posted
Rants are fun. I love 'em, whether delivered by Dennis Miller or my crazy relations. Rants evoke a response. Rants can make you angry, make you laugh or insult you (the best ones do all three).
Rants don't have to be factual-- they don't even have to make sense. Poems, monologues, voice-overs and songs can all be rants, as long as the 'ranter is not engaged in any sort of dialogue.
Any rants you share for the game must be something someone else on the board might have come across in the media, but feel free to share other rants you've heard on the street or whatever (just give the context, so we know it isn't an entry in the game).
The game will last longer if we stick to rants that aren't exteremely obscure, but feel free to challenge your fellow citizens of Hatrack River.
Here's my entry:
quote: Choose Life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a f**king big television, choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers. Choose good health, low cholesterol, and dental insurance. Choose fixed interest mortage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose your friends. Choose leisurewear and matching luggage. Choose a three-piece suite on hire purchase in a range of f**king fabrics. Choose DIY and wondering who the f**k you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing f**king junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, f**ked up brats you spawned to replace yourself.
Choose your future.
Choose life.
I chose not to choose life. I chose something else.
Okay, no Google. Double points if you can say to whom the rant was directed, and my eternal admiration if you translate the ending.
quote:You're a son of a *****, you know that? She bought her first new car and you hit her with a drunk driver. What, is that supposed to be funny? 'You can't conceive, nor can I, the appalling strangeness of the mercy of God,' says Graham Greene. I don't know whose *** he was kissing there, 'cause I think you're just vindictive. What was Josh, a warning shot? That was my son.
What did I ever do to yours but praise his glory and praise his name? There's a tropical storm that's gaining speed and power. They say we haven't had a storm this bad since you took out that tender ship of mine in the north Atlantic last year. Sixty-eight crew. You know what a tender ship does? Fixes the other ships. Doesn't even carry guns. Just goes around fixing other ships and delivers the mail. That's all it can do. Gratias tibi ago, domine.
Yes, I lied. It was a sin. I've committed many sins. Have I displeased you, you feckless thug? Three point eight million jobs, that wasn't good? Bailed out Mexico, increased foreign trade, thirty million new acres of land for conservation, put Mendoza on the bench, we're not fighting a war, I've raised three children. That's not enough to buy me out of the doghouse? Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto, a deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui. Officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!"
posted
The second rant is directed at the Almighty. The last Latin bit has something to do with suffering, I think.
Posts: 471 | Registered: Jul 2002
| IP: Logged |
posted
Maybe something from one of the short stories in Morrow's Bible Stories for Adults kat? It doesn't quite read like one of Morrow's pieces, but thematically it's quite a bit like him.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Bother. I was so proud I knew the Trainspotting one, and then I realised it had already been answered.
Posts: 8473 | Registered: Apr 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
It was the season finale of the second season.
And to not tie up the thread and let it move on, here's what the Latin said. I have no pretensions to being able to do without a Latin dictionary. I miss school. No liberties with the original Latin - this is not pretty, it's literal.
Gratias tibi ago, Domine.
I give thanks to thee, Lord.
Haec credam a deo pio? A deo iusto, a deo scito? Cruciatus in crucem. Tuus in terra servus, nuntius fui. Officium perfeci. Cruciatus in crucem. Eas in crucem!
I am to believe this from a holy God? A just God, an omniscient God? To hell with your punishments. I was your servant on earth, your messenger. I have completed my office. To hell with your punishments! To hell with them!
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
| IP: Logged |
quote: I want you to be yourself. Y'know, boy, guilt is like a bag of f%^&*&% bricks. All you gotta do is set it down.....Who are you carrying all those bricks for anyway? God? Is that it? God? Well, I'll tell ya, lemme give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts! He gives this extraordinary gift and then--what does he do? I swear--for his own amusement--his own private cosmic gag reel--he sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time! Look. But don't touch! Touch. But don't taste! Taste. Don't swallow! [laughs] And while you're jumping from one foot to the next, he's laughing his sick f%^&*&% ass off!! He's a tight a$$, he's a sadist, he's an absentee landlord!! Worship that never!
posted
fil, I haven't got a clue, but it sounds familiar.
Dang.
I'm going to add another one while the jury's still out on that one because I'm gonna be out this afternoon.
This one comes froma once very popular source, and I bet there are a few here who will get it right away.
quote: From space, it seems an abstraction -- a magician's trick on a darkened stage. And from this distance one might never imagine that it is alive. It first appeared in the sea almost four billion years ago in the form of single-celled life. In an explosion of life spanning millions of years, nature's first multicellular organisms began to multiply... and then it stopped. 440 million years ago, a great mass extinction would kill off nearly every species on the planet leaving the vast oceans decimated and empty.
