posted
I'm writing a book right now, and I've been asking friends to read what I have every now and then. I haven't gotten much feedback from them, but I don't blame them. I thought I'd ask a group of people who really like to read sci-fi, so here I am. I can't say that OSC inspired the story at all, since I only started reading the Ender series last month...
Let me know what you think, and please, spare no feelings in your critiques.
posted
I'll try to, but no promise : I'm very slow to read in English, so if I find a job soon may not ba able to finish.
Posts: 3526 | Registered: Oct 2001
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posted
The background graphics on your website make the text difficult to read. Any chance that you can remove them?
The opening is a little flat. In most cases, you don't even need a prologue-- begin at Chapter 1. We can find out the disaster from your narrator. (EDIT: Of course, now that I've read through Ch. 1, I realize your narrator is like more like an announcer, rather than a character; remember that having this type of narration removes the reader from the story, and makes it that much more difficult to engage oneself.)
The bit with the illogical, unknowable flame to honor the dead astronauts is unbelievable. Not that you can't have it in your story, but -- "None had the courage to find out?" I just don't believe it-- supposedly, this is a building full of NASA scientists, astronauts, etc. While I won't judge their bravery, they certainly are a curious bunch, and it doesn't get much more curious than spontaneous, fuelless combustion.
For one thing, there'd be no energy crisis. . . That alone would give the scientists courage to unlock this flame's secrets.
The PR director of any large corporation would be too busy managing things to give tours. PR directors NEVER have slow days.
As PR Director, I doubt if Joseph would have ANY weight at all with who gets on what ship to go wherever.
I'm not sure of the science involved with the scenes with the Belphagor, but the concept is very nicely put together.
The biggest problem that I'm having with this story is the lack of character. You've got plenty of people involved, but we see them all from a distance. We are disattached from them because of the mode of narration you've chosen. It's like watching a movie-- we see how they react to situations presented to them, but that is as deep as we get into their skin.
As far as tone goes-- you get pretty thick. For example, "The blue of the planet that filled her view seemed to mock their plight." In my opinion this problem could be resolved if you chose to penetrate into your characters more.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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Since your biggest complaint is that I don't get personal enough with the characters, I can assure you this is only the beggining. The reason I don't go into their thoughts right now is that, basically, I don't want you to know them quite yet.
I think you're right about the flame, and I think I'll add something to that part.
On Joe (PR director) not having the time to do the tour, I think I remember saying that he didn't have much to do that day. I think this is quite possible, becuase in this universe ISA is a mix between NASA, and and airline company. So I'm sure the PR director would have time to show some kids around for an hour.
posted
That wasn't a shellacking. That was me being gentle with a newbie.
quote:I can assure you this is only the beggining. The reason I don't go into their thoughts right now is that, basically, I don't want you to know them quite yet.
But I don't know them, so I don't care about them-- why would I keep reading about people I don't care about?
You've got two paragraphs to form a bond with the reader. The first paragraph you get free-- EVERYONE (except editors) reads all of the first paragraph. From the second paragraph on, you have to show your chops. As far as character penetration is concerned, that means letting us know them.
Very few things are more frustrating to a reader than to realize that an author has lied or withheld information that a character would have access to.
So. Let us know your character, and we'll continue to read because we're interested in them. If you don't. . .
Some other things-- I kept getting confused by who was who in the first chapter. You've got three folks who are important, and whose relationship I did not 'get' until my third read. John, Joseph, and Robin. You need to name one of the 'J' characters something different. In most cases, it's a bad idea to name two characters with names that start with the same letter.
It's silly and stupid-- John and Joseph are completely different names, right? But the human eye and mind often read 'J----,' not 'John.'
