posted
I've recently started dating a guy who has kids from a previous marriage. He has custody of his 16 year old son, his ex-wife has custody of their 14 year old daughter. She lives about an hour away, and comes to visit every other weekend.
I haven't met them yet. We've been dating a little over a month. We agreed initially that I wouldn't meet them until we were "more serious." They know about me now, though, and have both recently asked when they get to meet me... Xiana, his daughter, was visiting this past weekend, and we've pretty much agreed that I'll meet both of them the next time she's up, which should be in two weeks.
I'm terrified. That's maybe too strong a word... but maybe not. I thought I'd be fine with it, but now that it's closer, I'm pretty nervous. I've dated a guy with a daughter before, but she was 5, and adolescents are very different. From the stories he tells, I think we're going to get along fine... they play tricks on him, have a sense of humor, and seem to relate as a family in a way that's pretty similar to my own. He's nervous about me meeting them because he's sure they're going to try to embarrass him. He said he's going to talk to them beforehand about not needing to tell me all their embarrassing stories about him the very first time we meet. So that part I'm looking forward to.
I'm just curious if anyone out there has gone through a similar experience and would care to share how it went. I'm not really asking for advice on how to handle it, I'm going to be myself, that's all I can be. And really, they seem pretty cool, and he and his ex have been divorced for 2 - 3 years now and have both dated other people, so I'm not going to have to deal with being the first woman they meet that their father is going out with. Juan told me when he gets home, his son asks "So how was your date?" and wants to know where we ate and stuff like that. It sounds cute. I told him my mom asks the same questions when she calls me at work the next day.
Oh, the other thing that's weird... with the 5 year old, I was old enough to be her mother. The age gap was about the standard between generations. That is not true this time... Juan's 42, I'm 30. So while I grant you I could have had a child at 14, it's not exactly a usual thing. At 30 I'm fine with a 12 year age gap, (in that direction, I probably wouldn't date an 18 year old!) but I'm just really glad I'm closer to his age than his son's.
So, stories? I'd love to hear it from the kid's perspective, too, if anyone out there can tell about being a teenager and how you felt meeting your divorced parents' boy/girlfriends.
posted
bah, MEN! Sorry ElJay don't have a story for you, but I have one of my own that is sort of relevant as far as meeting Steve's family.
Last year every time his family had a get together except at Christmas, I was sick. I wasn't trying to avoid them, but mono and tonsilitis etc was just too much for me to handle.
Steve's family is very cool. So his mother called and asked if she and his younger sister (age 14) could come and visit. I said yes, any time but the first week of may and July 4th.
So tonight his mom calls and goes how about May 6,7 &8th. The boy DOESN'T check with me, when he KNOWS he's bad at dates (even though he's known about the May thing since January) and says it's ok.
So now I'm going to be in St. Louis while his mom and sister are visiting and it's HIS FAULT!!
Oh and the entire phone conversation between him and his mother took place while I was priming the ceiling of the guest room for painting to have it presentable when his mother comes to visit!
posted
I generally hated meeting my parent's dates. Normally there were awkward stares and some general feeling that they wished we didn't exist so life would be simpler. Or there were the ones that were too friendly too fast. But everyonce in a while there'd be some who actually took the time to get to know you and spend some time, not trying to be a parent or a "friend" but just a nice normal caring type adult. I guess it was the idea that someone was talking to you because they actually were interested that was necessary. All the rest of the time it always felt like you were being humored because they were interested in your parent.
Posts: 872 | Registered: Mar 2002
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posted
Oh boy. My parents divorced when I was 24. My dad introduced me to a number of his subsequent girlfriends, which flew okay. They were all of a certain type, so it became clear very quickly what Dad was attracted to. He had some trouble distinguishing the difference between strong woman and plain out and out b*tch.
Anyway, they were fine. Then he met Barbara. He apparently didn't want to tell us about her in the early stages of dating, but left enough clues for us to guess that he was dating *someone*. A few weeks later he called to say that he would be bringing her to celebrate Christmas. At my house. Where my mother lives. This did not fly at all. Up til that moment, I wasn't even sure that he was dating someone, let alone what her name might be, let alone have her over for the most intimate family holiday of the year. I called him back the next day and said that I'd be happy to meet her, but she wouldn't be welcome in my home. Not for Christmas.
You might say it didn't go well from there. We didn't talk for a year. He didnt' call to tell me he was getting married. He called my husband at work. Then a couple of months before the date, I got an invitation in the mail. I didn't go for a number of reasons, but the primary one must be admited that it was simply because I didn't want to.
