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HOW TO CHANGE THE OIL Oil Change instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00 Total $21.00
Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00 2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss. 12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off. 16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener. 18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. wash drain plug in lawnmower gas. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill. 30) Drink beer. 31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw stupid crescent wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob. 36) Beer. 37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 38) Beer. 39) Beer. 40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 41) Beer. 42) Lower car from jack stands. 43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil. 44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43. 45) Beer. 46) Test drive car. 47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 48) Car gets impounded. (49) Call loving wife, make bail. 50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT: Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00 Total-- $4165.00 But you know the job was done right!
This was sent to me by my roommate.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Stan: I have that much trouble even without the beer.
I use the crescent wrench because the guys at Jiffy Lube buggered the head on the plug, and now the 9/16s box-end won't fit.
Posts: 2655 | Registered: Feb 2004
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Heck, I don't need a wench er wrench anymore. I installed a FRAM quick connect. I thread a tube onto the fitting, lifting a ball valve, and the oil drains out. I found this to be much cleaner.
Posts: 2208 | Registered: Feb 2004
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I never had that much trouble. But then maybe it helps if you leave off the beer.
I don't think I ever once managed not to drop the drain plug into the pan, though. Ah, it's good moisturizer for your hands to stick them in a pan of hot oil to fish out the drain plug. Better than what they have at the manicurists.
Nowadays I do the Express Oil Change thing, I admit. I don't see it as being any reflection of my masculinity. They are set up to do it and do it faster, easier, and they recycle the oil. I'd have to take the dirty oil to be recycled, anyway, so it's just as easy to let them do the whole thing.
Yeah, it's a lot more trouble to do it yourself. And I seriously worry about pollution of the ground water from people dumping their oil in the backyard. It kills trees, everything. That stuff is very poisonous.
Posts: 2843 | Registered: A Long Time Ago!
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The coffee is free where I get my oil changed. Oh, and they also have complimentary donuts, wash my car as part of the less than $20 fee and give me a lolly pop when I pay.
What kind of sucker wouldn't go for the sucker?
Posts: 3956 | Registered: Jun 2001
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My parents used to change thier own oil, but after ruining a few engines (from not having the time to do it), they started doing the quickie changes.
Posts: 4174 | Registered: Sep 2003
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1. Visit Dad 2. Go shopping for oil & filter (Dad pays) 3. Go back to Dad's house to find brother having a barbecue. 4. Grab beers and burgers, postpone oil change until the following morning. Next morning: 5. Drive car up ramps. 6. Talk to Dad as he changes oil. 7. Drive car off ramps. 8. Help clean up trash.
MONEY SPENT Oil Change: $0 Beer: $0 4 meals: $0
I'm such a mooch. But that's what Dads are for.
In my defense, I didn't actually visit my dad this weekend with the purpose of getting my oil changed. The subject came up and it was past time to change the oil. I do help and am probably capable of changing my own oil, I've just never needed to.
Posts: 959 | Registered: Jan 2002
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But then maybe it helps if you leave off the beer. 