Another big confusion in the first chapter is that you switch characters without giving any type of notice to your readers. One moment, we're walking down the hallway with JOHN, then suddenly we're being told that John's tone worries JOSEPH. In my opinion, chapter 1 would flow much more smoothly if you stuck to one character and gave us some deep character penetration to work with.
posted
It may be true of character driven stories, but that's not a major part of this story like the Ender series is. Chrichton doesn't go into much more detail about his characters. You're trying to read this from the point of view of the characters, and not all stories can be read that way.
As for the too many J names, there's only two, and only one is important. I'm sorry you have trouble distinguishing them, but that's their names. It's really not that long of a section to be confusing, is it?
I think you're making a few assumptions too, no offense. You say that there are three folks who are important, but really, only one is. Robin is back story for Joe, and John is his friend/coworker.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
One nitpick with your justifications-- "only one is important. . ."
Which one? From chapter one, we can't tell. It seems at first to be John (that's who the narrator focuses on at first); but then it switches to Joseph's POV, and we are promised future action from him.
It's confusing. But maybe you're the author that can make it work. . .
Best of luck with this!
[ June 15, 2004, 09:40 PM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
Archer, I'm sorry; it's just not very well-written. In fact, it's astonishingly bad.
Consider just your first two paragraphs:
quote: The cold had them in a stranglehold of fear and doubt. There was only one hope, and even that seemed a distant possibility that only the extremely optimistic, or desperate, look for and they were not optimistic. Even Brian, the most hopeful of the crew, knew that their fate was dark. Karen looked out of the window in her small, frozen quarters. The blue of the planet that filled her view seemed to mock their plight. She stared blankly as the probe left their ship and descended down to the planet. It was heading for a nexus of some energy force they have never before known, nor even imagined could ever exist.
Karen was the least hopeful of the crew, and she would have taken her own life, had she not made a promise she meant to keep, if not for her, but for the one she made it to. A tear fell from her eye, and she bowed her head. She looked as a child who was crying, with her legs to her chest, and her arms wrapped around them.
It's actually hard to explain why this is so bad, but I'll try. First off, your use of hyperbole in an attempt to create tension is really, really grating. You introduce Brian only to dance over to Karen, and essentially introduce Karen twice. Your language is both stilted and ungrammatical -- from "she looked as a hild who was crying" to "the blue...seemed to mock their plight."
I don't mean to be scathing, but I just don't think you have a handle yet on how to actually WRITE. Are you rather young? I suspect, as you read more and become more proficient, that the kinks will smooth themselves out over time.
The idea -- which appears to be a kind of Book of Revelations in space, from what I've seen so far -- is sound, and I wouldn't give up on it. But you HAVE to learn how to string sentences together first.
posted
Alright, I'll offer you a challenge. Re-write the prologue to create the same mood, tone, and visualisation, and I'll agree with you.
But you did uncover something about the reason for my disattatched narration. This is a kind of Revelations in space. But if you'll notice, I'm not getting behind one particular character, but more behind particular groups of people. Think of it as me being inside the group mind, and not the individual mind.
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Hey, at least he's trying to sound like fiction. Just because he doesn't know what fiction actually sounds like doesn't mean it's worthless. Ok, yes it does, I'm just jaded. The most recent sci-fi novel I was asked to edit began thusly:
quote:It all started in the age of enlightenment. The Earthen calendar year was 2057. The planet was visited by Amphids. These beings taught humanity how to communicate using their thoughts. With this enlightenment, telepathy was born.
The art of thought channeling brought many scientific and medical advances. The average human now has the ability to travel into his own body and study it. He can also use mental powers to fix problems. Aging and disease are a thing of the past.
This brings us to our main character. His name is David. David was born of an average family in the year 2274. He quickly met Romular and Remeus, Romular and Remeus are both Amphids that live in New York City. The twins quickly taught David the art of the shine. David was a good study and became intellectual. David studied interstellar cartography and yearned to travel to other worlds. He saved up for about 3 years and bought himself a new ship. Soon he was making deals with new acquaintances to purchase baron but habitable planets. The first planet he purchased was Piet.
