Hobo Dodging Wealthy yuppies must traverse an obstacle course littered with syphillitic, blood-farting transients, without getting a single puke-soaked fingerprint on their $3000 suits.
Apocalyptic Polo Just like regular polo, except the players and their horses are lowered into a 30-foot pit filled with angry, copulating wolves. The stakes are raised when pyschotic, chainsaw-wielding mental patients storm the field trying to kill imaginary demons.
French Septathlon A composite event in which contestants must prance 1000 meters, doggy paddle 200 meters, write a 300-line poem about futility, tip-toe across an abandoned mine field wearing pantyhose, wilt a lily flower with their armpit, pole-vault over an burning firetruck, and molest a street clown with a broom stick.
Speedknitting Elderly woman race against the clock to see who can knit a scarf long enough to escape the burning building they're trapped in.
Depressed Gymnastics Grief-stricken teens must gather the will to compete in regular gymnastic events a mere 5 minutes after being told they have terminal brain cancer and their parents just died.
Skanking Checker-suited dweebs are forced to dance to ska music with 50 lbs. weights attached to their creepers.
Dartball A full-contact sport in which two teams try to score points on their opponent's dartboard. The offense passes the dart back and forth while advancing up the court, and the defense tries to tackle, block and steal. Points are scored when a player successfully throws the dart and hits the goal, before bleeding to death from numerous tiny puncture wounds.
Drowning After a night of forced binge-drinking, contestants wake at dawn, eat a hearty breakfast, huff a can of paint thinner, run 15 miles and dive in a lake.
Baby Twirling An absurdly dangerous sport that combines the flare and showmanship of Baton Twirling with the gross irresponsiblity of reckless child endangerment. Professor Goatduck is really pushing for this one.
Emo vs. Sidewalk Members of popular emo bands are gagged, blindfolded, and tossed off the roof of 12-story building to do battle with the concrete below. Their only weapon -- a kleenex.
written by William H. Club
Posts: 1572 | Registered: Jan 2004
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