posted
I read it last night, after you IM'd me, and I will read it again today.
First Impressions were pretty good. I think you need to rearrange the order of it a bit, as it was sort of choppy. The set up of the world should come first, using the intro as exposition. Trying to slide the fact that everyone has super powers in the middle of the story weakend the overall effect of the last line.
I do like the concept behind the story, and it's a cool one-liner at the end, but if you fleshed out the world a bit more, and earlier in the story, it would strengthen the overall effect.
Also, what powers do the FEDS have? Don't make it too easy for her to escape. That way when she does it will seem even more impressive.
Perhaps she does have a power the whole time, but it's initial effects are too subtle to notice; perhaps that is why Nate trusts her so quickly? Then the last line could become "I'll never be powerless again", or something like that.
Kylie--Did I ever send you the finished first draft, or did you just read the partial draft?
Kwea--You raise a bunch of good points. I'll make appropriate changes in the next draft. Thanks for reading it.
Posts: 1934 | Registered: Jun 2001
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I'd love to, but I am afraid you think I take too long with those critiques, seeing as I have yet to send you the other one back. I do promise to get them back to you. I actually do have something to send you. I just haven't been able to type it up just yet.
So... if you don't mind a wait, I would like to read it as well. I enjoy your writing.
Posts: 822 | Registered: Jul 2001
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