The nameless prodigy certainly knows how to string sentences together Posts: 1839 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
I told him/her to go buy OSC's "How to write..." and get back to me when he knew the difference between a story and a documentary.
Posts: 1839 | Registered: May 1999
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posted
There are two things that I feel that I can credit for whatever skill I have: a love of reading, and BICFOC. (Butt in chair, fingers on keyboard)
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
"Re-write the prologue to create the same mood, tone, and visualisation, and I'll agree with you."
The key elements are these, right: the introduction of Brian (the optimist) and Karen (the suicidal, depressed one) aboard ship, the visual of her curled up in a near-fetal position while the probe travels towards the vortex below, and the sudden explosion of white light. Is that it?
Put that way, I think you could probably eliminate the prologue altogether. It's cinematic, but it won't hold up well as a free-standing chapter. If you were writing a screenplay, you might consider opening a movie that way before cutting elsewhere for some action -- but I wouldn't do that here.
posted
Well, the only reason I put that as the prologue was because I wrote that whole section in about 10-30 minutes (I can't tell time when I read or write) of intense inspiration. But thinking about it now, from an editor's viewpoint, I think it would be better as the first section in chapter one. The only thing is that I want more seperation between that first section and chapter one. The more I think about it, the more I realize it's not really a prologue.
I confess I'm applying to NC School of the Arts, UNCG and UNC Willmington for their film programs, so what I write is very cinematically minded. Like Michael Crichton says about his books, he doesn't write them with movies in mind, it's just his style is movielike. For me, I'm writing a movie that's playing in my head, and I saw this opening scene ending with a five second blackout before John walks through the ISA door.
So I think I'll ask around if people like the change of it from prologue to section 1, chapter 1.
As for the language of it, do you have any specific problems and suggestions on how to make it better?
Edit: I really need more seperation for the first section, so I'm changing it from just asterixes (SP) to underlined ones
posted
If you're set on using the distant narrator for POV, gear your language toward the audience you intend to reach. Sci-fi fans don't go in for thick styling, like 'weeping as a child,' or 'mock her plight.' Know your audience.
Otherwise, use language that fits the character doing the narration.
This is not to say that you can't experiment with POV-- but you have to be prepared for people to criticize you long and loud if you step out of line.
Here's an example:
quote: She tucked her hand behind Anthem’s neck and led him on down the hall. He didn’t watch they feet no more—he watched her. How she held on tight to the glowbug with two fingers, so the tips of her fingers was all white. How she was breathing a little bit shallow. How she didn’t look at him not at all.
“You will be my son, Anthem.” They had reached a door. “I will be your mother.”
And she let her hand fall down away from the back of his neck to pick up his hand. He took it. “Monique is my momma.”
“Not any more.” Elephant Girl passed her hand over a pale section of the door, and Anthem heard whirring and something metal slipping free inside it. The door cracked open. “I will be your mother.”
Anthem followed her through the door. Her hands was cool and soft, and didn’t pull at him none. She didn’t need to—he were following her, like he never followed Monique. Where was they going? He didn’t know none now better than he did when he were rawskinned and following Monique. But this time he were going on his own, following someone that perhaps, he thought, maybe he could love. And who could love him. And so he didn’t let go of her hand none, not even when the room were all dark and the door shut behind them. Because maybe this time, he’d got hisself a momma who wouldn’t leave him none at all, and so he couldn’t leave her.
Elephant Girl didn’t turn on the lights none, so they just stood in the dark. “It will take some getting used to, having a son,” Elephant Girl said.
I've gotten a number of furious critiques about my slaughtering of the straight POV rules (not to mention the decimation of proper English). But I'm willing to risk that there's an audience for this type of style.
I am probably completely wrong.