When my brother got married a couple of months ago, I met her for the first time, and she seemed nice enough. Strong enough to let Dad know who is boss without being a b*tch about it, which is probably good for him.
I doubt I will ever actually *like* her, but I don't outright dislike her anymore.
All of which is to say that there are good ways and bad ways to introduce your girlfriend to your children, and my Dad obviously hit on one of the Bad Ways. My advice? If they're rude to you, don't take it personally. Don't expect anything from them. Just be yourself. If they don't like you, it may have nothing at all to do with you. If they do like you, Score!
A question you may want to ask yourself is if you're willing to take on a stepparent role if this relationship pans out. It's not easy -- you're signing on for an ex-wife, ex-inlaws, and two teenagers. Teenagers you didn't know when they were cute and cuddly and still fit in your lap. It's harder to love them without those memories, sometimes, I think. A *lot* of people think it's not that much bigger a deal than any other kind of relationship, but the number of relationship combinations in a stepfamily is exponentially greater than a traditional nuclear family. The phrase I've heard is "Stepfamilies don't have family trees; they have family forests." And it's true. It's something to seriously take into consideration before getting too deep into a relationship with a person who has children.
posted
That's a tough one, LJ -- but really, if you just be yourself, I assure you that it will be fine. After all, my daughter (14) met you, and she thought you are terrific!
Of course, possible step-kids are going to look at you with a more critical eye, and be uncomfortable around you just because of the nature that you are dad's girlfriend.
I haven't personally been in the situation you are, but my own kids have had to put up with several of their dad's girlfriends. One, however, they really really liked -- she was like a second mom. (too bad they aren't still together). She was just very down to earth, spoke to them like equals, didn't take any crap off of them, but more importantly, treated him (their dad) very well, which gave her respect and admiration in the kids' eyes.
You are a people person, LJ, and very likable from the get-go because you come off as geniune, not phony. So just relax and don't "try" so hard, and it will go great.
posted
My parents are married, but I've had the experience of meeting my uncle's girlfriends while I was a teenager (my uncle is very close to me).
I would say go prepared to ask them some questions and explain a little about yourself. And do not ask them, "So how's school?" Maybe some questions about their future, what activities they do at school, their good friends, etc. Maybe even play a game with them, so you can be together for a little while without having to make serious conversation.
You want to avoid the awkward silence at all costs.
Posts: 134 | Registered: Apr 2003
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posted
I second the motion on NOT asking "how's school?" My kids (teens) HATE that question -- it is like the ONLY thing most adults think to say to kids, and it gets so redundant. (everyone at church asks it every week).
You're supposed to already KNOW how they are doing in school if Dad has told you, so you can ask more specific things about their interests -- how was that tennis match you played in last week against HHS?
posted
Thanks to all the answers so far, especially sarahdipity and jeniwern... it's really good to hear it from your perspective.
I guess I'm lucky that they seem eager to meet me, not dreading it. And I can't imagine wishing they weren't around so life would be more simple... they're part of his life, they've influenced the man he's become, so they're part of the reason I'm attracted to him, if that makes sense. I really like the way he talks about them, it's obvious he loves them and cares about being the best father he can be.
I'm a morning-and-evening hatracker only, can't log on from work... so if you post today I'm not ignoring you, I can't wait to get home and read what you have to say!
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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posted
ElJay, I have one horror story, but it has more to do with the "special needs" nature of one of the kids and with a rather insane ex-spouse who used the kids as weapons and taught them to be "spies" reporting back to her about the new "step mom."
Basically, they had to make it work because there weren't other options. Once the kids (one in particular) learned that dad's girlfriend wasn't going to disappear no matter how badly they treated her, things straightened out.
The thing isn't what the first impression is, I think. That's important because it can make what comes later (if things get more serious) a lot easier. But the real question is whether you can make a family together with him and the kids. If it never gets to that point, it's sort of like you're just going to be a curiosity to the kids. Or something to tease dad about.
But if you two go further and have a serious long term relationship in your future, then the kids will have some adjusting to do. It'd be important to have some time for them to get to know you and understand their role in the new family.
