quote: Mirvena was standing in a field facing a dilapidated old house, the wind tossing her hair and causing her skirt to billow. A sudden gust made a nearby tree creak and bend precariously. Suddenly nervous, Mirvena looked at the house a little closer. It really was more of a shack than a house. She didn’t recognize it, or the meadow, or any of her other surroundings for that matter. Mirvena was surprised to realize that she wasn’t scared. In fact, as unusual as all of this was she didn’t really feel out of place. As she looked around Mirvena shivered. The sky was darkening and gray clouds were rolling in, causing Mirvena to realize that she must find some shelter. Not seeing anywhere else to go, she headed toward the house. She must have been behind it since there was certainly no door on the side facing her and she couldn’t see steps or anything else to indicate an entrance on either of the adjacent sides. Undeterred, Mirvena shielded her face against the wind and hurried around to the other side of the house.
Mirvena was puzzled; after walking along three sides of the house she hadn’t see a door, and she definitely hadn’t walked past one. The wind was getting stronger and so was Mirvena’s resolve to get inside. She turned the last corner and stood along the fourth and last remaining wall. Disappointed, and yet not quite surprised, Mirvena saw no door on this side either, though she was relieved to notice that the house blocked a lot of the wind on this side. Mirvena spotted a small alcove a little further down the wall and decided to seek refuge there from the charcoal clouds now completely filling the sky overhead.
When Mirvena reached the alcove she was amazed to find a beautifully ornate mirror hanging on the side of the house. The frame was gold with intricate swirls and waves. Set into the oval frame were four blue stones, four gray stones, and four green ones, all cut to sparkling perfection. All thoughts of finding refuge were vanquished from her mind the moment Mirvena laid eyes on the mirror. She stared at it for a moment as if in a trance, then instinctively reached her hand up to touch one green jewel that caught her eye and almost seemed to glow. From there her hand traveled to a second green jewel, and to a third. Mirvena then drew her hand back to her side as the mirror began to shimmer and ripple. Mirvena glanced over her shoulder and then timidly reached out to touch the mirror. Her hand went through. Startled, Mirvena quickly pulled it back out and started at it. It felt as though her entire forearm had been thrust into a bucket of ice water. She glanced at the mirror, with its surface still shimmering. Then she took a deep breath, set her teeth, and put her foot through the mirror until she felt the ground on the other side. Hesitating just long enough to feel the first drops of rain on her nose Mirvena ducked her head and stepped all the way through the mirror.
posted
I kept wondering what the heck Minerva was doing there at all. Well crafted suspense, and certainly a strange situation, but I kept wondering why she was there. What would make her take a plunge through what felt "like icewater".
Still, I am intrigued.
A guess? Yikes.
Here's a Random Guess: Brinestone.
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What exactly are the rules for this game? Can anyone guess? Can anyone submit a piece? How short does it have to be?
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It's very visual, but also a little clumsy in tone; some of the phrasing is leaden and unpracticed, even if most of the word choice is good overall.
The use of the name "Mirvena" instead of "Minerva" is rather strange, too.
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The game is simple. People send me excerpts from stories they’ve written. I post them and other people critique the writing and guess who the author is. Anyone can guess. Points are awarded for critique and for guessing if a rationale for the guess is given. Points are also awarded for guessing correctly. Sometimes I award other points, just to be silly. Mostly the points don’t matter.
If you want to send an excerpt, email it to dkw275@hotmail.com with “Hatrack” or “guess the author game” somewhere in the subject line. Around 200-400 words is a good length.
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I like the setting of the house... the lack of doors is interesting.
The phrasing seems a little contrived and leans toward cliché. Rather than using "cut to perfection," try a description we're not expecting. Same thing for the charcoal clouds, words like "suddenly," and others. also, the first paragraph is a little heavy with the use of the protagonist's name. Pronouns would lighten it up.
I agree it has a young, children's fantasy feel, and I imagine a young female author.
posted
I don't know, but something struck me after I saw Tom comment on the name. How often are you supposed to use the character's name instead of "she"? "Mirvena" is used 16 times in this short piece and, though it may be the unusual name, on my second reread the repetition started to bother me. If my count is correct, "she" is also used 16 times. Is 50/50 a good ratio? I honestly don't know.
I did not spot any editing problems with this piece, so my (otherwise random) guess: Jon Boy.
Posts: 896 | Registered: Feb 2001
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posted
Really not too bad, although perhaps a bit belabored as she walks around the house and examines the mirror. There is definitely suspense and a desire to know what happens next. I suggest breaking it up into smaller chunks to make it more readable. Also, try to use the name Mirvena less. Pronouns are your friends here. But overall a very good passage, IMO.
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posted
One thing that stood out to me was her willingnes to just go through the mirror. I think a little more discussion of why she would just do that, with no idea where she was going would be nice.
It felt a little laggy, I think it got bogged down some in the descriptions. There's almost a disconnect, too - like we're seeing the scene through Mirvena's eyes, but not quite, almost as if Mirvena is seeing it somewhat outside herself. If that's your intent, then it sort of worked.
Very unworldly feel to it, I'm also intrigued by the lack of doors.
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