[ June 17, 2004, 09:32 PM: Message edited by: Scott R ]
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posted
I was thinking of writing a book that would be nothing but an alien creature's thoughts, but the creature would live in a way that everything it sensed was through touch, and empathic emotions. I would try to make it an extremely weird and interesting read, but it would be extremely difficult to write from a limited perspective (at least to us. The idea is that these creatures can feel other creature's emotions, but they don't see or use language, so they would be the inverse of our two main senses.
But that's for another story
What do you think about a dynamic POV, starting distant, and getting more and more into the minds and emotions of the characters?
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Whatever your audience is, Scott, I'm in it.
Archer, it's very hard to write a story from an alien point of view, especially when there are no humans present in the story, and especially when the aliens are as vastly different from us as you describe. The only way you engage a reader in your characters is by making them interested in some trait that they love or admire or envy or look down on or despise. If you don't do this right away, you lose them.
Edit: after rereading your posts, I have to remind you that at the beginning of a story, EVERY character is important. Your reader doesn't know what's coming, and won't have you there to say, no, they're not important. So you have to tell them in the story.
And hate to tell you this, kiddo, but changing formating does NOTHING for fixing this.
posted
I plan for the aliens to share one common thing: emotions. They will be just as, if not more intense than human emotions, and if that doesn't reach the reader, they must be hard boiled.
And, what do you mean changing formating?
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jun 2004
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posted
Archer-- if you start changing POV mid-story, you need to be willing to accept the fact that you're going to confuse some readers. Again, you're risking alienating the reader. When it comes to style, it's usually best to stick with one. That way, there's something in your story that the audience can trust in.
In 'As I Lay Dying,' we're thrust deep into the minds of a family that is going to bury their mother. Each chapter is told 1st person, and the character penetration is DEEP. It's weird, and difficult to read. (One whole chapter is five words: "My mother is a fish.") With all the weirdness, though, the style is consistent. Which is good-- if your CONTENT is odd, then the way you say it should at least remain consistent.
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posted
True, but what I'm suggesting is a POV that evolves, not just changes mid-book. Think of it as a camera slowly moving in from 50 yards to a close up.
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posted
Go right ahead. While I'm skeptical (if I knew before hand that that is how the style develops, I wouldn't read the book), you may be the author that can pull it off.
Posts: 14554 | Registered: Dec 1999
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posted
What makes you think I don't know how to walk? I'm actually a pretty good jogger (er... still in the metaphor ). I've been writing since elementary school, and I won an essay contest when I was a freshman. I've had a creative writing class, and I don't think I've ever been below the top 90% for all my writing tests.
I know you're just trying to help, and I'm sorry if I seem irritated, but I've been having a lot of condescention thrown at me lately, and stuff like "learn to walk before..." isn't exactly the stuff I'll respond well to. Sorry, and thanks...
Posts: 238 | Registered: Jun 2004
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"the probe left their ship and descended down to the planet." (descended down--are you sure it wasn't descending up?) struck me as being particularly awkward.
In the phrase "had she not made a promise she meant to keep, if not for her, but for the one she made it to.", you write "but" when you mean "than".
The commas are unnecessary here, and change the meaning of the sentence, making it read as though Karen's floating to the center of the room happened before the artificial gravity was destroyed, rather than happening as a result of it:
"Karen floated to the center of her room, as the ship's rotation was countered, and its artificial gravity was destroyed."
Most important to me, though, is the fact that the story doesn't really grab me. I could feel my mind slipping away from what you'd written repeatedly. It just doesn't draw me in. Now, I'm sure that's a frustrating comment, because I don't really have anything constructive to tell you about how to fix it, but there you go.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
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posted
I was a pretty good writer by high school standards, too. In fact, your writing sounds quite a bit like some of mine did, which is why I suspected that you were still fairly young.
But the fact remains that you are not yet writing at a professional level. There is more wrong with your story than a simple framing can solve; your wording is stilted and awkward, your characters are generally colorless, your pacing plods in the expository sections, and you're not committed enough to "middles" to let them carry on long enough -- so we jump from place to place to place without ever getting a build-up of tension in any one scene.