Slowly, plants began to evolve, then insects, only to be wiped out in the second great mass extinction upon the Earth. The cycle repeated again and again. Reptiles emerging, independent of the sea only to be killed off. Then dinosaurs, struggling to life along with the first birds, fish, and flowering plants - their decimations Earth's fourth and fifth great extinctions.
Only 100,000 years ago, Homo Sapiens appear-- man. From cave paintings to the Bible to Columbus and Apollo 11, we have been a tireless force upon the earth and off cataloguing the natural world as it unfolds to us. Rising to a world population of over five billion people all descended from that original single cell, that first spark of life. But for all our knowledge, what no one can say for certain, is what or who ignited that original spark. Is there a plan, a purpose or a reason to our existence? Will we pass, as those before us, into oblivion, into the sixth extinction that scientists warn is already in progress?
Or will the mystery be revealed through a sign, a symbol, a revelation?
quote:You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls. And those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives...You don't want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall. You need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty...we use these words as the backbone to a life spent defending something. You use 'em as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it! I'd rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you're entitled to!
posted
Jack Nicholson to Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men (by Aaron Sorkin, no less. That man can write rants!).
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
That particular 'Duchovnian rant' was actually delivered by Scully, but Chris Carter is still responsible for this shite.
P.S. The term 'Duchovnian Rant' was cribbed from Dennis Miller (hilariously appropriate because of the times David Duchovny had to deliver rants like that for the X-Files)
Posts: 1664 | Registered: Apr 2004
| IP: Logged |
quote: Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake? Children's ice cream!...You know when fluoridation began?...1946. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works. I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love...Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women...women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake...but I do deny them my essence.
quote: A gun rack? A...a gun rack. Yeah, right! I don't even own A gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do with a gun rack?
there was Mike Myers in Wayne's World above, and then there's this one...
quote:Do you think God knew what He was doing when He created woman? Huh? No $h1t. I really wanna know. Or do you think it was another one of His minor mistakes like tidal waves, earthquakes, FLOODS? You think women are like that? S'matter? You don't think God makes mistakes? Of course He does. We ALL make mistakes. Of course, when WE make mistakes they call it evil. When GOD makes mistakes, they call it... nature. So whaddya think? Women... a mistake... or DID HE DO IT TO US ON PURPOSE?
quote:We can never talk about God behind his back. We cannot speak of God in His absence. … The God who is being discussed is also there. The attitude people take to Him can never be merely theoretical. To deny Him is to spite Him to His face.-- A. Skevington Wood
quote: For the past fifteen minutes now, you've been droning on about names. Toby, Toby, Toby, Toby Wong, Toby Wong, Toby Wong. Toby Chung, ***king Charlie Chan. I got Madonna's big d**k coming out of my left ear, and Toby the... I-don't-know-what, coming out of my right.
posted
Should we be posting things here that normally wouldn't be appropriate, just because they're quotes?
Posts: 6367 | Registered: Aug 2003
| IP: Logged |
posted
Here's a non-offensive rant concerning God (at least, I think so).
quote: I once knew an Episcopalian lady in Newport, Rhode Island, who asked me to design and build a doghouse for her Great Dane. The lady claimed to understand God and His Ways of Working perfectly. She could not understand why anyone should be puzzled about what had been or about what was going to be.
And yet, when I showed her a blueprint of the doghouse I proposed to build, she said to me, "I'm sorry, but I never could read one of those things."
"Give it to your husband or your minister to pass on to God," I said, "and, when God finds a minute, I'm sure he'll explain this doghouse of mine in a way that even you can understand."
She fired me. I shall never forget her. She believed that God liked people in sailboats much better than He liked people in motorboats. She could not bear to look at a worm. When she saw a worm, she screamed.
She was a fool, and so am I, and so is anyone who thinks he can see what God is Doing
posted
Don't rants toward God really seem the most compelling? Rants toward people are tacky and abusive acts of aggression, and rants to the air seem a bit loony. Rants toward God make sense - maybe it can do something!
Posts: 26077 | Registered: Mar 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Here is sort of a rant...more of an argument. And no God mentioned (but good point...rants against god are pretty compelling...)
quote: So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?
quote:Hello, babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. At the outside, babies, you've got about a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies -- : 'God damn it, you've got to be kind.'
A better rant from the same source as my earlier selection.
posted
Part of me wants to say that it's from one of the essays in Wampeters, Foma and Granfalloons, but another part of me is arguing that it's from an introduction he wrote to one of his novels.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
posted
Well, it would seem that a third part of me is arguing that it's from God Bless You Mr. Rosewater, and I think that that's the one I'm going to have to bet on.
Posts: 16059 | Registered: Aug 2000
| IP: Logged |
Printer-friendly view of this topic
![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Frown]](frown.gif)
No liberties with the original Latin - this is not pretty, it's literal.![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