Posts: 22497 | Registered: Sep 2000
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My relationship with my mother self destructed over her relationship after my parents divorced. It took many years, but finally, I couldn't deal with seeing my mother's partner at ALL. In fact, I haven't for over two years. This makes our relationship very awkward. I'll have to have dinner with them together in a month when my brother graduates college :-/
Anyrate, what I want to say about this is... we self destructed because my mother's partner tried to claim equality as a parent. But that comes later. I got along with Gabi great for several years, until she started trying to parent me in ways that my actual parents didn't. Its a long way off... but try to establish a relationship with them NOW, that you can expand to take on different relationships, rather then one that is exculusive to certain forms. For example, if you may someday be a step-parent, don't try to be a playmate.
Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2001
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posted
You and I are in very similar situations. My fiance is 42 and I am 30. He has two daughters (ages 11 and 12) who both live with him. We get along great. I did not meet his daughters until we were almost certain we were going to get married and we all knew I was not going to be a transitory person in their life.
I started talking to them on the phone. They were visiting their grandpa out of state and their dad would hand the phone to me. I knew one of their favorite movies and I would ask them questions about it. Things just progressed from there. I get interested in things they are interested in. I read books that they read and visit web-sites they love (Neopets and Homestarrunner in particular). The oldest has read LOTR and Ender's Game in my suggestion and the younger one and I (we have the same name and that makes things interesting) take karate together.
I think one thing that makes our relationships easy (and they do have their rough spots) is that I have told them that I in no way expect to replace their mother. She is still very active in their lives. They see her everyday as she drives them to and from school. They have one of the most unique arrangements I have ever seen and it seems to be working. I never try to be their mother; I'm an adult in their life. More like a teacher.
The other thing that really helps our relationships is that my fiance is very good at discipline. He corrects them and punishes them and I rarely have to be in that role. If they get out of hand (which is odd)around me when we are alone I simply call their father and he takes care if it by A) reminding them I am an adult who deserves respect and B) calming me down and allowing me to gather my patience.
This took a lot of communication and problem solving. We are getting married May 29th. I have included the girls in registering for gifts and plans I have for their house. This way they are a part of the changes and it isn't just me coming in and turning their lives upside down. Divorce is traumatic enough; new marriages and dating experiences shouldn't have to be.
In summary: Find out what they like and talk to them about it. Farmgirl's right, don't just ask about school. Alyse (the oldest) and I talk about the Princess Diary books and we jam to Evenesence together. Little Leslie (the younger) and I play neo-pets and listen to They Might Be Giants together.
It's a hard, awkward, and sometimes exhausting situation, but in the end it's worth it.
I hope I helped and didn't just pontificate. Posts: 1735 | Registered: Mar 2001
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posted
Bob - I'm not sure if that's vaguely ominous or ominously vague. Do you have a preference?
Paul - I can certainly see why your relationship fell apart. I hope your dinner next month isn't too awkward.
When I was in the relationship with Jay, who had the 5 year old, the position I took was: I am not her mother. She has a mother, and does not need another. As a non-parent, I have no input in setting "parenting" type rules or expectations. I do have house rules that apply to anyone who comes into my house, (we did not live together) but really, that never came into play. I would, however, enforce pre-set rules or expectations if I was the only adult present... if Danielle knew she wasn't supposed to do something, she didn't get to get away with it just because neither mom nor dad was there. But if mom or dad was there, it was their role, not mine, to deal with it. It seemed to work pretty well.
aretee - Wow. You did not pontificate, you helped. It sounds like you've got the situation well in hand.
I wouldn't mind not meeting them for some time yet, but since they're old enough to know Dad's going on a date and old enough to decide they want to meet me and ask to, I feel it would be kinda rude to keep putting them off. What he's said so far is along the lines of "We're still in the beginning of our relationship, and we're still getting to know each other. For right now, that means I'm not going to introduce you yet. After a while, when we get more serious, you'll get to meet her and we'll all do things together." He's made it clear that he wants a long-term relationship with me, and I would not be dating someone with kids, and certainly would not be willing to meet the kids, if I didn't think there was pretty good potential for that. I don't want to be a transitory person in their lives, and I certainly don't want to cause harm by being such.
Posts: 7954 | Registered: Mar 2004
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I don't want to post too many particulars. Mainly they were unique to a situation you aren't in, I'm guessing. (Very angry child who also is deaf; ex-wife who moves in nearby so she can hang out across the street staring at the family's front door; ex also pumps the kids for any negative information that she can use to twist the knife via the legal system...it goes on... And my friend just sort of got dumped on because she was the adult and couldn't just walk away even when the kids were treating her like a dog.) Oh well, I think that was a very unique situation that had its roots in things that were shaped long before my friend got there. And she was probably the only person on the planet who could help make it better while living through it. Special needs.