Again, this is not uncommon for screenplays, and I'd urge you to go that direction with your current skillset; the idea of starting a story with a dramatic "BAM! -- and fade to black" works far better in a movie than it does in a novel. In a book, this is a tease; we haven't learned enough about these characters to really feel imperiled by the danger, and so it just gets our heart racing for the briefest of seconds before you cut to another scene. It's not worth it; you're better off giving us either more on the front end -- which, I believe, is the best idea here; turn your prologue into a real chapter, all on its own -- or bumping the scene 'til later, so there's no cliffhanger.
But before you start playing with viewpoint, I'd work very hard on learning how to write from a single viewpoint WELL.
You have what seems like a strong story idea -- one that, when fleshed-out and made vastly more subtle, could be quite intriguing. (Note: VASTLY more subtle. It's only a snippet so far, and I already feel like you've dropped the metaphor on my head.) And you have an excellent cinematic eye; your scenes are generally very vivid and full of interest.
Unfortunately, you have not yet learned how to make words flow together in pleasing and coherent ways. There's a rhyme and rhythm to this that's VERY important, and is probably the hardest skill to teach -- and learn -- in the writer's toolbox. Some people who never pick this up still sell a lot of books -- look at Left Behind,The Wheel of Time, and anything by Piers Anthony -- but they produce books that coast on the strength of their storylines, not on the quality of the writing.
There are lots of little rules that you can try to learn in writing classes, or just pick up by osmosis; they're generally easiest to point out when they're broken. For example, Piers Anthony is the king of leaden exposition. He'd never write "'You damn spacer,' called George Stamos, 'get out of my store!" without following it up with something like, "Elgin cringed; since the war of 2044, 'spacer' -- meaning people like him, people who lived in space -- had become a curse thanks to the popular perception that they used up too many resources. He was angry and hurt, but a tiny bit of guilt prevented him from saying anything." As he's primarily a children's author, some of this is necessary; he uses it too much, however. And notice how my example TELLS you how Elgin's feeling? That's another no-no.
To bring this back to your prologue: when you have the space (like in a novel), you don't have to tell us that someone is the most suicidal of the crew, or someone else is the most optimistic. We'd like to SEE it. In a short story, or if these behaviors are ultimately irrelevant, you can just come out and say it -- but otherwise, it's better to let those traits betray themselves through action and description. When you've got one character who's sobbing and half-catatonic, and another one who's telling her to look on the bright side, we don't NEED to be told which one is more cheerful.
It's little things like these that make all the difference. And I think the only way to pick them up is to work at it, so I don't know how much help I can be. Posts: 37449 | Registered: May 1999
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Your friends aren't giving you feedback because they are your friends. I know this because the same thing has happened to me (in both directions). They don't want to hurt your feelings.
I don't say that to be mean. I've been there. I always got the high marks on writing, had poems and whatever published when I was in high school and college.
But-- no matter how you slice it, every writer has at least 100,000 pages of crap in them. You have to write it out and keep writing (or re-writing). The 100,000 pages of crap was something another Hugo award winner said, but I believe most writers (including Card) agree with the principle, if not the exact number.
I would suggest joining a writing group. Hatrack has writing groups, but they usually combust fairly quickly. Too many different skill levels thrown together, most of them with no idea how to help each other (but fully expecting everyone to worship THEIR greatness).
The Online Writing Workshop for scifi fantasy and horror has worked well for me. Thickened my skin, and I actually made the acquaintance of several talented writers. About half of the members have made professional or semi-pro sales (of course they use the workshop less and less as they improve, but it's still a great place to grow as a writer).
I'd post a link, but they seem to be down now.
That said, you have managed not to be discouraged by the valid criticisms in this thread, and that is very good. You obviously have some great ideas. Come up with small word pictures to describe the nature of you chracters.
