly thereafter. A month or so after that, she was to join me in a weekend retreat where I was both registrar and worship team leader. She backed out at nearly the last moment, and wished me to do the same to be with her. I had to decide whether to hold my commitments to the group, or my commitment to her. I chose, went to the camp, and our engagement ended a few days later.
Did I choose wrong? I don't know. I do know that there were more things going wrong in our relationship than I was aware of at the time. I also know that had I not broken up with her, I wouldn't have married Mama Squirrel. But I don't know that having stayed with her instead of going to the camp would have made that difference.
-----------------------------------------
Sometimes you just have to stick with your commitments, I think. It certainly depends in part on the person to whom you make the commitment, too. I can't make your decision for you -- nobody really can. (I'd recommend that Lime have a say, though.) But when listening to you describe the situation, it really doesn't seem like the above stories apply. I just told them because I wanted to hear myself talk. Er, type.
What it reminds me of is Jesus talking about the person who goes to make his sacrifice at the altar, then remembers something he has against his brother. Leave the sacrifice there, and go resolve the other situation before coming back.
It doesn't sound like you're in the right frame of mind to be making the sacrifice you've agreed to make. Unfortunately it sounds like it's a time-sensitive issue, and that there will be difficulty finding someone to replace you. Well, any pastor or church official who is more concerned about music than about your spiritual health belongs in a different job (imhyesco). He should be leaving the ninety-nine to go look for the one that is lost. You sound lost.
I could ramble on, trying to convince myself or you of good reasonable rationalizations for either decision. That's my usual M.O. -- try to point out the things you may wish to think about on both sides before making your own decision. But this time I'm gonna bite the bullet and stick with an actual suggestion for a course of action. You need to step down. You need to be able to make a joyful noise unto the Lord -- to worship in spirit and in truth. Yeah, He also advocates playing skillfully, but is big on the humble and contrite heart as well.
[Disclaimer] If you decide to stay on, I won't feel bad. [/Disclaimer]
posted
<Always feels just that much better about himself when CT agrees with something he has opined.>
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I decided to step down. After having talked to Dad and the coordinator, I feel better. I think I made the right decison.
Lime agrees with me.
Thank you so much for your story and your advice, Papa Moose. I really appreciate both. And having you and CT and rivka all agree that I'm not being selfish in this, but really need to let go of this...well, I needed to hear that. I still feel slightly torn, but everyone I've talked to has been supportive and agree that I just need a rest.
I was able to come up with a couple of ideas for people to take over my duties, too, so I hope that helped the rest of the committee (they met last night).
Thank you, again, everybody. I really, really appreciate all of you.
Posts: 2661 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Im' glad you stepped down and even more especially glad that you feel like it was the right decision. That's what matters. Posts: 14428 | Registered: Aug 2001
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