I have no doubt that you'll win them over. You are a wonderful person and very easy conversationalist.
Anyway, sorry I was so ominous. I was trying not to post too much, so I posted too little.
And I neglected to say that I hope it all goes well (the meeting AND the relationship).
posted
El Jay, my mother dated a lot while I was growing up, but thankfully only brought home the serious ones. She married the best one of the bunch. His winning move? He brought me a stuffed bunny the first time he met me when he came over for dinner. He knew the way into an 8-year-old's heart.
So, my advice: bring presents.
No, I don't want you to think that I believe you should "buy their love," but hey, it sure helps you to get a foot in the door. The best of luck to you!
Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
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posted
That is an excellent suggestion, Valentine! Next time our stepfamily group gets together, I'll have to mention it. Posts: 5948 | Registered: Jun 2001
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This is it! I'm meeting them at noon tomorrow, (Sunday, 4/25) US Central Standard Time. Those of you who pray, I wouldn't mind a little divine intervention around that point. More for peace & calmness then that it will go well, I'm not too worried about that anymore.
Oh, and while I am Christian, I believe that all prayers and meditations get to more or less the same place, so I welcome them all.
posted
I dunno. Buying them stuff seems like a cop-out to me.
I know my mom HATED it when my stepmom-to-be bought us presents insted of talking to us. I see I hate it now, too. But don't let my bad experience mar your encounter with them. You're a nice person, I'm sure they'll like you just fine.
::sigh:: Bob, that sounds all too familiar, only it was my stepmom doing the manuevering and spying.
posted
No, no, Ni. Presents aren't a cop out. It's like bringing wine when invited to someone's house for dinner. I'm not saying that you should make a habit out of it, but a gesture upon meeting would take some of the pressure off.
posted
I am not bringing gifts, for a couple of reasons...
First, I had thought this thread was dead a little early, and didn't see your suggestion until I went to revive it last night. So I considered an emergency shopping trip, because it kinda made sense...
But decided that given their ages, it would probably come across wrong. If they were ten or under, I think I'd do it, and I think I could find something Xiana (14) would like now, but I'm not sure what sort of small, token gift I could give Tito (16) that wouldn't come across as trying to buy his affection.
As it is, Juan doesn't drive (lives near downtown, walks or buses everywhere) so I'm showing up and picking them all up and we're going out to lunch and then probably to a movie, which is something that would take 2 bus connections otherwise. I'd kinda rather order in pizza and all sit around and play a game, but this should be fine. A chance to talk, and then a chance to shut up if it's not going well.
I'll let y'all know tonight what happened.
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posted
It went very well. Thanks again to everyone for the comments, stories, advice, and kind thoughts. They're great kids, we had a good time, and on the way home Xiana opened it up for a moment of that honest conversation that was good to get out of the way... "I like you, but you've got to know..." "Thanks, I like you too, and I understand, and you've also got to know...." I think Juan almost had a heart attack when we started.
But we covered the 1) kids have to come first, 2) I'm not their mother and don't want to be, and 3) while I'd prefer we get along I'm going to be dating their father whether they like it or not topics all in the course of 5 - 10 minutes to everyone's satisfaction. (For now, of course, I'm sure it'll come up again later.) Xiana and I did most of the talking, Tito threw in an affirmative every now and then, and at the end she thanked me for being straight with her and said she'd always be straight with me. All I can ask for.
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Yay ElJay. I'm so happy that things went well for you! You seem to have really made a connection with them. Posts: 2064 | Registered: Dec 2003
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I think certain teenagers aren't even that civil to their own parents. Nice work. Honesty is always the way to go. Posts: 4116 | Registered: Apr 2002
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Well Bob, since dkw was already talking about sleeping arrangements if I bring them down for Christmas, I suspect you might be meeting them, too. I know that's an awfully long ways away, but I'm feeling pretty good about this.
And rivka, how long ago, exactly, did you meet dkw? I'm trying to figure out the recovery period...
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I thought I'd be fine with it, but now that it's closer, I'm pretty nervous. I've dated a guy with a daughter before, but she was 5, and adolescents are very different. From the stories he tells, I think we're going to get along fine... they play tricks on him, have a sense of humor, and seem to relate as a family in a way that's pretty similar to my own. He's nervous about me meeting them because he's sure they're going to try to embarrass him. He said he's going to talk to them beforehand about not needing to tell me all their embarrassing stories about him the very first time we meet. ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
So that part I'm looking forward to.
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The best of luck to you!
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