From the bits I read, I got a mental picture of Brian that was like Quatre in Gundam Wing-- sort of wide eyed and uke. I just wanted to slap Karen. You don't have to write pages and pages of 'character' stuff to make them interesting. It's possible to do that in just a few sentences (or even with a few well-chosen words in an action sequence).
Or, you could forget all that and just write a screenplay .
In any case, don't give up. I've gone from thinking I was hot stuff as writer to admitting I sort of sucked (and picking up on my strengths, as well) to being ... at least midling-proficient and publishable. It just takes time and effort.
Posts: 1664 | Registered: Apr 2004
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posted
Wow. Those last three posts gave me the best feedback I've ever gotten. Thanks guys.
But...
One little nitpick:
Noemon, thanks for pointing out those gramatic type problems, but I believe it's "then" not "than"
Now can I ask: What do you guys like the most about it so far? What are my strongest points, and which scenes and/or sections were the best?
Edit: I revised Chapter I up to the end of John Blakely's (renamed Sean) conversation with Joe. The revision consisted of moving something from chapter 2 to chapter 1, so don't get confused. Let me know what you think of the revision.
posted
You're absolutely right about the "then/than" thing. I find that I most often make mistakes like that when I'm correcting somebody else's mistakes. Pretty funny!
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posted
But at least you knew something was wrong. And it's not like then/than mistakes aren't common, or easy to make.
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posted
I find it hard to believe that out of an entire community of sci-fi book fans, less than ten had something to say about this...
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Now. A bit of advice on how to generously accept critiques, because not everyone is going to be as nice to you as the folks here have been.
1) Smile. 2) Nod. 3) Say thank you.
If the critiquer is a boor, do you think you're actually going to get him to change his attitude toward your story by contradicting his points? (Why do you care? He's a BOOR, for Heaven's sake!)
As a general rule, let critiquers read one draft, and one draft only, of your story. After reading it once, they're biased. (I fudge this rule now and again when I know the critiquer is especially sharp.)
Never comment on the poor quality of a critique. Never, never, never, never. See rules 1-3. You'll come off as defensive every single time, no matter how stupid the critiquer is. Be gracious-- just Smile, Nod, and Say Thank You.
posted
Archer, no offense, but just b/c I post on this forum and b/c I'm a sci fi fan it does not mean that I'm interested in critiquing your work. Do as Scott suggested and post in the writer's workshops - you'll have more luck there.
posted
I'm having trouble registering there. It won't send me my password for some reason. I tried clicking on the forgot pasword thing, but it still won't send one. It's weird...
posted
Archer - one of the things that my fiance is always told by his editor is show not tell.
A story should be shown to the reader through the characters, their dialogue and their actions. It should not be told. It took me a while to grasp the distinction, but I can see the change in writing when it is edited to show, not tell - without exception it makes a better piece of work.
For example this
quote: The blue of the planet that filled her view seemed to mock their plight. She stared blankly as the probe left their ship and descended down to the planet. It was heading for a nexus of some energy force they have never before known, nor even imagined could ever exist.
is all 'tell'. I'm not sure how you would change it, but I can tell it needs to change.
One other thing - you should watch for repetition of words. Most writers tend to do this, and often don't notice it. However overusing a particular word can make a paragraph stilted and less easy to read.
In the paragraphs Tom quoted, you've overused 'hope' and 'hopeful'. You could try using synonyms, however given you've overused 'optimistic' as well that might not solve the problem.
I would suggest a tight edit. For example, instead of
quote: Even Brian, the most hopeful of the crew, knew that their fate was dark.
you could have
quote: Even Brian knew their fate was dark.
From the context, it is still clear that Brian is an optimist, but you don't have to bash the reader over the head with the fact.
Hope that helps!
Edit: I just realised Tom already gave you the 'show, not tell' advice. Oh well, double advice, twice as nice.
posted
One other thing - don't ever be disenheartened by advice.
When Tony (fiance) got his first book accepted for publication he thought that would be it - he'd already rewritten and edited it about 10 times himself. It took 14 more edits by his editor (and a rewrite every time) before it was ready to go.
