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This isn't really a landmark or anything (my post number is nothing special) but I'll probably never type anything this "deep" about myself again, so take what you can get.
I’ve always had an ebb and flow in my life, one that’s much bigger than than a lunar month. Maybe everyone has one, I don’t know. All I know is that mine is strong enough to make a pronounced impact on the way I live, my health, and my relationship with other people.
I never knew about it growing up. Of course, I didn’t have much of a life back then for it to effect. There were no important relationships except the one with my best pal Bobbi, who was so rock-steady that she wouldn’t have had any reaction to extreme changes in my behavior. She was always the same, even when I was climbing up the walls. School was rarely affected because everything was so easy I could pass in my sleep, and homework was so stupid I wouldn’t have done it no matter how I was feeling. (Who knew I was supposed to be building discipline?)
But now I’m a wife and a mom, and I have a lot more responsibilities. I’m also forming links with people around me everyday, and some of them have faces that actually show how they’re feeling.
Not long after I got married, I began to notice that there would be times when I couldn’t stand to see the house dirty, and times when I couldn’t stand to clean. After the kids came along, it got worse. One month I would be a compulsive cleaner. I wouldn’t be able to sleep if there is something left that needed to be done. I would get up earlier than my husband, who had to be at work by dawn. I would begin cleaning and resented any break in my concentration.
This caused a strain in our family. I would snap at my husband for leaving things out or even simple things like leaving his socks balled up after taking them off. I would be dangerous toward my children. I couldn’t spare a moment to deal with their “crap”, except when it related to keeping things clean, such as their rooms and their bodies. I wouldn’t take them outside, and there would be nothing to play with in the house because I wouldn’t want them “messing up things” that I had just cleaned. There were times when I would have to call a relative to come and be with me because I was afraid I might hurt the kids. Luckily I haven’t yet, but I think it’s because I’ve learned to see the extremes in behavior coming, and I have a good support group in my husband’s family.
I would have an odd imbalance in the way I “took care” of myself. My body would be immaculate, but my nails would be all chewed off. I would take baths everyday, put on make-up and wear skirts. I would exercise daily, but I wouldn’t eat. I would feel shaky, and I would know that I needed food, but I would get distracted by fuzz on the carpet, and I would start vacuuming instead of preparing lunch for myself. However, I would always make perfectly balanced meals for the children, taking special time to make them cookies. Once, during one of these phases, I was diagnosed with an EDNOS, which essentially includes all eating disorders that aren’t specifically anorexia, bulimia, or over-eating. For example, if you’re a female and you have anorexia, but you still get your period, they will likely call it an EDNOS instead.
Things would peak and then slowly improve over the next couple of months. Unfortunately, things wouldn't stay good for long, because the next extreme would begin.
I would start ignoring all my responsibilities, including all cleaning. There would be mold on the dishes in the sink, and nothing clean to eat off of. My husband would have no underwear for days. The kids wouldn’t get baths. On the other hand, I would be well-rested, if not well-groomed. I would eat well, but the kids would be lucky if they got cheese sandwiches. I would play with the children a lot, be kind and loving to them and be forever patient with all their phases and behaviors. I would be an amazing disciplinarian. A day wouldn’t go by without the kids getting sun and fresh air.
But things in the home would be disgusting. I wouldn’t do things that I had promised to do. I would weasel my way out of doing any work, and after a 10-hour day my husband would be forced to do his own laundry and dishes, and make his own meals just to survive. He would be the one to change the diapers and feed the kids. As you can imagine, this was also quite a strain. A man who works hard to support his wife’s desire to stay home should not have to do all the housekeeping as well.
One of these cycles lasts around six months. I’m still having them, but I’ve learned to control my environment in order to avoid the worst extremes. During my slob phase I invite a lot of people over all the time in order to force myself to keep the house and kids clean. During my clean phase I have to cut out all activities and extraneous responsibilities to make as little for me to do as possible, so that I won’t overwhelm myself. I learned to eat my kids’ leftovers so that I will never go hungry.
I’m telling you folks all of this because I am entering the “clean phase” now, and it’s coming on strong. I’m going to be staying off the Internet during the worst part, and I likely won’t be posting at Hatrack at all. This is why I was gone before. I can’t be sure how long I’ll be gone this time but it will probably be a couple of months. I will be cleaning out my buddy list so that I won’t be tempted to come to chat, and I may delete AIM altogether. I’ll ask you guys not to IM me if you see me on, and don’t invite me to Scrabble. During this time, it is very difficult for me to turn anything down.
I will be around a couple more days, as I want to finish playing Mafia, and we have a get-together coming up this weekend. But soon I will be off for a while.
As a side note, I will probably never see a doctor about this or get medicated. I think I’m doing okay and I’ve learned to live with myself when I’m like this...it's become who I am. The only way I may choose to seek help would be if I really feel like I can’t control myself with the kids…we’ll have to see. I will, however, answer questions or entertain suggestions, and if anyone has any advice for me I’d appreciate it.
posted
I can definately understand ebb and flow. I have periodic depression - that ebbs and flows every few months. I also go through phases where I am a "neat freak", although it isn't as extreme for me as it is for you. I'm glad that you've come to understand yourself and are better able to deal with these changes and how it affects your family.
And, on a somewhat related note - I hope you won't get distracted by my carpet fuzz on Saturday. My house will be clean, but it is never spotless.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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posted
(((Maureen))) We all have our demons. Thanks for being so brave to share yours.
Me, I'm just glad I get to see you in person on Saturday.
ps. you're the first person on Hatrack to ever contact me by email or AIM, and I will never forget that.
Posts: 995 | Registered: May 2003
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quote: And, on a somewhat related note - I hope you won't get distracted by my carpet fuzz on Saturday
I'm laughing because other people's things never used to bother me...it was only my own. But it's gotten a bit worse, and I may actually pick things up. GAH! I shall try to control myself. I PROMISE it's not a reflection of my opinions of your housekeeping. Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
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I, too, can relate to that ebb and flow pattern (just ask mr_porteiro_head, he'll tell you.)
Sorry that this means we won't be "seeing" much of you, I will miss your posts! Incidentally, you were the first (uh, and only) hatracker to IM me too. Thanks for that!
Good to know that you understand yourself and accept yourself as you are. Have a good hiatus!
Posts: 7050 | Registered: Feb 2004
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And if you feel the need to clean more than your home, I'm in a non-cleaning phase (like, um, always), and Pesach (Passover) is coming. (Think spring-cleaning. Multiply by 10.)
Seriously, take care of yourself, and come back when you can.
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Maureen, I'm so excited for you to have figured this out and tweaked your environment to help you. And to use your resources here, too -- this speaks well of your resilience.
Yeah, we all got our demons. Looks like you are a very skilled demon hunter. Posts: 14017 | Registered: May 2000
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I promise not to be insulted if you pick stuff up at my house. I'm pretty weird about compulsively picking stuff (like dishes, scattered things, etc.) around my house too.
Posts: 5879 | Registered: Apr 2001
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I'll miss you!! I hope things go well for you!! Thanks so much for coming all the way up from Tucson in the heat on Saturday (and thanks to Jes too)!
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