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As some of you may know, I am in the process of a ridiculously drawn-out divorce proceeding. Today was the court-assigned mediation.
The mediator's office is very near to UCLA, my alma mater. So I dropped off the kids at my parents (thank goodness for them! Of course the mediation was scheduled for the week between school and camp!), and headed up the oh-so-familiar route. My parents live only a couple blocks from where my ex and I lived when I was at UCLA, so the route I took was one I knew well, though I have rarely driven it in the last seven years. When traffic snarled up on the main thoroughfare, I knew exactly where the traffic-avoidance route off to the side was, and how to best get back to the main street after the nasty bit.
As I drove the hauntingly familiar route, I thought back to the time when I had made that trip many times a week. Sadly, I contemplated how much my life has changed since then. I could never have imagined then the path I would find myself taking now. Somehow, I never quite figured out how to reroute around the pitfalls and snarls that stalled my marriage as surely as rush-hour madness did the traffic. Never figured out how to get back on the track I had planned for, hoped for, prayed for.
And so I drove, a trip both familiar and achingly different.
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posted
((((Rivka)))) I have no doubt that you have the strength and courage to navigate this (particulary nasty) pitfall and come out ok. No, let's aim high - come out spectacular!
Kayla - no, it's not just you. I still refuse to drive in the city of the town I've been living in for 20 years. I get hopelessly lost each and every time I do.
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Last summer I went back to the town where I lived as a child. It was very strange and sad. I peered through the fence around my old school and wandered through the churchyard. I only had half an hour though... someday I hope to go back for longer.
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(((rivka))) I've been down that path literally and figuratively, having lived not far from there myself, and lived through what you are doing now.
And though I'm sure it's different for each person who travels this path, I also know the following is true:
This is not just an ending, but a beginning too. And it can be a wonderful new thing despite the sadness that comes from ending a failed marriage. Be hopeful.
posted
Having never been through the breakup of a marriage personally, I wilt at the idea of my marriage with Porter crumbling to ashes. Such a change and heartache is difficult for me to wrap my brain around and terrifying to empathize with. Surely this experience brings you a deep pain, it will also bring you deep strength that will stay with you all your life.
And I believe in new beginnings.
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Rivka, just remember that as you didn't know then what was ahead in your future, you still don't now. I've been through a divorce and I know how terribly hard it is. But I've also learned that sometimes from your most difficult moments eventually come your best.
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(((rivka))) I truly believe you have the strength to endure this and come out of it a better person.
Posts: 4569 | Registered: Dec 2003
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The irony is that I do have a tendency to get lost, unless I have driven the route many times. On one particularly memorable occasion, I managed to turn a 20-minute trip into one that took over an hour! (Lost, more lost, REALLY lost . . .)
I do have hope for the future. And I have done much of the grieving for my failed marriage. At this point, it's mostly occasional sadness -- and a desperate desire do be done with the divorce. Today seems to have brought that somewhat closer.
The last thing Pandora found in the box was Hope. Posts: 32919 | Registered: Mar 2003
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rivka, it feels very very weird for a pretty long time. Your life is immeasurably different from what you'd planned, and that is sort of like being reborn. (Is this deep pain the "birth canal part"? )
One thing I found comfort in was that nobody else could really know what happened in my marriage. Not those who were supportive, not those who were critical. Try as you might, be as eloquent as you can, and it's still intensely different from being there. You develop an exquisite understanding of how complicated even the most basic court case (with all the cross-examinations, rebuttals, and expert testimony) must be.
Something about realizing that I could never fully explain allowed me to stop feeling I had to explain myself, had to make everyone understand. It left me free to just get through it without that extra burden.
The greatest part was learning how and when to be an uncritical friend: although we are each beholden to help and take care of each other, in most cases -- now -- I see my role as more being a listener and pro-[rivka, or whomever I love ] than as a representative of the public judge and jury.
Go, rivka. Be strong. Don't be afraid. And I'll listen if you want to explain, but you don't have to. We can just share a cup of tea and some quiet. :hug:
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I have never been through a divorce so I can't speak directly to that issue. I have had many ups and downs in my life and I'll share a small nugget that has brightened my life.
I like to envision our lives as a river. Tributaries merge together and boulders occaisionally impede our way. Storms cause our lives to become frothy and violent. If we persevere eventually we are a mighty river, placid on the surface but filled with all the depth of our accumulated meanderings.
Wishing you the best.
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Having been through the breakup of a marriage personally, I wilt at the idea of my marriage with Bill crumbling to ashes. But I acknowledge that it is at times the correct decision. While I hope to never be in a position to fully understand what you're going through, I wish you the best.
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punwit, then I guess I aspire to be one of those rivers than looks safe to swim in, but has deep and dangerous currents?
celia, you give me hope, actually. When I see children of divorce who have good marriages, who have made it to a happy adulthood -- I think my kids might end up being ok.
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rivka, My impression of you is that you have many deep and vibrant currents as well as loads of precious flotsam and jetsam. I feel like I've been somewhat baptized in a few of your whorls, eddies and placid pools. Posts: 2022 | Registered: Mar 2004
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Actually, Kayla, the last major construction over there was about 5 or so years ago -- but the street layouts remained essentially the same.![[Smile]](smile.gif)
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