A lot of it is just stuff you pick up along the way - so keep on persevering!
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"Show, don't tell" is a very misleaing piece of advice. There are times you tell, namely in narrative segments. There are times when you mix telling and showing. And then you sometimes only show.
It's all a matter of intuition, and intuition is created through practice.
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posted
I know you've already had lots of good advice already, but I'd like to try my hand at giving you a few ideas, although I may suffer from TomDavidson's "youth", as I am young...
A lot of people have said "show don't tell", and I think this is one of your biggest failings. A good example of this is your very first sentence. You have Karen by the window, frightened:
quote: The cold had them in a stranglehold of fear and doubt.
This sentance tells us far too much. It's not frightening, it's too impersonal.
"There was ice on the plexiglass", for instance, tells us it is very cold, without saying "it was cold." It also tells us we are not in a regular house.
You can then go on to say that ice on the windows is unusally, terribly frightning to the characters Karen and Brian and their shipmates. Karen can scratch a hole in the ice to see the vortex-thing, only to have her breath freeze on the glass again...
quote: He was in somewhat of a hurry.
You say Sean was in a hurry. You don't need to say this as a seperate sentence: "Sean was already three minutes late by the time he reached ISA headquarters... etc" Or Amy can say he's late, or Sean can hurry or run (rather than walk), he can check his watch.
Another major problem is you introduce far too many characters in connected but confusing sections. Martin, Karen/Brian, Robin and Eddie. We don't know any of them enough. Robin is the son of someone, and works on Earth. Eddie is possibly on board the Ithuriel and seems somewhat like a lower Engineer. Are Karen and Brian dead, or was that interlude at the start with a guitarist a nightmare or vision? None of this is clear- both in time and in space. I can't follow the people, or like the people because I can't afford to. They are too disconnected.
Personally, I find the Flame of Mysterious Origin the most interesting thing, and it seems central to all the confusing bits. If it is, perhaps it should be more so. More tourists, the ISA people discussing it, how long it's been there and what event started it.
quote: Martin was annoying the Director with what he considered rambling.
Who considers Martin's speech 'rambling', Martin or the Director? Is Martin a person who deliberately annoys, because it seems Martin, being the person who is presently POV, is trying to annoy the director. If not, this needs fixing. The directors next line can insinuate this without having to say it.
The last thing I want to say is your overuse of metaphorical or personificating (sp?) phrases, especially in the first section- "stranglehold", "fate was dark", the mocking planet, Karen sees death coming to her. This is slightly annoying to me. It almost seems melodramatic, and I know that's not what you're going for. Be careful of using too many of these.
These things apply to the whole thing. The only way (in my opinion) to improve your writing is to write more and read more, keeping in mind criticism of your piece and other pieces you may read.
One other thing: Some things that happen are unbelievable. Karen's cheek is colder than her hand, for instance. Be careful that your characters live in a world with rules that make sense ...
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Imo, I'm gonna have to agree with Phanto here.
What if you were trying to get to a scene at a Character's job, and you had just finished a scene where said character had gone to bed the night before. It's much easier (on you AND constant reader) to say "Jack got up, had breakfast, and headed off to work.", than to describe in detail his morning routine.
Showing is good for telling Constant Reader what's important, things they should remember, about characters, or events or places.
Telling is for getting from one of those important things to another.
However I would argue that such telling is in most cases unneccessary. There's no reason to tell the reader your character got up, had breakfast and headed to work (unless of course there's some pivotal plot point centered around the breakfast... ).
It's enough just to set the next scene at work the next day and the reader will fill in the gaps of the character's daily routine.
Even so - I think for most authors minimising it will cut out a lot of unnecessary telling.
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You're absolutely right about the "then/than" thing. I find that I most often make mistakes like that when I'm correcting somebody else's mistakes. Pretty funny!
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